July 02, 2009
Questions I'm tempted to ask the librarians at the Library of Congress
-- Do you have any GOOD books?
-- Do you serve coffee?
-- Where do you keep the Cliff's Notes?
-- Can I tear out the pages I need?
-- Would you read this to me, please?
Posted by teb at 04:18 PM | E-mail this
July 01, 2009
I Will Now Reveal the Contents of my Wallet
-- Business card of someone I don't remember meeting.
-- Gift card that I used six months ago.
-- Chop't frequent chop'r card. Five more salads and I get pie.
-- Dog-eared and totally illegible insurance card that can be presented to medical personnel in the event of an emergency.
-- Twelve dollars. In cash. Oh yeah.
Posted by teb at 12:49 PM | E-mail this
June 30, 2009
PROS and CONS: Rocks
PROS:
-- Hard
-- Plentiful
-- Fun to throw
CONS:
-- Candy
-- Operas
-- Fall on your head
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | E-mail this
June 29, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Overhear 26-year-old girl tell guy that she's getting sooo olllld. I shake my arthritic fist at you youngsters.
Finish book while on bus trip. Be forced to think own thoughts.
Pay $3.75 for smallish bottle of Fiji water. Should come with trip to island.
Desiccate.
Watch entire episode of "The Jonas Brothers." Survive.
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | E-mail this
June 26, 2009
Advice given and assertions made by the guy yelling on the metro yesterday
-- We're all going to die eventually.
-- It's hot outside.
-- You should read the Bible.
-- Bridges are unreliable.
-- Don't eat pork.
-- Michael Jackson was an amazing performer.
-- It's good to boil pinto beans.
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | E-mail this
June 25, 2009
I am typing thid entry on my skmall buttone d treo
ahm, the convenoence of using your phone to type. Jsyt like hacing a computer in our pocket. What an amaxing gift I technology us. Rather than being forcfed to sit down at a big desktip or eveb open a laptopm, one just needs to reach for one's phone, cluck it om, and begin to compose. As I'll list the manymany upsides of writng on a amll buttoned cell phone I cannot thing of a single drawbakc no matte how hard I ponder. It is perfext in every single eay.
Posted by teb at 11:29 AM | E-mail this
June 24, 2009
Reasons I took the bus this morning that have nothing to do with the horrible, tragic metro crash that happened earlier this week
-- I prefer the bumpy, old-fashioned ride.
-- I enjoy the intellectually stimulating repartee with my fellow bus riders.
-- Provides an opportunity to build up my immune system.
-- Low-cost tour of urban blight.
-- Longer commute means more time for staring straight ahead blankly.
Posted by teb at 02:48 PM | E-mail this
June 23, 2009
News
-- From The Christian Science Monitor:
Sanford disappears to hike Appalachian Trail on Naked Hiking Day
Sanford 2012!
-- From U.S. News:
Obama Announces $80 Billion Pharma Deal
Will include special discount on Nicoderm.
-- From MSNBC:
McMahon was a one-of-a-kind second banana
You are correct, sir.
Posted by teb at 11:45 AM | E-mail this
June 22, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch this a half-dozen times. John Hodgman = deadpan genius.
Find ant drowned in honey. Flew too close to the sun, eh my little friend?
Decide that Fireman Sam's video "Hero Next Door" is not his best work.
Sweat.
Put together large IKEA shelving unit with help of instruction-reading sibling. So. Many. Dowels.
Posted by teb at 02:52 PM | E-mail this
June 20, 2009
A beautiful poem
old lady in a Buick
going the wrong way
in a parking lot
don't blame me
because you're old
and going the wrong way
in a parking lot
because I didn't paint
those arrows
and I didn't make
you old
blame painters
for the arrows
and God
for everything
else
Posted by teb at 07:52 PM | E-mail this
June 18, 2009
Awesome Book Ideas I’ve Had Lately
Pass the Ketchup: A Guide to Mediocre Cooking
Aargh: A Treasury of Well-Known Grunts
The Back of My Hand: Parenting a Difficult Child
Step Right Up: A Social History of Stairs
Again Again: Unlocking the Power of Redundancy
Posted by teb at 11:38 AM | E-mail this
June 17, 2009
I WILL NOW WRITE IN ALL CAPS FOR NO REASON
THE THING ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT, EVEN IF YOU’RE WRITING SOMETHING MEANINGLESS AND MUNDANE, IT STILL SEEMS OBNOXIOUS AND OVERBLOWN. FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY:
THE STREAM FLOWS GENTLY INTO THE SEA.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? IT’S LIKE I’M SWEARING AT YOU. OR I COULD SAY:
BABIES ARE PRECIOUS GIFTS.
I MIGHT AS WELL BE BURNING THE FLAG. IT’S ALSO A SIGN THAT THE WRITER IS NUTS. YOU CAN MAKE A REASONABLE STATEMENT SUCH AS:
A HEALTHY BREAKFAST IS A GREAT START TO YOUR DAY.
YET SOMEHOW IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST EXPLAINED HOW THE WORLD IS SECRETLY CONTROLLED BY ELVES. WHICH IT IS. TINY ELVES IN TINY, GREEN FELT SHOES.
Posted by teb at 12:26 PM | E-mail this
June 16, 2009
The News
-- From BBC News:
Anti-cancer cream fights wrinkles
Glad it does something useful.
-- From Politico:
Barack Obama and the White House woo The New York Times
It's gotta be for love not money.
-- From ABC News:
You're Fired! CIA Axes $1000-A-Day Waterboarding Experts
Freelance waterboarders available.
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | E-mail this
June 15, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Pet miniature donkey at zoo. Not a euphemism.
Purchase two huge chocolate-chip cookies at bakery for … the kid. Yeah, the kid.
Find strawberry in pocket of jeans stuffed in backpack. Add a little whipped cream and it's fine.
Oscillate.
Obsess over cell-phone purchase. Wonder if tin can and string has a data plan.
Posted by teb at 11:46 AM | E-mail this
June 14, 2009
Conversation with two-and-a-half-year-old
Father of two-and-a-half-year-old: What's that?
Two-and-a-half-year-old: The train.
FOTHYO: Who takes the train?
THYO: You do.
FOTHYO: Where do I go?
THYO: The office.
FOTHYO: What do I do at the office?
THYO: You ride the hump of a goat.
FOTHYO: Really?
THYO: Yes.
FOTHYO: Okay.
THYO: You eat skinny carrots.
Posted by teb at 04:17 PM | E-mail this
June 11, 2009
This is a true hypothetical story with minimal punctuation
If your wife is going to take a shower and asks you to listen to the baby monitor because your kid is sleeping but you neglect to turn it on because you were busy with some important business such as watching random video clips online and smearing peanut butter on an apple because it's soooo good and then you happen to look over at the monitor and realize you haven't switched it on and the kid might totally be crying and freaking out and is probably scarred forever but then you turn it on and all you hear is the sound of the white-noise machine and your kid breathing peacefully and you think "Phew! Now my wife will never even know what an irresponsible pile of dum dum I am!"
Unless you feel compelled to put it on your blog for some reason in which case: busted.
Posted by teb at 10:50 PM | E-mail this
June 10, 2009
Overheard metro conversation
Smartly Dressed Lady: Technically, I’m a Republican.
Smartly Dressed Man: Right.
SDL: So I just sit in my cubicle and think “Where do I move?”
SDM: I know.
SDL: I can’t move to Canada.
SDM: Yeah.
SDL: I can’t move to South America.
SDM: Too hot.
SDL: It’s, like, what do I do?
SDM: The Caribbean?
SDL: What?
SDM: The Caribbean?
SDL: No. I don’t like islands.
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | E-mail this
June 09, 2009
News
-- From Daily Kos:
Millions to lose TV Signal in 5 Days
May be forced to interact with family members, read.
-- From FoxNews:
Obama Holds 'Constructive' Talks With Netanyahu Ahead of Major Speech
Unfortunately it was settlement construction.
-- From some television news website:
Hungry bear rousts man from bed
New alarm clock proven effective.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | E-mail this
June 08, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
See The Hangover. Disappointing except for Zach Galifianakis reading that speech.
Search for item in IKEA warehouse section. Like the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
While trying to sing two-and-a-half-year-old to sleep, be interrupted with the following: "Papa, I think that is enough singing."
Adumbrate.
Have staring contest with squirrel. Win.
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | E-mail this
June 05, 2009
SOME PEOPLE READ THE INTERNET SOMETIMES
Two beloved MT readers were inspired by yesterday's entry to create disturbing images on their home computers. We simultaneously wish to thank them and question their sanity:
From RobotDan at A Little Poison:
From Stefan:
Posted by teb at 01:57 PM | E-mail this
June 04, 2009
Ideas I have to make stock photos more interesting
DULL: College students playing Frisbee on the quad.
INTERESTING: The Frisbee is on fire.
DULL: Guy in business suit, talking on cell phone.
INTERESTING: Surrounded by monkeys.
DULL: Woman with coffee mug, staring at laptop.
INTERESTING: On the moon.
Posted by teb at 11:48 AM | E-mail this
June 03, 2009
Why I’m Rifling Through My Wife’s Purse
-- For money to support my sparkling water habit.
-- For money to support my parking habit.
-- For … evidence.
-- Because I love melted mints.
-- What else am I gonna rifle through?
Posted by teb at 02:21 PM | E-mail this
