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August 31, 2005
Suggestions for headline writers
From the Associated Press:
Singer Art Garfunkel, who pleaded guilty last year to pot possession in upstate New York, was charged again Sunday after a marijuana cigarette was allegedly found in the ashtray of his car, state police said.
Troubled Waters For Folk Singer
Leaves That Are Green (And Will Get You High)
Parsely, Sage, Rosemary, Thyme – And Pot?
Jailward Bound
Why Don’t You Write Me (In Jail)
Feelin’ Too Groovy
Posted by teb at 10:31 AM | Email this entry
August 30, 2005
An important note to readers
Someone asked me yesterday if it’s become a burden to write a blog entry every day. Indeed, it has. It would be easier if, like other bloggers, I simply posted my undigested, first-drafty ruminations on whatever happens to be on my mind. But I do not. Each sentence is carefully polished and crafted for maximum effectiveness. The previous sentence, for instance, went through fourteen revisions before I settled on the one you just read. The sentence about the fourteen revisions was rewritten eight times. And so on.
In addition, I do all my own copy-editing, scanning each entry for grammer mistakes and typos. This in itself is tiring, difficult work but ultimately worthwhile as part of the effort to maintain the high quality to which Minor Tweaks readers have become accustomed.
So, to sum up, yes it is a burden. A terrible, terrible burden. And those of you who check the blog regularly are only making it worse. So, please, go do something -- anything -- else. Call an old friend. Bake a pie. Call an old friend and offer him or her some of the pie you just baked. You know, whatever.
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
August 29, 2005
Weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Discover actual spiderwebs inside our ’93 Saturn that hasn’t been driven for months.
Lose cell phone. Find it in your pocket.
Feel rush of nerdy excitement when you see that travel guru Rick Steves has a podcast.
Notice that the grass in the front yard is brown and dead while the weeds are green and healthy. Curse nature.
Become the very last people on earth to finally see the movie "Swingers."
Congratulate Staci and Grant on the beautiful (and surprisingly hairy) addition to their family.
Posted by teb at 09:30 AM | Email this entry
August 28, 2005
A SUNDAY CARTOON
(Prompted by reader inquiries, Minor Tweaks would like to explain the above cartoon. See, California's attorney general wants fast food chains and snack-food makers to put a warning label on some kinds of chips and french fries because they contain acrylamide, a known carcinogen. The guy on the right works at a fast-food chain and the guy on the left is a customer. On second thought, we'd like to apologize for the entire cartoon -- which was put together with the best of intentions -- but in retrospect we realize may have been ill-conceived. Sorry. We'd also like to remind you that you get what you pay for.) ***
*** (Another Minor Tweaks reader (hey, there are at least two!) writes the following: "Oh, pshaw, it was funny. Besides, the fast food warning label thing was all over the news today. I got it.")
Posted by teb at 09:50 AM | Email this entry
August 26, 2005
Passport photo
I don’t like to complain about unpleasant store clerks. Actually, I do, but it always makes me feel guilty: Dealing with the public is no fun and neither is earning poverty-level wages.
So yesterday I called a nearby Kinko’s (or FedEx Express, or whatever they call themselves post-merger) and told the guy who answered the phone that I needed to have my passport photo taken.
"You guys do that, right?"
"We sure do," he said cheerfully. "Come on down."
When I arrived, I was informed that "we don’t have our camera today." Uh, okay. I asked if there was another Kinko's nearby. In fact, there was. When I arrived another expressionless and unapologetic employee told me they were out of film.
"When do you think you’ll have more film?"
He shrugged.
Eventually, I got my passport photo taken -- though not at Kinko’s. The moral of the story is this: Okay, there’s no moral. But still. It was pretty annoying.
Posted by teb at 09:33 AM | Email this entry
August 25, 2005
Several discarded possibilities for today's post
POSSIBILITY: Pat Robertson's non-apology apology for saying we should kill the president of Venezuela.
REASON FOR NOT USING: Pat Robertson is self-satirizing; he does all the work for you.
POSSIBILITY: This customer testimonial from the Baja Fresh Web site:
Jennifer and Luis are in love, not only with each other but with the mouth-watering taste of Baja Fresh®! ... Jennifer notes that she still gets the butterflies, not only from the sight of Luis but from the sight of FRESH Pico de Gallo on the Nachos!
REASON FOR NOT USING: I just don’t know what else to say. I mean, Jennifer seems to really love her pico de gallo. Especially when it’s FRESH, if you know what she's getting at. (I don't.)
POSSIBILITY: Posting discarded possibilities.
REASON FOR NOT USING: Kind of lazy.
Posted by teb at 11:00 AM | Email this entry
August 24, 2005
OFF LEASH: On napping
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Normally I am not in the business of doling out nuggets of folksy, homespun wisdom. As a country we are already awash in motivational posters and inspirational books promoting an Oprah-esque brand of glibness masquerading as sagacity. I’m loathe to add to the spew.
That said, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my five-plus years of sniffing around this big backyard we call earth it is this: Take a nap. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, just flop down on the floor and rest for a few minutes. You’ll feel better. Really. And that thing you were so worked up about -- the strange clanking noise, the squirrel on the power line, the unfamiliar smell near the door -- will recede into meaninglessness.
Posted by teb at 10:17 AM | Email this entry
August 23, 2005
A few lines I've excised from my novel-in-progress
"No more Twizzlers for me," exclaimed the former senator from Nebraska.
Hiking boots, superglue, a bag of nickels -- yup, that was everything.
Caterpillars? No, he thought, that was impossible. Or was it?
"Golly," Frank said suspiciously.
The fabric was itchy; it reminded him of death.
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
August 22, 2005
THE BACKS OF STRANGERS' HEADS: Garden of the Gods edition
Posted by teb at 10:29 AM | Email this entry
August 21, 2005
Sunday Cartoon: Evolution of a stick man
Posted by teb at 11:34 AM | Email this entry
August 19, 2005
Um, yeah, it's not your computer: Round two
I come down the stairs at 7:15 this morning and guess who's on the computer?
There she is, hunched over, plugging away. I decide to try a more friendly tact.
"How's the project coming?" I say brightly.
"Okay," she says in a tone that indicates that the literally five minutes I spent on the computer yesterday morning may have set her project back months.
So I hover. I sit down on the couch next to the computer. I get some coffee. I pet the cat. I gaze admiringly out the window at the mountains. At some point perhaps she will say "Hey, do you need to get on here?" or "Hey, I'll be off in fifteen minutes" or "Hey, I'm kind of a jerk." But no. She says nothing else.
I go down and buy a newspaper and have a bowl of granola and milk at this weird (but really good) cafe run by Christian hippies. When I return a half-hour later ... oh yeah, she' still on it. She doesn't look up. But she knows -- she knows! -- I'm there.
The only reason I'm on right now is that she's eating breakfast. I'm surprised she was able to pull herself away even for sustenance.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
August 18, 2005
Um, yeah, it's not your computer ...
There will be no proper Minor Tweaks entry today because the computer in the bed-and-breakfast where I'm staying is being hogged by a 50ish woman who EVEN NOW IS HOVERING OVER ME. She was on the computer when I returned to the place at around midnight and she was on it WHEN I GOT UP AT 6:30! She keeps muttering something about how she's a perfectionist. I had to beg for the five minutes that allowed me to check my e-mail and write this entry.
"Well, I'm in the middle of something ... oh, okay," she said, letting out a pained sigh.
IT'S NOT YOUR COMPUTER! GIVE THE REST OF US A CHANCE, WILL YA?
She's glaring at me even now. If I don't wrap this up quickly I fear she may come after me. And because she's a perfectionist, she'll probably have to go ahead and kill me.
Posted by teb at 09:06 AM | Email this entry
August 17, 2005
Watch out for the trees. Seriously.
Tom Bartlett was happy. He was so happy, that he wasn't even going to have a drink. He knew that he had been drinking heavily these past few years, but he couldn't help it. His job as caretaker of the orange groves had been a very trying one. Over the last five years it had become a nightmare.
Above is an excerpt from the 1975 short story "Juiced Again" by one Robert J. Hustwit. It’s amazing how many parallels there are between my life and that of the fictional Tom Bartlett. We’re both lushes. Both of us are hated by other people -- and we, in turn, hate them right back. And, most importantly, both of us are haunted by the death of the Lucas boy.
Unlike the fictional Tom Bartlett, however, I don’t expect to meet an untimely end at the hands (branches?) of angry, supernatural orange trees. Please note: For those of you who are unschooled in the subtleties of literary theory, let me point out that the title "Juiced Again" has what we English majors call a "double meaning."
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
August 16, 2005
Suggestions for researchers
-- Track the dietary habits of a group of senior citizens over the course of a year. At the end of the year, call them and say "The study is over now."
-- Select 100 mostly healthy adults. Give each of them a pill. Tell them it’s a magic pill that will cure whatever ails them, eliminate all regrets, and allow them to be perfectly happy and healthy for the rest of their lives. (First, invent magic pill.)
-- Sequester a group of high-level business professionals in a hotel for a week. Divide them into groups 1 and 2. Give the members of Group 1 green baseball caps and the members of Group 2 yellow baseball caps. Tell them they must wear the caps for the entire week, even when they’re sleeping. If they ask why say "Oh, I’m sorry, are you in-charge of this research? Because I thought I was." That’ll teach 'em.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
August 15, 2005
OFF LEASH: Counting one's blessings
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
After glancing back over my previous columns, I realize that I have often used this space to whine about minor annoyances such as garbage men, little dogs, and thunder. Don’t get me wrong -- these things bug me. They really do. However, I do not wish to give the impression that I’m forever kvetching about this or that while overlooking the great joys of life like long evening walks, rolling around in freshly cut grass, or napping on the couch. Of course often I’m forced to sleep on the floor because one or more cats has claimed the couch and will greet my apparently unbearable presence with indignant hissing or outright violence in the form of open-clawed nose-swatting. Hey, it’s a big couch! You can continue to perch snottily at the other end! I don’t care! But oh no, we can’t have that, can we? That’s waaaaaay too much to ask.
Sorry. Kind of lost track of the thesis.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
August 14, 2005
A SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 11:05 AM | Email this entry
August 12, 2005
How to enliven a very dull anecdote by employing creative literary techniques
Use exclamation points:
Recently, I bought a spray nozzle for the hose! But then I lost it! So I bought another one! A couple of days after that I found the first one I bought! Now I have two!
Add adjectives and adverbs:
Recently, I bought a fabulous spray nozzle for the long, slinky hose. But then I totally lost it. A couple of harrowing days later, I suddenly found the first one I bought. Now I have two fabulous spray nozzles.
Lie:
Recently, I bought a spray nozzle for the hose. But then I lost it. So I bought another one. A couple of days after that I found the first one I bought. Now I have two. Also, I won the lottery.
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
August 11, 2005
Reaching out to readers
People come to Minor Tweaks for many reasons, as evidenced by their search phrases, which the hosting service tracks. Some are looking for "cats like cheese comedy" while others are searching for "girls washing their hair jpg." Most of the time, there is not much we can do to help.
However, the person who typed "draft of resignation letter" into Google is in luck:
Dear [boss’s name],
Please consider this letter my official notice of resignation. The last [number] years have had their ups and downs, but I have learned a lot. I will always look back on my time at [company name] fondly. For instance, I remember when [co-worker’s name] and I completed the [name of presentation] just hours before the [name of conference]. That was a close one!
Of course, it hasn’t all been puppies and lollipops. I am still upset about [perceived slight] and frankly there are times when I consider [menacing, possibly criminal action]. But I probably won’t do anything like that.
All the best,
[your name]
P.S. I know about [embarrassing personal information]
Posted by teb at 10:17 AM | Email this entry
August 10, 2005
LBJMDB/RR: The donations keep comin'
In the last few weeks, the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom/Reading Room has experienced a significant uptick in the number of contributions to its rapidly expanding collection of LBJ memorabilia. The most recent gift comes courtesy of the Institute of Dawn Adair, which procured a host of lovely items during a visit to the LBJ library in Austin, Texas. These items include postcards, two magnets, an iron-on patch (!), and a magnificent poster with a drawing of our 36th president’s head alongside the slogan "LBJ for the USA." We cannot sufficiently express our gratitude to the Institute of Dawn Adair, or IDA, so we will simply say "thank you" and leave it at that.
Of particular note is the postcard reproduction of a painting (see above) featuring no fewer than three LBJs. There is happy LBJ, pensive LBJ, and staring-off-into-the-distance LBJ. All of them appear to exist in a sea of swirling pastels. It shall be framed and hung in a prominent place. Probably next to the sink.
Posted by teb at 08:55 AM | Email this entry
August 09, 2005
Ode to an eggwich
You are warm, like the sun
though considerably less hot
Sheathed in paper, sealed with tape
Perhaps you are shy
Don't be
You are inexpensive ($1.95!)
but never cheap
At least, not to me
Egg, bread, cheese
Mayo? I decline
Perfection needs no condiment
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
August 07, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: A reasonable answer from the folks at Paper Mate
Dear Paper Mate:
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your pens. Their sleek, tapered design is ideal for home, school and office use.
I was wondering, however, how your pens came to be the "world's most loved pens" as the package says. I mean, they're nice but I have to wonder if they're really the world's most loved. Love, as we all know, is a strong word and not one to be used casually.
Again, good work on a fine product. Keep it up!
best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Hello Tom,
In the retail marketplace, PAPER MATE sells more round barrel stick pens
than any other manufacturer. Based on that fact, we claim that PAPER MATE is the "World's most loved pens".
Thank you for e-mailing us and for your support of Sanford products.
Sanford Consumer Affairs
000432207A
Posted by teb at 08:05 PM | Email this entry
A bunch of photographs
From the Houston Chronicle:
Sparking international notice, Bush wiped out on his bike and skidded on wet pavement into a Scottish policeman on foot patrol, who ended up in the hospital with minor injuries. Bush said he recently sent the injured officer a bunch of photographs.
Here’s me carrying some logs. This is what we in the United States call "brush."
Remember that time I ran into you with my bike? Ha ha. I mean, sorry.
People love my truck. Sometimes they ask if they can drive. No, I tell them.
This is another one of me clearing brush. There's a lot of it and it has to be cleared.
I don't what this one is.
Awww ...
Posted by teb at 12:10 PM | Email this entry
August 05, 2005
The Ronald Reagan post
This week a congressman from South Texas proposed renaming 16th street "Ronald Reagan Boulevard." Many have strongly opposed the name change, including a number of Republicans. I, however, think it’s a great idea. Sure, we’ve already named the airport after him and a huge federal building. But the way I see it, the more things we name after Ronald Reagan, the better. Which is why from this point forward Minor Tweaks shall be referred to exclusively as "Ronald Reagan International Blog." In addition, Fiddler will henceforth be known as "Ronald Reagan International Dog." Why stop at streets and buildings or, for that matter, proper nouns? Let’s pick a few everyday items -- salt, for instance -- and name those after Ronald Reagan too. Then, if your potato lacks flavor, you could just say "Please pass the Ronald Reagan." Eventually we should get to the point where people can assume that if they’re not sure what something is called, it’s probably called Ronald Reagan. The whole thing makes me proud to be a Ronald Reagan, where at least I know I'm Ronald Reagan.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
August 04, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Louis Pasteur
"Learning to Fly" (Tom Petty): There’s a reason everyone who plays guitar even a little bit knows this song.
"Last Dance with Mary Jane" (Tom Petty): That’s one infectious riff.
"Into The Great Wide Open" (Tom Petty): "He met a girl out there with a tattoo too/The future was wide open."
"Shadow of a Doubt" (Tom Petty): I didn’t much care for this until I heard an acoustic version. Now I can’t get over how good it is.
"Refugee" (Tom Petty): Tom Petty once had a dog ... and that dog’s name ... was Refugee.
"The Waiting" (Tom Petty): He’s right about it being the hardest part.
"I Won't Back Down" (Tom Petty): Simple, genius.
"Free Fallin’" (Tom Petty): Oh, come on. You know you love it.
Posted by teb at 09:23 AM | Email this entry
August 03, 2005
Sweet memories
From the Los Angeles Times:
A team led by psychologist Elizabeth Loftus of the University of California-Irvine found that it could persuade people to avoid fattening foods by implanting unpleasant childhood memories about the food -- even though the event never happened.
-- You’re seven years old. You open the freezer to get yourself a scoop of triple-fudge ice cream. Just then you are mauled by a wolverine.
-- You’re eating a bag of potato chips. And everyone at school is staring at you. And you’re naked. Except for a pink bonnet.
-- You reach into your backpack to get a bag of Skittles. Instead you find a letter from your parents explaining that they’ve never really loved you.
-- At lunch, you buy yourself a cupcake. When you take the first bite you discover that it isn’t a cupcake at all. No, it’s a bomb.
Posted by teb at 09:50 AM | Email this entry
August 02, 2005
Pathetic
From Minor Tweaks:
See, I was listening to a podcast. Pretty cool, huh? And not only that, I was listening to a podcast of an interview with a blogger.
Yes, that’s very interesting. What else did you think about while walking the dog? Oh please tell us. We’re just dying to know.
This entry is typical of the sort of ridiculous navel-gazing we have all come to expect from Minor Tweaks. If he’s not writing from his dog’s point of view then he’s asking himself questions or chatting with robots. Or, even worse, he’s sending inane e-mails to various companies. Unfortunately the Internet allows even those with the most rudimentary computer skills to disseminate their every passing idea, no matter how incipient or ill-conceived. What’s more, it even allows him to pretend to criticize his own postings in a later posting (my, how wonderfully meta of you!) and thereby insulate himself from any real and well-deserved criticism. Yes, you’re so very clever. We’re all impressed. Now go away. *
* In response to concerns expressed by some readers, Minor Tweaks would like to assure all of you -- all three of you (Hi Mom!) -- that we're just kidding. In fact, Minor Tweaks is pretty awesome. **
** Also, pretending to criticize the blog provides a lazy way of linking to previous content. ***
*** Perhaps each post should have a bunch of footnotes. It's kind of fun. We see why David Foster Wallace gets carried away. ****
**** Although, there does come a point when it gets to be annoying. *****
***** We have now arrived at that point.
Posted by teb at 10:32 AM | Email this entry
August 01, 2005
Thank you, technology!
This morning, while walking the dog, I was listening to my iPod. That’s not a strong opening sentence but it gets better. See, I was listening to a podcast. Pretty cool, huh? And not only that, I was listening to a podcast of an interview with a blogger. "Take that mainstream media!" I said, laughing maniacally. Okay I didn’t really laugh -- maniacally or otherwise. And I didn’t actually say anything out loud. I just kept walking the dog while listening to my iPod.
On second thought, maybe it doesn’t get better.
Posted by teb at 09:16 AM | Email this entry