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April 30, 2006
Posted by teb at 12:32 PM | Email this entry
April 28, 2006
OFF LEASH: On gratitude
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I have been known to beg. When someone is eating nearby, I stare up at them with large, sad eyes. I may even whimper quietly for effect.
This behavior is deemed unacceptable by some. I have been scolded repeatedly and reminded that there is plenty of food in my dish. True enough, but that's not the food I'm interested in at the moment. I eat that food all the time; it is bland and familiar. I want the food you're eating right now. Thus, the begging.
I should note that, on occasion, a morsel is slipped to me surreptitiously. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I am grateful. Truly, truly grateful. And in the words of French Catholic philosopher Jacques Maritain: Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy.
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry
April 27, 2006
Suspicious Out-of-Office Replies
I'll be gone from 4/24 to 5/1. I won't be responding to e-mails because I'll be ... busy with ... stuff.
I will be on sabbatical for a year, minus time served.
I am out this week attending a "conference" in "Chicago." I will "get back to you" when I return.
I will be traveling until May 10. If you need immediate assistance, please contact my assistant/mistress, Joanne.
I am out of the office Monday. I will return Tuesday and no one shall be the wiser.
Posted by teb at 07:52 AM | Email this entry
April 26, 2006
Books Report
-- From MSNBC News on the plagiarism controversy over "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life":
"When I was writing, I genuinely believed each word was my own," Viswanathan said in an interview on NBC’s "Today" show.
Sequel: "How Opal Mehta Got Sued, Pulled From Bookshelves, And Deserved It."
-- From BBC News on a speech by "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown:
During the event Brown said he often uses a pair of gravity boots during writing, finding it easier to work out difficult plot points while dangling upside down.
So that's how you write crappy, pseudo-historical genre fiction. Good to know.
-- Snoop Dogg's spokeswoman on the rapper's forthcoming novel, via BBC News:
"Books speak more to a female audience than does his music, so these novels give him an opportunity to show, particularly his female fans, another side."
Books are for chicks. For shizzle.
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | Email this entry
April 25, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Associated Press on Larry Bird’s new wine:
Bird's spokeswoman says the basketball great has been dabbling in growing grapes since retiring from the Celtics.
Hmm ... do I detect a hint of vanilla?
-- Bill Frist, via CNN:
"There is no silver bullet," Frist said Tuesday.
The senator, however, remains worried about wooden stakes and holy water.
-- Headline on Google News:
Envoy warns against Israel-Palestine rift
Yeah, that would be bad.
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
April 24, 2006
Interrogation Log: Stalag 13
10:45 Detainees awakened. Detainee Hogan is questioned by SGT S. Detainee Hogan makes witty retort, steals helmet.
11:00 Helmet returned to SGT S.
11:35 Detainee Hogan gives a package of nylons to COL K's secretary, Hilda. "I haven't had nylons for months!" she exclaims. "Well, I hear there's a war on," Detainee Hogan responds dryly. They kiss.
Read the rest on Opium.
Also, an opinion has been added.
Posted by teb at 10:03 AM | Email this entry
April 23, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry
April 21, 2006
OFF LEASH: On prejudice
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
William James, philosopher and brother of novelist Henry, wrote that many people "think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." I take him to mean that our prejudices are so ingrained that, while we may modify them somewhat, it's difficult to dispose of them entirely.
This is true in my own life. For instance, my general feeling toward cats is one of suspicion. I have been the victim of repeated swatting and hissing -- all with little or no provocation. And yet not every cat has treated me with aggression and disdain. The neighbor's cat, Ricky, always seems pleased to see me. He rubs against my legs, purrs, and flops on his back so that I may sniff him. He seems neither threatened nor irritated by my presence.
So perhaps my anti-cat bias is unjustified. Not every last domestic feline is out to get me and the friendly neighbor cat is proof. Unless, of course, it's all part of an elaborate ruse to convince me to drop my guard so he can get in one solid, open-clawed swat.
You never know with these cats.
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
April 20, 2006
Suggested headlines for articles about the recently announced ABBA movie
Take a Chance on ... Movie?
Dancing Queen to Film Scenes
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme an ABBA movie!
Does Your Mother Know -- About the New ABBA Movie?
Lay All Your Love (and a New Film) on Me
ABBA to Make Movie, Movie, Movie
Posted by teb at 10:12 AM | Email this entry
April 19, 2006
FEATURED CHEESE: Gruyere Special Reserve
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
Gruyere Special Reserve is a stiff, onion-y, piquant cheese. It’s the sort of cheese you want to nibble rather than gobble. Leave me alone with a block of Bergenost and, when you return, it will be gone and I will be guilty. Not so with Gruyere Special Reserve. That’s a distinction, not a criticism: This is good cheese to be taken in small doses.
I sampled GSR at Whole Foods before I bought it. Next to the cheese, there were two unmarked containers of toothpicks. In one container, the toothpicks were neatly stacked. In the other, they were jumbled. Everyone assumes, I suppose, that the neatly stacked toothpicks are new and the jumbled toothpicks are used. But what if it's the other way around? What if everyone takes a toothpick from the jumbled pile, uses it, and then places it very carefully alongside the neatly stacked toothpicks?
It probably wouldn't happen. But, still, you can never be too careful.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
April 18, 2006
The McDonald's Story
From the San Jose Mercury News on McDonald’s new campaign to improve its image:
"I wouldn't call it a campaign,” McDonald's Chief Executive Jim Skinner said Monday in announcing the global promotion. “We need to do a better job telling our story.''
Once upon a time, there was an enormous fast-food chain. They sold billions and billions of hamburgers made from questionable beef. They also sold french fries made with artery-clogging trans fatty acids. The company aggressively marketed to children, offering toys to entice them to eat its unhealthy food. Even though it made lots of money, the company didn't pay its workers enough to live on. If these workers complained or attempted to form a union, the company fired them or closed down that restaurant.
After a while, people got mad about all of this. So the company said "Hey, we're going to sell salads too! We'll even put mandarin oranges on them!"
That made everything better. The end.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
April 17, 2006
AMAZON REVIEWS: Rainfall rates
In the last edition, Jerry McLellan put forth a compelling investigative report on the Estonian Brotherhood of Canal Operators. It was brave of him to speak so honestly and openly about the IUR's tactics; we all know what happens to its critics. Good luck, Jerry, and watch your back.
The latest offering -- "Rainfall rates and the vertical distribution of diabatic heating components over tropical oceans semiannual status report, September 1, 1993 - 28 February 1994" -- should be no less controversial.
Posted by teb at 10:48 AM | Email this entry
April 16, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
April 14, 2006
OFF LEASH: On expectations
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
It is said that little things often bring the greatest pleasure. The most famous of all German writers, Goethe, acknowledged as much when he wrote the following: "It is unpleasant to miss even the most trifling thing that we have become accustomed to."
Before bedtime each night, I make one final trip to the backyard. First I prance around the perimeter, scouting for trouble. I then proceed to the area between the fence and the newly planted pear trees; it is here that I take care of my business. Afterward, I am given a treat.
Sometimes, however, the expected treat fails to be proffered. In such cases I am not shy about making my feelings known with whining, pawing, or some combination of the two. Because, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing trifling about it.
Posted by teb at 08:43 AM | Email this entry
April 13, 2006
MT World Factbook
While most Minor Tweaks readers live in the United States, a goodly number hail from the U.K., a country known for strong black tea and supporting our misguided foreign policy.
In addition, there are plenty of readers from other countries, including Guatemala, South Korea, Slovenia, and Burkina Faso. To them, and everyone else, I say welcome. I'd also like to present some little-known facts about a few of those countries as my way of saying thanks.
The Netherlands: To understand the Netherlands, it's important to look at the name itself, which is a combination of "nether" meaning "beneath or below" and "land" meaning "ocean." The entire country is actually underwater.
Romania: Citizens of Romania, known as Romaniacs, are known for their tasty pies.
Austria: Famous for its kangaroos and steakhouses.
Spain: There are no plains in Spain. That is a myth. Another myth is that the Spanish like it when you sneak up and pinch them real hard. In fact, they hate that.
Chile: Surprisingly warm.
If you happen to be a high school or college student, feel free to use any of these facts in a research paper. I don't mind.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
April 12, 2006
Benefits of joining the nuclear club
From The Guardian:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran's hardline president, trumpeted the development in a speech last night. "Dear Iran has joined the club of nuclear countries," he said in the holy city of Mashhad.
-- One-year subscription to Nuke News magazine
-- Bumper sticker that says "Ask Me About Enriching Uranium"
-- Access to gym, weight room, and pool
-- 10 percent discount on long-range ballistic missiles
-- Ability to wipe Israel off the face of the earth
Posted by teb at 09:19 AM | Email this entry
April 11, 2006
What I Learned from the News
From BBC News:
Students in France are planning a day of action on Tuesday as they celebrate the defeat of a law introducing flexible youth employment.
Our violent protests have killed an entirely reasonable piece of legislation that might have helped lower an outrageous and economically crippling unemployment rate! C'est magnifique, non?
From Reuters:
Bank of America Corp. on Monday said it will eliminate 1,900 jobs by closing three call centers by year end, as part of its integration of credit card issuer MBNA Corp.
Press "0" if you would like to speak with a customer service recording.
Al Hunt, of Bloomberg, interviewing Hillary Clinton:
HUNT: You're convinced that your husband never engaged in any similar leaks. CLINTON: Not that I'm aware of. Look, everybody leaks. HUNT: No ... CLINTON: I mean, everybody leaks. I know that.
Finally, something we can all agree on.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
April 10, 2006
The Seven-Day Emotional Forecast
Monday: Partly amused
Tuesday: Slight chance of regret
Wednesday: Scattered outbursts
Thursday: Milder
Friday: Unseasonably angry
Saturday: Disappointment mixed with apathy
Sunday: Mostly okay
Posted by teb at 07:14 AM | Email this entry
April 09, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
April 07, 2006
OFF LEASH: On baths
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Cleanliness and godliness have long been linked. Christian theologian John Wesley believed the two are next to each other; a couple of centuries earlier, Francis Bacon wrote that bodily cleanness is due to divine reverence. The concept of ablution is older still, going back to the Torah, in which ritual washing is prescribed for removing spiritual impurities.
I was thinking about this during my monthly bath. In the summer, I am subjected to a backyard hosing-off; in colder seasons, I am carried upstairs and placed in the tub. I often make a half-hearted escape attempt (the sound of running water frightens me) but my resistance is brief and futile. In the end, I emerge dripping and defeated, whereupon I scuttle downstairs.
If this is the price for godliness, I suppose it must be paid. Still, I can't help but wonder what the devil has to offer.
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
April 06, 2006
How to enliven an extremely dull anecdote by employing creative literary techniques (part two)
Use multiple exclamation points and random underlining:
I recently bought some tomato cages for my garden!!! But I forgot about the cages I bought last year!!! Now I have way too many tomato cages!!! What will I do with them all?!?! I guess I could return them, but they don't cost that much!!! I'll probably just keep them!!!
Add unnecessary adjectives and adverbs:
I recently bought some amazing tomato cages for my terrific garden. But I totally forgot about the super cages I purchased suddenly last year. What ever will I do with them all? I guess I could return them angrily, but they don't cost that damn much. I'll probably just quietly keep them forever.
Lie:
I recently bought some tomato cages for my garden. But I forgot about the cages I bought last year. Now I have way too many tomato cages. So I entered the extra tomato cages in a prestigious art show where they won numerous accolades and sold for a ridiculous sum. Apparently I am to tomato cages what Marcel Duchamp was to the urinal. How about that?
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
April 05, 2006
What I Learned from the News
From a Reuters article on Saddam Hussein's trial:
"Dressed in a black suit and white shirt, Hussein appeared relaxed throughout Wednesday's questioning, frequently shooting grins at chief prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi, and even reciting a short bit of poetry to the judge."
Dang me, dang me/they oughta take a rope and hang me.
President Bush, via the Chicago Tribune, on Tom DeLay's resignation:
"My own judgment is that our party will continue to succeed because we are the party of ideas," Bush said.
Bad ideas, but ideas nonetheless.
Barry Bonds, via mlb.com, on his recent troubles:
"I have so much on my shoulders, so much weight on my back, that constantly climbing that hill is getting harder and harder. But I'm going to climb it no matter what."
Maybe there's a hill-climbing pill he could take ...
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
April 04, 2006
Seek and ye shall find
A fair number of people -- for reasons that remain unclear -- actually visit Minor Tweaks on purpose. Others, however, stumble onto the site via a search engine. I feel bad for them. That's why, from time to time, I attempt to provide the information they were looking for. It's my way of giving something back to the community. It's the least I can do. Seriously: I could do so much more.
Here are your answers, in one word or less:
"how many regular-sized black holes would it take to circle the earth"
Four.
"nyquil getting drunk?"
Absolutely.
"im urinating little slivers"
Ouch.
"how to make e-mail letters in color"
Don't.
"getting shot hurts"
Indeed.
"white house useless"
Agreed.
Posted by teb at 09:52 AM | Email this entry
April 03, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Get car washed. Pay $16.50 for the "Full Happy Wash" mostly for the fun of saying "Full Happy Wash, please."
Attempt to buy grapes at nearby organic co-op. Put them back after realizing they're six dollars a pound. SIX DOLLARS! A POUND!
Enjoy some popcorn.
Drag bag of peat moss from one side of yard to the other.
Begin reading article about Teri Hatcher in Vanity Fair. Stop after remembering that life is finite.
Remove splinter from foot with tweezers. Curse wooden floors.
Scatter grass seed on lawn.
Watch birds eat recently scattered grass seed.
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
April 02, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:45 AM | Email this entry