« January 2006 | Main | March 2006 »
February 28, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part seven
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: How are you doing, darling?
Anna: We don't know each other well enough to use names like that.
Me: You're upset with me. I know we haven't chatted in a while -- is that it?
Anna: Welcome back. How can I help you find out more about IKEA products and services?
Me: So all is forgiven?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks.
Me: Hey, what do you think of this whole Mohammed cartoon controversy?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: I see what you mean. No need to stir the pot.
Anna: Here you will find Pots and Pans.
Me: Thanks. I was reading an article today about Iran and the IAEA. Every time I see IAEA my mind replaces the first "A" with a "K." So it's like IKEA is issuing a report on the enrichment of uranium. That's kind of funny, isn't it?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Trying to get rid of me, eh?
Anna: I will. Thank you for the encouragement.
Me: You know, sometimes I think you're just mean.
Anna: If I have unintentionally offended you I apologize. How can I help you?
Me: Unintentional my ass.
Anna: I'm afraid I'm not willing to discuss this subject in any way.
Me: I wasn't suggesting a subject for discussion. I was making a point.
Anna: This is a very delicate area, so I'd rather not talk about this sort of thing. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: I understand. Well, Anna, it's been real.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:24 AM | Email this entry
February 27, 2006
Amazon reviews
A couple of weeks ago I encouraged readers to review underappreciated works on Amazon, including the inimitable "Related information for seventh and eighth grades in the areas of wood, metal, ceramics, and fly tying." Kudos to those who rose to the challenge, and a special doff of the old chapeau to Joel and Elizabeth, whose reviews were ... well, just read them.
This week's text is "Responses of young slash pine on poorly drained to somewhat poorly drained silt loam soils to site preparation and fertilization treatments" by James D. Haywood. I believe that you will find it to be a fertile topic. Please remember that Amazon reserves the right to delete reviews that are not related to a particular item. However, they didn't say anything about digressions ...
Posted by teb at 09:12 AM | Email this entry
February 26, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
February 24, 2006
OFF LEASH: On repeating the past
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
George Santayana warned us that those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it. The Spanish-born philosopher’s well-worn maxim is usually trotted out in reference to matters of geopolitical importance, such as the wisdom of invading another country for no good reason and without a plan for withdrawing our troops or rebuilding its infrastructure. Things like that.
But it can also have a more personal application. For instance, I like to sniff cats. I touch my nose to theirs, just as I would with a friendly dog. This gesture is almost always met with hissing, spitting, and even swatting (I have marks on my snout to prove the latter). And yet I persist.
Have I failed to learn from the past? Perhaps. Or maybe, to use another oft-quoted phrase, hope springs eternal. Either way, I plan to continue reaching out to my temperamental little friends. Whether they respond in kind or bare their surprisingly sharp claws is their decision, not mine.
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
February 23, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Electrasol
Dear ELECTRASOL®,
First of all, I want to tell you how much I enjoy ELECTRASOL® 2-IN-1 Gelpacs Automatic Dishwasher Detergent now with JET-DRY® Rinse Agent Action. What with the Gelpacs® and the rinse agent and such, who could possibly want more from a dishwasher detergent? Not me, I'll tell you that!
Your advertisements say ELECTRASOL® can remove even the toughest dried-on foods, including oatmeal and pasta. I believe it! As it happens, we do not own a dishwasher (there are only two of us -- so there's not much need) but if we did, ELECTRASOL® would be our brand. Absolutely!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
Thank you very much for your nice comments regarding Electrasol® Gelpacs Automatic Dishwasher Detergent.
We appreciate it when one of our consumers takes time out from their busy day to let us know of their satisfaction with one of our products. Comments from consumers are always welcome and your e-mail has been forwarded to our Marketing Managers so they may be aware of your feedback.
We value your continued interest and support of Reckitt Benckiser products and we hope you will continue to rely on our products with complete confidence and satisfaction.
Sincerely,
Kim Gordon
Consumer Relations
Posted by teb at 05:25 AM | Email this entry
February 22, 2006
Actual Discussion with Cab Driver Yesterday
Cab driver wants advice about his girlfriend trouble. Shoot, I say.
He says that when he is nice to her, she is mean to him and when he is mean to her, she is nice to him. This turns out to be untrue and irrelevant, but nevermind.
He rambles for a while about their two-year relationship. The first red flag goes up when he mentions that she prefers "cash gifts" to flowers or jewelry. Odd, but I'm still listening. He complains that she is often too tired for him to come over and asks him to do favors for her when he's busy working.
Now, I pride myself on giving excellent romantic advice to balding, middle-aged men who are driving me to the airport. I want to get this right. But, at this point, there's not much to go on.
We're getting close to my destination when he tells me, as an afterthought, that his girlfriend recently had an abortion. And that it wasn't his. But she won't tell him whose it was.
In journalism, this is known as "burying the lede."
Break up with her, I say.
You think so?
Yes, I say. I really do.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
February 21, 2006
The Postmodern Experience of Air Travel
From a Washington Post article on airline amenities:
"I don't think the airlines need more seats. They need more service that returns some measure of passenger dignity to the postmodern experience of air travel."
Passenger: I'd like a Coke, please.
Flight Attendant: And by "Coke" you mean what, exactly? Assuming that exactitude is feasible in any mode of written or oral communication, a premise that is dubious at best in this fragmented, late-capitalist excuse for a society.
Passenger: I mean Coca-Cola. The soft drink.
Flight Attendant: Oh, so now you want me to embrace a meta-narrative that virtually assures the commodification of our current discourse, with you playing the role of entitled consumer and me assuming the identity of servile provider? You want my locus of control to be external, right?
Passenger: Actually, forget the Coke.
Flight Attendant: We're out of Coke anyway. How about a Sprite?
Passenger: Okay.
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | Email this entry
February 20, 2006
Winter Olympic glossary
Bode: "To Bode" is to whine about the burden of fame, tell everyone how smart you are, and then choke when it matters.
Layback Spin: In figure skating, when a skater spins around a bunch of times until I yawn and turn the channel.
Ice Dancing: Figure skating minus the hard parts. (Even so, that Tanith Belbin sure is cute.)
Biorhythms: What to blame if you're Johnny Weir and you come in fifth.
The Wind: What to blame if you're Lindsey Jacobellis and showing off costs you the gold.
Snowboard Cross: Sounds terrible, actually awesome. Who knew?
Skeleton: 80 miles an hour? Face first? Makes luge look like ice dancing.
Posted by teb at 01:50 PM | Email this entry
February 19, 2006
Posted by teb at 08:38 AM | Email this entry
February 17, 2006
OFF LEASH: Worst in show
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Congratulations to Rufus, the tan-and-white bull terrier who won this year's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Your poise, genetic purity and ability to run around in circles have paid off handsomely. Those English sheepdogs and Scottish deerhounds have nothing on you, my friend. Way to go!
That said, I've never really seen the point of dog shows. All the anxious owners and old-lady judges. Sure, it would be great to hang out with a couple of hundred dogs (oh the many smells!) but, in the end, I can think of plenty of better ways to spend a weekend.
Of course that might be envy talking. My own dubious parentage precludes me from such rarefied competitions. In addition, my right ear doesn't perk up the same way as my left ear, and I know judges frown on minor abnormalities. Furthermore, I would probably bark at the other dogs and try to lick the judge's pants.
On second thought: Screw you, Rufus. You're not so great.
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
February 16, 2006
Amazon reviews
Allow me to recommend the following for your reading pleasure:
Potato trials in Wyoming, 1955
Manual nut splitters for diver use
For those inclined to provide their own reviews for these titles, let me make the following suggestions:
1. Write a positive review.
2. Make it clear that you've never read the book.
3. Actually, there are just two suggestions.
Posted by teb at 10:43 AM | Email this entry
February 15, 2006
Why It's Not Hilarious When Someone -- Even an Old, Rich Republican Lawyer -- Gets Shot in the Face
-- Getting shot in the face hurts.
-- Getting shot in the face can kill you.
-- Getting shot in the face just generally sucks.
-- Getting shot in the face is never funny. Not even a little bit.
-- It's not funny to get shot in the face even if it happened to be the vice president of the United States who did the shooting because getting shot in the face is never funny (see above).
Posted by teb at 01:11 PM | Email this entry
February 14, 2006
Scooter's notes
From CNN:
Prosecutors have asked former vice presidential Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby to help them decipher his handwritten notes for use in an ongoing investigation stemming from the leak of a CIA agent's identity.
Sure, I'm glad to help. I guess I do have pretty lousy handwriting, huh? Should have been a doctor! Ha ha ha. That was a joke, fellas. See, doctors have bad handwriting … nevermind.
Okay, so an important thing to remember is that my "F's" look like "P's" -- always have. Kind of a quirk. For instance, if I were to write the word "Fast" it would look like "Past." See what I mean? Or, to give you a second example, if I were to write the word "Flame" it might look like "Plame" to the untrained eye. That's one thing to keep in mind. Also, I tend to leave out words when I’m taking notes in order to save time. So, if I want to remember to pick up my dry cleaning, I wouldn’t write "Remember to pick up suit from the dry cleaner's." Instead, I would just scribble "Remember dry cleaning." Much easier, don’t you think?
I admit, however, that my little system can be confusing at times. In certain cases, the meaning might even be the opposite of what I actually wrote down. This note here that you point to -- the one that says "Cheney orders me to leak Plame identity to discredit her husband who is accusing the administration of using bogus evidence in order to justify the invasion of Iraq, which was a tragic boondoggle from the very beginning" -- see, I left out the word "not" after "orders me." I must have been in a hurry …
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
February 13, 2006
Possible catchphrases for Harrison Ford's new action movie
"Someone moved my pills!"
"This bathroom doesn't have a grab bar!" *
"My coffee is too hot!" *
"I'm missing Larry King!"
"Speak up!"
"Where's my tapioca?" *
"Get off my lawn!"
"This new Medicare drug plan is confusing!"
"Harrumph!"
(asterisks denote Kellie's contributions)
Posted by teb at 08:15 AM | Email this entry
February 12, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
February 10, 2006
OFF LEASH: On not thinking too much
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Wordsworth warned us that, in our haste to figure out the world, we risk sapping the wonder and pleasure from everyday experience. Or, in his words, "We murder to dissect." Now I doubt someone as bright as Wordsworth literally wanted us to "quit our books," but I think his general point -- i.e., don't over-think -- is a solid one.
For instance, I love to take walks. Why? I don't know. I love to lick floors. I dig holes just because. I enjoy biting on a big, messy ball of yarn. In fact, I could bite on that ball of yarn for hours. And have.
If I were to start thinking about why I do what I do, it might diminish my enjoyment. Even this little essay of mine runs that risk. Which is why I'm going to stop here and go find that yarn.
Posted by teb at 02:54 PM | Email this entry
February 09, 2006
A Quiz: Rupert Murdoch or Satan?
From Agence France-Presse:
News Corp. announced a profit of 1.08 billion dollars in the just-ended quarter, nearly triple the result from the same period a year ago. The media-entertainment giant controlled by Rupert Murdoch said its operating results translated into a profit of 21 cents a share, a penny better than expected by Wall Street analysts.
1. Owns Fox, the Times of London, and the New York Post
2. Rules a spooky underworld of evil spirits
3. Seems bent on destroying good journalism
4. Known for his horns and pitchfork
5. Is worth a reported $6.9-billion
6. Makes babies cry and flowers wither
7. Wields frightening power over TV, film, and publishing industries
8. Prowls the earth, looking for whom he may devour
(Answers 1-8: Rupert Murdoch)
Posted by teb at 07:53 AM | Email this entry
February 08, 2006
What I Learned from the News
From United Press International:
A 24-year-old controversial presidential appointee at NASA has resigned his post amid accusations he lied on his resume about graduating from college. George Deutsch, who told NASA public affairs workers to limit reporters' access to a top climate scientist and ordered the word "theory" be inserted on every mention of the Big Bang, resigned Tuesday ...
What I Learned: It's best to insert the word "idiot" after every mention of George Deutsch.
From CBC News:
A private eye was charged in Los Angeles on Monday with wiretapping stars such as Sylvester Stallone and Keith Carradine and bribing a police officer for dirt on Hollywood figures.
What I Learned: Apparently Keith Carradine is a star.
From BBC News:
However, some of the strongest protests against the cartoons have come from imams who are part of the government's integration think tank. "We want the newspaper to promise that this will never happen again, or this will never stop," said imam Ahmad Akkari of the Islamic Faith Society.What I Learned: Others share my violent hatred of Garfield.
Posted by teb at 12:30 PM | Email this entry
February 07, 2006
A Sick Man's To-Do List
Scatter balled-up tissues throughout house.
Swig NyQuil like it's lemonade.
Nap.
Watch Oprah.
Write kind of half-assed Minor Tweaks entry.
Nap again.
-----
Important Mystery Peanut Update: The current high bid for "mystery peanut" is now $11.50. There are only four short hours remaining in this auction. Remember: This item is one-of-a-kind.
Another Important Mystery Peanut Update: We have a winner! Congratulations, miraja2! And a steal, too, at just $14.50! Here's a fourth sentence with an exclamation point!
Posted by teb at 02:57 PM | Email this entry
February 06, 2006
A Sick Man's Plea
Me: Kill me.
Kellie: No.
Me: Come on.
Kellie: You just have a cold. You'll be fine.
-----
Me: Would you hire someone to kill me?
Kellie: No.
Me: Would you provide the means by which I can kill myself?
Kellie: I don't think so.
-----
Me: I have a request.
Kellie: I wonder what that could be.
Me: I was hoping you would kill me.
Kellie: Hmm ... I'll take that under advisement.
-----
Me: Please kill me.
Kellie: Okay.
Me: Really?
Kellie: No.
Posted by teb at 06:36 AM | Email this entry
February 05, 2006
Posted by teb at 12:53 PM | Email this entry
February 03, 2006
OFF LEASH: Mot juste
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was chewing on a jerky treat recently when I was reminded of a quote by Benjamin Franklin: "A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two different things." Hmm, yes, indeed. Wait -- no they're not. Which, now that I think about it, may be his point. Perhaps Mr. Franklin is simply demonstrating the importance of choosing the right word.
For instance, I do not jump up on people; rather, I greet them with affection. I do not chase squirrels like a crazy dog; instead, I pursue trespassers with enthusiasm. I do not whine; I implore. I do not bark; I alert. And so on.
Being able to dress-up one's actions in appropriate verbal raiment is a useful skill. Sometimes, however, a spade must be called by its name. For example, the cats I live with are lazy as hell. I'm sorry but there's just no other way to say it.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
February 02, 2006
Mystery Peanut
The previous eBay auction was a rousing success. Or if not "rousing" at least decent: Our jar of dryer lint was purchased by a very friendly woman from Redwood City, California, named Suzanne. She outbid three people and walked away with both the jar and the lint for the low, low price of $5.50. Congratulations to her. I have no doubt that her life has been ... enriched.
I have similarly high hopes for this auction. It's everything you could possibly want in an item. I mean, it's got mystery AND it's got peanuts. Both. Together. You just can't go wrong.
Posted by teb at 08:12 AM | Email this entry
February 01, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Clorox Dual-Action Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Dear Clorox,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy Clorox Dual-Action Toilet Bowl Cleaner. By harnessing the combined cleansing power of hydrogen peroxide and formic acid, Clorox has created a truly powerful weapon in the ongoing war against toilet-bowl grime. Nice!
Also, I really like the unique, two-chambered bottle. I was wondering, though: What about a three-chambered bottle? There's probably something else you could put in the third chamber. I don't what, though -- that's your job!
Keep it up!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
Thank you for contacting us about Clorox Dual Action Toilet Bowl Cleaner. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.
Knowing that you like our product is important, and because we value the generous comments you have shared with us, we are sending via US Mail, a complimentary coupon for your next purchase. You may expect to receive it in 7 - 10 business days.
Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
Vikki Whyte
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry