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November 30, 2005
Possible Reasons Why Huxley The Cat Is Licking The Biscuits (Pictured Below) That Have Been Sitting In A Bowl On Our Kitchen Table Since Thanksgiving
-- He's a cat. What else is there to do?
-- He's attempting to draw our attention to the biscuits which, let's be honest, should have been thrown away days ago.
-- He's trying to fool us into thinking that the biscuits are still good. Then, when we try to eat one, he'll laugh and laugh.
-- He's desperately searching for a buzz.
-- The feel of the biscuit's flaky exterior against his sensitive tongue reminds him of something he once licked as a kitten. Consequently, each lick brings with it the memory of a time that has passed and will never come again.
--- Umm ... buttery.
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
November 29, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Snap into a Slim Jim!
Dear Slim Jim,
First of all, I want to say that I appreciate Slim Jim's unconventional attitude and distinctive beefy taste. Whether you're craving a meat stick or some good old-fashioned jerky, Slim Jim has both! Yes!
My question is this: How many Slim Jims do you make each year? Probably a lot, huh?
Stay extreme!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for contacting us regarding our Slim Jim products.
We make 533 million (enough to circle the Earth 2.7 times) Slim Jims a
year.
We hope this information is helpful!
ConAgra Foods Consumer Affairs
050789668A
Posted by teb at 06:52 AM | Email this entry
November 28, 2005
Overheard this weekend in a Verizon Wireless store
-- It's Bluetooth-enabled and it has an integrated MP3 player.
-- V Cast is, essentially, broadband-quality video on your phone.
-- I would recommend the Treo simply because it uses Palm software, whereas the Pocket PC is Windows-based.
-- They all have color screens but you're going to be happier with the resolution on the Motorola.
-- You just pop out the memory stick and then pop it into your laptop.
-- Do you have anything that's just, like, a phone?
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
November 27, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 04:03 AM | Email this entry
November 25, 2005
OFF LEASH: On pleasant surprises
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
I’m not sure exactly why -- and far be it from me to question -- but yesterday I was given turkey to eat. Good turkey, too, not some pre-digested mush that you squeeze from a packet. No, I’m talking about actual, moist, white turkey breast.
I was just standing there in the kitchen, doing what I do, when somebody reached down and handed me a little chunk of turkey. Wow, I wanted to say, where did that come from? But I didn’t. I played it cool, as if people hand me little bits of freshly cooked turkey all the time. Then, about ten minutes later, it happened again.
As far as I know, I haven’t been especially good lately. Not that I’ve been bad either; I’ve pretty much been my normal self. And yet, out of nowhere, I get turkey. It’s probably best not to over-analyze it and just be, you know, thankful.
Posted by teb at 11:48 AM | Email this entry
November 24, 2005
What Thanksgiving Day parade anchors are thinking
Al Roker
What he's saying: "Hey, look! It’s Tommy Tune!"
What he’s thinking: I could have sworn Tommy Tune was dead. He looks pretty good, though. Of course who can tell with all that makeup. And of course he’s had work done. He’s gotta be like, what, 95? Geez. I could go for a turkey sandwich right about now. Actually, I could go for about 10 turkey sandwiches. I wish I hadn’t had my stomach stapled. Also, I hate Katie.
Katie Couric
What she's saying: "Chicken Little is the size of a seven-story building!"
What she’s thinking: I am so rich. Man, I am rich. No one is richer than me. Okay, some people are richer than me but not very many. I am so rich. Man, am I rich.
Matt Lauer
What he’s saying: "Super Grover is longer than a New York subway car!"
What he’s thinking: Did I just say that? I’m better than this crap. I am a serious journalist. I ask tough questions. I have Ted Koppel-like gravitas. Maybe I should stop dyeing my hair and just let it go gray. It seemed to work for Anderson Cooper. I hate that guy. I hate Katie, too, even more than Al does. Wait: How do I know what Al's thinking? That's weird. Well, whatever.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
November 23, 2005
A troubling dilemma
At this very moment -- as I’m typing right now -- two men with leaf blowers are clearing the leaves from our driveway. I did not hire these men. I suspect that they were hired by the owner of the house next to ours (he rents it out and hires people to take care of the lawn). They’ve obviously made a mistake. I think I’ll go out right now and correct them.
Of course, first I need to finish this blog entry. That will, naturally, take some time. First, I have to write it, which is what I’m doing right now. Then I need to read back over it, making sure I haven’t accidentally left out a word or made some other careless error. Perhaps I’ll even rewrite a sentence or two. Then, finally, I have to run a spell-check.
But wait! I’m not finished yet. I then have to post the entry. The software I use is relatively simple but, still, the entry doesn’t post itself! No. It requires effort on my part. And that effort takes time. All told, we’re probably talking about 15 or 20 minutes. Maybe even a half-hour. By then, the men with leaf blowers will probably be finished clearing the leaves from our driveway …
It’s too bad because it’s just extra work for them. But I don’t see how it can be avoided. I really don’t. I really, really don’t.
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
November 22, 2005
How the makers of "Rainbow Treasures" cereal might defend themselves if the makers of "Lucky Charms" accused them of copying their idea
For starters, our mascot is a parrot with an eye-patch. Yours is a creepy leprechaun. Yes, we have marshmallows. And, yes, we also use a rainbow on our packaging. But do you really think you’ve cornered the market on rainbows and marshmallows? I mean, come on.
Now, you have a point about the marshmallow in the shape of a yellow moon. I agree that’s more than a coincidence. Think of it as a tribute, a nod to your cereal. That’s all. Okay, we also have a marshmallow that looks a heck of a lot like your green clover. But, really, it could easily be a green foot or a green bell or just a shapeless green marshmallow-y mass. Who can tell?
And what about our purple M? You guys don’t have a purple M. What you have is a purple horseshoe which, I think we can all agree, is completely different.
Anyway, I’m glad that’s settled. All this arguing, though, has made me hungry. I think I’ll pour myself a nice big bowl of Rainbow Treasures. They’re supernaturally delicious!
Posted by teb at 12:03 AM | Email this entry
November 21, 2005
A service to you, dear reader
Like Google, the purpose of Minor Tweaks is to organize and index all of the world’s information. I’ll be the first to admit that we still have a long way to go. That said, progress is being made.
In the past month, for example, 21 people have found the site after typing in some combination of the words "humidifier vs. dehumidifier.” They stumbled onto this post, which helpfully explains the difference between the two. You’re welcome.
In other cases, however, Minor Tweaks falls short. The person who searched for “back to basics of love waylon jennings lyrics explanation” was undoubtedly left unsatisfied.
So allow me to explain:
There are two things that make life worth living. One of them is guitars. The other is firm-feeling women. Fame is overrated. Rather than focusing on material possessions -- such as diamond rings and fancy cars -- people should just love each other. So-called success often leads to problems. Perhaps a simpler lifestyle is the way to go. Instead of a coat and tie, the singer suggests boots and faded jeans. He also suggests moving to Luckenbach, Texas, where ain’t nobody feeling no pain.
There you go. I hope that helps. As for the person who typed in "i am looking for brad" -- I think he’s over at Kim’s house. Try his cell.
Posted by teb at 10:02 AM | Email this entry
November 20, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON/VENN DIAGRAM
Posted by teb at 11:10 AM | Email this entry
November 18, 2005
OFF LEASH: On the value of routine
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Flaubert was right when he said that, in order to be violent and original in one’s work, one must be regular and ordinary in everyday life. That’s why I believe in routine. I walk each morning at around the same time. Immediately following my walk, I eat the same mix of wet-and-dry kibble. Then I take a nap.
If something disrupts this schedule, I am not pleased. I may even growl. It is not a threatening growl (I reserve that for unexpected visitors and the garbage men). No, it is a muted, whiny growl: I am simply registering my displeasure. If the growling does not work, I paw at the leg of whomever is nearby. This usually does the trick. If all else fails, however, I just start barking like a mad dog.
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
November 17, 2005
Rejected Corporate Town Names
From an Associated Press article:
Across the nation, small communities are being courted by large corporations who say renaming a town provides a marketing buzz that can't be bought in television ads.
Urine Gone! Odor and Stain Remover, Wisconsin
Nansulate Rust Inhibitor, Virginia
Sight Connection Ultra Suede Eye Patch, Alabama
Jimmy's Adult Toy Emporium, Minnesota
CatchMaster Glue Boards for Mice, Nevada
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
November 16, 2005
Steinman vs. Kegger
From an Associated Press article:
In the first nine months of the year, Anheuser-Busch saw its share of shipments slip by 1.1 points to 48.7 percent, while Miller was flat at 18.2 percent, said Benj Steinman, publisher of the trade newsletter Beer Marketer's Insights.
Not everyone agreed with Steinman’s figures. “Those numbers don’t give you the complete picture,” said Lou Kegger, publisher of a competing trade newsletter, Brew Times. “Steinman ignores overseas sales and doesn’t fully account for grocery-store distribution.”
Steinman called Kegger’s statements “nonsense” and accused Kegger of manufacturing a controversy in order to promote his newsletter. “The man’s last name isn’t even Kegger,” Steinman said. “It’s Radcliffe. He changed it when he started the newsletter. How pathetic is that?”
Kegger acknowledged that he had changed his name but said Steinman had done so as well. “What are the odds that a guy born with the name ‘Steinman’ becomes the publisher of a beer-marketing newsletter?” Kegger said. “I mean, come on. I'm drunk right now but I'm not that drunk."
Posted by teb at 10:35 AM | Email this entry
November 15, 2005
An excerpt from the Senate confirmation hearings for Federal Reserve Chairman nominee Ben S. Bernanke
SENATOR: Mr. Bernanke, thank you for being here. The committee appreciates you appearing before us today.
BERNANKE: Thank you, senator. I appreciate the opportunity to be here today and answer any questions the committee might have.
SENATOR: I’d like to begin by asking you about a recent report in the Washington Post concerning how, as a child, you came in 26th in the national spelling bee. Is that report correct?
BERNANKE: It is correct, senator.
SENATOR: The word you misspelled was "edelweiss" -- is that correct?
BERNANKE: Yes it is.
SENATOR: The article quotes your mother as saying that you had not seen the movie, The Sound of Music, and thus were unfamiliar with the word. Is that correct?
BERNANKE: Yes it is, senator.
SENATOR: Have you since seen the movie?
BERNANKE: I have.
SENATOR: Remember that part when they’re hiding in the convent and Rolfe -- formerly Liesl’s beau but now a junior Nazi -- catches them and literally blows the whistle?
BERNANKE: Yes, I do.
SENATOR: And then they escape and the Nazis try to follow them but the nuns have sabotaged their cars?
BERNANKE: Yes.
SENATOR: I like that part.
BERNANKE: I agree with you, senator. That’s a good part.
SENATOR: Thank you. I have nothing further at this time.
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
November 14, 2005
What critics are saying about this post
"Starts strong and never lets up!"
"Not bad!"
"Bartlett doesn’t completely disappoint!"
"Funnyish!"
"The best collection of fake praise I’ve read this
year!"
"I LIKED THE PART IN ALL CAPS!"
"Brief!"
"I read it once! Then I read it again! It was exactly
the same!"
"One blurb after another!"
"It’s in English!"
"Pretty good, if you like that sort of thing –- which I
totally I do!"
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
November 13, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
November 11, 2005
They are the weakest links
From a British health news website:
More than one in three children do not know that the main ingredient of chips is potato, according to research published today by the British Heart Foundation.
This latest news only confirms what many of us have known for years: Children are idiots. And yet there are still those who argue that children are somehow "insightful" or "wise." Such misapprehensions are evident in oft-repeated expressions like "out of the mouths of babes ..." I’ll tell you what comes out of the mouths of babes: Idiocy. The average child is slow-witted, poorly read and entirely incapable of carrying on a rational conversation on any topic outside of his or her own extremely limited purview. Ask most children where they stand on any number of pressing social issues and you will be greeted with blank stares or, worse, simple-minded platitudes. It’s embarrassing, really. You almost feel bad for the tiny fools. Almost.
Posted by teb at 10:31 AM | Email this entry
November 10, 2005
E-mail this (or another) entry
Thanks to the HTML talents of Minor Tweaks reader and amateur computer whiz Scott S., MT now has a new feature: E-mail this entry. As I understand it, you simply click on the link below a post (the one that says "Hey! Why not e-mail this entry?") and you will be able to send a message via "electronic mail" to the "virtual mailbox" of a "recipient." Cutting edge? You bet! As their use becomes more widespread, I think these so-called “e-mails” could really revolutionize communication. You heard it here first!
Inspired by this technical innovation, Minor Tweaks is considering additional features to further enhance user experience. Here are a few that are currently in the works:
-- "Rewrite this entry." Don’t like a particular post? Click here and I’ll write it again.
-- "Delete this entry." Really don’t like a particular post? Click here and it will be no more.
-- "Listen to this entry." Don’t want to read an entry? Click here and I’ll read it to you.
-- "Buy this entry." Want to own an entry? Click here and I’ll sell it to you.
-- "End this entry." Is a certain conceit wearing thin? Click here and I’ll wrap it up.
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
November 09, 2005
My reply
Carter Franke
Chief Marketing Officer
Chase Card Services
Dear Carter,
Great to hear from you! Your letter arrived yesterday and, when I saw the envelope, I thought "This must be a bill." But after opening it, I discovered that it wasn’t! It was from you!
How’s everything? My parents are coming for a visit this weekend so we’re trying to get the place in order (or at least as “in order” as it ever gets!). The weather’s been terrific lately -- not too cold, not too hot. The other day, I was in the backyard and I noticed a ripe tomato in the garden. I had assumed there wouldn’t be any more this year. I was wrong! How about that?
Anyway. I think we’re going to pass on the offer you mentioned, though it does sound quite interesting (zero introductory APR for 15 months?!? You can’t beat that!). Still, it was nice of you to think of us. Please keep in-touch.
best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 10:01 AM | Email this entry
November 08, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: Cotswold
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
Named after the Cotswold region in England, where it was first made, this is a hard, cheddar-like cheese seasoned with chives and onions. It’s pretty good. Not excellent, but edible. I’m giving it three mice.
By the way, note the above picture. Isn’t that nice? You might assume that I simply grabbed it from another website. In fact, no. I spent several hours setting that shot up, making sure the cheese was perfectly centered on the plate, getting the lighting just right. Notice how a couple of tomatoes are peeking into the frame, adding some much-needed color. I did that. And then, on the right, we see the bottom edge of a large wheel of cheese. I bought that large wheel of cheese just for this picture. It cost me some money (I had to buy that plate, too) and took most of a weekend. So why did I go to all that trouble? Because I care, damn it. I care.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
November 07, 2005
OFF LEASH: The hot dog rumor
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
There is a rumor going around that I -- brace yourselves -- stole a child’s hot dog. This is untrue. I did not "steal" anything.
Let me set the record straight. While out on my normal evening walk, I was approached, as I sometimes am, by a group of young children. As usual, they asked for and received permission to pet me. One of them was carrying a partially eaten hot dog. The hot dog was very close to my mouth. I ate the hot dog.
I assumed that the child intended the hot dog as a sort of payment: He gets to pet me and I get part of a hot dog. It’s win-win.
Apparently this was not the child’s intention.
I apologize for any misunderstanding. And if I had it to do over again ... oh, who am I kidding? I’d still eat the hot dog.
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
November 06, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 09:36 AM | Email this entry
November 04, 2005
Science news
From Reuters:
Scientists have long suspected the presence of a black hole in the center of the Galaxy. Astronomers believe it is four million times more massive than our Sun.
To illustrate how much larger the black hole is compared to the sun, take an ordinary orange. Make sure it’s a regular-sized orange, not one of those California navel oranges. You could also use a grapefruit. Or a pear, for that matter. On second thought the shape of the pear would be distracting. An apple, however, would work. Any melon would also be fine -- a cantaloupe, say, or a honey dew. If possible, though, get an orange.
Place the orange on a table. Then, next to it, place four million oranges.
See? It’s much bigger.
Posted by teb at 09:34 AM | Email this entry
November 03, 2005
Praise the turtles
Madonna quoted by BBC News:
"If it makes Tom Cruise happy, I don't care if he prays to turtles," she said.
Well, I do. Those of us who grew up praying to turtles are tired of celebrities jumping on the bandwagon just because it’s hip. Sure, they brag about how they pray to turtles -- perhaps they even wear a gold shell around their necks. But have they really made a deep, lifelong commitment to turtles? Have they studied the holy turtle scriptures? Do these celebrities endeavor to "move slowly and hide often" as the turtles have instructed us? Or are they simply going through the motions? Remember: Only the true Turtleists will ascend to that great terrarium in the sky. Everyone else will be buried in the backyard.
Posted by teb at 10:29 AM | Email this entry
November 02, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Honey is sweet
Dear Sue Bee Honey:
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your honey. As the only sweetener available in commercial quantities that isn't man-made, honey brings joy to all of us -- naturally!
That said, I was wondering if it's okay to eat honey straight. Every once in a while, when I feel in the mood for honey but don't want the hassle of spreading it on a piece of bread, I'll just squirt some Sue Bee honey directly into my mouth. I've never heard of anyone else doing this -- but it's probably not harmful, is it? Or is it? I can't imagine that it would be. In fact, forget I asked. And, again, good job on the honey!
Keep it up!
best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Tom:
Thank you for taking the time to email SIOUX HONEY ASSOCIATION with your question.
Eating honey is a common practice for various reasons. Honey is often eaten to sooth a sore throat and for other medicinal purposes. Athletes will eat honey out of the container just before competing because the natural mixture of carbohydrates provides quick energy as well as long lasting energy. There are also many people that eat honey out of the container because they like it, myself included.
Sincerely,
Sioux Honey Association
Mary
Director of Quality Control
Posted by teb at 08:20 AM | Email this entry
November 01, 2005
These photographs I hereby deem "Art"
A dark figure looms in the frame, obscuring the light source. Who is it? What is it? The artist leaves us in suspense.
In this piece, the artist eviscerates our idealized notion of the outdoors. This is a nature scene brimming with menace and confusion. Confront his stark vision ... if you dare!
Any commentary on this one would detract from its devastating critique of the late capitalist era in which we find ourselves. Citizens of Amoreica: Behold your soul.
Posted by teb at 08:07 AM | Email this entry