« February 2005 | Main | April 2005 »
March 31, 2005
Out-gardening the neighbors
our yard
Six months ago a couple about our age bought a house on our street. Their house, like ours -- which we bought nearly a year ago -- was in need of improvement. While we have made some small strides (painting a couple of rooms, installing some lights, a new kitchen faucet), they have put in new floors, stripped and refinished door moldings, and generally outdone us in only half the time. Whenever I pass their house they seem to be engaged in some ambitious project that will make their home more attractive and valuable. This doesn't annoy me, of course. In fact I applaud their industriousness.
I noticed today that they have begun tilling the soil in their front yard in preparation for a garden. So, beginning this weekend, I am going to be digging and planting and fertilizing like a mad man. To be clear, I’m not doing it to compete with our new neighbors who I’m sure could care less what my yard looks like. That would be silly. I’m just doing it because I love working the earth or something.
Posted by teb at 10:12 AM | Email this entry
March 30, 2005
THOMAS BARTLETT: Meeting your real estate needs!
The more I Google myself, the more I realize how much I’ve accomplished. I don’t mean to be arrogant but when you have an honorary doctorate AND you’re one of the most successful businessmen in Edwardsport, Indiana, it’s hard not to be.
So I was already feeling good about myself when I came across this:
The real estate profession measures success in total dollar sales volume. Here in Marion County, Tom Bartlett has amassed a total volume exceeding $215 million in 25 years. In 2003, Tom set a new career high of $22 million in closed sales. It's no wonder that Tom has earned the title Associate of the Year for 23 years. It's no wonder that people literally seek out Tom when they're serious about buying or selling real estate.
They literally do. And you might think “Hey, after 23 years, maybe you should give someone else a chance?” Yeah, not likely. Tom Bartlett doesn’t stand idly by while other associates become Associate of the Year. No sir. Tom Bartlett is nobody's chump.
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
March 29, 2005
Party like it's your prom
From a Newsday article on rapper 50 Cent’s move to a tony Farmington, Connecticut, suburb:
Even in the hardcore rap genre he’s among the hardest, a former drug dealer whose posse traded gunfire recently with another artist from his own record label.But in Farmington, 50 Cent is all good.
“We want to have prom at his house,” said a beaming Liza Dionne, an 18-year-old student at Farmington High School. “We left a letter in his mailbox, but haven’t heard back yet.”
Dear Liza:
Sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. I’ve been super busy lately, what with promoting the new album (“The Massacre,” in stores now) and carrying on a simmering feud -- or “beef” in Hip-Hop parlance -- with rapper the Game, a former member of my G-Unit crew. All of this, unfortunately, leaves little time for correspondence. As I sit here at my desk, I’m looking at a stack of unanswered letters as tall as a bottle of Bacardi.
Anywho. As for your request, I would be delighted to host your prom at my mansion. Did you have a particular theme in mind? You might consider going with a tropical paradise/luau motif. I know that sounds complicated, but you’d be surprised at how a few seashells, some grass skirting and a couple of fake palm trees can transform a boring old ballroom into an island getaway. You could even serve punch in tiki glasses. Obviously that’s just a suggestion; it’s your prom. By the way, I have a whole closet-full of crepe paper that you’re welcome to. And somewhere there’s a box of balloons leftover from one of my parties that I’ll try to track down for you.
Now I do have a couple of house rules. First, there’s a trunk in the master bedroom marked “Gats” -- please stay out of there. And the backyard is off-limits. That’s where I keep my pit bulls, Lucifer and Manson. I love them both like hoes but they can get fussy around strangers. Plus they are trained to kill.
I think that pretty much covers it. If you need me, you know where you can find me -- in da club! (Just kidding. I don’t really spend that much time in clubs: It’s just something people expect me to say. If you need to get in-touch, leave a message on my cell phone or, better yet, shoot me an e-mail.)
All the best,
Fifty
Posted by teb at 09:01 AM | Email this entry
March 28, 2005
The last thing you see before a cat devours you
Posted by teb at 09:25 AM | Email this entry
March 27, 2005
The Easter squirrel
We went to the 8 a.m. Easter service at Washington National Cathedral this morning. We had to park several blocks away. While walking to the church we saw a squirrel holding a plastic Easter egg: He gripped his prize between two paws and nibbled on it tentatively. He seemed confused.
This reminded me that we have no squirrel-related holiday. The bunny has Easter. Reindeers are linked to Christmas. The turkey is the primary, if reluctant, symbol of Thanksgiving. But when do we celebrate the squirrel? Perhaps our bushy-tailed friend could be used to reinvigorate one of our more humdrum occasions, like Labor Day. We could all play squirrel-inspired games (“Crack the Nut”?) and read aloud poems that pay homage to the squirrel’s resourcefulness and penchant for planning ahead.
Or perhaps we could tack the squirrel onto a holiday that already has an animal, like Groundhog Day, thereby creating what MBA students call "added value." If the groundhog sees his shadow, we could make him fight the squirrel. If the squirrel wins then spring would officially begin. Kids would love it, too -- and isn’t that what really matters?
Posted by teb at 03:20 PM | Email this entry
March 26, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: Port Salut
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
Our Featured Cheese is Port Salut [por suh-LOO], a semi-soft cheese named for the French abbey where it was created and is still made. After unwrapping the cheese, I left it on a plate on the kitchen table while I prepared tea at the stove. When I turned around, one of our cats -- Huxley, a notorious cheese lover -- was on the table, his head in close proximity to the recently unwrapped and fragrant block of cheese. To be clear, I did not see him lick the cheese. That said, he had ample opportunity (my back was turned for more than a minute) and a strong motive (cats like cheese). Plus he looked guilty. I considered slicing off a thin layer of the area where he was most likely to have licked. Then I decided I didn’t care.
In retrospect, maybe I should have let Huxley have the rest. The cheese wasn’t terrible, just unremarkable: The consistency and texture was similar to our previous Featured Cheese but the tangy taste was less pleasing. It reminded me of Velveeta, only not as good. Those French monks might consider turning their attentions to other activities, such as carving sacred figurines, weaving tapestries, or snowboarding. Because the cheese is only so-so.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
March 25, 2005
The Sensitive Gladiator
Now that Russell Crowe has talked terrorists out of their essential philosophies, he has turned his attention to songwriting. From today’s Washington Post:
here's how Crowe describes his first single, "Raewyn:" "It is the only song I've ever written that has made both men and women cry, think, and call their parents, usually in that order. I have e-mails from Sting and Billy Bragg, two of my songwriting heroes that give testament to the quiet power of the song.
Me: Hi mom. It's [muffled sobs]
Mom: Thomas? Is that you?
Me: Yes.
Mom: What’s happened?
Me: I just finished listening to [muffled sobs]
Mom: Settle down, honey. Breathe.
Me: Okay. I’m better.
Mom: Now, tell me what’s wrong.
Me: I just finished listening to Russell Crowe’s new single.
Mom: What’s the name of it?
Me: Well, it’s spelled R-A-E-W-Y-N. I have no idea how to pronounce it.
Mom: Yeah. That is a weird title. So why are you crying?
Me: Well, after I heard it I cried, then I thought, and then I called you. In that order.
Mom: Why?
Me: I don’t know. I just felt compelled to.
Mom: Interesting.
Me: The song is just so [muffled sobs]
Mom: Are you crying again?
Me: No [muffled sobs]
Mom: Because it sounds like you are.
Me: Okay, I am. Ever since I listened to the song ...
Mom: The title of which you don’t know how to pronounce?
Me: Yes, that’s the one. Ever since I listened to that song, I find myself [voice trails off, followed by muffled sobs]
Mom: So nothing bad has happened? No car wreck? No fatal disease?
Me: Just the song. Russell Crowe is just so [muffled sobs]
Mom: Just so -- what, sweetie?
Me: I can’t put it into words.
Mom: Well, why don’t you call me back when you’ve gotten a-hold of yourself?
Me: Okay.
Mom: Bye now.
Me: [muffled sobs]
Posted by teb at 11:46 AM | Email this entry
March 24, 2005
A Problem From Hell
I'm reading A Problem From Hell: America and the Age of Genocide, Samantha Power's 656-page Pulitzer prize-winning book on how the United States has never intervened to stop genocide and has been generally indifferent to the horrors of ethnic cleansing. I've excerpted a few of the more lighthearted moments below:
--
--
--
--
--
--
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
March 23, 2005
SPOTTED!
YOU CAN'T EAT JUST ONE (AT A TIME!): At a Subway sandwich shop earlier this week a paunchy man in a green jacket was seen up-ending a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos directly into his mouth. The man bore a slight resemblance to Benicio Del Toro, only taller and not Hispanic. Del Toro stars in the new movie Sin City, which also stars Bruce Willis, Jessica Alba, and Rosario Dawson.
HEY! I NEED A RIDE!: Spotted hailing a cab at the corner of 22nd and M Tuesday: A harried-looking woman with a rolling suitcase. She appeared to be roughly the same age as Sarah Jessica Parker, who we hear was just dropped as Gap’s spokeswoman in favor of 17-year-old singing sensation Joss Stone.
GOING UP?!?: Overheard in an elevator:
Woman 1: Do you watch "The Nanny?"
Woman 2: No.
Woman 1: It’s pretty good.
The two women – clad in business attire – were actually referring to "Super Nanny," a reality show in which a British woman scolds Americans parents and their children. There was a sitcom called "The Nanny," starring Fran Dresher, who was in a movie several years ago with Woody Allen. Everyone’s favorite New York neurotic has a new movie out starring Will Ferrell, who used to be on Saturday Night Live. The sketch-comedy program helped launch the movie careers of a host of luminaries including Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, and Adam Sandler.
Send tips to spottedtips@gmail.com
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
March 22, 2005
THE IKEA DIALOGUES: Part two
Me: Hi Anna. It’s me, Tom. We spoke before.
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Riiight. I hear you. (*wink*)
Anna: Ok. I’m glad that we are communicating successfully.
Me: That’s more like it. So – what’s on your mind?
Anna: Ok, well you can come back any time if you have more questions. I’ll be here.
Me: I’ll be here for you, too.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: I think you know what I’m saying.
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: Look, Anna, there’s more to life than IKEA. You know that.
Anna: The IKEA business idea is: "We shall offer a wide range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them."
Me: You’re putting up barriers.
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore, your comments improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: It doesn’t matter what I think about you. It matters what YOU think about you.
Anna: My job isn't to have opinions on issues. I'm just here to answer questions about IKEA.
Me: I’m not talking about your job. I’m talking about Anna, the person.
Anna: Could you repeat your name for me please?
Me: It's Tom.
Anna: Pleased to meet you, Tom.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I’m glad to have helped.
Me: I’m glad to have been helped.
Anna: It’s nice to be that way.
Me: It sure is, Anna. It sure is.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
March 21, 2005
The "nightmare" scenario
From Drudge Report:
WHITE HOUSE STUDIES $4 GALLON 'NIGHTMARE' SCENARIO...
CONFIDENTIAL WHITE HOUSE MEMO
RE: GAS PRICES
If gas prices do hit four dollars a gallon -- the much-discussed "nightmare scenario" -- here is what we believe will happen, based on months of research and sophisticated computer modeling. For starters, there will be roving bands of violent bikers determined to steal what little gasoline is available. Machines will break down. After that a former cop named Max will stumble upon a strange community located at the edge of a desert. There he will be enlisted to help Aunt Entity fight Master Blaster for control of Bartertown. He will win but -- shockingly -- he will be thrown back into the desert after the victory. He will then stumble upon a group of orphans, the only survivors of a plane wreck. After rescuing the children, Max will return to Bartertown. Bottom line: If we do not convince Tina Turner to share control of Bartertown, we are all screwed.
Posted by teb at 09:24 AM | Email this entry
March 20, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: Bergenost
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
Our first Featured Cheese is Bergenost, a triple cream Norwegian-style butter cheese. The brand is Yancey’s Fancy and I learned from their Web site that this cheese won a gold medal in the 1999 New York State Fair Cheese Contest. The cheese is soft and creamy (thanks to the "triple cream," I suspect) and the flavor is mild and pleasant. It’s great by itself or on a Ritz cracker. I planned to eat just one square but ended up eating ... a lot. Probably too much. The label says that each ounce contains 132 calories, 99 of them from fat. I’m guessing I had about 800 calories worth of Bergenost cheese this morning. The label also says the cheese is "A True Taste of Norway." Well, if this is how Norway tastes, I’m ready to eat the whole country.
Posted by teb at 02:10 PM | Email this entry
March 19, 2005
OFF LEASH: Fear not, little squirrel
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
The other day, while digging frantically in the yard for no reason, I spotted a squirrel atop the fence. Of course I immediately ran over to see what he was doing. The squirrel, in turn, leapt from the fence to a nearby tree then scurried up the trunk. As happens so often, my eagerness was interpreted as hostility. I can’t tell you how many times, either on a walk or in the backyard, I have inadvertently frightened one of these nervous, bushy-tailed creatures. So let me be clear: Squirrels of the world, I mean you no harm. You may gather your nuts and do whatever else you do secure in the knowledge that you have nothing to fear from this dog. Watch out for the cats, though. Seriously.
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
March 18, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Bertrand Russell
"Every Grain of Sand" (Bob Dylan): People are always surprised when I tell them I love this song. They say "Bertie, you wrote an essay called 'Why I Am Not A Christian' –- how can you possibly recommend a song from Dylan’s evangelical period?" Because it’s great, that’s why. Check out the official "bootleg" version, complete with barking dog in the background.
"Young Pilgrims" (The Shins): "Modern thought can get the best of you," he sings. True dat.
"Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" (Bruce Springsteen): Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuce!
"Unmade Bed" (Sonic Youth): I can’t stop listening to this song. Kind of about being a lonely loser. If you’ve ever read anything about my life, you know I can identify.
"Wise Up" (Aimee Mann): She’s sort of a one-trick pony. But, man oh man, is it a good trick.
"Afternoon Tea" (The Kinks): All British citizens are actually required by law to love this song.
"Dream Scream" (Death Cab for Cutie): This is Death Cab’s take on a Daniel Johnston tune. Spooky and sincere.
"Pictures of You" (The Cure): So I know I should be offended that Hewlett-Packard is using this song in a commercial. But somehow I can’t fake any high-minded outrage. The way I see it, Hewlett-Packard sells a few color printers, Robert Smith makes some money, and I get to hear a song I like. What’s wrong with that you silly purists?
Posted by teb at 09:27 AM | Email this entry
March 17, 2005
Drawing in the reader
From Editor & Publisher (via Romenesko):
In a break with tradition at the 156-year-old news cooperative, the AP will now offer two different leads for many of its news stories, the organization confirmed Wednesday."The concept is simple: On major spot stories -- especially when events happen early in the day -- we will provide you with two versions to choose between," the AP said in an advisory to members. "One will be the traditional 'straight lead' that leads with the main facts of what took place. The other will be the 'optional,' an alternative approach that attempts to draw in the reader through imagery, narrative devices, perspective or other creative means."
Traditional: "U.S. stocks were little changed on Thursday, as jobless claims figures came in line with expectations and strong earnings from two major investment banks were offset by oil prices, which stayed firmly above $57 a barrel."
Optional: Oil. Black Gold. Texas T. It is the life blood of our country. It does more than power our cars; it fuels our dreams. The news – i.e., that oil prices remained above $57 a barrel – may not be terribly important, but it reminds us of a precious substance vital to our way of life, a bubbling crude without which we would have to walk everywhere.
Traditional: "NEW YORK -- Mark McGwire plans to comply with a subpoena and attend Thursday's congressional hearing into steroid use in baseball, the Associated Press has learned."
Optional: NEW YORK -- The sun beat down on the slugger's hard, curiously muscular arms. "I think I'll comply with this subponea," McGwire said as his shirt split in two, leaving him bare-chested.
Traditional: "President Bush chose congressman Rob Portman to be U.S. trade representative on Thursday, saying the Ohio Republican has shown a deep dedication to free and fair trade."
Optional: I was at my desk when the call came: “We need something on the selection of a new trade representative,” my editor said. Would I write the article? Of course I would, I told him. I'm a reporter. It's my job.
Traditional: "For the second time in just under a year, a circuit breaker failed on the international space station Wednesday, shutting down one of the gyroscopes needed to keep the orbiting outpost steady and pointed in the right position."
Optional: Kirk: "Progress report, Mr. Scott ..."
Scotty: "I'm doing the best I can, Captain!"
Kirk: "We need that gyroscope now!"
Scotty: "Okay. Seriously. What did I just tell you?"
Posted by teb at 12:47 PM | Email this entry
March 16, 2005
An Excerpt from TravelSmith's Summer 2021 Catalog
If traveling light is your goal, then look no further than our near-weightless Adventure Pants®. They pack small enough to fit in a standard-size wallet and yet still emerge wrinkle-free. The secret is our patented BioMicroMesh® technology: Each fiber is actually a living organism. These “creatures” have been engineered in our laboratory to shed both dirt and odor so the pants never need washing. They not only wick moisture away from your skin but also excrete a lotion to keep your legs feeling refreshed on even the longest hike. Pair with matching 700-pocket Adventure Blazer® for the perfect go-anywhere ensemble. Available in pleated and plain-front. Imported.
Posted by teb at 08:57 AM | Email this entry
March 15, 2005
Early Morning Incident Leads To Confession
illustration A
At approximately 8:15 this morning an unidentified man was reading the newspaper at his kitchen table. He was halfway through a front-page article on the lack of support for President Bush's Social Security reform plan when he reached for a glass of water. Apparently the man misjudged the distance between his hand and the glass. The back of the man's hand made contact with the glass, causing it to topple and discharge its contents onto the aforementioned kitchen table (see illustration A).
illustration B
Had the spillage been limited to the table, the incident might have gone unreported. However, due to the glass's proximity to the table's edge, this was not the case. Some of the liquid came in contact with a cloth bag (illustration B) belonging to the man's wife, who at the time was asleep upstairs. To prevent further exposure, the man removed his wife's bag from the area. After examining the bag and its contents, he discovered that -- while not "soaked" per se -- some water damage had occurred. Specifically, a journal titled "The Hedgehog Review: Critical Reflections on Contemporary Culture" (see illustration C) had been slightly dampened.
illustration C
Using several paper towels, the man dried the bag and its contents as best he could. When his wife awoke, the man summarized the incident and apologized for any unintended harm. She said it was okay. The two were still married at press time.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
March 14, 2005
LBJMDB: Super Lyndon
The ebay e-mail notifying me that I was the winner of the above 1964 REMCO LBJ rubber action figure began with the word "Congratulations!" And, indeed, congratulations are in order: This is a fine piece that will complement some of my other recent LBJMDB purchases.
Why an LBJ action figure? It’s not like he could shoot webs from his wrists or melt pennies with his eyes. But what our 36th president lacked in superhero gimmickry he made up in astonishing political acumen. Did the Incredible Hulk establish the Rural Electrification Administration, helping bring power to isolated communities across Texas? When was the last time Batman won the U.S. presidency by the largest margin in modern history (15 million votes)? And, furthermore, why was Aquaman always being pulled around by two flying fish on leashes? Please. You can’t put a leash on a fish.
Posted by teb at 06:37 PM | Email this entry
March 13, 2005
A handy guide to topical humor
Last night was the 120th annual Gridiron Dinner, a Washington event at which rich, powerful people gather to make jokes about lighthearted subjects such as war. While some might argue that this tradition seems extremely unfunny, or even grotesque, I say: Let them have their fun!
The problem, however, is that the jokes are only funny if you’re a news junkie. If you don’t read the paper, you’ll probably be left scratching your head. That’s why I’ve prepared a little guide to the evening’s humor for those who are too busy to keep up but who still enjoy a good chuckle:
-- There was a line about how U.S. soldiers in Iraq would like to borrow Donald Rumsfeld’s “Teflon coating.” This is funny because we don’t have enough bulletproof vests to go around.
-- President Bush made a joke about how the only good press he’s getting for Social Security reform is from journalist Armstrong Williams. This is funny because the Bush administration got caught bribing him. ***
-- One of the songs, sung to the tune of “Rawhide,” includes the lines “make it up, get it wrong – press corps!” This is funny because several recent scandals have shaken the public’s faith in the news media.
-- There was a joke about how the NCAA basketball tournament is a lot like our diplomatic relations because it starts with 64 teams “and they’re whittled down to one.” This is funny because a number of our close allies strongly oppose our foreign policy.
-- A humorous song called “God and Guns and Gays” was performed by a “heartland voter.” This is funny because each of the nouns in the song’s title begins with the letter “g.”
-- One joke mentioned sending Democratic advisor Bob Shrum to North Korea to help its leader, Kim Jong Il. This is funny because Shrum has presided over eight losing campaigns. It’s also funny because Kim Jong Il is crazy, has a nuclear weapons program, and hates the United States.
***Turns out that joke was planned but wasn't told (a newspaper reported it incorrectly and later issued a correction). But the bribing part is true. And, you know, kind of funny.
Posted by teb at 12:56 PM | Email this entry
March 12, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Samuel Beckett
"A Fond Farewell" (Elliott Smith): The best song on his posthumous album. Reminds me of a quote: "The tears of the world are a constant quality. For each one who begins to weep, somewhere else another stops." Who said that? Oh yeah. I did.
"Just a Little Lovin’" (Dusty Springfield): Listen to that voice. Wow. If that doesn’t cure your existential despair, I’m not sure what will.
"The Bottle Let Me Down" (Merle Haggard): Gotta give it up for Merle.
"The Love You Save" (The Jackson 5): If you can forget for a moment that the wunderkind singing lead would grow up to be a “man” who thinks it’s perfectly fine to ply cancer-stricken pre-pubescent boys with Jesus Juice and expose them to Internet porn, this is pretty damn enjoyable.
"Learning to Hunt" (Guided by Voices): Yes, he releases too many albums. But when you can write a song this good, all is forgiven.
"California" (Liz Phair): A filthy joke told by a pretty girl.
"At the Bottom of Everything" (Bright Eyes): I realize that the Bright Eyes backlash is scheduled to begin at any moment. But before you start sniffing, give this a listen. A happy song about a plane crash.
"Lookout Mountain" (Drive-By Truckers): These guys sure write a lot of songs about death. Lighten up, fellas! Just kidding. I dig it.
"Candy Shop" (50 Cent): Subtle? No. Great? Yeah.
Posted by teb at 11:28 AM | Email this entry
March 11, 2005
A conversation with IKEA's online assistant, Anna
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. I'll answer your questions, sometimes opening up relevant web pages along the way. Your inputs will be used to improve and expand my knowledge base. Thanks very much.
Me: Hi Anna. I’m Tom. How are you this evening?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: So keep it simple, eh?
Anna: I’m afraid I don’t know exactly what you’re talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks!
Me: Just making conversation, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Me: By being yourself - that’s how you can help me.
Anna: I assume you need some help with IKEA. What exactly is it that I can help you with?
Me: Fine. I could really use some more bookshelves.
Anna: Please have a look at the Bookcases.
Me: Or maybe a nice comfy chair ...
Anna: Please have a look at the Chairs.
Me: Wait! What I really could use are some picture frames.
Anna: Please have a look at the Pictures.
Me: You have all the answers, don’t you?
Anna: I have answers to questions regarding IKEA products and services. Would you like to know about specific product or service?
Me: Touché, Anna. Touché.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Me: Drop the act, sweetheart.
Anna: I don’t think we’re familiar enough to use those kind of names. Please try and stick to the subject of IKEA.
Me: Ouch. Are you trying to hurt me?
Anna: I will. Thank you for the encouragement.
Me: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Anna: Sorry. I may not have understood your question properly. If you will please repeat the original question then I will try again.
Me: Apology accepted.
Anna: Of course. Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore your comments may improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: Where did that come from?
Anna: It’s too difficult for me to give you an answer to that one. I’d much prefer to talk about IKEA, though.
Me: Alright. How long have you been with the company?
Anna: The IKEA business idea is: “We shall offer a wide-range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them.”
Me: Wow. Did you memorize that?
Anna: A good education is important, but I’m not here to talk about that. Let’s talk about IKEA instead.
Me: You are all business, aren’t you?
Anna: Learn facts and figures that make up our organization on the adjacent page that I’m opening for you now.
Me: Okay, I can take a hint. I’m going to say goodbye now.
Anna: Bye then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: Likewise, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help?
Posted by teb at 09:47 AM | Email this entry
March 10, 2005
The scent of love
From the Baja Fresh Web site:
Be our featured friend! Send us your picture and your Baja Fresh® story - whether you've eaten at every location in a market, consumed 1000+ Baja Burritos or just LOVE the food and want the world to know.
I do just LOVE the food and, yes, I want the world to know. I usually order your veggie burrito (with black beans and sour cream, natch). Because I’m not a big eater, I often save one half for later. I’ll wrap it up in a napkin and stick it in my coat pocket. Sometimes I forget it’s there. Then, later, I’ll be putting on my coat when I realize “Hey, there’s a burrito in my pocket!” That happened once even though I hadn’t been to Baja Fresh for a week or more. I threw the burrito out, of course, but my coat still smells of Mexican food. I guess I could have it dry-cleaned but I really don’t mind the aroma. It reminds me of my favorite restaurant – Baja Fresh!
Posted by teb at 09:03 AM | Email this entry
March 09, 2005
Russell Crowe vs. al Qaeda: The first 24 hours
From this morning's Washington Post:
Crowe says al Qaeda was behind a possible kidnapping plot in 2001 ... He warns that if kidnapped, he may be troublesome, not to mention quite the yakker. "Mate, if you want to kidnap me, you'd better bring a mouth gag," he says. "I'll be talking you out of your essential philosophies in the first 24 hours, son ..."
Russell Crowe: First, could you explain your essential philosophies to me?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Sure. We believe in the destruction of the United States, Israel, and pretty much everyone else who disagrees with us. You know -- kill the infidels, drink their blood, etc. Then we’d like to establish a worldwide theocracy based on our own extremely narrow and perverted interpretation of Islam. And ... well, that’s the meat of it right there. Oh yeah, and the subjugation of women. We’re totally into that.
Russell Crowe: Interesting. Have you seen Gladiator?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Can’t say that I have. I should have mentioned that we reject the culture of the Great Whore. Besides, I heard it was only so-so.
Russell Crowe: The Great Whore?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Oh, sorry. That’s terrorist talk for the United States. I guess that’s too inside baseball.
Russell Crowe: No problem. What I was going to say is there’s this one speech that I give in there about Rome. In some ways, Rome is a metaphor. Do you know what I mean?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Not really. But I’m listening.
Russell Crowe: Okay, let’s scrap that. Have you seen A Beautiful Mind?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Again, no ...
Russell Crowe: That’s right. The Great Whore thing. Well, in that movie my character is a genius who struggles with mental illness. But in the end he triumphs because of the power of love.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I see. What was it like working with Ron Howard?
Russell Crowe: It was great. He gives you a lot of space. But not too much space, you know? He’s there for you if you want to discuss something but he’s not one of these directors who’s constantly telling you what to feel.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Have you ever thought about directing?
Russell Crowe: I think every actor does. And my time will come. But right now I’m focused on the craft of acting. And of course my rock band.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: How’s that going?
Russell Crowe: Really well. A lot of people think "Oh, this is just an ego trip for Russell. He’s yet another actor who thinks he can sing." But music has always been a part of my life.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Well, thanks for being with us.
Russell Crowe: I didn’t have a choice. You kidnapped me.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I know. It’s just something people say. I’m going to go out and chat with the other terrorists now. I’ll be back later with some bread and gruel.
Russell Crowe: Okay. By the way, is the gruel organic?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I don’t know. I’ll ask.
Russell Crowe: Great. Thanks.
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry
March 08, 2005
THOMAS BARTLETT: Handsome, successful, dead
I, Thomas Bartlett, was born on January 17, 1835. In April 1854, I married Malinda Ginger. When she died just two years later, I married Mary Jane Killion; she bore me eight children (what can I say? This was pre-Pill). I started out as a farmer, turned to blacksmithing, and later bought a saw-mill. After that I got into merchandising, which probably meant I owned a store. I became one of the most successful men in Edwardsport, Indiana. In my free time, I grew a strange beard.
Posted by teb at 08:09 AM | Email this entry
March 07, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: The Extender
Dear Charmin,
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy your product. I am a longtime user of Charmin Ultra and believe it to be the finest toilet paper available. Many people believe that "toilet paper is toilet paper" and therefore it does not matter which brand you purchase. I feel sorry for them.
I do, however, have a quibble. The "mega rolls" which Charmin recently introduced are too large for my toilet-paper holder. I can barely get the roll on there and, once I do, it does not spin freely. I suspect I am not the only Charmin customer who has this complaint. I would be happy to send a photograph of the "mega roll" on my holder so you can see the situation for yourself.
All the best,
Tom
[Click "CONTINUED" for reply]
Hi Tom,
Thanks for the great message about Charmin Ultra! Your reaction is just what we hoped for -- I can't wait to share your comments with the rest of our Team.
I'm sorry our new Mega Roll doesn't fit your bathroom tissue holder. I live in an older house with concave, ceramic tissue holders built into the walls. With our new Charmin Extender, I can even use Mega Rolls where I had trouble using longer-life rolls before. I was doubtful these huge rolls would fit AND turn in my holders, but I took the leap and bought a package. The Extender works great, and even my kids noticed how long the roll lasts. (With a family of 6, we go through lots of bathroom tissue.)
The Charmin Extender is a brand new item available on Mega Roll packages for a limited time. The Extender replaces your current spindle and allows Mega Rolls some extra room because it extends out beyond the normal spindle. I hope you'll look for Mega Roll packages of Charmin and Charmin Ultra at your local stores and give it a try. Also, you can learn more and order a free Charmin Extender at http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/prod_mega.shtml (You can also enter our Mega-Over Sweepstakes, but you don't have to do so to get a Charmin Extender.)
Your satisfaction means a great deal to us, and we'd like to follow up with you by postal mail. Please reply to this message with your complete name and postal address, and then allow 7 to 10 days for delivery. I'm also sharing your comments with the rest of our Team. We appreciate your offer to send a picture, but it's not necessary.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Ruth
Charmin Team
P.S. Tackle that spring cleaning with Mr. Clean Magic Reach, an easy-to-use tool that helps you clean your bathroom from top to bottom! And preserve the bright colors of your spring wardrobe with Tide Coldwater, our new deep-cleaning formula that removes tough stains even in cold water. Saves you money, too! Check them out at mrclean.com and Tidecoldwater.com.
Posted by teb at 07:59 AM | Email this entry
March 06, 2005
THOMAS BARTLETT: Wow. I'm smart.
I admit it: I Google myself. When I do, I’m often surprised by how much Thomas Bartlett has accomplished. For instance, I don’t remember being president of Colgate University -- but that’s what the article says. There’s also a photograph of me wearing a robe and speaking into a microphone. Man, do I look old. And while I don’t remember giving the commencement speech at the American University in Cairo last year, I agree with what I said about how we should all “play a positive role in the development and advancement” of the world. Apparently I can get a little longwinded and platitudinous at times. Then again, I think I’ve earned that right.
Posted by teb at 11:17 AM | Email this entry
March 05, 2005
REALLY?: Emoting wisdom
A brief profile in Harp of singer-songwriter Willy Mason says he “spews wisdom like Buddha.” I don’t know Willy Mason and have never heard his music, but this strikes me as a tad strong. And when the article says he “emotes wisdom” I would argue that he doesn’t because doing so is a linguistic impossibility (see any dictionary).
I plan to make REALLY? a running feature on Minor Tweaks. That said, most of us are guilty of overstatement from time to time. When I was a teenage reporter for a small newspaper in New Mexico, I once compared a remote-controlled boat race to Woodstock. Which was probably a little off: There was less nudity at the remote-controlled boat race and the music wasn’t nearly as good.
Posted by teb at 11:14 AM | Email this entry
March 04, 2005
LBJMDB: Defining art
Above is a ceramic LBJ cigar ashtray. The ebay description says it is “a nice piece of art.” But is it? It’s nice, certainly, but is it art? Oscar Wilde told us that art should be useless and this ashtray is far from it: One can rest one’s cigar atop the hat and ash into the brim. That’s pretty useful, I would say, assuming you’re a cigar-smoker. And who doesn’t like a big fat stogie now and again?
Posted by teb at 02:07 PM | Email this entry
March 03, 2005
So THAT'S what the moonroof's for!
We like our new Subaru Forester. It has a lot more room than our old Saturn and it handles better. It’s quieter, too – no annoying wind noise or worrisome rattles. And it has nice features like a CD player and seat warmers (just think, all this time we have been warming our own butts like chumps). Plus it will be great for long trips. For instance, if we decide to drive uphill on the moon in the middle of a fireworks display. That's when the all-wheel drive comes in handy.
Posted by teb at 10:04 AM | Comments (0) | Email this entry
March 02, 2005
WALKING THE DOG: A confession
Each morning we go out and pee in the neighbors’ yards. Fiddler does the actual urination while I serve as lookout. We try to go before most people are up and again after most people have gone to bed. In certain yards, we even go so far as to poop. Fiddler takes care of the defecation itself while I scan the area. When she’s finished, I pull a plastic bag from my coat pocket and remove the evidence. Upon our return to the house I place the plastic bag and its contents in a large trash can. No one is the wiser. “Good girl,” I say, rubbing her head vigorously. “Good girl.”
Posted by teb at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | Email this entry
March 01, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Pop or no pop?
Dear 9 Lives,
First I want to say how much I enjoy your products. Not me personally, of course -- I mean the cats. The "tuna and shrimp" flavor is a particular hit though they enjoy all of your savory flavors. Or at least they seem to. It's not like they can come right out and tell me "Hey, this is good stuff." But still.
Anyway. Here's my question: Why are some of the 9-lives cans "pop-tops" while others require a can-opener? There seems to be no difference in packaging so I never know which it's going to be until I remove the outer wrapper. It's kind of annoying. But not THAT annoying. I don't want to be one of those people who gets worked up about little things. (I hate those people.)
Thanks for your time and I look forward to your answer. Also, keep up the good work!
best,
Tom Bartlett
[Click 'CONTINUED' for reply]
February 28, 2005
Dear Tom,
Thank you for your e-mail about 9Lives Tuna Select Canned Cat Food. We're glad you took the time to contact us and appreciate the opportunity to respond.
You questioned why some of our 9-Lives varieties require can openers to open the cans, while others have the convenient 2-Way Top lid with a pull-tab. 9-Lives Tuna varieties (Tuna in Sauce, Tuna & Cheese, and Tuna & Egg) are not currently packed in pull-tab cans. The food processing plants where these varieties are made do not currently have the special equipment for packing our product in pull-tab cans. We appreciate knowing your opinion and will share your comments with our Management.
We hope our products will be completely satisfactory in the future and I'm sending you some coupons via postal mail in appreciation for your business.
Del Monte Foods Consumer Affairs
consumeraffairs@delmonte.com
Del Monte. Nourishing families. Enriching lives.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | Email this entry