August 07, 2008
PROS and CONS: Apples
PROS:
-- Pie
-- Tart
-- Fritter
CONS:
-- Juice
-- Jelly
-- Sauce
Posted by teb at 12:09 PM | E-mail this
August 06, 2008
Things I suspect the guy at the parking garage thinks when he's parking my car
-- Can the seat possibly be any closer to the wheel? Is he hugging the thing or what?
-- Listening to Belle and Sebastian again. Not exactly a man's man, is he?
-- What's that smell? Bananas? Aftershave? Both?
-- Seriously, whose legs are this short?
-- Yeah, thanks for dollar tip, hot shot.
Posted by teb at 09:58 AM | E-mail this
August 05, 2008
News
-- From the AP:
John A. "Junior" Gotti has been arrested on charges linking him to three New York murders, a law enforcement official said Tuesday.
You don't want one of those "I'm definitely guilty" names.
-- From the Boston Globe:
Barack Obama and John McCain continue to hammer each other today on energy policy, both knowing that high gas prices have the attention of voters.
Pausing only to refuel their enormous planes.
-- From the NY Times:
McCain Woos Bikers
Meanwhile, Obama is trying to lock down the all-important skater vote.
Posted by teb at 12:21 PM | E-mail this
August 04, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch as a too-tall truck accidentally tears down five phone/cable lines on my street. Then drives off.
Break iPod headphones. Wonder how I'll survive without content being pumped into my ears at all times.
Finish installing kitchen back splash. That only took me, oh, six months.
Read this article about trolls. I prefer the under-the-bridge kind.
Kill six mosquitos in laundry room WITH BARE HANDS.
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | E-mail this
August 01, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led clean, articulate people to this local, non-profit blog
-- "picture of a person licking a block of cheese"
Whatever works for you, man.
-- "tom bartlett home improvement"
My home does need improving ...
-- "are febreze noticeables safe for children"
They're the perfect snack!
-- "ikea ask anna feature is bogus live help"
Hold on -- she's not real?
-- "computer game i'm dying of starvation i'm bloated"
New for the PS3!
-- "as sad as a"
half-finished thought.
-- "i know my shapes."
Stop bragging.
-- "french bistro table dog clip art"
It starts out sophisticated, and then becomes less so.
-- "how to kill a sick man"
Wait.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | E-mail this
July 31, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
China Angered by Lobbying on Rights
Yeah, basic human rights make me mad, too.
-- From the AP:
McCain camp compares Obama to Spears, Hilton
I'm surprised they didn't compare him to Rita Hayworth and Vivien Leigh.
-- Also from the AP:
McCain campaign accuses Obama of playing race card
They added that comparing him to two young white women was just a coincidence.
Posted by teb at 11:56 AM | E-mail this
July 30, 2008
I will now list some actual items with prices from the "Chasing Fireflies" kid's catalog followed by my reactions to those prices
Spiderweb t-shirt: $44
What?
Twig crayons: $150
[baffled look]
Baby unicorn gift basket: $110
No!
Sterling silver bubble wand: $198
You. are. kidding. me.
Personalized keepsake school bear: $240
$%&$-A
Posted by teb at 09:10 AM | E-mail this
July 29, 2008
This is a true hypothetical story
Let's say you've been stuck in traffic. Let's further say that, while stuck in traffic, you consumed one liter (1 QT, 1.8 FL OZ) of bottled water. If this were the case, you might be searching for, let us say, a pit stop. So you pull off the highway and begin looking. You pass manila office buildings, gated apartment complexes, and featureless storage units. Nothing. You grow increasingly desperate.
Then -- can it be? Yes! -- a Seven-Eleven, the convenience store that has been the salvation of many an overly hydrated traveler. You park and hurriedly walk in, certain that your prayers have been answered, that all will soon be right with the world. That is, until you see the sign, Sharpie-on-paper, affixed with tape to the Employees Only swinging door: "No Public Restrooms."
It is then that you realize: there is no God.
Posted by teb at 09:02 AM | E-mail this
July 28, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Chop down tree in backyard. Manage, just barely, to avoid crushing neighbor's car.
Spend hour looking at listings for houses I can't afford, i.e., real-estate porn.
Bask
Successfully use new ice-cream maker. Successfully eat the results.
Be amused that, when he soils himself, Henry will sometimes call out: "Fresh diaper please!"
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | E-mail this
July 25, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
Hole in Fuselage Forces Qantas Jet to Land
Yeah, that'll do it.
-- From Fox News:
McCain Ignored by Mainstream Press?
Asks mainstream press.
-- From the AP:
Catholics to pope: Lift the birth control ban
Pope to Catholics: Nah.
Posted by teb at 12:33 PM | E-mail this
July 24, 2008
What I learned this morning from the ADT security technician
-- He is extremely allergic to cats
-- "You hear that beeping? That's not good."
-- "If someone wanted to cut your telephone line, this is where they'd cut it."
-- "Basically, this code 94 -- actually, I'm not sure what that is."
-- George Foreman has a line of men's briefs.
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | E-mail this
July 23, 2008
OFF LEASH: On teamwork
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
So far the baby – if that is still the correct term for the small, bipedal being who sometimes “pets” me by vigorously tugging my ears – has proven of limited use. He cannot, for example, open the pull-tab on a can of ALPO Beef Selects. Or take me to the park. Or do much else of interest.
But he can, as it turns out, open the backyard gate. I learned this recently when he, of his own accord, flipped the latch, permitting me to dash out, down the driveway and across the street where -- surprised by my sudden freedom -- I happily peed.
Of course I returned. And now that this security flaw has been exposed it will no doubt be remedied. Still, it’s nice to have an ally.
Posted by teb at 12:13 PM | E-mail this
July 22, 2008
Actual Phone Conversation
Caller: Hello. May I speak to Henry Bartlett?
Me: Henry Bartlett?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Can I tell him who's calling?
Caller: Yes, I am calling from Wonder Time magazine regarding his subscription.
Me: Actually he's sleeping right now.
Caller: Okay, is there a good time for me to call back?
Me: Well, he takes a couple of naps a day. So it's hard to tell.
Caller: Okay.
Me: To be honest, I'm not sure how much help he's going to be.
Caller: Oh. Okay.
Me: He could tell you about his trucks. He really likes trucks.
Caller: I'll try back later.
Me: Okay.
Posted by teb at 09:14 AM | E-mail this
July 21, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Be reminded that water is necessary to sustain human life. Also, that heat stroke sucks.
Eat too many homemade chocolate-chip cookies. And by "too many" I mean "not enough."
Watch Tom Brokaw grill Al Gore for seemingly no reason.
Have last numeral of age change from "3" to "4"
Get hair cut by stylist named Gloretta who tells me she "can't stand indecisive people." Fortunately, I know what I want, hair-wise.
Posted by teb at 01:09 PM | E-mail this
July 17, 2008
The subtle shift in greetings from service workers as you drive north from NC to DC
Hi there, sweetie, how are you? What can I get for you today?
Hi, honey, what would you like?
Hey, what are we having?
Can I take your order?
What do you want?
What?
[vacant stare]
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | E-mail this
July 15, 2008
News
-- From The San Francisco Chronicle:
No trace of cougar, no evidence of attack
The harmless, invisible cougar strikes again.
-- From Buzzflash:
Report: Bush officials "can't recall" details of Tillman, Lynch cases
I wonder if coercive interrogation might help.
-- From The New York Times:
Bush Acts on Drilling, Challenging Democrats
Maybe he should challenge them first.
Posted by teb at 12:55 PM | E-mail this
July 14, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go on five-mile hike with 25-pound baby. That last mile's a killer.
Order large sweet tea, y'all.
Get sunburned. Remember that I'm very, very white.
Purchase CD called "Banjos and Bagpipes." It is as advertised.
Sit in hot tub for three hours. Serve over wild rice.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | E-mail this
