« August 2005 | Main | October 2005 »
September 30, 2005
Dear People of the World:
Congratulations on finally photographing me in my natural habitat! As you note in your numerous articles and television reports, this is remarkable because giant squids like me live several thousand feet below the ocean’s surface where humans like you cannot venture. But thanks to your advanced technology, ingenuity and commendable persistence you now have images of me, the largest invertebrate on Earth, alive and well and doing what I do, which is mostly eating and swimming around. Good job.
I have to hand it to you, using that bag of shrimp to lure me into view was brilliant on your part. I do like me some shrimp. Sure, it made me look a little foolish. Plus there was the whole accidentally-ripping-off-one-of-my-tentacles thing. But, hey, no hard feelings: I’m the kind of enormous flesh-eating sea monster who can take a joke. So don’t worry about me trying to exact any kind of justifiable revenge should I happen upon a member of your bite-sized species wriggling helplessly in my watery domain.
best,
The Giant Squid
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
September 29, 2005
Song list for the musical I’m writing about my dental hygienist
-- Can't Speak (Cuz' Your Hands Are In My Mouth, Girl)
-- Rinsin' N Spittin'
-- When, Oh When, Will This Be Over?
-- Lean Back (A Little Bit Farther)
--- *(@&$# Yeah That Hurts!
-- When, Oh When, Will This Be Over? (Reprise)
Posted by teb at 09:38 AM | Email this entry
September 28, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: Derby with elderberry wine
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
By semi-popular demand, Featured Cheese is back and it's better than ever. Or at least as good as it was. Certainly no worse.
To celebrate its return, we enjoyed some excellent wine-flavored cheese. This is the kind of cheese one imagines being served on silver trays by tuxedoed waiters at a fashionable soiree held at a country estate on Martha's Vineyard attended by wealthy, attractive people with manicured nails who whisper conspiratorially about the Hollywood scandal du jour or laugh uproariously at jokes of dubious quality and afterwards are driven home in their Cadillac Escalades to their own country estates where they slip out of their evening wear and into a sunken jacuzzi. Also good with crackers.
Posted by teb at 09:22 AM | Email this entry
September 27, 2005
Lame suggestions for headline writers
From the Associated Press:
Don Adams, TV's fumbling secret agent on "Get Smart," dies at 82
-- Sorry About That, Don
-- He'll Be Missed .... By That Much!
-- A Cone of Silence for Don Adams
Posted by teb at 03:21 PM | Email this entry
September 26, 2005
Nintencats
From a Wired News story on a new video game in which players interact with virtual dogs:
Adorable doggy antics combined with a simple, intuitive interface and lots of things to do make Nintendogs a potential blockbuster.
The game is a follow-up to the disappointing Nintencats, in which players score points by constantly tending to an unappreciative feline. Throw a tennis ball and watch as the cat continues to regard you with disdain. Attempt to trim the cat’s claws while it flails wildly and howls like a demon. And if you forget to clean its box your virtual buddy will let you know by taking a virtual whiz on the carpet. Game-makers remain mystified at the lackluster sales, though they’re hopeful that the sequel "Nintencats: They Shed on Everything" will enjoy greater success.
Posted by teb at 09:57 AM | Email this entry
September 25, 2005
A SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 07:26 PM | Email this entry
September 23, 2005
OFF LEASH: On kennels
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
I recently returned from a two-week stay at a facility that bills itself as "the very finest in country boarding." The institution is named "Rivermist," which is rather like referring to Sing-Sing as Sunrise Meadows. And what’s more ...
Want to read the rest of this article? Then subscribe to Minor Tweaks Select. Like the New York Times, Minor Tweaks is now making its op-ed columnists available exclusively to readers with $49.95 to burn. That may seem like a rip-off for a column written by a dog, but at least Fiddler won’t harangue you with some tiresome flat-world theory or make you cringe with her too-cutesy prose (I’m looking at you, Maureen).
Posted by teb at 08:22 AM | Email this entry
September 22, 2005
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Oliver Cromwell
"I Just Wanna Be Loved" (AM Radio): Don’t we all.
"You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" (Madeleine Peyroux): The Dylan song slowed down, jazzed up and somehow made even better.
"Wish I" (Jem): A really dumb, pretty great pop song.
"Parting Gift" (Fiona Apple): More like a parting shot.
"The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" (The Postal Service): About regret, nametags, and our nation’s capital. Sort of.
"South Nashville Blues" (Steve Earle): Steer clear of Louis street. The devil lives there.
"She’s Got Spies" (Super Furry Animals): Though, as the singer points out, they’re not the professional kind.
"Linden Arden Stole the Highlights" (Van Morrison): Ireland and I have had our differences over the years, but here’s one thing we can agree on: Van Morrison rules.
Posted by teb at 09:07 AM | Email this entry
September 21, 2005
Our trip in photos
We hiked around the English countryside.
Visited lots of cathedrals.
Saw a few castles.
And drove down the coast of Wales.
Posted by teb at 09:45 AM | Email this entry
September 19, 2005
Lines written from inside the Tintern Abbey gift shop
If this,
be but a keyring: no
'tis also a pen!
And what's this I see?
a mousepad with pastoral scene;
a Celtic sticker for your car
a stuffed dragon, a gold-rimmed plate
From joy to joy I did bound
Oh wanderer! Oh fickle mind!
Yet which will truly satisfy?
Rejoice! For twas then I found
An official Tintern Abbey towel
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
September 16, 2005
Pretend this is a postcard
Dear [your name]:
Greetings from Wales. We’ve been in Hay-on-Wye for the last two days and now we’re headed to … well, we don’t really know. Somewhere. Probably see a castle or two. Ideally I would go into more detail here – perhaps recounting an incident from the trip or an observation on local customs or some such – but because this is a postcard I am up against certain space constraints. It’s not as if I can just go on and on. It’s not like a letter or an e-mail. So, sadly, I must conclude this missive.
best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 05:34 AM | Email this entry
September 14, 2005
Tick tick tick
I'm writing from a youth hostel in Stow-on-Wold, one of the impossibly cute towns that make up the Cotswolds. We're actually staying at a nearby bed-and-breakfast but this is one of two places in town with Internet access (the other is the library, which is rarely open). Unfortunately each user is given only a small amount of time on the computer. At this exact moment, according to the clock in the lower right corner, I have two minutes and twenty-three seconds remaining. Now it's two minutes and nine seconds. Before it hits zero I need to think of something, you know, interesting to say.
1:31
Frankly, though, the ticking clock is kind of unnerving.
1:06
Nothing occurs to me ...
40
Wait! I've got it. This morning the funniest thing happened
Posted by teb at 04:19 AM | Email this entry
September 12, 2005
Minor Index
Number of times I've looked the wrong way when crossing the street: 4
Number of times I've tried to shift with my right hand even though the stick is on the left: 9
Cost of admission to Warwick Castle: £14.95
What that is (approximately) in American dollars: $25
Number of minutes I grumbled about how outrageous this was: 45
Age of the oldest continuously occupied house in England (which we visited and is in Hemingford Grey, northwest of Cambridge): 900 years
Age of the house we live in which I've always considered extremely old: 99 years
What it costs to use the computer for 5 minutes at the "Cyber Junction" in Stratford-on-Avon: £1
Number of minutes I plan to grumble about this: at least 15
Posted by teb at 05:57 AM | Email this entry
September 09, 2005
It's those freelance punt touts again!
From the Cambridge News:
A freelance punt tout who was hospitalised after a fight with an ice cream seller says "mobilers" like him are not causing the tensions in Cambridge city centre.When, oh when, will freelance punt touts and ice cream sellers learn to get along? Personally, I think much of the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the freelance punt touts. These mobilers seem to be looking for trouble. However, I wouldn't let ice cream sellers off the hook either. If we are to ease tensions in the city centre, everyone must work together, including ice cream sellers, freelance punt touts and non-freelance punt touts. If they are unwilling to come to the table, then the freelance punt touts should be forced to punt their touts elsewhere so that the rest of us can enjoy a nice dish of ice cream in peace.
Posted by teb at 03:59 PM | Email this entry
September 08, 2005
A definition
Main entry: England-land
Pronunciation: 'i[ng]-l&nd l&nd
Usage: geographical name/condescending characterization
The sense that you get, while in the southern part of the United Kingdom, that this is not a country so much as a large and very authentic-seeming Disney exhibit. Everything's just too precious: The pedestrian signal encouraging you to "cross with care"; the neo-Gothic architecture and exquisitely manicured lawns; the quaint pubs with names like Earl of Beaconsfield. And the people are so uniformly friendly you wonder if, like Disney employees, those bright smiles and cheery greetings have been beaten into them by their "team leader."
This neologism, I realize, is the product of a particularly American way of looking at the world. For the record, I am aware that other countries do not exist for the sole purpose of providing me with an interesting place to vacation. But still.
Posted by teb at 02:40 PM | Email this entry
September 07, 2005
:-)
A Minor Tweaks reader wrote in to suggest that -- considering our present location -- there should be a post on the breakup of Jude Law and Sienna Miller, a topic that has consumed the British press for weeks. This is an excellent suggestion. Unfortunately, I'm writing from a McDonald's and the computer I'm using has a strange metal keyboard: one does not type on it so much as one MASHES DOWN EACH KEY WITH AS MUCH FORCE AS POSSIBLE IN HOPES THAT A LETTER WILL APPEAR ON THE SCREEN. Sometimes this works, sometimes it dsn't. Consequently, I am unable to address the Law-Miller issue in as much detail as I would like. But let me say this: I hope those kids work it out. It always saddens me when rich, beautiful people experience temporary romantic problems.
By the way, this keyboard, while no good for typing, is the first one I've ever seen with dedicated keys for happy and unhappy faces. This is very convenient for those of us who like to sprinkle emoticons throughout our prose. :-) Though I would have preferred a keyboard that actually worked. :-(
Posted by teb at 11:54 AM | Email this entry
September 06, 2005
Quite
For the next little while, Minor Tweaks will be written from Great Britain, a country known for its strong tea and classy accents. Updates may be less frequent depending on Internet availability; on the upside, there will be more Briticisms. Elevator will become lift. Bathroom will become loo. And American will become obnoxious-tourist-in-a-baseball-cap-complaining-about-the-exchange-rate (otherwise known as me).
In addition, like the British tabloids, I will be tossing in a few topless ladies to increase readership.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
September 05, 2005
The good things
From the Washington Times:
"There are some things that actually worked very well," said Mr. Chertoff, who credited the Coast Guard for rescuing nearly 17,000 flood victims. "There are some things that didn't.”
Mr. Chertoff has a point here: There were some things that worked well. However, a lot of people -- myself included -- tend to focus on the negative stuff. I mean, yes, there are thousands of bloated bodies floating through the streets, being eaten by rats, roasting under the Louisiana sun. There are the newborns whose short lives began and ended inside the vile confines of the Superdome. There are the brave souls who tried to leave the city on foot but didn’t make it, their corpses strewn along the highway like human roadkill. And, yes, there are families on rooftops who at this very moment are dying of thirst and starvation awaiting help that will never arrive ...
... wait, I lost my train of thought. Oh right, the good things. What were those again?
Posted by teb at 09:56 AM | Email this entry
September 02, 2005
Scott McClellan, after hours
Q Honey, did you stop by the pharmacy like I asked you to?
MR McCLELLAN Thank you for your question. That’s not something I can get into today but we’ll check into that and get back to you at a more appropriate time.
Q What do you mean "we"?
MR McCLELLAN Again, we’ll have to get back to you on that issue. Terry, go ahead.
Q Terry? Who’s Terry?
MR McCLELLAN Right now we’re reaching out to folks with the message that we’re doing all we can. The President understands that people have different points of view.
Q Does the President understand that I asked you specifically to stop by the pharmacy on your way home?
MR McCLELLAN I don’t have anything for you on that today. Thank you. That’s all the time I have.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
September 01, 2005
Down with tolerance!
From Reuters:
President George W. Bush said on Thursday looters plundering stores in New Orleans and elsewhere in the chaotic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina should be treated with "zero tolerance" ...
I agree wholeheartedly with President Bush’s statement that we should have zero tolerance for those looting in New Orleans and other flood-ravaged areas. Naturally, there are some bleeding hearts out there who would make a distinction between armed gangs carting away flat-screen TVs and, say, a mother foraging for supplies in an abandoned convenience store -- but not me. There is right and then there is wrong. Looting is looting, simple as that. And we should crack down on all of them with equal ferocity. I believe that if we work together, and heed the President’s advice, we can finally wipe out tolerance once and for all.
Also, we should probably try to save people before they drown.
Posted by teb at 10:13 AM | Email this entry