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January 31, 2006
Exxorbitant
From the Los Angeles Times on Exxon’s 2005 profit of $36 billion, more than any other company in U.S. history:
"We recognize that consumers worldwide want and need reliable supplies of affordable energy," Chairman and Chief Executive Rex Tillerson said Monday.
Mr. Tillerson added: "Because we have a stranglehold on those supplies, we can control the prices."
He continued: "And obviously we're going to charge as much as we can get away with."
Furthermore, according to Mr. Tillerson: "We realize this causes extreme financial strain to those who can least afford it and that our profits come at the expense of the rest of the country and that the oil industry is a major contributor to the problems we're having throughout the Middle East."
In addition, he said: "But we don't care."
Then he screamed: "I can buy and sell every one of you! Bow before my vast wealth! Worship my record-breaking earnings! I am your master now!"
Afterward, he whispered: "Can I take back that last part?"
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
January 30, 2006
A few observations regarding the Lands' End Kids "Spring Preview 2006" catalog
-- The boots have an "exclusive OpenWIDE system," meaning that they unzip so you can get your feet in them. I would argue that "system" is a little strong in this context.
-- "gray-day visibility"
"elastic-waist flare jeans"
"close-to-custom fit"
"zip-front springweight jacket"
"open-bottom cargo climbers"
"rip-grip gussets"
Enough with the hyphenated modifiers. It's over-the-top.
-- I can't find them online, but the catalog has icons for warm, warmer, and warmest. The icons are silhouettes of animals: "warm" is a bunny and "warmest" is a bear. But I can’t figure out what animal "warmer" is supposed to be. A wolf, maybe? Or a fox? A very large cat? I have no idea.
-- Microlon. Thermolite. Supplex. I know it's all nonsense, but I'm still impressed.
-- We don't have kids.
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Note: I Have OPINIONS!!! has recently been updated.
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
January 29, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:32 AM | Email this entry
January 27, 2006
The Searchers
The following is a true statement: People search for stuff on the Internet.
This is also a true statement: Sometimes, through no fault of their own, these people end up visiting Minor Tweaks.
Furthermore: I find the stuff they were searching for when they ended up here endlessly fascinating.
To wit:
-- "how it feels to be really rich"
I'm going to guess and say it feels pretty good.
-- "LBJ headband"
Come on, there's no such thing. Is there? Because that would be too awesome.
-- "is vaseline okay to put in a dry nose"
Yes. Though not in public.
-- "kelly ripa skin care routine"
1. Cleanse
2. Exfoliate
3. Moisturize
4. Be startled by own inexplicable success
5. Repeat
-- "how to explain to a child the quote a house divided against itself cannot stand"
See, the house is ... divided. Not literally. It's more like, you know, it might fall down or something. So if the house is against itself -- meaning it's divided -- then it is unable to stand. Not "stand" like people stand but "stand" like a house stands. Houses can't sit, of course. Anyway. Isn't it your bedtime?
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
January 26, 2006
Excerpts from the September 3, 2001, issue of Time Magazine I found on the Metro yesterday that now –- more than four years later -- seem oddly prescient, silly and/or kind of sad
-- A quote from President Bush in which he refers to a tree expert as an "arbo-tree-ist."
What a knucklehead! At least there's no chance we'll re-elect him.
-- A brief article that wonders whether Michael Jackson is still the King of Pop.
Um, no.
-- A brief article that wonders whether Eddie Murphy can make "Pluto Nash" a success.
Um, no.
-- A column predicting a "worldwide economic crisis" that includes this line: "Might anything else tip the mood from mere gloom to catastrophe?"
That would be a yes.
-- A brief item about how the FBI uncovered fraud in McDonald's Monopoly game.
Good work, guys. That's important. It's not a waste of time. Besides, there's nothing else you fellas need to worry about right now.
-- An article about how Bush was already squandering the federal budget surplus.
What a knucklehead! At least there's no chance we'll re-elect him.
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
January 25, 2006
OFF LEASH: To the dogs in my neighborhood
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Black dog w/ fluffy tail: Seriously, what is your deal? Could you be any more spastic or angry? I don’t think so, but go ahead and try.
Beautiful, Lassie-type dog: Yeah, you're gorgeous. But what's with the attitude? It's not like you groomed yourself.
Enormous dog behind chain-link fence: I know you're bigger than me. I know you believe I'm in your "territory" when I pass by your yard. I realize this is disturbing to you. But guess what? There's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Little white dog: Take a deep breath. There. Don't you feel better? I suggest taking up yoga or something before you give yourself a heart attack.
Really fat dog who barely moves: Are you alright? You don't look so good.
Teddy, the dog who is roughly my size: I've got nothing but love for you, my friend. You're always up for a romp, your tail is forever wagging, and you are crazy (in a good way). Never change.
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
January 24, 2006
My reply (2)
Carter Franke
Chief Marketing Officer
Chase Card Services
Dear Carter,
So good to hear from you again!
How is everything? Not much news here. Our holidays were pretty low-key; Kellie’s parents flew up from Texas for a visit. It was nice to see them.
We're back on Netflix now so we've been watching a lot of movies. The thing about Netflix, though, is that I feel guilty if I fall behind in my viewing. You know what I mean? Maybe it's just me.
Weather's been kind of warm for this time of year -- believe me, I'm not complaining!
Anywho. Unfortunately, we're not going to take you up on your offer. It was tempting, though! That sure is a low introductory APR and the lack of balance transfer fees certainly does sweeten the deal. Still, it's just not for us.
Drop a line when you can.
All the best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 01:13 AM | Email this entry
January 23, 2006
To a Dropped Muffin
you were tasty
I was hungry
it seemed so simple
so obvious
so right
and then ...
you, falling
me, reaching
oh no.
we were alone
you and I
no one could see
no one would know
no one but us
I brushed you
with my hand
there, I said aloud
good as new
Posted by teb at 10:35 AM | Email this entry
January 22, 2006
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January 20, 2006
A Semi-Special Minor Tweaks
In television parlance, a "flashback episode" is one in which highlights from previous shows are strung together in order to make a new, "original" episode. This keeps writers from having to invent plots, write dialogue, and do all the other stuff that makes writing so darn troublesome. Instead all they have to do is come up with some lame premise (the characters get stuck in a traffic jam or trapped in an elevator) and then the characters "remember" what's happened to them in past shows. It's an overused, transparent device that reveals the writer for what he actually is, i.e., a lazy hack.
This occurred to me recently when I was marooned on a tropical island. I also thought about that time I found an orange flier stuck in my door. After considering that for a while, I remembered when the humidifier and the de-humidifier engaged in some pretty mean trash talk. That was unexpected! As was that conversation between Brad Pitt and Franz Kafka -- I mean, I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt is dead. I also reminisced about that time I gave artists some free advice and that discussion I had with the guy who drove me around St. Louis (which wasn’t very hard to remember, seeing as how it just happened).
There were plenty of other things to mull over, but just then the Coast Guard arrived and rescued me. Phew. And let me add: Hooray!
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
January 19, 2006
What We Probably Can't Expect From New Osama Tape
From Reuters:
Arab television station al Jazeera said on Thursday it would soon air a new audio tape said to be from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. No more details were given.
-- Message of hate delivered as funky freestyle rap.
-- An hilarious anecdote about how he can never remember which wife is which.
-- A new jihad, but this time against childhood obesity.
-- Announcement that al Qaeda is breaking up because of "creative differences."
-- Crazy rant against the United States in which he espouses a perverted version of Islam and threatens to kill more innocent people for no good reason. Oh wait ...
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
January 18, 2006
yikes! teenagers are using the internet!
From a Washington Post article on the dangers of teen blogging:
Blogs abound with seductive poses and confessions of love, hate and everything in between.
so i read this article in the newspaper? i know it's hard to believe because teenagers supposedly don't read newspapers, but i totally did! anyway. it was about about how blogs are all scary and bad or whatever and i was like "how come the people who write these articles seem like they've never actually been on the interweb?" LOL! because that's how it seems. one of the scary examples was about some girl who wrote about getting drunk and how it makes you throw-up sometimes. OMG! is that the best you can do? cuz it's not very good. and doesn't it seem like every couple of months adults (and particularly adults who happen to be reporters) freak out majorly about teenagers and the internet? just put those two words together -- teenagers and internet -- and you've got the makings of a special A1 report that will shake heads and furrow brows all across our "very concerned" nation! of course there are dangers and, yes, teenagers (and everyone else, for that matter) should be cautious about what they post for public consumption -- but come on! most teenagers have really mundane livejournal blogs in which they discuss their hair or write lame poetry or gossip about who likes whom (although very few of them would use the words "mundane" or "whom"). it's mostly a good thing. really.
people need to chill or whatever.
Posted by teb at 02:47 PM | Email this entry
January 17, 2006
TABLE TENNIS TIPS: Extending the arm
The third in an occasional series on improving your table tennis game. For more table tennis tips, click here.
Watching a table tennis game can be every bit as thrilling as watching any other sporting event. The flick of the paddle. The slight tapping sound made by the ball as it strikes the table. And so forth. But while table tennis may be exciting for the spectator, for the serious player it is hard work.
In the illustration above, notice how the player is gripping the paddle with his hand. Notice, too, how his arm is fully extended and ready to meet the ball. This is not by accident. No. It is intentional.
Also be aware of how his headband is secured tightly around his head. This has been pointed out in previous lessons, but cannot be overemphasized: If you cannot see the ball, you cannot hit it (unless you get super lucky). For the long-haired player, a headband is not a fashion statement; it is a necessity.
NEXT TIME: "Preparing Yourself Mentally"
Posted by teb at 10:38 AM | Email this entry
January 16, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Consider making appointment to get hair cut. Consider showing up without appointment. Fail to do either.
Briefly entertain the idea of trimming the ivy along the fence. Decide it’s too cold.
Eat three nectarines.
Sweep up dog hair. Be utterly stupefied that a short-haired dog could shed this much.
Think "I really should replace the fluorescent bulb in the closet that burned out at least two months ago."
Listen to Joanna Newsom's record "The Milk-Eyed Mender" for, like, the ten-billionth time. Think about sending her long, adoring, very detailed fan letter. Realize that might be creepy.
Enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate.
Learn the mostly useless word "aposiopesis," which refers to the rhetorical device of beginning a sentence and not finishing it. Of all the ...
Feel secretly pleased that the Redskins lost so everyone will stop talking about them. Mention said secret pleasure in blog entry, thereby making it much less secret.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
January 15, 2006
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January 13, 2006
Actual Conversation with Radio Shack Guy (Thoughts in Italics)
Me: Hey, I'm looking for a USB expander thing. Wow, look at his hair. Is there some kind of company requirement that these dudes all have ratty ponytails?
Radio Shack Guy: Do you need a hub or a PCI card? An expander thing? Come on. At least learn the right name.
Me: I don't know. I can tell he thinks I'm an idiot just because I don’t know what a PCI card is. Well, at least I don't wear a nametag at work.
Radio Shack Guy: Okay, let's take a look. Don't get
frustrated. Just ask yourself "What would Commander Data do?"
Me: All right. This is going to suck.
Radio Shack Guy: I suggest you go with this one. It has the 4-port PCI Card and a 4-port hub. It’s probably more than you need, but it's on sale. He still doesn't know what a PCI card is. But guess what? I'm not going to tell him.
Me: Is it difficult to install? I refuse to ask what a PCI card is. I'd rather buy it than ask.
Radio Shack Guy: Oh no. It'll take you 15 minutes. It will take him two hours and he'll probably still do it wrong. But that's not my problem.
Me: Great. Thank you. Dork
Radio Shack Guy: Sure. Good luck. You'll need it, loser.
Posted by teb at 10:13 AM | Email this entry
January 12, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Otto Van Bismarck
"It Could Have Been a Brilliant Career" (Belle & Sebastian): It was a brilliant career. More or less.
"These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" (Jessica Simpson): An extremely enjoyable kitschy cover in spite of the singer, the too-slick production, and the crappy movie it was intended to promote.
"Humoresque" (Art Tatum): Tickle those ivories, blind man.
"Virgin with a Memory" (Destroyer): I don't know what he's talking about, but I wish he'd kept talking about it.
"God Only Knows" (The Beach Boys): Does He really?
"Like a Monkey in a Zoo" (K. McCarty): Throw me a peanut. Laugh and make jokes. But I've had enough peanuts and I'm ready to croak.
"Mr. Ambulance Driver" (The Flaming Lips): It's about dying. And you can dance to it!
Posted by teb at 11:08 AM | Email this entry
January 11, 2006
OFF LEASH: True Riches
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was licking the floor yesterday when I was reminded of a quote from Henry David Thoreau: "The man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." By this measure, I am rich indeed because the vast majority of my pleasures are completely free. How much does it cost to bark at squirrels? Or to run around the backyard like a crazy dog? Or to growl at the wall for no reason?
I'll tell you how much: Not one dime.
And when those pleasures get old, I find new ones. For example, the other day I ate a Post-It note. It must have fallen from the desk or the bulletin board. Now, it had never occurred to me to eat a Post-It note before, but when the opportunity presented itself I thought: Well, why not? Perhaps that will be enjoyable. As it happens, I didn't particularly enjoy eating the Post-It note, but that's not the point. The point is this: You have to make your own fun.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wall to growl at.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
January 10, 2006
What I Plan To Embellish For Obvious Dramatic Reasons In My Own Forthcoming Memoir
From The Smoking Gun website, on evidence that James Frey, author of "A Million Little Pieces," invented much of his life story:
But during these interviews, Frey did, for the first time, admit that he had embellished central details of his criminal career and purported incarceration for "obvious dramatic reasons" in the nonfiction work.
-- An argument with my roommate over dish duty will become a heroin-fueled knife fight in some dimly lit, garbage-strewn back alley.
-- That parking ticket will now be two years in "the hole."
-- Instead of mostly ignoring me, the girl I liked in high school will be eaten by a shark while I look on in dumbstruck horror.
-- My fondness for hot tea will turn into a nasty coke habit.
-- Rather than breaking my finger while trying to squash a cricket with my shoe, I will have my arm blown off by, say, a missile.
-- Instead of following the normal rules of capitalization, I will randomly capitalize common Nouns in order to seem Artsy and Profound even though it's actually just an annoying Tic.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
January 09, 2006
Yes, they're liars. But the accent is simply adorable
From Reuters:
Almost a third of young Britons have passed off a ready-made meal as their own creation in order to impress someone, according to a survey by the Department of Health on Monday.
Dinner Guest: "Mmm ... this is really good. Did you make it yourself?"
Young Briton: "I did. I made that."
Dinner Guest: "Wow. You're a good cook."
Young Briton: "Yes, I am. I mean -- thank you. I made that."
Dinner Guest: "I know. You already told me."
Young Briton: "I was just re-emphasizing that fact. And it is a fact, by the way."
Dinner Guest: "What is?"
Young Briton: "That I made what you're eating."
Dinner Guest: "Right."
Young Briton: "I wouldn't want you to think it came from the store."
Dinner Guest: "Why would I think that?"
Young Briton: "I don't know. I'm just saying."
Dinner Guest: "It really is delicious. What's for dessert?"
Young Briton: "Chocolate cake. Which I made myself. Just FYI."
Posted by teb at 10:48 AM | Email this entry
January 08, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
January 06, 2006
THE BACKS OF STRANGERS' HEADS: Barnes & Noble edition
For the backs of other strangers' heads, click here.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
January 05, 2006
What I Learned From The News
From the Queensland Courier-Mail:
The sudden death of Dubai's billionaire ruler Sheikh Maktoum bin Rashid Al Maktoum while holidaying on the Gold Coast has cost next week's Magic Millions yearling sales one of its richest buyers.
What I Learned: There's something called the "Gold Coast." And there's something else called "Magic Millions." And "holiday" can be used as an intransitive verb.
From ABC News:
Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees has purchased the home where Johnny Cash and his wife, June Carter Cash, lived for 35 years.
What I Learned: The names "Barry Gibb" and "Johnny Cash" can appear in the same sentence and the world somehow manages not to explode.
From The Times of London:
Traditionally, caviar is eaten with an ivory spoon. A small amount is placed in the V between thumb and index finger, and eaten straight off the skin. The eggs are rolled slowly around the mouth and pop to release the flavour.
What I Learned: Nothing. I knew that already.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
January 04, 2006
Actual Comments Made By Dave, The Guy Who Drove Me Around St. Louis
"There's the arch. It's six-hundred and -- well, I don't know the exact stats on that."
"I used to plow everybody's snow. But we don't get as much snow anymore. They get more snow up north."
"Two years from now I'll be riding around in the back of a limo."
"I get free passes from strip clubs."
"I'm not one of these guys who goes around looking for a good deal."
"I'm a bad speller. That's why I used to get some guy to type up my letters."
BONUS: Actual Exchange Between Me and Dave
Dave: I drive to D.C. all the time.
Me: Really? Probably takes you about -- what? -- 15 hours?
Dave: Oh no. More like 13 or 14. I mean, if I hit it really hard.
Posted by teb at 11:49 AM | Email this entry
January 03, 2006
TABLE TENNIS TIPS: Staying limber
The second in an occasional series on improving your table tennis game.
Good athletes always come prepared. Part of being prepared is making sure to stretch thoroughly before a game. In the photo above we see player rolling his head (circled) to one side. Notice how his hands (circled) are placed on his hips for balance: Proper form leads to proper execution.
Also notice how his headband is in place even during pre-game stretching. This ensures that his hair won't fall into his eyes.
While stretching, it's a good idea to think about your strategy for the upcoming game. Is your opponent overly aggressive? Perhaps you can use that against him. Is your opponent slow on his feet? Perhaps you should keep him running. Is your opponent easily frightened? Perhaps you should frighten him.
Don't stop stretching while you’re thinking. If you can't do both, then just stretch.
NEXT TIME: "Finishing Strong"
Posted by teb at 08:47 AM | Email this entry
January 02, 2006
OFF LEASH: Welcome 2006
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
The beginning of a year is an opportunity, not only to reflect on the accomplishments of the previous year, but to consider where one is heading in the new one. I'm not talking about so-called resolutions -- those quickly broken promises to lose weight, quit smoking, or stop growling at squirrels. No, I'm speaking of a deeper introspection, the kind of sustained self-analysis that can alter our lives for the better, that can help us to fully realize our potential, to finally become who we truly are.
On another note, have you ever tried Pup-Peroni? It's a beefy training treat from Petsmart. The slogan is "A Pooch'll Do Anything for Pup-Peroni Dog Snacks." Now, I find the idea that a dog will do "anything" for a treat more than a little insulting; and the name "Pup-Peroni" is the kind of corporate cleverness I normally despise. But, man, are they good. Really, really good. I can't tell you how good they are. Wow. As soon as the lid is unscrewed, I can barely contain myself. I’ve got to have one RIGHT NOW.
It is my hope that this new year will be full of "Pup-Peroni," so to speak. I'm using Pup-Peroni here as a metaphor. Although, just to be clear, I also mean it literally. (I’m not kidding. Those are some tasty treats.)
Posted by teb at 10:48 AM | Email this entry
January 01, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry