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July 31, 2005
A SUNDAY CARTOON: A peek into the future of U.S. diplomacy if John Bolton is indeed appointed U.N. ambassador
Posted by teb at 09:38 PM | Email this entry
July 30, 2005
NOT THAT YOU ASKED: Minor Tweaks suggests ...
... reading a new short story by George Saunders. And then buying his book Civilwarland in Bad Decline. And then writing him a long, over-the-top, slightly creepy fan letter.
... purchasing a revolutionary device that allows you to CRUSH ALUMINUM CANS WITH YOUR FOOT. It’s only $4.99! (thanks to Minor Tweak S.S.)
... listening to Ann Coulter expound on Canadian history. (Click on "Watch the McKeown/Coulter exchange")
... having a giggle at the expense of excitable rock critics.
... making a tomato sandwich. Just white bread and mayo. Maybe a little lettuce, if you feel like it.
Posted by teb at 11:37 AM | Email this entry
July 29, 2005
OFF LEASH: On the subject of accidents
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
The dictionary reminds us that an accident is a "sudden event that occurs without intent or volition." Another authoritative source (Elvis Costello) tells us that "accidents will happen." And yet there is a tendency in certain quarters to scold -- or, in some cases, punish -- those responsible for accidents. Even the word "responsible" is misleading: How can one be responsible for something if one did not intend it to happen? By definition, no one is truly at fault when an accident occurs. Therefore the assignation of blame or the imposition of penalties is unjustified and, in the end, counterproductive. Instead we should simply acknowledge that an accident has occurred and start cleaning up the mess. Metaphorically, I mean.
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
July 28, 2005
Hey everybody, it's time for mildly amusing gesticulation!
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
July 27, 2005
Upside Inside Out
From the Associated Press:
On his first visit to the Middle East, Ricky Martin declared he will try to change negative perceptions of Arab youth in the West."I promise I will become a spokesperson, if you allow me to, a spokesperson on your behalf. I will defend you and try to get rid of any stereotypes," the 33-year-old singer told youngsters from 16 mainly Arab countries at a youth conference on Monday.
In return, Arab youth promised to help Ricky Martin overcome the perception that his song "Livin' La Vida Loca" was his only hit. "People forget about 'She Bangs' – that song did pretty well," Arab youth said. "Now, granted, it wasn’t as good as 'Livin' La Vida Loca' but it got on the radio. And then he had that other song -- 'Shake Your Bon-Bon' I think it was called. That one wasn’t so good. We’ll give you that. But still."
Martin also warned Arab youth about the dangers of women who take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain. "You’ll never be the same," he told them. "Cause they’ll make you go insane."
He added, "Come on!"
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
July 26, 2005
LBJMDB/RR: Recent donations
The Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom/Reading Room has recently received two important donations that immeasurably enhance the collection and will be enjoyed by bathroom-goers for years to come
The first is a decorative plate, courtesy of the Susann Foundation, featuring a portrait of a dour-looking Lyndon surrounded by other equally dour-looking white men, with and without mustaches. We would like to express our gratitude to the Susann Foundation for its continued support of the LBJMDB/RR and especially to its director, Susann, for being such a nice and thoughtful person.
We would also like to thank the Institute of Katherine and William for its recent gift of postcards, brochures and a magnet obtained from the LBJ Ranch in Johnson City, Texas. We here at the LBJMDB/RR are particularly fond of the shot showing LBJ and Lady Bird reclining languidly amongst the wildflowers. Also, the magnet is pretty cool.
Posted by teb at 09:52 AM | Email this entry
July 25, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: The future of food production
Dear Planters,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your nuts. Whether salted or un, they make for a fun and satisfying snack.
I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about the history of Mr. Peanut. He certainly is a dapper character and a delight to all!
Thanks again and keep up the excellent work.
best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.
I'm glad to hear your nice comments about our products and company and will share them with our staff. We're proud of our reputation for excellence and work hard to maintain it. We're continually exploring new food developments and are very optimistic about the future of food production. Our pledge is to continue to successfully build on our past achievements far into the future.
It was great hearing from you, and remember we're always updating our site so visit us again soon!
Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations
Posted by teb at 09:21 PM | Email this entry
July 24, 2005
A SUNDAY CARTOON: When a massive storm knocks out power for nearly 24 hours, one is given the opportunity to reflect on a day free from the trappings of modern life such as air-conditioning, artificial light and the Internet
Posted by teb at 10:38 AM | Email this entry
July 22, 2005
Virtual, 360-degree hiking!
Posted by teb at 10:21 AM | Email this entry
July 21, 2005
Brad and Franz
From Salon's personals "Catch of the Day":
More about what I am looking for: "Brad Pitt meets Kafka."
Brad: Hey.
Franz: Hello.
Brad: How are things?
Franz: Pretty good, pretty good.
Brad: What have you been up to?
Franz: Oh, you know, the usual. Actually I got a ticket the other day and now I’m caught up in this crazy bureaucratic mess trying to get it resolved. It’s frustrating.
Brad: That’s rough.
Franz: What about you?
Brad: Well, I’m secretly dating a very attractive actress.
Franz: Good for you!
Brad: Yeah, but it’s got its downside, too. Paparazzi follow us everywhere. You can never get away from them. It kind of makes you paranoid after a while. Do you know what I’m saying?
Franz: I think I do. Sometimes I worry about turning into a bug.
Brad: Huh. Well, anyway, I should be going. But I’m glad we did this.
Franz: Me too, Brad.
Posted by teb at 10:44 PM | Email this entry
July 20, 2005
Your Cause
I've been considering possible slogans for my custom silicone wristband. An early favorite was "I belive in ... stuff." I also like "Silicone Wristband." And then there's Kellie's suggestion, which is my favorite of these three: "I Have A Wristband Too!"
But now I'm wondering if the best slogan might be the one in the illustration above. I believe in your cause, no matter what it happens to be. I'm for it. Or against it. Or, you know, whatever you want.
Posted by teb at 09:09 AM | Email this entry
July 19, 2005
LBJMDB/RR: The poster in the window
On my walk home from work yesterday, I saw an LBJ campaign poster in the window of Second Story Books, a used bookstore near Dupont Circle. It features a large black-and-white photo of a grinning LBJ above the words "A Great Leader ... A Great Democrat." Naturally, I went inside to inquire about it.
With the help of a store employee, I removed the poster from the window and examined it. It appeared to be in very good condition.
"How much is it?" I asked.
The employee squinted at the barely legible markings on the tag.
"It’s two hundred," he said.
I expected it to be $25 or $50 at the most. Two-hundred was way too much (for me, anyway. Maybe it's a bargain for an original campaign poster). But I continued looking at the poster as if I still might purchase it. Why did I do this? Why not just be honest and say "Gosh, two-hundred? I can’t afford that!" No, I had to stand there carefully examining the poster as if my highly trained eye was searching for tiny defects.
"Hmm," I said finally. "I’ll come back."
"Right," the guy said.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
July 18, 2005
People on the metro: What I think they're thinking
-- Balding sixtyish man with the fluffy gray ponytail. “Hmm. Maybe it’s time to reconsider this ponytail.”
-- The teenage boy in the red, white and black Nikes: “Karl Rove is toast. Or maybe not. How can he possibly survive this? Then again, who knows with these guys.”
-- Twenty-something woman with big hoop earrings: “If someone asks how my weekend was I’m just going to tell the truth.”
-- Fortyish man with glasses and loafers: “First Jay-Z and now Eminem? Who’s left? Will Smith?”
-- Woman with sparkly Mickey Mouse handbag: “I mean, we’re talking about exposing a CIA agent to settle a political score. Doesn’t that tarnish your reputation just a little bit?”
-- Goateed guy with cell phone clipped to his belt: “Maybe I should grow a ponytail like that old dude.”
Posted by teb at 12:38 PM | Email this entry
July 17, 2005
An (aborted) Sunday cartoon
Let’s say you’re messing around with the paint program on your computer. And let’s say that you place Scott McClellan’s head on a stick-figure body. Now let’s further suppose you did so with the intention of making fun of Scott McClellan. But then, as you’re looking at what you’ve made, you think to yourself "Is this who I’ve become? The sort of person who spends part of a Sunday afternoon trying to mock the White House spokesman?" At that point, however, you’ve gone too far. There’s no turning back. Then you start copying the image until you’ve created a little army of Scott McClellans. It doesn't make sense but you post it anyway because, hell, it's not like anybody's paying you to do this.
Posted by teb at 08:54 PM | Email this entry
July 16, 2005
What I learned from the orange flier stuck in my door
-- You can Capitalize pretty much Any Word you Want to regardless of where It Might Fall in a Sentence.
-- Multiple exclamation points are fine. But multiple exclamation points plus repetition is even better. Here's proof: “CONDOS !! CONDOS !!”
-- Everything Larry Perrin touches "Turns to SOLD !!"
-- If you’re wondering whether Larry Perrin sells condos in all shapes and sizes the answer is an emphatic: "YES."
-- Some basements have "party rooms."
-- John Kurz has recently joined the Larry Perrin team. Welcome, John.
-- "Summer has arrived!"
-- If you're not sure whether to underline a phrase, put it in italics, or type it in all-caps, why not follow Larry Perrin’s example and DO ALL THREE !!
Posted by teb at 12:20 AM | Email this entry
July 15, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part five
Me: I was reminded recently that we haven’t talked in a while.
Anna: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
Me: We’re not off to a good start, are we?
Anna: Which IKEA store do you want the opening hours for?
Me: All of them.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: I was only kidding. What’s wrong? You seem a little uptight ...
Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
Me: Okay, I’m going to break it down for you ...
Anna: If you want affordable solutions for better living, you are at the right place.
Me: Here’s the thing: Have you been "chatting" with someone else?
Anna: I was changed so I could be more convenient! Now you can have full view of the web and I can still be on your screen to provide assistance. Thanks for noticing the change!
Me: That’s not the change I’m talking about. There was a reporter in Minnesota who published a "humorous" dialogue with you in a newspaper a month or so ago. Does that ring any bells?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Just level with me. Did you enjoy it?
Anna: Sorry, but that's an object that I don't really know enough about to be able to comment on. Let's talk about something else...
Me: Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Anna: I have expertise and knowledge of all IKEA products, IKEA support and sales information, the location and contact details of IKEA stores throughout the USA, frequently asked IKEA related questions and IKEA corporate information.
Me: I thought we had something special, you and me.
Anna: Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: What?
Anna: I said ...
Me: You’re freaking me out. Do you feel okay?
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore, your comments improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: You’re so nice. How could I have ever been mad at you?
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: Including you.
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: That was a compliment.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: Not right now. I have to go ...
Anna: Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: Same to you, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 09:35 AM | Email this entry
July 14, 2005
An open letter to Sean "Puffy" Combs
From E! Online:
Meanwhile, Diddy encountered his own difficulties with his proposed memoir along the way. In 2001, he sued Gilmore for allegedly accepting a $325,000 paycheck and subsequently exiting the project.
Dear Diddy,
I read about the problems you've been having with the ghostwriter of your autobiography. That is indeed a shame. However, good things can come from bad (even for a "Bad Boy" such as yourself!) which is why I'd like to offer my editorial services. Here is a sampling of what I could bring to the project:
-- The ability to deal sensitively with emotional subjects, such as the gangland-style slayings of fellow rappers.
-- A willingness to gloss over embarrassing topics, for instance being dumped by a prominent singer/actress.
-- The subtlety to describe your rise from intern to producer to rapper to mogul without it sounding like you're full of yourself. Unless that's what you want, which would be easy enough to do.
As far as payment goes, I have to admit that your first ghostwriter may have been "playing you," in hip-hop parlance (see, I know the lingo). Frankly, $325,000 seems awfully steep. Half that would be fine.
Anyway, let me know.
Tom
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
July 13, 2005
A service to Minor Tweaks readers
Here at Minor Tweaks, we live to serve. That’s why whenever I notice that someone has happened upon the site by mistake while searching for some random nugget of information, I want to reach out to that person. I want to aid them in their quest.
With that in mind, I’d like to direct the person searching for “maria sharapova barefoot” to this page that includes a number of academic articles on the benefits of walking sans footwear. While perhaps not exactly what you were looking for, I think you might find yourself interested nonetheless.
Whoever was searching for “soapstone lincoln bust,” I’m afraid I couldn’t find such a thing online. However I was able to find both a picture of Lincoln and a picture of soapstone (see above). You’ll just have to use your imagination.
And a final note to the person searching for the phrase “summarize the article”: I’m going to need you to be more specific. As you know, there are a lot of articles out there. I’m glad to help but I just need a bit more information from you. Thanks.
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry
July 12, 2005
INSTATWEAK: My morning so far
I HAD GRANOLA and yogurt for breakfast.
UPDATE: Also, tea.
posted at 7:13 a.m. by Tom Bartlett
THE DOG has now been fed.
posted at 7:28 a.m. by Tom Bartlett
A PICTURE of what Kellie would look like if she were a South Park character.
posted at 7:49 a.m. by Tom Bartlett
FROM HERMAN MELVILLE:
Consider the subtleness of the sea; how its most dreaded creatures glide under water, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure. Consider also the devilish brilliance and beauty of many of its most remorseless tribes, as the dainty embellished shape of many species of sharks. Consider once more, the universal cannibalism of the sea; all whose creatures prey upon each other, carrying on eternal war since the world began.
posted at 8:15 a.m. by Tom Bartlett
HAVING TROUBLE finding one of my notebooks.
UPDATE: Found it.
ANOTHER UPDATE: No, that’s the wrong one.
posted at 8:41 a.m. by Tom Bartlett
Posted by teb at 08:53 AM | Email this entry
July 11, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Ludwig Wittgenstein
"Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)" (Arcade Fire): "You can't raise a baby on motor oil." What? It's like he's singing in his own private language.
"Give Me Novacaine/St. Jimmy" (Green Day): I don't know what Billie Joe's talking about but at least it rocks.
"(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea" (Elvis Costello): Neither do I.
"Jesus the Mexican Boy" (Iron & Wine): Nothing Sam Beam has released since this song comes close to topping it.
"Mary Won't You Call My Name?" (Morphine): "There's no mountain, there's no clue, where to go or what to do." Agreed.
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
July 10, 2005
A Sunday Cartoon: Bush and Blair discuss global warming at the G8 summit
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
July 09, 2005
Suggestions for possible reality shows
Have 50 women compete over the same man. During the course of the season, he winnows down the number of contestants to the three he finds most compatible. Then he disappears mysteriously, never to be seen again.
Throw together several B-list celebrities and hope that one of them gets pregnant. Wait 25 or 30 years. Then find the kid (now an adult) and play the tape that shows his or her parents “getting it on” in the hot tub. Make sure to film the kid’s reaction.
Put 10 people from different walks of life on a tropical island. Divide them into two teams and make them complete a series of mental and physical challenges. The winning team should be given a prize, such as the use of an air-conditioned hut or extra rations. The losing team must “vote off” their weakest members and eat them.
Posted by teb at 10:29 AM | Email this entry
July 08, 2005
Brit Hume responds to other horrible tragedies
From Fox News via Media Matters re the terrorist attacks in London:
BRIT HUME: I mean, my first thought when I heard -- just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, "Hmmm, time to buy."
9/11: “Hmmm, where are my keys?”
Columbine killings: “Hmmm, I sure could use a ham sandwich right about now.”
Tiananmen Square massacre: “Hmmm, looks like rain.”
JFK’s assassination: “Hmmm, I prefer cotton boxers.”
Posted by teb at 09:35 PM | Email this entry
July 07, 2005
Sandra Day O'Connor's resignation letter: The first draft
Dear President Bush,
This is to inform you of my decision to retire from my position as an associate justice of the Supreme Court of the United States effective upon the nomination and confirmation of my successor cuz I am so done with this crap. If Antonin tells me once more how he’s the only one who really “gets” the Constitution, I’m going to grab that gavel and mete out my own brand of high-court justice.
And as for the Honorable Mr. Souter, here’s a tip: No one wants to see your bird pictures again. They were boring the first time.
Sincerely,
Sandra Day O'Connor
Posted by teb at 10:31 AM | Email this entry
July 05, 2005
Tom Bartlett: The King
As a Tom Bartlett, I enjoy hearing about other Tom Bartletts. One of us, for instance, is a bird bander. Another is a real estate agent who earned the title Associate of the Year. Still another was one of the most successful businessmen in Edwardsport, Indiana.
All of this makes me proud. But never have I been prouder than when I discovered Tom Bartlett, Las Vegas Elvis impersonator. From his website:
Tom is the whole package and has been told by Elvis' personal friends and family that his likeness to the King is striking, from his genuinely sweet disposition to his brilliant smile. And because of Tom Bartlett audiences can once again experience the energy and magic of the early 70s Las Vegas performances.
What’s even better is that Tom Bartlett/Elvis has created his own line of personalized merchandise, including a Tom Bartlett mousepad, a Tom Bartlett teddy bear, and a Tom Bartlett Viva Las Vegas Wall Clock.
Of course Kellie and I are going to have a baby as soon as possible so we can order the Tom Bartlett "infant creeper" and bib.**
**note to parents: kidding.
Posted by teb at 09:10 PM | Email this entry
Some talking points for Bush's aides
From the Los Angeles Times:
In the days leading up to the summit, aides to Bush have sought to dispel his image as an international cowboy.
-- A cowboy doesn't brag about "clearing brush."
-- A cowboy doesn't join the cheerleading squad in college.
-- A cowboy doesn't list Van Morrison as his favorite recording artist.
-- A cowboy can ride a horse.
-- A cowboy doesn't use the word "dissemble." Or if he does, he first figures out how it's pronounced and what it means.
Posted by teb at 11:29 AM | Email this entry
July 04, 2005
A few rejected firecracker names
The Eyebrow Eliminator
Large Drunken Mistake
Paramedic's Delight
Super Finger Blaster
Glittering Idiot
Posted by teb at 11:34 AM | Email this entry
July 03, 2005
Infrequently Asked Questions
Is your lawnmower broken?
Yes, it is. But I’m having a hard time accepting that I need to buy a new one.
How do you feel about corn on the cob?
Not a fan.
When you’re making tea, do you heat up water in the microwave or do you use a kettle?
A kettle.
What are three blogs you enjoy regularly?
Cogito, ergo Zoom
emdashes
The Comics Curmudgeon
Do you find "Hints from Heloise" consistently and inexplicably hilarious?
Yes.
Does your wife know that you use her Pantene Pro V conditioner when you wash your hair?
I don’t think so. But she will now.
Posted by teb at 10:15 AM | Email this entry
July 02, 2005
OFF LEASH: On the importance of kindness
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Recently I was sniffing one of the three cats that live with me when, out of nowhere, the cat spun around and took a swat at my face. Why the sudden hostility? We live in a troubling enough world (terrorism, war, thunder) without being gratuitously nasty to each other. That’s why I propose that we all make an extra effort to be kind to those who are close to us. Hug your children. Call your grandma. Give your dog one of those delicious extra-meaty milkbone treats that come in the red box. Trust me -- it'll make you feel better.
Posted by teb at 11:27 AM | Email this entry
July 01, 2005
What Tony Blair and Bob Geldof were saying to each other while pretending to smile
Tony: Why is your head on my shoulder?
Bob: Just go with it, man. It’s rock ‘n’ roll.
Tony: No it’s not. This is a press conference. By the way, who are you?
Bob: Bob Geldof.
Tony: Right.
[awkward silence]
Bob: You don’t know who I am, do you?
Tony: Of course I do. You do these charity things. And you used to be in A Flock of Seagulls.
Bob: The Boomtown Rats.
Tony: Whatever. Is this going to be over soon?
Bob: Look at you, always rushing into something. Just can’t wait, can you?
Tony: What are you implying?
Bob: Nothing at all. If you want to leave, that’s fine. I’ll just send you a memo later.
Tony: Get your head off my shoulder!
Bob: Oh, am I invading your space without a legitimate justification?
Tony: That’s a cheap shot.
Bob: I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Tony: This is supposed to be about saving the environment, not arguing with each other.
Bob: I think we’re actually saving poor people with this one.
Tony: Poor people, the environment, whatever. As long as it rocks!
Bob: Right on, Mr. Prime Minister. Right on.
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry