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March 31, 2006
OFF LEASH: On found food
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
What is food to one is to others bitter poison. Lucretius, the Roman poet and philosopher, said that. It's a fine point, as far as it goes, but I'd like to offer my own twist: What is food to one is to others -- apparently -- kind of gross.
For example, when I'm on my walk, I have been known to find chicken bones with meat still on them. How these tasty tidbits ended up on the sidewalk I'll never know. Neither do I particularly care about their origin. What I do know is that the discovery of the aforementioned bone/rotting meat is often the highlight of an otherwise humdrum afternoon.
And yet, without fail, I am ordered to "drop" this heavenly manna. If I decline, my jaws are pried apart and the succulent morsel is forcibly removed and discarded. As if this weren't enough, I am then scolded for my alleged poor behavior. To which I say: That sucks.
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry
March 30, 2006
Poor Jack
From the Cleveland Plain Dealer on the sentencing of former lobbyist Jack Abramoff:
"I am much chastened and profoundly remorseful," Abramoff said. "I can only hope that the almighty and those whom I have wronged will forgive me my trespasses."
He added: "And by 'trespasses' I mean a series of jaw-droppingly brazen crimes that took place over the course of many years and which, of course, I would still be committing had I not been caught. You'll also notice that I allude to the Bible in my public statements of contrition: This is a time-honored strategy and it lends an air of respectability to otherwise shameful admissions. It 'classes up' a confession. It's also a coded shout-out to people of faith everywhere. I'm hoping that none of them think 'Hey, where was all this God talk when he was raking in millions by bribing journalists and government officials, screwing over Indian tribes, and generally doing everything he could to accumulate wealth and power regardless of whom he hurt?' But at least I'm not an atheist! That's something, isn't it? For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. See, I did it again! Another Bible verse! Never mind that deception and double-dealing have long been my stock-in-trade. Never mind that my willingness to cooperate with prosecutors also helps shorten my prison sentence. I am completely sincere. I am a new man. God bless you all."
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Also, have you ever wondered if Tom Bartlett has opinions on various brands of toasters? Well, wonder no more.
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
March 29, 2006
Songs that are probably not on Katie's iPod
From The Sun:
Tom Cruise has given Katie Holmes an iPod with calming tunes to help her stay silent during childbirth.
-- "Beyond Belief" (Elvis Costello & The Attractions)
-- "What's Going Ahn" (Big Star)
-- "We're Not Right" (David Gray)
-- "Hell No, I Ain't Happy" (Drive-by Truckers)
-- "I Threw it All Away" (Bob Dylan)
-- "Regret" (New Order)
-- "Get on Out" (Soul Asylum)
-- "Get Up & Get Out" (Iggy Pop)
-- "Get Free" (The Vines)
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
March 28, 2006
The list of demands my advance team sends to hotels before I arrive
-- The curtains in Tom's room should not close completely. He likes to be awakened by a harsh shaft of sunlight across his face.
-- Remove the batteries from the remote control (or insert dead ones). Tom prefers to change channels the old-fashioned way.
-- If you put an alarm clock in the room, find one that's nearly impossible to set. Tom enjoys a challenge.
-- The temperature in the room should be either sweltering or arctic. Nothing in-between will do.
-- The bedding should smell vaguely of other people's sweat. Tom finds this comforting.
-- Tom likes little bottles of shampoo and very small pieces of soap. The tinier, the better.
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
March 27, 2006
AMAZON REVIEWS: Electronics in railway signalling
Our previous book, "Responses of young slash pine on poorly drained to somewhat poorly drained silt loam soils to site preparation and fertilization treatments," received mixed reviews. Dr. Rocks thought it was must for soilologists, while Robert Horning found it underwhelming. Betty, on the other hand, yearned for more bulging manhood.
Fair enough. But it's important to remember that poorly drained silt loam soils are one thing, while electronics in railway signalling are something else. Let me draw your attention to "Use of electronics in railway signalling: Results of the measurement and analysis of transmission error structures for various transmission media and interference sources." What the title lacks in brevity it more than makes up in wordiness. Enjoy.
Posted by teb at 08:36 AM | Email this entry
March 26, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
March 24, 2006
OFF LEASH: On confession
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Open confession is good for the soul. Or so says a Scottish proverb. This is an idea that American pop culture has certainly embraced. If you've done something wrong -- hired a prostitute, bribed a senator, faked a memoir -- the best remedy is to bare your soul and take your lumps on national television. Admission, preferably in prime time, is the first step toward absolution.
I'm not sure I buy all that. Even so, there is value in honesty. And, as it happens, I have a confession of my own. Here it is: I sleep upstairs sometimes. This is not allowed. In fact, I'm never supposed to be upstairs. Yet, once everyone is in bed, I pad softly up the stairs and settle down in the hallway. Why do I do this? I don't know. Maybe I like getting away with something.
This is not a felony, of course. When you think of what I could be doing -- jumping up on people or chasing the cats -- it hardly seems like a problem. But I know it's not okay. I also know there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Posted by teb at 11:13 AM | Email this entry
March 23, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Febreze Scentstories
Dear Febreze,
First of all, I want to say how much I like the idea of Febreze Scentstories. With varieties such as "Exploring a Mountain Trail" and "Strolling through the Garden," your product does more than freshen the air: It also tells a story. I like that.
I have a suggestion. You say that Febreze Scentstories are better than candles. While I'm sure that's true, I'm not certain you really drive the point home to the consumer. Candles are dangerous. You might accidentally burn down the house with them. Scentstories, however, are safe; they almost certainly won't kill you. Consider this slogan: "All The Stink-Killing Power Of Candles Without The Extreme Danger Of Fire."
Just a thought. Keep up the fine-smelling work!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Thanks for contacting us about Febreze Scentstories, Tom.
We're glad you like Febreze and we really appreciate the creative suggestion you've offered to us. To be honest, we rely on outside advertising agencies to develop concepts and plans.
Thanks for thinking of us, though!
Linda
Febreze Team
P.S. Introducing... Febreze NOTICEables. It's a new air freshener that automatically alternates between two complementary scents for long-lasting freshness. So with each change of scent, the freshness is renewed. Go to our website at www.noticeables.com to learn more. Try Febreze NOTICEables and make the switch for good!
Posted by teb at 09:36 AM | Email this entry
March 22, 2006
What I learned from President Bush's news conference
And no question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that.
Ah, so it's the violence that's causing it ... now I understand.
QUESTION: ... Social Security. (LAUGHTER) BUSH: Wait a minute. Please no hand gestures. (LAUGHTER) Social Security — it didn't get done. You'll notice it wasn't on the list. (LAUGHTER)
The White House apparently pumps nitrous oxide into the press room.
Now, sometimes I like the size of the pie; sometimes I didn't particularly the slices within the pie. And so one way to deal with the slices in the pie is to give the president the line-item veto.
Another is to eat them.
Posted by teb at 11:16 AM | Email this entry
March 21, 2006
Never meanin' no harm
From an E! Online article about the arrest of Tom Wopat, former star of "The Dukes of Hazzard," on suspicion of drunk driving:
Wopat was behind the wheel of a Ford Bronco when he struck some orange traffic cones and nearly slammed into a Ringwood police vehicle at the scene of an unrelated accident.
Police then pursued Wopat down a winding country road as he weaved expertly in and out of traffic. Witnesses heard Wopat whooping excitedly as his car flew around curves and over hills, seeming to almost flatten them. At one point, Wopat handed the wheel to an accomplice -- later identified as his cousin -- and climbed out of the vehicle while it was still moving. Wopat then jumped onto another vehicle, retrieved a stolen bag filled with gold bars, before returning to his own vehicle. The pursuit ended when Wopat drove off a ramp and over a small lake. Police attempted to follow him but were unable to clear the water.
Wopat was arrested later at his rural home and charged with reckless driving. He was also charged with possession of a deadly weapon after exploding arrows were found in the vehicle. Wopat, who has been in trouble with the law since the day he was born, remained defiant. "I'm making my way the only way I know how," he said. When asked for comment, the sheriff responded simply "Jit, jit."
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
March 20, 2006
Cute overloaded
Cute: A sleeping kitten
Cuter: Several kittens sleeping in a basket
Cutest: Several kittens sleeping in a basket held by Reese Witherspoon
Cute: A panda
Cuter: A panda wearing a top hat
Cutest: A panda wearing a top hat and twirling a ruby-studded cane
Cute: A baby
Cuter: A smiling baby
Cutest: A smiling baby atop a miniature carriage being pulled by a team of bunnies
Cute: A button
Cuter: A little button
Cutest: A button so little that, at first glance, it appears to be a flea or a speck of dust but upon further inspection is confirmed to be an extremely small and completely useless button. But cute. Very, very cute.
Posted by teb at 09:58 AM | Email this entry
March 19, 2006
Posted by teb at 12:23 PM | Email this entry
March 17, 2006
OFF LEASH: On wasting time
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was sniffing a particularly fragrant running shoe recently when I happened to recall a quote from Bertrand Russell: "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." Russell spouted more than his share of nonsense during his long life, but on this count he was spot on. Right-o, Bertie! Right-o.
Of course, what's enjoyable to me might not be to you. The shoe sniffing, for example. Or the desk licking. Not everyone likes to dig random holes in the yard. Even fewer attempt to dig holes in the couch. This is just as well because attempting to dig holes in the couch is usually greeted with raised voices and the stern wagging of index fingers. I'm not saying you shouldn't try it; I’m just saying you should be prepared for a less-than-positive reaction.
There does come a time, though, when we need to get down to business. There is work that must be done, tasks that must be completed. Those trucks aren't going to bark at themselves.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
March 16, 2006
He missed again
From a BBC News article on the announcement that Phil Collins and his third wife are divorcing:
"A statement released by them said they had been 'growing apart for some time now and this has put too much pressure on their relationship.'"
The statement continued: "While Mr. Collins pleaded for just one more night, in the end they decided it would be best to live separate lives. Against all odds, the couple plan to remain friends for the sake of the children. While the relationship was not just another day in paradise, they continue to respect each other. However, their love is no longer the groovy kind, proving that an easy lover can become a difficult spouse. 'Something happened on the way to heaven,' the couple said through a spokesman. 'That's just the way it is.'
"Mr. Collins said he hoped the divorce would be amicable and she would not sussudio him."
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
March 15, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Francis Bacon
"Satin in a Coffin" (Modest Mouse): I believed artists should deepen the mystery. This song accomplishes that; I have no clue what it's about.
"The Little Black Train" (The Carter Family): It may be here tonight. Set your business right.
"Mr. Rabbit" (Burl Ives): Even sweet old Burl Ives can't make this song any less terrifying.
"Rise & Shine" (The Cardigans): The aural equivalent of lemonade. Good lemonade, too -- not that Country Time crap.
"Riot Van" (Arctic Monkeys): The hype? Go ahead and believe it.
"On the Bus Mall" (The Decembrists): I usually cringe when the word "cinematic" is used to describe non-visual media. But, in this case, it actually applies.
"Hey" (Pixies): It must be a devil between us or whores in my head. One or the other.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
March 14, 2006
The Ann Coulter Quiz
From a feature in April's Esquire in which semi-famous women give men romantic advice:
"Ann Coulter: When we're telling you about our day, pretend there's going to be a quiz later."
1. For breakfast, did I have ...
a.) eggs and toast
b.) strawberry yogurt
c.) an English muffin
d.) the still-beating heart of a newborn lamb washed down with the bitter tears of the world's poor
2. Did I research my next column by ...
a.) considering others' opinions before reaching my own
b.) engaging in civil discussion with a friend
c.) meditating on what really matters
d.) recycling the same jingoistic nonsense, but inserting different racially offensive epithets and new historical inaccuracies
3.) How did I spend the rest of my day?
a.) Apologizing profusely for making our nation's discourse less reasoned and more hateful
b.) Scolding myself mercilessly for appealing to the comfortable prejudices of the least-thoughtful among us
c.) Searching my soul for some lonely glimmer of humanity
d.) none of the above
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
March 13, 2006
THE BACKS OF STRANGERS' HEADS: St. Patrick's Day parade edition
Posted by teb at 08:14 AM | Email this entry
March 12, 2006
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An opinion has been added.
Posted by teb at 08:15 AM | Email this entry
March 10, 2006
OFF LEASH: On quotes
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I often begin my little columns with a quote. I find that another's words can serve as a useful guide; that, in wrestling with their thoughts, I discover my own.
Of course I don't need to begin with a quote. I am perfectly capable of spinning out a few choice lines without milking the wisdom of the ancients. In this way, I am self-sufficient. In other ways, I am not. For instance, I cannot open my wet-food packets or refill my water bowl. Likewise, I cannot let myself outside, though I can signal my desire with a low whine and some gentle pawing at the door. If need be I can even growl.
The point is, while the quotes are helpful, they are not necessary. They are a tool rather than a crutch. Which puts me in mind of something Samuel Johnson once said: "A man may write at any time, if he will set himself doggedly to it."
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
March 09, 2006
Wal-Mart: What's not to love?
The New York Times ran an article this week on how Wal-Mart courts bloggers, feeding them "insider" news in hopes that they will paint a rosy picture of the corporate giant. Some bloggers, apparently, have quoted Wal-Mart press releases verbatim without revealing their source. This, the article implies, is a questionable ethical practice.
I have to agree. One should not pass off corporate spin as personal opinion. Then again, one can hardly blame bloggers for getting excited about Wal-Mart's commitment to offering customers the best possible value. They always have the low price. Always. What's more, their blue-vested associates are eager to help or simply offer a warm smile when you need one.
Some in the so-called "news media" have criticized Wal-Mart for mistreating its employees, benefiting from sweatshop labor overseas, and generally getting extremely rich from other people's misery. To that I say: Silly critics! What do they know?
P.S. Attention Wal-Mart executives: If you liked this entry, drop me a line at tombartlett (at) gmail. Maybe we can work something out. ;)
P.P.S. The semi-colon in front of the parenthesis is a virtual wink. I'm implying that you could bribe me or something. Just want to make sure we're clear on that. Thanks.
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
March 08, 2006
Suggested titles for Alan Greenspan's forthcoming memoir, for which he has been paid approximately ten hundred zillion dollars
-- Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe: The Secrets Of Successful Investing
-- Big Words, Bigger Glasses
-- All About The Benjamins: My Mind On Your Money And Your Money On My Mind
-- Fed Up
-- A Sleep-Inducing Work Of Economic Genius
Posted by teb at 10:50 AM | Email this entry
March 07, 2006
What I Learned from the News
From a Chicago Tribune article on a domestic dispute between new age superstar Yanni and his girlfriend:
Manalapan Police Chief Clay Walker said Yanni has never been a problem.
The chief is misinformed. Yanni has long been a problem.
From a Washington Post article about how much President Bush loves the rug in the Oval Office:
"You know an interesting story about the rug?" he asked. "Laura designed the rug."
Add "interesting" and "story" to the list of words he doesn't know.
From a Los Angeles Times article on a survey about business meetings:
"When people are less task focused," says Rogelberg, "they allow the objectives of the day to emerge more naturally, so an interruption from a meeting is not so disruptive."
I would think up a one-line response to this article, but I'm less task focused this morning.
Posted by teb at 11:37 AM | Email this entry
March 06, 2006
Academy Awards fashion round-up
What's more fun than finding out who wins? Seeing what they wear, natch! In case you nodded off early (and who can blame you, really?) here's a round-up:
Heath Ledger: The "Brokeback Mountain" star didn't win best actor, but he was well-dressed in a tuxedo.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Ledger's fellow sheepherder, who also walked away empty-handed, paraded down the red carpet in a black-and-white tuxedo.
Steven Spielberg: The director of "Munich" wore a regular tie rather than a bow-tie with his tuxedo. I thought he pulled it off.
Jon Stewart: "Daily Show" host Stewart also wore a regular tie rather than a bow-tie with his tuxedo. It worked for him, too.
George Clooney: Mr. Clooney, who won best supporting actor for his role in "Syriana," donned a tuxedo.
Jack Nicholson: Mr. Hollywood himself presented the best-picture award to "Crash," a surprise winner over "Brokeback," while sporting a tuxedo.
Also, most of the women wore gowns.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
March 05, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
March 03, 2006
OFF LEASH: On patience
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Patience, according to Cato the Elder, is the greatest of all virtues. If we are to take him seriously -- and with a name like "Cato the Elder" we probably have to -- then patience trumps kindness, loyalty, goodness, courage, even love. It is to be desired and admired above all other traits.
This gives me pause. My own ability to delay gratification is, to put it mildly, underdeveloped. When I am hungry, I am hungry right now. When I am ready to go for a walk, I want to go not in ten minutes, not in five minutes, but this very moment. If I get the urge to run around like a crazy dog, I do not hesitate to act on that urge. I do not put it off until tomorrow. Rather, I immediately begin running around like a crazy dog.
What I see as an eagerness to embrace life, Cato the Elder might deem a dearth of patience. Then again, it's easy to be patient when you're dead.
Posted by teb at 11:08 AM | Email this entry
March 02, 2006
Squirrels, humidifiers and high school
I like to help. That's why every fortnight or so I scan the list of search terms that have led hapless readers to this humble site. Then I make a good faith effort to answer those queries as sincerely and completely as I can. Is it hard work? Yes. Do I get paid for it? No. Is asking yourself questions and then answering them an annoying tic? Yes. Indeed, it is.
Here you go:
-- "getting drunk off a humidifier"
Um ... I don’t know, dude. Allow me to suggest gasoline huffing (though I suspect you've tried that already).
-- “technical term for cheese lover”
Cheesehead, maybe? That, or “philatelist.”
-- “why not?”
Because I said so.
-- “squirrels on a leash”
Multiple squirrels? On the same leash? That does sound interesting. Let me know what you find.
-- “high school how to impress someone”
Okay, this one I can answer. If you want to impress someone in high school, just be yourself. So what if you’re a little dorky? People in high school will accept you for the person you really are inside. They don’t care about "being cool” or “fitting in.” How you dress doesn’t matter. Neither does being good at sports. It's all about being the very best you that ...
Seriously, just hold your breath until college. It's much better there.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
March 01, 2006
A few guesses about what Ice-T really said
A quote from rapper/actor/hustler/former pimp Ice-T in a Washington Post article on the Smithsonian's new hip-hop project:
"I'm so happy right now," he said as he finished his speech, "because when somebody comes and asks me about my music and about hip-hop, I can say, 'Take your [flipping hindquarters] to the museum, all right?"
-- damnable backsides
-- doggone rumps
-- foredoomed posteriors
-- reprehensible fannies [note to British readers: That's "fanny" in the American sense.]
-- accursed haunches
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry