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June 30, 2005
LBJMDB/RR: The Gendered World of LBJ
Thanks to an anonymous donor (Mitch Gerber), the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom has acquired a copy of Looking Back at LBJ, a collection of academic essays on our 36th president. The book includes an enjoyable essay with a lousy title -- "President Lyndon Johnson and the Gendered World of National Politics" -- that focuses on how LBJ treated women. We learn that he dictated the hairstyles of his staff members, encouraged them to lose weight, and declined to appoint one woman to a high-level position because she wasn’t "good looking." Charming stuff. We also find out that LBJ considered offering the very recently widowed Jackie Kennedy the ambassadorship to Mexico. Here is LBJ’s assessment of how the former First Lady would be received: "She’d just walk out on that balcony and look down on them and they’d pee all over themselves every day."
In honor of this gift, the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom is hereby rechristened the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom/Reading Room.
Posted by teb at 08:39 AM | Email this entry
June 29, 2005
This is not your father's blog entry
Having trouble coming up with a fun, creative lede for that feature or trend story? Then consider using one of the following:
-- Forget [whatever].
This works for all kinds of stories. Here are a few examples:
"Forget string. These days more and more people use tape to seal their packages."
"Forget foreign countries. These days more and more people are taking vacations right here at home."
"Forget shoes. These days more and more people are going barefoot."
-- This is not your father's [whatever]
Like "forget" this formulation is good for most subjects. To wit:
"This is not your father's pocketwatch. No, it's digital and has a built-in GPS system."
"This is not your father's men's magazine. No, it's raunchier and has more pictures."
"This is not your father's Caesar salad. No, it's much bigger and comes in a plastic container."
If neither of these works, try something like the lede used in a USA Today article on tennis phenom Maria Sharapova: "The story line could be written many ways."
Who could argue with that?
Posted by teb at 12:39 PM | Email this entry
June 28, 2005
A PHOTO ESSAY (WITH COMMENTARY): Driving on I-95 from Washington, D.C., to Richmond, Va
You can see that there were a number of other vehicles headed in the same direction.
This photograph offers further proof of my earlier assertion.
It rained for a while.
And then it stopped.
Posted by teb at 09:19 PM | Email this entry
June 27, 2005
MINOR QUIZ: Which is an actual product available in the SkyMall catalog and which is not?
1. Tantastic Airbrush Tanning System
2. Personalized Insulated Floating Cooler
3. Burgundy Calfskin Ipod Cover
4. Toe-rrific Foot Warming Cylinder
5. Tiered Stainless-Steel Chocolate Fountain
6. Life-Size Wooden World War II Airplane Propeller
7. AquaBell Water-Filled Portable Dumbbells
8. Mini Solar-Powered Garden Scarecrow
1. Actual product
2. Actual product
3. Actual product
4. Not
5. Actual product
6. Actual product
7. Actual product
8. Not
Posted by teb at 01:50 PM | Email this entry
June 26, 2005
Priceless
Suppose you want to buy a bottle of water. Now further suppose that there is no price marked on the bottle or indeed on the refrigerated case from whence it came. So naturally you say to the guy behind the counter: "How much?" This straightforward question sets in motion the following exchange:
Man Behind the Counter: "Ten dollars."
You: [blank stare]
Man Behind the Counter: "Yeah, they're all ten dollars."
You: [menacing stare]
Man Behind the Counter: "Ha ha. It's a dollar-sixty."
I don't get this joke but it must be pretty good because I've heard variations of it throughout the country. The above example took place yesterday at a hotel in Houston. A few weeks ago I asked a shuttle driver how much he charged and he replied "Twenty-thousand dollars." The price, as you probably guessed, was twenty dollars; the "thousand" was presumably added for humorous effect. But do people ever laugh? Is there a single person anywhere who finds this even slightly funny? And assuming it is the height of hilarity to pretend that items or services cost much more than they actually do, doesn't the joke wear thin after a few dozen repetitions?
But what I really want to know is did the shuttle driver and the guy selling me the bottle of water each come up with the idea independently or did they hear it from somebody else and think to themselves "Hey, that's a good one -- I should add it to my repertoire of witty rejoinders"?
Posted by teb at 06:53 AM | Email this entry
June 25, 2005
Blurbs for Saddam Hussein's forthcoming novel "Get Out, Damned One"
-- "If you like thinly veiled anti-Semitic symbolism, you'll love Saddam's latest!"
-- "In 'Get Out, Damned One' Saddam once again proves that Hitler wasn't the only genocidal maniac capable of churning out vile, pseudo-literary prose!"
-- "Stunning ... turgid ... bizarre."
-- "The best novel by a soon-to-be-executed former tyrant who gassed untold numbers of innocent Kurds and systematically starved his own people while affording himself every imaginable luxury I've read in years!"
Posted by teb at 11:30 AM | Email this entry
June 23, 2005
You may already be a wiener
From the Oscar Mayer website:
Tell us in 100 words or less how you'd use the Wienermobile for a day -- you could win the ride of your life and $5,000 to create the ride!
-- If I had the Wienermobile for a day, I would use it to create hot dog awareness. Many people think of hot dogs as something you eat only at baseball games or on the street in New York City. This is a myth. In fact, hot dogs can be eaten anywhere food is consumed. To dispel such widespread misconceptions, I would initiate an aggressive 24-hour campaign to inform and educate the hot dog-eating public.
-- The real question is “What wouldn’t I do if I had the Wienermobile for a day?” For starters, I wouldn’t sleep at all that day. I would just drive. Drive and drive. Man, what fun I would have. Driving in the Wienermoble. Think of it: Me in the Wienermobile. Just kicking back. Eating hot dogs. Wow. How great would that be?
-- If I had the Wienermobile for a day, I would be very careful with it. Other people might drive it really fast or throw a crazy tailgate party. Not me. I understand that having the Wienermobile for a day is a responsibility and I would treat the vehicle with respect. After all, this is Oscar Mayer’s corporate reputation that we’re talking about here. I would not do anything that might besmirch or otherwise damage the company’s image and/or stock price, such as driving it while bombed out of my mind on gin.
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry
June 22, 2005
Is this the title of this particular post? Of course it is.
Former Mississippi secretary of State commenting on the manslaughter conviction of ex-KKK member Edgar Ray Killen in USA Today:
“Should this have been done 40 years ago? Absolutely. Is there more work to be done? Clearly.”
Is interviewing yourself an annoying rhetorical tic? Sure it is. Do all politicians and business leaders do it? Yes they do. Is it almost always a transparent attempt to avoid tough questions while pretending to be frank and forthcoming? Obviously, that's the case. Should we relentlessly mock everyone who engages in this loathsome practice until they finally break down and start speaking in good old declarative sentences instead of acting like they have their very own internal Charlie Rose? Absolutely.
Posted by teb at 09:53 AM | Email this entry
June 21, 2005
My attempt to summarize an article about jellyfish in today’s New York Times that I skimmed to the jump
Basically, what it was saying is that jellyfish are like people. Or not “like” people but more like people than previously thought because of ... a number of factors. They don’t have a mesoderm --- I think that’s the word -- that people and animals have but even so they’re, you know, kind of smart. Considering that they’re jellyfish. Although I don’t think they have brains, per se, but they have other stuff -- what do you call it? -- genetic material that’s awfully sophisticated. Relatively speaking. I mean, they’re jellyfish so it’s not like they can hop out of the water and join you for drinks and appetizers. As far as I know. But perhaps they could, eventually, if they tried really hard. That was pretty much the gist, more or less, from what I could tell.
Posted by teb at 12:59 PM | Email this entry
June 19, 2005
Suggestions for artists
-- Paint a picture of fire. Burn it. Then use the ashes to spell the word "Regret."
-- Convince everyone you know that you've won the lottery. A week later, admit that it was a lie and apologize profusely. Then win the lottery for real but don't tell anyone.
-- Ask a stranger for his autograph. If he says yes, hand him a pen and a sheet of paper. After he's signed the paper, tear it up and walk away.
-- Shave off all your body hair and seal it in a Ziploc bag. Title the piece "Hair in Ziploc Bag."
-- Reenact the Kennedy assassination using dressed-up cats.
-- Slather your naked body in peanut butter and climb to the top of a radio tower with a megaphone. Shout "there's nothing to see here" over and over for several hours or until you get tired. Climb down and take a shower.
Posted by teb at 11:39 PM | Email this entry
What the bald, twitchy man who looked to be about 50 and was wearing a sleeveless white T-shirt and baggy shorts said to me as I sat on the steps of the First Presbyterian Church in Waco, Texas, at 10:25 this morning waiting for the service to begin
"The cloth ripped from top to bottom and that they should know as quickly as a mistake."
Posted by teb at 01:11 PM | Email this entry
June 17, 2005
International News: 信一郎】金
From カ国協議に復:
【ソウル堀信一郎】金正日（キムジョンイル）総書記が１７日、平壌で鄭東泳（チョンドンヨン）韓国統一相と初めて会談し、７月にも６カ国協議に復帰するという意思を明確にした。これは、６カ国協議が１年以上中断すれば
I have heretofore refrained from offering my personal take on this particular topic. However, I feel that the time has now come -- and, indeed, is perhaps long overdue -- for me to make my stance known. So here it is: I agree. Mostly. Or if not "mostly" then at least in part. That said, I sympathize with those who do not agree. They have a point, although it may or may not be valid depending upon one’s assessment of the situation, such as it is. But I think I can safely say that we all agree there is a problem even if we all wouldn’t necessarily use that specific word. You know what I mean. Unless you don’t, which is fine. I can respect that because I, too, have my doubts.
Posted by teb at 09:22 AM | Email this entry
June 16, 2005
Gossip columnist Ted Casablanca writes a note of condolence
Dear Grievin' Pal o' Mine,
Yours truly was shocked shocked SHOCKED at the scuttlebutt regarding the oh-so untimely passing-like-a-lame-sequel of your mucho beloved 'n' wunnerful wunnerful mommy dearest. Tis mega-tragic, sez moi. Time to bust out the ebony ensemble for the sure-to-be-tear-filled soiree! 'Course keep ya head up and ya fly buttoned cuz there's a klieg light at the end of that crummy old tunnel, natch.
Love ya like dat!
Tedster
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
June 15, 2005
THE BACKS OF STRANGERS' HEADS: Best of
Posted by teb at 09:32 AM | Email this entry
June 13, 2005
Ordinary things that become extremely disturbing when you see them on a hotel TV late at night when you can't sleep
-- John Travolta pretending to be Bill Clinton
-- An ad for life insurance in which an elderly woman points out that life isn't like a parking meter. "You can't just keep putting quarters in for more time!" she says brightly.
-- An episode of "Roseanne" that centers around the sexual proclivities of the super-sized couple.
-- An ad in which a man pretends to comfort his girlfriend about the death of her cat in order to steal a few sips of her iced mocha beverage.
-- Kelly Ripa.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry
June 12, 2005
Major tweaks
From the New York Times:
Philip A. Cooney, the chief of staff to President Bush’s Council on Environmental Quality, resigned yesterday, White House officials said.Mr. Cooney’s resignation came two days after documents revealed that he had repeatedly edited government climate reports in ways that cast doubt on the link between building greenhouse-gas emissions and rising temperatures …. [a spokeswoman] said the decision was unrelated to revelations about the documents.
I find the idea that Mr. Cooney’s resignation was unrelated to his so-called editing of climate reports completely ridiculous entirely plausible. I’m sure he just wants to spend more time with his family. Who doesn’t? And it’s outrageous understandable that a lawyer rather than a scientist would be chief of staff to President Bush’s Council on Environmental Quality. It all makes you want to beat your head against a wall until you pass out perfect sense.
Posted by teb at 11:17 AM | Email this entry
June 11, 2005
Dog Days
We spent the day touring kennels. We'll be leaving town for a week and Fiddler, smart as she may be, hasn't yet learned to let herself out or open packets of wet food. Consequently, we have to rely on kind strangers who -- in exchange for a small fortune -- will do these things for her.
One of the kennels was a little sketchy. It seemed to be run by teenage girls, one of whom told us an interesting anecdote about how she was, like, walking three dogs at once with her friend Crystal and the dogs started going totally nuts and the leashes got all tangled and it was, like, the biggest mess EVER. As you might expect, Crystal was like "Oh my god!" Fortunately, no one was killed.
At the other end of the spectrum was a kennel that will do everything short of giving your dog a full-body massage. Wait, strike that -- the brochure says daily massages are available for $35. Acupuncture is $85 for the initial consultation and $60 per session thereafter. There are three levels: standard, deluxe, and luxury. If you choose luxury, your dog gets its own “themed suite.” We were shown the Captain's Quarters, which features nautical decorations. It also has a doggie hammock, a patio, and a television.
We didn’t get to look inside the Patriot Suite, which I assume was occupied by some jingoistic bull terrier.
Posted by teb at 08:07 PM | Email this entry
June 10, 2005
Infrequently Asked Questions
Is your shower curtain cloth or vinyl?
Cloth. I prefer cloth shower curtains.
Was your first-grade homeroom teacher British?
Yes. Her name was Mrs. Lancaster. She was very nice.
Do you keep your black and white socks in different drawers?
I do. White socks go in the bottom drawer with shorts and t-shirts; black socks go in the middle drawer with boxers and briefs.
Who played right field for the 1986 Houston Astros?
Kevin Bass.
Is that place on your wrist where one of the cats scratched you mostly healed now?
Yes. Thank you for asking.
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
June 09, 2005
Other threats Mike Tyson might have considered
From the Associated Press:
The former heavyweight champ sounded more like the "Iron Mike" of old than the new, charming Mike Tyson at a news conference promoting Saturday's fight against Kevin McBride at the MCI Center.As McBride stood at the podium insisting he's a "contender, not a pretender," Tyson interrupted him, saying "I'm going to gut you like a fish."
"I'm going to mince you like an onion."
"I'm going to braise you like a pot roast."
"I'm going to marinate you like a Cornish game hen."
"I'm going to season you lightly like asparagus risotto."
"I'm going to hit you with my fists as hard as I can until either you fall down and fail to get up for ten seconds or until the allotted time for our bout has expired. Whichever comes first."
Posted by teb at 09:48 AM | Email this entry
June 08, 2005
The Family Circus parents respond to the precious utterances of their offspring
-- Damn it, I just had that carpet cleaned!
You kids are driving me to an early grave.
-- Okay, whatever. Now go to bed.
-- That's because they're not real. Duh. Shouldn't you know stuff like that at your age?
-- Your logic doesn't wash. Plus there's no way that limb can support your weight.
-- Mommy is tired and drunk. Leave her alone.
Posted by teb at 09:38 AM | Email this entry
June 07, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: William Henry Harrison
"All Shook Down" (The Replacements): A song about failure. As someone who was President of the United States for only a month and accomplished exactly nothing during that short time, I can relate. "They shook my hand as I drowned" is a terrific line.
"Your Mind and We Belong Together (Tracking Session Highlights)" (Love): Possibly the funniest song ever recorded. Features priceless studio chatter like “You’re the one who says you can really blow in the studio, no one to bug you. So blow, man.”
"Brand New Cadillac" (The Clash): Why isn’t Cadillac using this in their commercials?
"Sprout and Bean" (Joanna Newsom): Play that harp, Joanna. Oh yeah. Make me cry.
"Unseen Power of the Picket Fence" (Pavement): Is it necessary to re-issue Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain with 37 extra songs? No. Are most of them good? Of course not. But some of them are and this tribute to R.E.M. may be the best of the lot.
"El Scorcho" (Weezer): It’s like Celine Dion for dorks.
Posted by teb at 09:51 AM | Email this entry
June 06, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Oil of Olay
Dear Oil of Olay,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your products. As a fair-skinned person, I make certain to use Oil of Olay Complete All Day Moisture Lotion (SPF-15) each morning to protect my face from the sun's ravages. It's an important part of my morning routine.
That said, I've noticed that your advertisements feature women using the products, but never men. I feel that there should be more gender-balance in your marketing. If you are unable to find a man willing to be in your commercials, I would be glad to do so free-of-charge. I should point out that while I am not "handsome" in the strict sense, I consider myself presentable.
Thanks again for all your great work.
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Glad to hear you like our Olay Complete All Day Moisture Lotion, Tom.
Excellent question! We know there are plenty of smart men who have discovered the benefits they get from using Olay in their cleansing and skin care regimes. We focus our ads on women since they're the majority of Olay consumers, but more men are becoming aware of their skin care needs.
Our skin care products are designed for all skin types. Although the versions with fragrances are designed with women in mind, they're great for men to use as well.
Thanks for stopping by.
Karen
Olay Team
P.S. Discover the secret to brilliant, longer-lasting color with Pantene Pro-V Expressions! Formulated for Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads, this collection of products is specially designed to enhance your color, not add to it. Look for Pro-V Expressions Shampoos, Conditioners and Styling Products the next time you shop!
Posted by teb at 08:52 AM | Email this entry
June 05, 2005
This is how I roll
Many people buy expensive items -- such as designer clothes or luxury automobiles -- in order to appear successful. Not me: I’m not interested in being judged by what I wear or what kind of car I drive. It’s just not my style.
Instead, I like to fan myself with money, preferably twenties. "Sure is hot in here," I’ll say. Then I’ll pull out five or six crisp twenty-dollar bills and wave them in the direction of my face. Most people keep their money hidden away in a wallet or purse where no one can appreciate it. That’s stupid. I bring it out for all to see.
The effect is two-fold:
1. It allows everyone to know that I have money.
2. It helps keep me cool during the warm summer months.
Sometimes people will ask, "Why are you fanning yourself with twenty-dollar bills?" I always respond, "What do you expect me to use? Nickels?" That shuts them up.
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | Email this entry
June 04, 2005
The gift that keeps on posting
Perhaps you’ve wanted to share the joy of Minor Tweaks with others but weren’t sure how. Now it’s easy: Simply cut-and-paste the note below into an e-mail and send to all of your friends, co-workers, relatives, acquaintances, and others.
Hi [NAME OF FRIEND],
What’s going on? I just wanted to let you know about this blog called Minor Tweaks (www.minortweaks.com). It’s pretty good. Okay, it’s actually kind of hit-or-miss but the guy is doing the best he can so give him a frigging break. Whatever. You should check it out.
I hope you and the people close to you are doing well. As for me, I am fine and the people I am close to are also fine. Of course, you may have known that because some of the people I am close to are probably close to you as well so there’s really no need for me to give you an update on how those people are doing because you already know.
Hey, remember that event we attended together a while back? That was so much fun. Except for that one thing that happened that wasn’t fun at all. Then again, like a mutual friend of ours likes to say, you have to take the good with the bad. How true! We should attend another event together at some point depending on the circumstances.
Anyway. You should definitely visit Minor Tweaks. It made me think of you. Give the people you know who also know me my best.
later,
[YOUR NAME]
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
June 03, 2005
OFF LEASH: On the subject of rain
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Sometimes water falls from the sky. I know because I’ve witnessed this on multiple occasions. I have nothing against rain as such; in fact, I rather enjoy getting wet. It is what often accompanies rain that concerns me. I’m speaking, of course, about thunder.
It is loud. And, truth be told, it frightens me. In the event of a thunderstorm, my modus operandi is to stand in the corner and quake, tail tucked safely between legs, until it passes. During this period I do not eat or respond to commands. Because as far as I know, something noisy and large is preparing to devour me. I know the rest of you believe this is unlikely. Perhaps you even find the idea ridiculous. But I doubt you’ll be quite so smug when the thunder comes for you.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
June 02, 2005
The white blossom of defeat
While surreptitiously photographing the neighbor’s garden this morning, it occurred to me that they might be upset if they knew I was taking pictures of their flowers. But then I figured that they would probably be flattered, along with being slightly -- and understandably -- creeped out. Because, honestly, I’m impressed with what they’ve done with the yard. Even though it’s still early June, I think it’s fair to say that we’ve been out-gardened by the neighbors. They have beaten us.
At the same time, how do you compete with people like this? Nearly every morning they are out with a hose or a spade, planting and weeding, fertilizing and pruning. It’s like they’re addicted to it. And as you can see from the picture, their hard work is starting to pay off. The lawn is lush. The flowers are beginning to bloom. The wooden border they’ve put in looks great. Meanwhile, if you pass by our yard, you will notice some wilted flowers near the walkway and … that’s about it. I did manage to scatter some grass seed around but mostly it’s a sad mess. My only hope now is to be selected for some reality show in which a crew of sassy garden experts swoop in and redo the entire yard in 24 hours while we look on in slack-jawed amazement. Assuming there is a show like that. If there isn’t, I’m sure there will be soon.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
June 01, 2005
Now it can be revealed
I knew all along that Deep Throat was Mark Felt. I decided, though, that it wouldn’t be right for me to reveal his identity. I mean, who am I to spoil the mystery? I chose to keep this knowledge from my friends and family as I felt (ha) that it would be an unnecessary burden. Also, I don’t trust any of them.
The natural question is: How did I find out? Did I spend countless hours sifting through the evidence, carefully weighing each detail? Did I watch "All the President’s Men" over and over, freeze-framing during the parking-garage scenes in hopes that I might catch a glimpse of his face? Did I liquor-up Bob Woodward in a hotel bar, invite him back to my room, take his clothes and then promise to give them back only if he told me? Well, obviously I’m not going to get into details at this point. Besides, now that Deep Throat’s identity is known, how I arrived at the correct answer isn’t important. Let me just say that for an old guy Woodward is pretty buff.
Posted by teb at 09:45 AM | Email this entry