« April 2006 | Main | June 2006 »
May 31, 2006
Seek and ye shall find (or not)
People on the Internet want to know two things:
1. The difference between humidifiers and dehumidifiers.
2. How to summarize an article.
Fortunately, I can help on both the former and latter counts.
This month, 28 people have come to Minor Tweaks after typing the word "dog" into a search engine. Not a certain breed, not a question about how to bathe or train or anything else. Just the word "dog." To them, and everyone else, I say: Um, welcome.
-- "teenagers using the internet"
They are?!? Quick, someone call Stone Phillips.
-- "attitude of dogs when they get haircut"
Surly yet resigned.
-- "opinions on toasters by tom bartlette"
I like the extra "e" at the end of my name. It's classy.
-- "got to get out of my coconut tree"
Wow, Wi-Fi is everywhere these days.
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
May 30, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Birds
Pros:
-- Good for watching
-- Useful as metaphors
-- Edible
Cons:
-- Too chirpy
-- Too pecky
-- Get all up in your trees
Posted by teb at 09:54 AM | Email this entry
May 29, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From The New York Times on John Kerry still trying to prove he was in Cambodia or whatever:
"They gave me a hat," Mr. Kerry says. "I have the hat to this day," he declares, rising to pull it from his briefcase. "I have the hat."
Ah yes, the hat. Good. I guess that settles it. I mean, he has the hat -- what more do you want? (Please don't run again. Please.)
-- From ohmynews.com:
What would you do if you were invisible? To many people this is a fun question to throw around in the presence of friends. For some, the answer might be related to satisfying a lusty dream; for others the answer might steer more towards getting sweet and covert retribution; while still for others the answer might lead to sly plans for imperceptible financial gain.
Order now and receive "The Secret to Imperceptible Financial Gain" absolutely free!
-- From The Los Angeles Times on the power of charisma:
"If you were living in [medieval times] and every few years a marauding tribe would come through and kill and rape everyone and burn your village," Westen says, "you would tend to look to someone who is big and strong and willing to protect you."
Or, like, move.
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry
May 28, 2006
Posted by teb at 02:28 PM | Email this entry
May 26, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the impossible
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said that "you must do the thing which you think you cannot do." It was in this spirit that I attempted yesterday to squeeze myself through the locked metal gate on our back door. I was excited -- perhaps overly so -- about my impending walk and impatient for the gate to be opened.
This was, in retrospect, unwise. Only my head will fit through the bars. I immediately became aware of this unfortunate fact and attempted to extricate myself from the gate's cold, unforgiving grip. I found that I could not. This was, in a word, distressing. After some wriggling and with a bit of assistance, I was eventually set free, the gate was unlocked, and the walk took place as usual.
I learned, however, that squeezing through those bars is a thing I cannot do. I also learned that Eleanor's little bromide, while no doubt well-meaning, is not applicable in all situations. It might cheer you up during the Depression, but be careful lest your head get stuck.
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
May 25, 2006
More lines I’ve excised from my forthcoming novel
One, two -- three? So he did have an extra thumb.
The bikini-clad princess placed the amulet atop the sacred stone and shouted "Let's dance!"
Frank was tired. Tired of work. Tired of life. Tired of ham.
"Cripes," he whispered. "It's those darn Nazis again."
The camel nodded wearily, exhaled, and drove away.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
May 24, 2006
What I Learned from the News
From United Press International:
U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales reportedly thinks current laws allow for the prosecution of journalists who publish classified information.
Freedom of the press? Yeah, whatever.
-- From the Associated Press on the FBI raid on Representative William Jefferson’s office, which has been strongly criticized by leaders of both parties:
At a news conference Tuesday, Atty. Gen. Alberto R. Gonzales provided no details of the search, describing it as "a unique step in response to a unique set of circumstances."
Separation of powers? Yeah, whatever.
-- From The New York Times:
Mr. Gonzales was part of the team that came up with the rationalization for torture, as well as for the warrantless eavesdropping on Americans' e-mail and phone calls.
U.N. Convention Against Torture? The U.S. Constitution? Basic morality? Yeah, screw all that, too.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
May 23, 2006
Things that occur to me while riding the metro to work
Everyone loves day beds. But what about a night couch? Looks like a regular couch and then -- voila! -- you can sleep on it.
That baby is staring at me.
I wonder what Andy Griffith is doing right now.
If you had to choose between an apple and an orange, how would you do it? There's no way to compare.
That night couch idea is really good. My genius is going to waste.
If there's one thing I believe in it's hats.
That baby is still staring at me. What? You want some of this? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Posted by teb at 11:58 AM | Email this entry
May 22, 2006
Ways to Improve the New York Times "Vows" column
-- Interview jilted exes and skeptical friends.
-- Allow online readers to rate bride's hotness.
-- Note high national divorce rate in last graf.
-- Use vivid adjectives like "bow-legged" and "chunky."
-- Include video of wedding ceremony/night.
Posted by teb at 10:47 AM | Email this entry
May 21, 2006
Posted by teb at 07:25 PM | Email this entry
May 19, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Pros and Cons
Pros:
Aids decision-making
Kills time
Everybody likes lists
Cons:
Simplistic
Overly binary
Hard to come up with third "con"
Posted by teb at 07:30 AM | Email this entry
May 18, 2006
Lame headlines for news of Paul McCartney's divorce
We Can Work It Out -- Actually, We Can't
Love Me Don't
With A Little Help From My Lawyer
If I Needed Someone, I Wouldn't Pick You
He Should Have Known Better
I'm So Tired (Of You)
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Divorce
Posted by teb at 08:51 AM | Email this entry
May 17, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Associated Press:
King Abdullah has told Saudi editors to stop publishing pictures of women as they could make young men go astray, newspapers reported Tuesday.
Yeah, that's what the Internet is for.
-- From the Washington Post:
Richard Hatch, who won $1 million in the debut season of "Survivor," has been sentenced to more than four years in prison for failing to pay taxes on his reality TV prize and other income.
Probably best to drop that whole naked thing now.
-- From Fox News:
In declining to discuss the NSA's alleged collection of domestic phone records, Snow had said he wouldn't "hug the tar baby" of commenting on a program the White House won't confirm or deny.
Snow then begged reporters not to throw him in a briar patch.
Posted by teb at 08:26 AM | Email this entry
May 16, 2006
A brief dialogue between THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES and THE REAL ME (ii)
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: So ... how was "The Story of the Weeping Camel."
THE REAL ME: It was good.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: You really liked it?
THE REAL ME: I did.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: What part did you like best?
THE REAL ME: Um, the camel. The part where it weeps.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: The part where it weeps?
THE REAL ME: Right. That was very emotional.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: You haven't watched it.
THE REAL ME: I've been busy.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: With what?
THE REAL ME: Stuff. And, also, things.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: And you can't find a couple of hours in your oh-so busy schedule to view the movies I/we/whatever choose from Netflix?
THE REAL ME: [covers ears with hands]
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: That won't do any good.
THE REAL ME: La la la. I can't hear you.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Yes, you can. This is an internal dialogue. You're not really "hearing" me anyway.
THE REAL ME: I hate you so much.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Likewise.
Posted by teb at 09:30 AM | Email this entry
May 15, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Glad Sandwich Bags
Dear Glad Sandwich Bags,
First of all, I want to tell you how much I enjoy Glad Sandwich Bags. The fold-over top seals in freshness and protects food from the elements. Pretty good!
Anyway. I just wanted to let you know that sometimes I put other stuff in my sandwich bags. Like, for instance, paper clips or spare change. I suspect others also find them useful for non-sandwich items. There's no way I'm the only one!
Right?
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
Thank you for contacting us about Glad Open Mouth Storage Bags. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.
Knowing that you like our product is important, and we value the generous comments you have shared with us. Because the marketing specialists working on the production and distribution of this product also will enjoy your comments, I am forwarding them on.
We're confident that our product will continue to serve you well in the future. We'll be sure to keep your name on file for future promotional activity in your area.
You will receive this by regular mail in approximately 7 to 10 business days.
Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
Crystal Stevens
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
May 14, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
May 12, 2006
OFF LEASH: On exuberance
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
In the late 1990s, Alan Greenspan coined the phrase "irrational exuberance." It was a not-so-cryptic warning from the then-chairman of the Federal Reserve Board that tech stocks were overvalued. The economic oracle implied that investing your life savings in a company that doesn't make money might -- just might -- be unwise.
Turns out, he was right. And yet exuberance, irrational or otherwise, is not always a bad thing. For instance, I get very excited when someone comes home. My tail doesn't just wag; rather, it twirls like a helicopter blade. I throw myself in front of the newly arrived person in hopes of getting attention. In the process, I've been known to accidentally bang my head against a wall or coffee table.
Perhaps this, too, is irrational exuberance. But my head will feel better in a few minutes. The people who invested in drkoop.com are still in pain.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
May 11, 2006
Seek and ye shall ... you know
-- "why is my cat hissing at me?"
Because you deserve it.
-- "out of the mouths of babes oft comes"
vomit.
-- "which shampoo does tom cruise use"
Head & Crazy
-- "how to use a slim jim"
First, unwrap the Slim Jim. Then give it to your dog.
-- "little known facts about bob dylan"
He's actually French and has a wooden leg.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
May 10, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- President Bush, via the Washington Post, on the Medicare drug plan:
"Deadlines help people understand there's finality, and people need to get after it, you know?"
Get after it, old people! Assuming you can figure it out.
-- From Bloomberg:
Whirlpool Corp., the world's largest appliance maker, will close three factories and cut 4,500 jobs as it integrates operations after the $1.68 billion purchase of Maytag Corp.
That Maytag repairman didn't seem too busy anyway.
-- From Reuters:
The portrayal of coma and awakening from a coma is grossly inaccurate in major motion pictures, research shows ...
Also, radiation gives you cancer, not superpowers.
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
May 09, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Vests
Pros:
-- Keeps arms free for reaching, gesticulation
-- Protects crucial trunk portion of body
-- Fun to say
-- All the warmth, minus the hassle of sleeves
Cons:
-- Sometimes worn without a shirt
-- Available in leather
-- Arms feel left out
-- Nowhere for tricks to be up
Posted by teb at 09:12 AM | Email this entry
May 08, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: The Marquis of Halifax
"Turnaround" (Nirvana): The definitive version of the Devo non-hit about parochialism.
"Ain’t That Unusual" (Goo Goo Dolls): When the Goos were more Replacements and less … mind-numbingly awful.
“I Was Drunk” (Alejandro Escovedo): Excuses, excuses.
“Gold Lion” (Yeah Yeah Yeahs): Oh yeah.
"Lone Star Song" (Grant Lee Buffalo): If there’s a better song about the tragic raid on the Branch Davidians, I haven’t heard it.
"Good Old Desk" (Harry Nilsson): If there’s a better song about desks, I haven’t heard it.
"Wagon Wheel" (Old Crow Medicine Show): If there’s a better song about wagon wheels -- okay, it’s not really about that. Good, though. Really, really good.
Posted by teb at 11:10 AM | Email this entry
May 07, 2006
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | Email this entry
May 05, 2006
OFF LEASH: On my ancestors
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Whenever I meet someone new, he or she inevitably inquires about my lineage. Sometimes they guess: "Some German Shepherd, right? Maybe a little Collie?" Or, worse, they squat down next to me, place a hand on my head, and ask in a bright, disingenuous tone: "So ... what are you?"
Here's my answer: I am a dog. My parents were dogs. Their parents were dogs. And their parents before them. I am an unholy mixture of multiple breeds, the product of unsupervised humping, commonly known as a mutt. This fact does not bother me and I can't understand why it should concern you.
For the record, though, I am not offended, just annoyed. Now please get out of my way so I can finish my walk.
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
May 04, 2006
Classic rock songs, explained
The Rolling Stones "Live With Me"
Jagger's musical tribute to the difficulty of finding roommates.
T-Rex "Bang a Gong (Get it On)"
The singer asks his "dirty, sweet" girl to "bang a gong." What he really wants is for the girl to strike a rimmed metal disk with a padded mallet.
Chuck Berry "I Want To Be Your Driver"
When he promises to "drive you so slow and easy you won't wanna put me down," Berry is reassuring the client that he is a capable chauffeur.
Van Morrison "I Wanna Roo You"
"Roo" is Scottish for "congratulate you on a job well done."
Bob Dylan "Tonight I'll Be Staying Here With You"
No one knows what this song means. It's a mystery.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
May 03, 2006
A brief dialogue between THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES and THE REAL ME
THE REAL ME: Oh crap. What is this?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: It's called "The Story of the Weeping Camel."
THE REAL ME: Sounds ... great
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: In fact, it is great. It's about a family of camel herders in Mongolia's Gobi region. It's supposed to be excellent. One of your -- our, my –- friends recommended it.
THE REAL ME: Well, I don't have time to watch it.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: And yet you do have time to watch back-to-back episodes of "Cops"?
THE REAL ME: Why can't we -- I -- get something on Netflix that we -- I -- actually want to see?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Like episodes of "South Park"?
THE REAL ME: Yes. Like episodes of "South Park."
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: You've seen every episode of "South Park." Most of them multiple times.
THE REAL ME: They stand up to repeated viewings. Like the one in which Cartman pretends to be a police officer ...
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Stop. Listen to yourself, would you? You're 31 years old. I think you can sit down and watch a highly recommended movie that will open your mind to different points of view and broaden your cultural horizons.
THE REAL ME: "Broaden your cultural horizons"? Who are you?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: I'm you.
THE REAL ME: No, you're not. I would never say that.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Can we just watch the movie, please?
THE REAL ME: Fine. But first I’m going to grab a bag of Doritos.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Wouldn’t you like an apple instead?
THE REAL ME: Screw you. Me. Whatever.
Posted by teb at 09:59 AM | Email this entry
May 02, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- An Associated Press headline:
Government drafts pandemic flu plan.
Phew! The government has a plan. We can all stop worrying now.
-- A Reuters headline:
Iran Threatens Israel
And, in other news, dog bites man.
-- From People, on Keith Richards getting released from the hospital:
Various news reports have said that Richards fell from a coconut tree, a Jet Ski or a combination of the two.
Further proof that coconut trees and Jet Skis just don't mix.
Posted by teb at 11:19 AM | Email this entry
May 01, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Gatorade
Dear Gatorade,
I recently tried your new flavor, Rain. It tasted just like rain -- only sweeter! Way to go!
Have you considered offering an icy version of Rain? You could call it "Snow" or perhaps "Sleet."
Also, in your advertisements you ask "Is it in you?" Just so you know: It's in me.
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Tom:
We are glad to hear how much you liked Gatorade Rain. One of the brightest spots in our work week is receiving comments like yours. We have ways of measuring success, but none of them are as satisfying as hearing directly from you.
Please be assured that we will always do our best to produce high-quality products that you and your family will enjoy. We want you to know we do make Gatorade Ice, we have Gatorade Watermelon Ice flavor and All Star Ice Punch flavor. Please talk to your store manager to see if they can order it for you.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for taking the time to contact us.
Geri
Gatorade Consumer Response
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry