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May 31, 2005
Memorial weekend to-do list: a postmortem
Read painfully dull Esquire profile of Ewan McGregor.
Attempt to use Barnes and Noble coupon at Borders. Feel even dumber when the clerk says "It happens all the time."
Take a mid-morning nap.
Feel annoyed at self for not replacing lightbulb in utility room. Not annoyed enough, however, to actually replace it.
Watch clip of Jon Stewart eviscerating Tucker Carlson on Crossfire because it never, ever, ever gets old.
Microwave a burrito. After first bite realize it's still cold. Eat anyway.
Re-read Ewan McGregor profile because it's open on the table.
Find lost dog. Return to owner. Feel like weekend was worthwhile.
Posted by teb at 12:31 PM | Email this entry
May 30, 2005
Why an animated frog imitating a Swedish moped is preferable to the band Coldplay
From the International Herald Tribune:
A mobile phone ring tone based on an imitation of the sound of a Swedish moped is expected to become the leading music single in Britain. Through Friday, the ring tone "Crazy Frog Axel F," the first tune created for mobile phones to cross into mainstream music charts, was outselling the new single of the group Coldplay by about four to one, the Official UK Charts Company said.
-- The frog doesn’t write lousy lyrics.
-- The frog doesn’t sing every chorus in a silly falsetto.
-- The frog isn’t constantly referred to as the next U2.
-- The frog doesn’t take itself too damn seriously.
-- The frog doesn’t contort its body while playing piano as if he’s sooooo into it he just can’t help himself.
-- The frog didn’t name its child after fruit.
Posted by teb at 11:53 AM | Email this entry
May 29, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE(S): Vintage Irish Cheddar and Coach Farm Button Goat Cheese
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
I wanted to like Vintage Irish Cheddar. It has a lovely label and it's from Ireland, my ancestral homeland. Alas, the cheese is only so-so: It's kind of dry and has a somewhat pungent aftertaste. On the other hand, the Irish have given us so much (Guinness, the Pogues, Guinness) that it's unfair to expect good cheese as well.
Much more enjoyable was Coach Farm Button Goat Cheese. It's crumbly and moist and has a nice, mild flavor. It comes packaged as a disgusting-looking ball (see above) but it's actually pretty good. I think of goat cheese as a pizza topping but it works on a cracker, too. Who knew?
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
May 28, 2005
Take that, comfort
From "The Writing Life," a feature in the Washington Post Book World, by novelist John Burdett:
"Get disoriented. Maybe your agonizing writer's block isn't agonizing enough. Your enemy is comfort."
I am writing today's entry from our basement. It is dark down here; in fact, I can barely see the keyboard. My padded chair has been replaced with a hard, unstable stool. Instead of black tea with milk I am drinking Mountain Dew from a dirty glass. I haven't showered for days. My skin itches. I am listening to the radio -- the best of the 80s, 90s, and today. My pants are a size too small. I have been subsisting entirely off of bologna and Cheeze-Its. Whenever I worry that I might be getting too comfortable I poke myself in the leg with a tack I keep nearby just for this purpose. I think it's working. It's hard to tell because I'm not wearing my glasses (helps with disorientation) so I can't actually read what I've written so far. But I'm willing to bet it's pretty darn good.
Also I've been practicing my intense, penetrating and slightly mysterious gaze. That'll come in handy when it's time for my jacket photo.
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
May 27, 2005
Precious? Please.
Someone I met recently expressed a strong preference for serious, thoughtful blogs. He scoffed at blogs by navel-gazers who believe their every stray thought is worthy of worldwide dissemination. These are the sort of people, he continued, who post pictures of their pets -- as if they expect the rest of us to coo over some lazy, overfed furball.
I scoffed right along with him. Because who wants to see such pictures? I mean, who cares if your two cats are sleeping on the dog's bed while the dog is sleeping on the hard floor next to the bed looking sad and displaced? That's not interesting to anyone but you. Besides, are you really waiting around for your cat or dog to do something "cute" so you can take its picture? Can't you find a better use for your time? Don't you have anything worthwhile to contribute? There's only one word for you people: pathetic.
Posted by teb at 10:15 AM | Email this entry
May 26, 2005
A NOT-VERY-GOOD POEM WRITTEN USING THE RANDOM WORDS THAT APPEAR IN JUNK E-MAIL MESSAGES: American Idol edition
What a happy pair were they
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
Warbling onward, come what may
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
But every road must end one day
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
You've sung enough; you've had your say
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
Now please leave us -- go away
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
To another continent perhaps, or Spain
Carrie and Bo, Carrie and Bo
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry
May 25, 2005
Things I saw/heard in Times Square yesterday that made me think "My, how quintessentially New York that is!"
* A man covering one nostril with his finger and expelling air through the other nostril thereby forming what is referred to in certain circles as a "snot rocket."
* A woman carrying a fluffy white dog in a shoulder bag and screaming "I know! I know!" into her cell phone.
* A bedraggled man unbuckling his belt, pulling down his pants, messing around with his boxers for a little while and then -- apparently satisfied with the results -- pulling up his pants and re-buckling his belt.
Posted by teb at 09:32 AM | Email this entry
May 23, 2005
No ball and chain
When Kellie is away for a couple of days, as she is now, it gives me a chance to cut loose. I can pretty much do whatever I want. So if, say, I decide that I want to eat chips and salsa while watching TV, there is no one to stop me. Not that she would stop me but even if she wanted to she couldn't because she's not here. Also I turned the radio up kind of loud while doing the dishes. It was great. And then, to top it off, I put a load of laundry in the washing machine right before bed. If Kellie had been here, she would have reminded me that this would use up all the hot water and then we'd have to take cold showers. But she wasn't! Ha ha! Freedom, baby. Oh yeah. It's sweet.
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
May 22, 2005
OFF LEASH: The boy across the street
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
I have nothing against children. I like them, in fact: they usually want to pet me. Yes, they pull my ears sometimes or rub me vigorously the wrong way, but that's fine. They don't know any better and I don't mind the attention.
That said, I have issues with the 10-year-old boy who lives across the street. On a recent walk, he approached cautiously and asked if he could pet me. After being told that he could, he made several jerky motions with his hand in the direction of my head, then squealed and ran away. What was that? I remain baffled. I thought kids today we're supposed to be de-sensitized mini-monsters not bed-wetting wusses. Somebody needs to buy junior a copy of "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" -- and quick.
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
May 21, 2005
Hangin' with the deceased
CBS has canceled "Joan of Arcadia," filling the Friday time slot with "Ghost Whisperer," starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a woman who talks to dead people.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: What's up?
Dead People: Nothing.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: So ... I hear you're dead.
Dead People: That's right.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: How's that going?
Dead People: Fine.
[awkward silence]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Did you hear that I have a new TV show?
Dead People: What?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: A TV show. I have one.
Dead People: Okay.
[awkward silence]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Anyway. I was wondering if you wanted to tell me something?
Dead People: Tell you something?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Yeah.
Dead People: Like what?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I don't know. Like something about the future.
Dead People: We don't care about that. We're dead.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Right, but don't you want to pass on a message to the living or something?
Dead People: Not really.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Come on.
Dead People: Why are you bothering us? It's always some hot-but-kinda-spacey chick like yourself or else some creepy little kid trying to contact us. Enough, you know?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'm sorry. [starts crying]
Dead People: Wait, now, don't cry.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I can't help it. My movie career isn't working out and I released an album that flopped and then certain people in the industry won't return my calls and now even the dead won't talk to me. [continues crying]
Dead People: Sweetie, it's okay. You're going to be alright. Look, we'll talk to you. We're talking to you right now. That's pretty cool, right? You're talking to the dead ...
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Yeah, I suppose.
Dead People: That's my girl.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Thanks, dead people. I feel better.
Dead People: Glad to help. Well, we've got to run.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Where are you going?
Dead People: Um ... somewhere.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Can I come too?
Dead People: No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Can I call you later?
Dead People: Uh yeah, sure.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: What's your cell?
Dead People: Actually, we rarely turn the thing on. Why don't we call you?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Okay great. Can I have a hug?
Dead People: Um, sure.
[brief, awkward hug]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Later!
Dead People: Yeah. Bye.
Posted by teb at 12:40 PM | Email this entry
May 20, 2005
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
A quote from Prince George's County Executive Jack B. Johnson as reported in the Washington Post:
"Except for the crime issue, everything is just going outstanding right now."
As a resident of Prince George's county in Maryland, I would like to commend our executive for telling it like it is. Things are terrific. Okay, sure, we have seen a spike in the murder rate (59 percent over last year) that puts us on a pace to surpass the 1992 record of 151 killings in the county. And yes, rapes, robberies and car-jackings are also up sharply. In fact, nearly twice as many businesses in the county have been broken into this year as were broken into last year at this time. But like our executive, I think the real culprit is the news media. They focus on the murders and the rapes and the robberies and they forget about all the good things. For example, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Also, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. And don't forget silver white winters that melt into spring ...
(It helps if you imagine the previous lines being sung by a group of children on a mountainside in Austria wearing clothes their governess (played by the delightful Julie Andrews) made from some old drapes.)
Posted by teb at 11:16 AM | Email this entry
May 19, 2005
Kids are great
From Vanity Fair
"If I ever saw a man be great with my child, then that would be it for me," she says. "I actually know that."
Dear Angelina Jolie,
You don't know me but I read about how you're having a hard time finding a man who is good with your adopted kid. That must be rough. And it's true that some men would rather play golf or watch TV than spend quality time with a child. Actually I don't like the word "child" -- I prefer "smaller person." Because that's what children are, really, when you think about it.
Personally, there's nothing I love more than spending an afternoon reading to a smaller person or teaching him to shoot a basketball. Not that I would be one of those parents who put a lot of pressure on their kids to excel in sports. The important thing is whether the smaller person is enjoying himself and whether he's getting the positive reinforcement he needs. That's what matters to me. It's about the kid, you know, not the parent. That's where the focus should be.
Anyway. If you want to talk about this more, gimme a call. I'm pretty free this weekend if you two wanted to come over. We could make ice cream sundaes and fingerpaint. You could even stay over if you wanted. Let me know.
Sincerely,
Every Heterosexual Male in the World
Posted by teb at 01:51 PM | Email this entry
May 18, 2005
A very special Minor Tweaks
In sitcom vernacular, a flashback episode is an episode in which the characters "remember" previous episodes. This allows a show's producers to string together clips from old episodes to create a new one. It's cheap, easy and they know that we'll consume their re-heated offerings without complaint.
I was thinking of this earlier today when I was snowed-in at a ski lodge. I was also thinking about that time Russell Crowe talked his captors out of their essential philosophies. After that I thought for a while about that time Kellie and I drove to New York to see Christo's "The Gates." When I was finished thinking about that, I happened to recall the time I e-mailed the people who make 9-lives cat food. Then, out of nowhere, I remembered an essay my dog wrote about Ralph Waldo Emerson -- which, now that I think about it, is kind of remarkable. Before I was able to remember anything more there was a knock at the door. It was a rescue party! I was saved. The whole ordeal lasted exactly 30 minutes, including commercials.
Posted by teb at 08:56 PM | Email this entry
May 17, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheddar
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheddar comes in two varieties: sliced and unsliced. The price on the packages is the same (at least at the grocery store where I shop) but you get slightly less cheese if you opt for the sliced. I usually choose the sliced because I am extremely lazy. Here's another admission: I prefer Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheddar to most frou-frou cheeses. It's just good, honest cheese. It's a cheese that's not afraid to be what it is. It's a cheese that stands up and says "Hey, I'm ordinary cheese -- and you know what? That's okay." There's no novelty packaging, no precious and almost certainly apocryphal backstory. None of that. It's just cheese. They'll even slice it for you. And in these troubled times, isn't that a comfort?
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
May 16, 2005
The weekend to-do list: a postmortem
Consider buying a scanner for the computer, get confused about features and prices, leave store empty-handed.
Read New Yorker while reclining on couch. Fall asleep mid-article.
Start mowing lawn, get distracted, don’t finish.
Play snowboarding video game for several hours until the "mountain is conquered."
Check mail. Then remember that it doesn’t come on Sunday.
Consider disposing of wood and bricks stacked haphazardly in front of shed. Fail to do so.
Fill a bowl with grapes. Eat them.
Walk through living room. Realize entire house smells like dog. Shrug, keep walking.
Posted by teb at 08:26 AM | Email this entry
May 15, 2005
The little dictator
From Voice of America:
Saddam Hussein reportedly is writing his autobiography while he languishes in an Iraqi prison, awaiting trial for abuses committed during his time in power.
Like many children, I enjoyed playing games. One of my favorites was called "Who is Loyal?" Here’s how it worked: We would all gather around a table with me at the head. I would ask my friends if they had any criticisms of me. No, they would all say. In fact, they would go on and on about how great I was. Please, I would tell them, be honest with me. But Saddam, they would protest, there is nothing to criticize. Still, I would continue to insist. Eventually one of the boys would speak up and say that, well, I could be a little bossy at times. This boy would then be shot as an example to the others. When we got tired of that game we played "Fool The Americans Into Thinking We Have Nukes So They’ll Invade Us For No Reason."
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
May 14, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Cyril Connolly
"The Punisher" (Eric B. & Rakim): Makes me want to sit down and write a wry, aphoristic anti-novel.
"So What!!" (The Lyrics): Adding a harmonica to your intro is always a good call.
"God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind)" (Randy Newman): Why would a guy capable of writing a song this hilarious and terrifying and perfect moonlight as Disney’s sweet little song boy? Oh yeah: money.
"2+2=5" (Radiohead): A kick-ass song from the band’s awfully weak last release. For those of us who prefer our pretend world to the real one.
"Boring Enormous" (Paul Westerberg): His albums aren’t very good (it’s okay to do a second take once in a while, Paul) but he’s still got a knack for the self-pitying sad sack routine.
"Step Into My Office, Baby" (Belle & Sebastian): Been pushing for a raise. Been pushing now for days.
"Where's the Orchestra?" (Billy Joel): So let’s say you put some Billy Joel on your iPod because your wife is a fan. And then let's further say you have the thing set on shuffle and this song comes up and ... well, you kind of like it. That’s fine, just don’t admit it. Ever.
"Dallas" (The Flatlanders): Dallas is a rich man with a death wish in his eye. Also, Dallas sucks.
Posted by teb at 10:50 AM | Email this entry
May 13, 2005
Business advice for the swingset set
From a press release:
Bill Rancic, winner of the first season of NBC's popular reality program The Apprentice, will write a children's book titled Beyond the Lemonade Stand: Starting Small to Make It Big ... Beyond the Lemonade Stand is an advice book for children ages 8-12 who are looking to get ahead.
You may start out mowing the neighbor’s lawn, running a lemonade stand, or delivering newspapers. But eventually you want to parlay that into a role on a popular reality television program, preferably one hosted by a man who has become an icon for financial success despite his frequent bankruptcies. Once on the show, try to outperform other contestants in a series of challenges that have nothing to do with actual business acumen.
After you win, attempt to turn yourself into some kind of guru even though it’s unclear what -- if anything -- you’ve accomplished. Continue to trade on your hollow television victory until even you can’t stand yourself. One day you’ll be chatting up some cute waitress at an Applebee’s in suburban Minneapolis when the following will occur to you: “I am an utter fraud.” Ignore this epiphany as best you can and continue chatting up the waitress. Even if she won’t come back to your hotel room, maybe she’ll at least bring you a free order of buffalo wings with that spicy dipping sauce you like so much.
Posted by teb at 11:38 AM | Email this entry
May 12, 2005
The animal alert system
From a Washington Post article in which former Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge defends the terrorist alert system:
"People focus too much on colors. It could be numbers, it could be animals," Ridge said.
KOALA BEAR (Low): No need to be alarmed. The terrorists appear to be moving slowly and resting a lot -- much like the koala, which can sleep for as many as 20 hours a day.
FERAL CAT (Guarded): There is a general risk of terrorist attacks but nothing to freak out about. Like the feral cat, the terrorists appear to be harmless. But you don't want to pick one up because it might claw your eyes out.
MONKEY (Elevated): Monkeys can do more damage than you think. They're smart and capable of opening doors. Go ahead and be scared.
PIT BULL (High): Once the terrorists' jaws lock, there's no un-locking them. Start running.
PISSED-OFF WOLVERINE (Severe): Yeah, we're screwed. Just pray that it's over quickly.
Posted by teb at 08:13 AM | Email this entry
May 11, 2005
A brief guide for journalists writing about the recently announced Rolling Stones world tour
Make use of the band’s song titles to spice up that bland lead. Example: "It seems the Rolling Stones still can’t get no satisfaction." Or "Start them up! Mick and Keith are preparing to embark ..." Stay away from more obscure Stones songs. If you write "They may not be taking a silver train, but the Rolling Stones are hitting the road" most people won’t know what you’re talking about.
The members of the Rolling Stones are old. This should be mentioned often and high in the story. Consider playing with the name of the band a bit. Example: "The Rolling Stones are determined not to gather moss." Or turn it around and say: "The Rolling Stones may be gathering moss but that doesn’t mean they can’t rock."
When mentioning when the band will be in your area, don’t say "The Rolling Stones will arrive in TKTK on TKTK." Instead say "The Stones will roll into town ... " See the difference?
Follow these simple rules and you will be on your way to writing a first-rate Rolling Stones article. And remember: Sometimes you can get what you want!
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
May 10, 2005
On standards and integrity
As the operator of Minor Tweaks, I must make editorial decisions every day. What, exactly, should I publish? What does the public truly need? What matters to them?
This is a difficult task and one fraught with temptations. For instance, it would be easy for me to, say, pretend that I had inside information about whether Paula Abdul really slept with a contestant on American Idol named Corey Clark. This, despite the fact that I have no such information. Or I could offer a SNEAK PEEK AT THE NEW STARS WARS MOVIE even though that would be inaccurate and misleading. I could even put some words in all caps hoping that this would fool hapless Google searchers into visiting my site. But that would be wrong. Likewise, running a photograph of Tony Danza crashing a go-kart would also be uncalled-for and inappropriate (see above).
Because while sprinkling the names of famous people in the news -- such as Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Michael Jackson, George Clooney, Tom DeLay, Renee Zellweger, Kenny Chesney, or Orlando Bloom -- throughout my blog might garner a few extra hits, the question must be asked: at what cost? And then it must be repeated for dramatic effect: at what cost?
Posted by teb at 01:44 PM | Email this entry
May 09, 2005
Possible slogans for the liquor store "Good Ole Reliable" that we pass each day on our drive to and from work
"Serving the needs of desperate alcoholics since 1978"
"Free brown paper bag with every purchase"
"If you decide to fall off the wagon, we'll be here"
"Screw your liver. What's it ever done for you?"
"For the discriminating boozehound"
"When you think of those who profit from and contribute to the misery of mankind, think of us"
"Stumble on in"
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
May 08, 2005
Four car garage and we're still buildin' on
Kellie and I have two long-running arguments. The first is: Would it be possible to purchase a service animal even if you weren’t actually blind or otherwise impaired? I say yes because everybody has a price, even the good people who train dogs for the blind. Kellie, on the other hand, wonders why I keep bringing this up.
Our other argument is whether in the song "Luckenbach, Texas (Back to the Basics of Love)" Waylon Jennings sings "We’ve been too busy keeping up with the Jones" or "We’ve been too busy keeping up with the jokes." Kellie argues that jokes are not something people "keep up with" while "keeping up with the Jones" is a commonly used expression. I argue that her so-called logic is, you know, flawed and also ... hey look at that! [runs away]
If only there were some way to settle this argument. Imagine, if you will, a vast electronic repository of knowledge that could give you answers to such questions in mere seconds. We could call it "The Interweb" and we could use it to stamp out ignorance and unite the world. Also it would be good for finding deals on Lyndon Baines Johnson memorabilia.
Posted by teb at 06:30 AM | Email this entry
May 07, 2005
A NOT-VERY-GOOD POEM WRITTEN USING THE RANDOM WORDS THAT APPEAR IN JUNK E-MAIL MESSAGES: III
The sea is water
Pretty much
Moon is a noun
Obviously
Go north
Think big
Exercise often
Is this a test?
Not as such.
Posted by teb at 08:35 AM | Email this entry
May 06, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part four
Me: Greetings my Scandinavian princess!
Anna: Here you will find the Activity Toys.
Me: Er, okay. So I have a dilemma I’m hoping you can help me with.
Anna: I'm sorry to hear that. Please remember that I can only talk about IKEA related matters.
Me: Yeah, I know. We’ve been through this. Everything’s IKEA with you.
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Come off it, Anna. It’s me. Tom.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Me: That’s better. So let’s say you had a decision to make. Are you with me?
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: That’s great. But my problem is I really don’t know what to do.
Anna: If you are having problems with an IKEA product or service, please let me know and I will be glad to help!
Me: It’s like deciding between two kinds of chairs.
Anna: Here you will find the Chairs.
Me: You like the old chair but the new one looks comfortable too.
Anna: Here you will find your latest releases!
Me: I don’t care about that. Listen to me!
Anna: Don't worry, I know it's going to happen some day.
Me: What’s going to happen?
Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
Me: You can’t tell me?
Anna: I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
Me: Just give me a hint.
Anna: I'm sorry, but I can't offer you any advice about your life. If you would like to talk about IKEA though, I'm sure I can help you.
Me: Can’t you make an exception?
Anna: Unfortunately, unless it's relevant to IKEA in some way, I can't get involved.
Me: Okay. I understand.
Anna: Good. We're reading from 'the same page' then as they say.
Me: Yes, they do say that. Thanks, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 08:15 AM | Email this entry
May 05, 2005
OFF LEASH: On little dogs
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Several days ago during my morning walk I encountered a small, white dog. When I say “small” I mean not much bigger than a cat. As soon as the dog saw me, he ran toward the chain-link fence separating us and begin barking angrily. I should point out here that I am what might be called a medium-sized dog -- I weigh in at a solid 55 pounds. There are plenty of dogs bigger than me, of course, but in relation to this puff of fur and attitude I am a veritable monster. And yet, from all appearances, he wanted to fight me to the death. To small dogs everywhere I wish to say the following: Chill out. And to this small dog in particular: You’re lucky the fence was there, my friend.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
May 04, 2005
The partygoer
From a New York Times article on Paris Hilton:
It appears that Ms. Hilton's blond ambition knows no bounds and she is clearly intent on capitalizing on her fame; she commands anywhere from $150,000 to $200,000 to appear at a party for 20 minutes, she said.
When I read the above my first thought was: What about people who don't have an extra $150,000 to $200,000 laying around? Who will come to their parties?
That is why I have decided to make myself available. For $20 I will come to your party and stay for 20 minutes -- no more, no less. I'm not doing this because I need the money or because I like parties (I don't). I'm doing it simply because I feel that Paris Hilton's prices are exorbitant.
Just to be upfront, here are some key differences between Paris Hilton and me:
She is a woman. I am a man.
She is 24 years old and very wealthy. I am 30 years old and not wealthy at all.
She has her own television show, jewelry line, perfume, and nightclub. I don’t even wear perfume.
There are, however, some similarities:
She is not friends with Nicole Richie. Neither am I.
We both use the phrase "That's hot!" Although when I say it it's usually more of a warning.
I should point out that I am not a sparkling conversationalist nor do I dress well. I will show up in jeans and tennis shoes even if it's a black tie affair. In fact my appearance at your party will almost surely be a disappointment to you and your guests; it will certainly be unpleasant for me. Yet it is important that we band together against the kind of price-gouging perpetrated by Paris Hilton and her ilk.
To request that I come to your party for 20 minutes please send an e-mail to tom213@gmail.com giving the time, address, and a short description of the party (it must be in the Washington, D.C., area unless you can cover my travel expenses). I cannot guarantee that I will fulfill every request as I expect there will be a high demand for my services. Be advised that payment must be made in cash. Also be aware that your party should begin early because I like to be in bed before 11 p.m.
Posted by teb at 02:45 PM | Email this entry
May 03, 2005
Billy Idol Rebels Against Scented Candles
"I just hate them, man," said the 49-year-old rocker, best known for wearing leather, pumping his fist, and that video with the surprisingly flexible long-legged girl. "Everybody thinks it's 'intimate' or 'special' to burn scented candles but sometimes you just want a room to smell like a normal room, you know what I mean? Not everything has to smell like cinnamon or vanilla. Seriously. Enough with the scented candles."
Mr. Idol added that he's also rebelling against aspirin bottles that are hard to open and junk mail that looks like real mail. "I want less, less, less of that," he said.
Posted by teb at 12:38 PM | Email this entry
May 02, 2005
Seek and ye shall find. Or not.
Each week literally tens and tens of people visit Minor Tweaks. Why? Well, often it’s by mistake. The hosting service tracks those who find Minor Tweaks using a search engine and records the phrases they searched. For instance, several people searching for the word "bergenost" have stumbled onto the site. One person came to Minor Tweaks while searching for information about our 36th president, Lyndon Baines Johnson. I trust they found what they were looking for.
Others, however, may not have been as pleased. The person who was searching for “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You chords” was probably disappointed. So here they are:
G D C G
G D Am G
Okay, actually those are chords to "Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door" but it’s the best I can do. The person searching for a "cracker barrel buttondown" was probably also less than satisfied. That is why Minor Tweaks will be offering its very own line of buttondown apparel. At some undetermined point in the future.
As for the person who was searching for "barking dog annoying computer program" I really don’t think I can help you. I’m sorry. Good luck with that, though.
Posted by teb at 09:48 AM | Email this entry
May 01, 2005
Don't you cry for me
Berkshire Hathaway chairman Warren Buffett plays the ukulele at the Fruit of the Loom stand at the Qwest Center in Omaha, Neb., while touring exhibits prior to the annual Berkshire Hathaway shareholders meeting.
[To the tune of "Oh Susanna"]
Well, I come from Omaha, Nebraska
With a ukulele on my knee
And I’m richer than pretty much everyone
From sea to shining sea
My name is Warren Buffett
And this is not a joke
I invest in things I understand
Like jewelry, bricks, and Coke
I’m buddies with Bill Gates
Who is very rich like me
Really when you think about it
The whole thing is obscene
My name is Warren Buffett
And this is not a joke
I invest in things I understand
Like jewelry, bricks, and Coke
Posted by teb at 12:28 PM | Email this entry