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December 30, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Mini Cheese Nips
Dear Kraft Mini Cheese Nips,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy Mini Cheese Nips. I found regular cheese nips rather large and cumbersome. Mini Cheese Nips, however, are just the right size. Touchdown!
I particularly wanted to compliment you on the new GO-PAKS. I have a busy lifestyle and it's often difficult to take snack food with me. But with GO-PAKS I don't have to worry: They fit just about anywhere and they go where I go. Thus the name! What's more, the re-closeable lid helps keep my Mini Cheese Nips fresh for later snacking. Oh yes!
Keep GOing! (wink wink!)
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com.
I'm glad to hear your nice comments about our products and company and will share them with our staff. We're proud of our reputation for excellence and work hard to maintain it. We're continually exploring new food developments and are very optimistic about the future of food production. Our pledge is to continue to successfully build on our past achievements far into the future.
It was great hearing from you, and remember we're always updating our site so visit us again soon!
Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations
Posted by teb at 08:12 AM | Email this entry
December 29, 2005
Hardships Gordon Paris, CEO of Hollinger International, Must Endure After Recent Salary Cut
From the Chicago Sun-Times:
The annual salary of Gordon Paris, 52, chairman and CEO of Hollinger International, owner of the Chicago Sun-Times, will be reduced to $900,000 in 2006 from $2 million in 2005, according to the company's proxy statement filed Tuesday.
-- Can no longer use twenties as bathroom tissue. Must use tens.
-- Swimming pool to be filled with Dasani instead of Evian.
-- Forced to fire woman who brushed his teeth.
-- No more Faberge egg omelets.
-- Must cope with shame of making only 60 times as much as a full-time employee at, say, Border's bookstore.
-- Feels just "really rich" rather than "really, really rich."
-- Has to abandon plans to build enormous gold hat.
Posted by teb at 11:16 AM | Email this entry
December 28, 2005
A service to the MT community
As a provider of content -- or "content provider" -- Minor Tweaks is known for delivering brief, semi-reliable information in broken English. Which is why we sometimes like to examine the search logs to see how gentle, misguided folks stumble upon this site of web -- or "website" -- using Google or another search engine, like Ask Jeeves. (Although, does anyone really use Ask Jeeves? Come on, be serious.)
A few examples:
-- "how a koala bear defends itself"
A koala bear will often attempt to intimidate a would-be attacker by puffing out its chest and walking on its hind legs while bellowing "What? You want some of this? Let's go, man! Bring it!"
In other cases, the koala bear will roll itself into a ball, covering its face with its paws. Then, after lulling the attacker into a false sense of security, the koala will slash its throat with a bamboo shiv. **
-- "midget impersonator atlanta ga"
I would pay good money to see a midget impersonate Atlanta. Or any other city in Georgia, for that matter.
-- "raewyn pronounce"
This person wants to know how to pronounce the name of the hit single by actor/singer/songwriter/all-around genius Russell Crowe (you can read more about the quiet power of this song here).
I'm glad to help.
Interestingly, the "w" is silent. So is the "y." Actually, all the letters are silent. To pronounce the word, simply place two fingers in the back of your throat: If you begin to retch, congratulations! You’re doing it right!
**Note: Reader Lila G. writes in to remind us that koalas live on eucalyptus leaves, not bamboo, and therefore it would be unlikely that a koala would stab anyone with a makeshift bamboo shiv. Or at least that's what the koalas WANT you to think. They are tricky little bastards, but oh-so cute.
Posted by teb at 02:34 PM | Email this entry
December 27, 2005
Unlikely Barbershop Quartet Names
Harmonic Disturbance
The Dapper Alcoholics
Half-Notes of Despair
Gash
The Melodious Malefactors
Unfortunate Occurrence
Grandpa Satan's Jollymakers
The Four Nipples
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
December 26, 2005
RE: What up
Dear Mike,
Great to hear from you.
In your e-mail, you asked "sup" with me -- meaning, I take it, "What is up?" Well, not a lot. We had a nice Christmas yesterday; stayed at home most of the day, opening presents, talking on the phone, that sort of thing. My wife's parents are in town and we've been enjoying their company. On Christmas eve, we sang carols and ate cookies with some friends. It was lovely.
Hey, congratulations on winning a new iPod Nano! How exciting that must have been. And it was awfully thoughtful of you to forward the link. Perhaps I should, as you advise, "check it out and get one" for myself. I would normally steer clear of such dubious promotions, but if it's really as "easy and free" as you say it is, then maybe I should make an exception.
Anyway. Again, great to hear from you. And enjoy that new Nano!
Take care,
Tom
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
December 25, 2005
Posted by teb at 09:46 AM | Email this entry
December 23, 2005
A jar of dryer lint
If you're still looking for the perfect gift for the person who has everything and also likes lint, then look no further.
Posted by teb at 05:44 AM | Email this entry
December 22, 2005
THE BACKS OF STRANGERS' HEADS: D.C. Metro edition
For the backs of other strangers' heads, click here.
Posted by teb at 08:33 AM | Email this entry
December 21, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part six
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?
Me: Hey, what's happening?
Anna: I'm fine, thank you for asking.
Me: I didn't, but that’s okay. You're looking well.
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: Including you, huh?
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: So modest. Anywho. How have you been?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible.
Me: I'm glad to see you haven't changed much in the six months since we last talked.
Anna: Welcome back. How can I help you find out more about IKEA products and services?
Me: Thanks, Anna. By the way, what's your last name?
Anna: You are talking to Anna, the IKEA USA Online Assistant. My job is to answer your questions about IKEA products and services. How can I help you?
Me: Just the one name then, kind of like Cher?
Anna: I'd prefer not to talk about celebrities if you don't mind. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: Agreed. I hate celebrities.
Anna: I'm sorry, but talking about famous people isn't what I'm here for. Let's talk about IKEA.
Me: I totally know what you mean! All that gossip, who is sleeping with who ...
Anna: Let's try and talk about IKEA again.
Me: Yes, let's. What do you think about IKEA?
Anna: How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I'm glad to have helped.
Me: Well, I’m happy we did this.
Anna: It's nice to be that way.
Me: It sure is. Have a merry Christmas, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:13 AM | Email this entry
December 20, 2005
TABLE TENNIS TIPS: Crouching tiger
The first in an occasional series on improving your table tennis game.
Take a close look at the picture above. What do you see? A table tennis player, right? Well, look again. Notice how his knees and elbows are bent. Notice how his eyes are filled with concentration. Notice how his headband is pulled tight around his forehead.
He is not a table tennis player. No. He is a crouching tiger ready to pounce.
His "prey" is not another animal, but rather a small, plastic ball. His "weapon" is not a set of sharp teeth; instead, it is a wooden paddle with a rubberized surface. He is "hungry" not for a bloody meal but for a winning score. Eventually the analogy breaks down, but the underlying truth remains: The experienced table tennis player, like the tiger, is always ready. Unlike the tiger, though, he does not literally kill anything.
NEXT TIME: "The Importance of Going For It"
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
December 19, 2005
LBJMDB/RR: Tanned and hippy-haired
In the last couple of weeks, thanks to mentions on the Consumerist and Gawker, Minor Tweaks has seen a substantial uptick in readership. So, for many of you, this post will serve as an introduction to the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Downstairs Bathroom/Reading Room (to read more about the LBJMDB/RR, click here). And what an introduction it is! Today we have not one, not two, but TWO new additions, both of which were donated by kind friends of the LBJMDB/RR, also known as KFOLBJMDB/RR.
The first is a 1972 newspaper clipping from the voluminous personal files of Mitch G. It features, according to the cutline, a "tanned, hippy-haired" LBJ chatting amiably with presidential nominee George McGovern. LBJ is giving McGovern "good homey down-to-earth advice" on how to lose a presidential election and fade away into a trivia question.
This photo is from the May 21, 1971, issue of Life magazine, donated by David G., a new member of the KFOLBJMDB/RR. Here LBJ and Lady Bird are, according to the cutline, joking about a bag of cookies. Sadly, the joke is not recorded. But it must have been a pretty good one because Lady Bird "dissolved in laughter" and LBJ then "reached down to gently squeeze her booted calf."
The cutline also notes that LBJ's hair has grown "considerably longer" since leaving office, but was apparently still shy of hippiness.
Posted by teb at 10:02 AM | Email this entry
December 18, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 10:35 AM | Email this entry
December 16, 2005
FEATURED CHEESE: WisPride Cheddar, Swiss and Wine
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
For today's cheese tasting, we brought in an outside non-expert: Kellie. Before sampling WisPride's spreadable, triple-cheeese variety pack, Kellie cleansed her palate with a swig of water and a single Ritz cracker. No one asked her to do this; she just did it on her own. It seems like something professional cheese tasters might do, assuming that such people exist. We were very impressed.
Here are her reactions to each of the cheeses:
Cheddar: "Tastes like a cheese log." (When it was argued that this actually is a cheese log of sorts, Kellie correctly pointed out that it's not "log-shaped.")
Swiss: "Pretty good for Swiss. I don't really like Swiss." (It's true. She doesn't.)
Wine: "Unremarkable. But I like it because it's pink." (When told that we were interested in the taste of the cheese, not its color, she gave us a look that, loosely translated, means "Oh please.")
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
December 15, 2005
Matt Drudge's To-Do List
TAKE RECYCLING TO THE CURB!!!
POST LARGE PICTURE OF ELTON JOHN!!!
DRINK SEVERAL CUPS OF COFFEE!!! BLACK!!!
USE THE ELLIPSIS ... LIKE IT'S GOING OUT-OF-STYLE!!!
BASK IN THE PERPLEXING PRAISE OF CAMILLE PAGLIA WHO THINKS I'M SOME KIND OF BRILLIANT REBEL!!!
BE AMAZED BY OWN SUCCESS CONSIDERING UTTER LACK OF IDENTIFIABLE TALENT !!!
CLEAN HAT!!!
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
December 14, 2005
DJ Dylan
From ABC News:
Singer Bob Dylan will host a weekly radio music show on XM Satellite Radio beginning in March.
Oh yeah. System of a Down! You gotta give it up for those guys. This is Bobby D. coming at you on a Wednesday -- hump day! You're halfway through the week! Hope it's turning into a good one for you. Of course tomorrow is Thursday and you all know what that means? You guessed it: Friday is coming soon. And after Friday -- it's the weekend, baby! Time to kick back!
I sure love the weekend. But do you know what I don't love? Mondays. The beginning of the work week. A return to the grind. Ugh. If I had to rate my least-favorite days, Monday would be at the top of the list. Followed by Tuesday, due to its proximity to Monday.
Anyway, coming up in the next hour we have Nickelback, Gorillaz, Green Day, Ashlee Simpson, Kanye West, and "Dance, Dance," the hot new single from Fall Out Boy. You may not need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, but we're gonna tell you whether you should pack an umbrella tomorrow. After that we'll get a traffic update from our very own SkyCam Pete. Keep it locked.
Posted by teb at 08:58 AM | Email this entry
December 13, 2005
OFF LEASH: On salt
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Salt is a spice, a preservative, and a necessary component of life. The Bible mentions salt more than 30 times. The modern word "salary" derives from salt: Roman soldiers were paid in "salt money." Expressions such as "salt of the earth" and "he's not worth his salt" are further evidence of salt's historical and linguistic importance.
In addition, people use rock salt to de-ice driveways and sidewalks. But here's the thing: Salt irritates my paws. It really does. I'll be walking along, sniffing, looking for squirrels -- basically minding my own business -- when I'll accidentally walk through a pile of salt. Boy, does it sting. Sometimes I stop walking and whimper, holding one paw aloft. My point is this: YOU PEOPLE ARE KILLING ME WITH THE SALT! CUT IT OUT!
It's fine to salt your driveways and sidewalks, but do so sparingly. You don't need to drop a giant freaking handful of salt on the concrete: A light sprinkling will do quite nicely.
I thank you in advance for your consideration. And so do my paws.
Posted by teb at 09:22 AM | Email this entry
December 12, 2005
Vegetables and Terrorism
From an article in the Washington Post about a company that is paid to "place" articles in newspapers to promote certain products:
Another story that ran several years ago in West Virginia's Charleston Gazette was titled "Family togetherness increases after Sept. 11," in reference to the 2001 terrorist attacks. It started as a typical trend story and ended with a plug for Dole Fresh Vegetables.
In times of difficulty, people often turn to those they care about the most -- their families.
The terrorist attacks of September 11 are no exception.
Spending time with family can help reduce negative emotions such as fear or depression. Simply eating dinner together, experts say, can lower stress levels. As one psychologist put it: "A little conversation and a warm smile can work wonders."
Experts add that as long as you're having dinner, you might as well eat something that's good for you. They recommend DOLE FRESH CARROTS. While you're comforting your loved ones after an unspeakable atrocity committed by members of a radical Islamic movement who seek to destroy our country and kill as many of us as possible in the process, DOLE FRESH CARROTS are working to promote good eyesight and healthy skin.
Likewise, DOLE FRESH BROCCOLI can be an important part of your Sept. 11 recovery plan. Experts say nibbling on raw florets (an excellent source of vitamin C, folic acid and fiber) while discussing your feelings can be therapeutic. As one expert put it: "They're tasty too!"
Posted by teb at 09:12 AM | Email this entry
December 11, 2005
SUNDAY CARTOON
Posted by teb at 09:36 AM | Email this entry
December 09, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Nature Valley Granola Bars
Dear Nature Valley Granola Bars,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your granola bars. Healthy, tasty, satisfying -- Nature Valley Granola Bars have it all!
I was wondering ... well, actually I wasn't really wondering anything. I thought I had a question, but now that I'm here, actually typing, I realize I do not. Funny how that happens. Like yesterday, I got in my car, made it halfway down the street, then realized I didn't know where I was going (turns out, I was going to Radio Shack!). So never mind on the question part. But, again, nice job on the granola bars. They're granola-rrific!
Keep moving!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett:
Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Nature Valley granola bars. It was kind of you to share your thoughts, and you have brightened our day.
There is a great deal of time and effort involved in developing our various products, promotions and cookbooks. We will be sure to share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.
We appreciate your loyalty and hope you will continue to choose our products.
Sincerely,
Maria Chase
General Mills
Consumer Services
Posted by teb at 10:10 AM | Email this entry
December 08, 2005
What I Learned From The News
Condoleezza Rice, as quoted by the Associated Press:
"The United States doesn't engage in torture, doesn't condone it, doesn't expect its employees to engage in it," she said.
Lesson: Just change the definition of a word and -- voila! -- your problems are solved.
From a New York Times article on a possible ethics refresher course for House members:
"The speaker wants members on both sides of the aisle to understand the nuances of House rules," Ron Bonjean, a spokesman for Mr. Hastert, said about the plan.
Lesson: Maybe former Representative Randy Cunningham didn't know that taking $2-million in bribes to secure Pentagon deals for military contractors was, technically, a violation of the rules.
From Forbes, on the connection between stress and healing:
The researchers found that blisters healed more slowly following argumentative conversations than after supportive discussions.Lesson: If you're going to yell at somebody, wear comfortable shoes.
Posted by teb at 09:51 AM | Email this entry
December 07, 2005
Google and ye shall find
Every few weeks, I examine the online records of Minor Tweaks. I do this for two reasons:
1. I have no hobbies.
2. To discover which search terms have led readers to this humble site.
Someone recently stumbled onto Minor Tweaks while searching for "creepy town names." Well, here you go:
Bloody Clown Head, Idaho
Disembodied Voices, Nebraska
Bill O’Reilly, Georgia
Someone else came here while searching for "kind words thoughtful." What an excellent search string. You spelled all the words correctly and everything. Very nice job. Congratulations.
Then there was the gentle soul searching for "a very good poem." Unfortunately, I don’t have one of those. But I do have this.
And to the person who typed in "lbj toilet," all I can say is: I share your dream, my friend. I share your dream.
Posted by teb at 10:22 AM | Email this entry
December 06, 2005
There's nothing like it
A headline in the New York Times:
New Set of Servers Announced by Sun
The announcement by Sun surprised many analysts. "I thought Sun was doing pretty well," one said. "It has its ups and downs, but it's been amazingly consistent over the long haul. You have to wonder: Why now?"
Some insiders speculated that the move was brought on by the perception that Sun was falling behind the times. "We live in a 24-7 environment now and Sun is down about half the time," an insider said. "That just doesn't cut it anymore."
Competitors, such as Moon, were less impressed. "Apparently it’s not enough that the rest of us bask in Sun's glory," Moon said. "Now Sun is scrambling to gobble up even more market share. I think it's pathetic."
Sun was busy early Tuesday and unavailable for comment.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
December 05, 2005
Weekend College Football Round-Up From Someone Who Doesn’t Follow College Football At All Or Any Other Sport For That Matter
For college football fans, this was quite a weekend. Fans watched -- either from the stands or at home on their televisions -- as their favorite teams went head-to-head with their opponents. For some, this meant looking on as their squad scored the most points. Others were not so lucky.
The margins of victory varied. There were some nail-biters. Other games, however, were not as close. In the end, one team left the field with the coveted "W" while the other team did not.
Defense played an important role in each of these contests. By preventing the other teams from scoring, or at least trying to, defenses once again proved that they are a vital component of the game. And yet where would we be without offenses? Scoreless, that’s where. So, needless to say, they're pretty important, too.
Coaches helped by communicating to the players what they should do and by putting in replacement players when the players who were playing got tired or hurt.
Overall, there was lots of running, throwing, catching, hiking, tackling, and even kicking. It was something else. So congratulations! Or better luck next time!
You know, depending ...
Posted by teb at 02:28 AM | Email this entry
December 02, 2005
OFF LEASH: On compliments
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
Everyone likes a compliment now and then. Even those who feign indifference cannot help but be secretly pleased.
That goes for me, too. This morning, while out on my walk, one of our neighbors -- a stylish yoga instructor who lives one block over -- called out to me. "Looking good, Fiddler!" she said. Her comment was no doubt prompted by the faux-leather jacket I recently acquired. It was purchased to help keep me warm during the chilly winter months (unlike fluffier dogs, I do not come equipped with natural insulation; I get cold). But along with its utilitarian function, the jacket is also undeniably attractive. I do, indeed, look good in it.
And I appreciated the compliment. If that makes me vain, well, so be it.
Posted by teb at 09:53 AM | Email this entry
December 01, 2005
CONSUMER E-MAIL: English muffins
Dear Thomas' English Muffins,
I recently bought a package of your new SUPER-SIZE English muffins instead of the standard-size English muffins. Now, normally, I like to stick with what I know works, but in this case I thought "What the heck?"
Well, I was surprised. And pleased. They really are much bigger! I don't know about "SUPER-SIZE" -- that seems a little strong. Makes me think of an English muffin the size of my head which, frankly, would be too big (I'm speaking of the English muffin, not my head. My head isn't too big. At least I don't think so). Still, they're pretty big, for muffins.
Keep going!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
(Note: This reply came via the U.S. Postal Service.)
Dear Mr. Bartlett:
We are so pleased to receive your comments regarding our THOMAS' SUPER SIZE ORIGINAL ENGLISH MUFFINS.
Today, it seems so easy for people to complain, but few will take time and interest to indicate their pleasure with a product. Your compliment has special value.
We have always been committed to bring to our consumers tasty, wholesome, and nutritious products. We are constantly working to create new varieties that will satisfy our consumers' needs. You really brightened our day, because it indicates not only that our efforts are appreciated but also that our consumers are receiving our products in accordance with our standards for quality and appearance.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. Your interest in George Weston Bakeries is appreciated. Please find enclosed, with our compliments, coupons to use towards future purchases of our products.
Sincerely,
Victoria
Consumer Services Associate
Posted by teb at 09:50 AM | Email this entry