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June 30, 2006
OFF LEASH: Down with the King
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Next door to us lives a three-year-old Boxer named King. He is a muscular, energetic dog who wears a harness and seems to drag his owner down the street. Another neighbor, who is not fond of King, refers to him as Mr. Snarls -- an accurate nom de growl.
While normally aggressive toward other dogs, King does not bare his teeth at me. Rather, he whimpers and lunges. He seems pleased to see me. Very pleased. Inappropriately so.
I have not consciously encouraged this attention, though perhaps I should have been more firm from the beginning. King, let me be clear: It's not going to happen. I'm sorry. You will have to look elsewhere for your queen.
Posted by teb at 10:20 AM | Email this entry
June 29, 2006
Dear "Yard of the Week" Committee:
First, let me say how much I admire the committee. By recognizing the most attractive, well-kept yards in our community you create a sense of pride in which all of us can share. So thank you.
I've noticed, however, that your past selections tend to be -- in a word -- safe. You pick the most carefully landscaped, meticulously tended yards, the yards that have a certain "wow" factor. This is perhaps understandable. But I wonder if you're overlooking yards with more subtle charms. Like, for instance, mine. Notice how I mix grass with naturally occurring flora. Consider, too, how I refrain from pruning or trimming my trees, allowing them to grow gloriously unfettered. Along the front of the yard, I've dug a shallow trench. To the naïve observer, this might appear to be an unfinished flowerbed. In fact, it is my own radical take on Xeriscaping.
I urge the committee to set aside its bias in favor of aesthetic appeal and embrace non-traditional yards like mine. If you don't, I will be forced to make my own sign.
best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
June 28, 2006
Things I would rather do than deal with the inch of standing water in my basement caused by the record-setting rainfall that has afflicted those of us who live on the East Coast for lo these many days
-- Chug a bottle of Tabasco sauce
-- Shave my legs
-- Have brunch with Tucker Carlson
-- Get pinched, like, real hard
-- Share my feelings with the group
-- Shop
-- Shave Tucker Carlson's legs
Posted by teb at 10:27 AM | Email this entry
June 27, 2006
Yet more lines I've excised from my forthcoming novel
These discount slacks aren't working out, Louis realized.
"Hmm," he exclaimed furiously.
The ground hogs circled cautiously like large, furry, wingless, earth-dwelling birds.
And so the mysterious whistler met his violent and well-deserved fate.
"Okey" -- he struggled for just the right word -- "doke."
Posted by teb at 10:34 AM | Email this entry
June 26, 2006
FEATURED CHEESE: Parmesan
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
The word "parmesan" comes from the Italian "parm" meaning dry and "esan" meaning very or extremely. It's an appropriate name as parmesan is a very dry cheese. First discovered around 1430 by a blacksmith living in a village near Florence, parmesan was for centuries thought to keep evil spirits at bay. Italians would sprinkle parmesan on the mentally ill in hopes of driving out their demons. Even today, saying someone "smells like parmesan" is considered a comment on that person's sanity, or lack thereof.
While grating parmesan for a salad recently, I popped a small chunk of it in my mouth. The flavor is robust but agreeable and it made me wonder: Why isn't parmesan promoted as a snacking cheese? It's good for grating, sure, but let's not put unnecessary limits on its uses.
By the way, I made up the stuff about parmesan's history and etymology. It is my sincere wish that it will end up plagiarized in a research paper or, at the very least, on Wikipedia.
Posted by teb at 09:56 AM | Email this entry
June 25, 2006
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June 23, 2006
OFF LEASH: The door incident
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I've mentioned before that I am frightened by thunderstorms. My level of fear ranks somewhere between neurosis and psychosis, a debilitating terror that leaves me shaking, drooling, and unresponsive to non-thunder stimuli. It is quite a sight.
Last night a thunderstorm passed through. As usual, I stood outside the bedroom door and whimpered. Let me note here that the bedroom door is made of wood and thick glass; it opens and closes on a sliding track. Last night my terror was so intense that I decided to push open the door with my head, snapping a plastic guide in the process. In other words, I broke the door.
This, of course, was not my intention. I only wanted to be where it seemed to me most safe. Still, let me just say: My bad.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
June 22, 2006
Fork vs. Spoon: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN!
Fork: Oh looky what we have here! It appears to be some kind of oval-shaped utensil. How cute! My my, it sure is having a hard time with that piece of steak. Hey, Spoon, maybe you should use your prongs -- wait, you don't have any! Your curved, blunt tip just scoots food around the plate. Ha ha! You're hopeless, Spoon. I look on you with a mixture of pity, amusement, and amusement. I said "amusement" twice because you're just so darn funny!
Spoon: Fork? Hmm. I think I remember you. I guess I've been so busy with cereal, soup, ice cream and a million other foodstuffs that I completely forgot you existed. Sorry about that. It must get lonely over there on the other side of the plate: How do you ever pass the time? Perhaps by coming up with lame taunts in a futile attempt to hurt my feelings. Boo hoo. I'm so upset. I wish I had stupid prongs like Fork instead of my extremely useful concave scooping surface. By the way, give Napkin a kiss for me. I know you guys are awfully ... close.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
June 21, 2006
What I Learned from the News about Babies
-- Headline from the Melbourne Herald Sun:
Women bear the brunt of raising babies
News flash!
-- From ABC News:
Researchers say that babies younger than 6 months old cannot predict what another person will do.
Which is why they suck at poker.
-- Headline from the Irish Independent:
It's good to talk if you want to get pregnant, scientists say
So that's how it happened.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
June 20, 2006
Things that occur to me while riding the metro to work
Man on platform: Bluetooth or crazy?
To the dude with a pony tail, bow tie, blue backpack and tasseled loafers: Make up your mind!
If I started singing right now would people a) ignore me b) ask me to stop or c) sing along?
Guy in suit says to other guy in suit: "I'm not a details person. I bring players to the table."
Chewing gum this early in the morning seems so ... wrong.
Or slowly clapping, like in a corny movie when the hero finally gets the recognition he/she deserves.
Crazy, as it turns out.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
June 19, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Turn on AC full blast and lie on floor. Think "It's not even July yet."
Chat with UPS man about mosquitoes. Conclude that they suck.
Stare at the hair of CNN's Nancy Grace. Consider what you could hide in there. An apple?
Temporarily lose cell phone. Realize you would rather lose a kidney.
Purchase "Rollerknife" -- a two-in-one screen tool/utility knife. Wonder who you have become.
Posted by teb at 09:54 AM | Email this entry
June 18, 2006
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June 16, 2006
OFF LEASH: On nature
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Nature has inspired many terrible poems. Tributes to trees, soliloquies to stars, paeans to posies. It's enough to make you want to stay indoors.
And yet, as the weather grows warmer, even a cynic has to be a little impressed by all the blossoming wonder. That's true even on the outskirts of a big city, where ambulances cry by and street lights obscure the stars.
Paradise isn't entirely paved, at least not yet. There is still plenty around here on which to gaze, to sniff, and to pee.
Posted by teb at 10:48 AM | Email this entry
June 15, 2006
All-purpose headlines
New Trend Catches On
People Elsewhere Upset
Crisis Causes Concern
Statistics Reveal Pattern
Stocks Up, Down
Men Wearing Suits Discuss Stuff
Winning Team Pleased
Posted by teb at 10:01 AM | Email this entry
June 14, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
Dear I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!:
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!. It satisfies my buttery needs. What more can you ask?
It's so good that I've often thought of starting my own knock-off brand called "I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" But then I realized I know nothing about how to manufacture, distribute, or market such a product. Oh well.
Continue!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Hi Tom,
Thanks for writing!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about our product. Our corporate goal is "meeting the everyday needs of people everywhere". It is truly rewarding when our consumers feel strongly about our brands and take the time to communicate with us directly.
Our goal has always been to provide consumers with the finest products that scientific research and human skills can develop. A personal commendation such as yours is most welcome and greatly appreciated. It assures us that we are achieving our goal. We will be pleased to share your comments with the appropriate staff.
Thanks for sharing your favorable comments!
Your friends at ICBINB!
Posted by teb at 09:38 AM | Email this entry
June 13, 2006
AMAZON REVIEWS: A comparison of methods for estimating squirrel populations
One of the reviews for our last book -- Rainfall rates and the vertical distribution of diabatic heating components over tropical oceans semiannual status report, September 1, 1993 - 28 February 1994 -- hearkens back to the good old days when we were "hunched over a bowl of chowder at 2am, waiting for a well-past-late blind date to show up." Thanks, A.B. King of Northern Illinois, USA, for reminding us.
But now, naturally, we must move from diabatic heating components to methods for estimating squirrel populations.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
June 12, 2006
Bad weather descriptions
The rain fell like water dropping from the sky.
The wind blew like "Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace."
It was hotter than a microwave corndog set on three minutes instead of the recommended two.
The fog rolled in like dice only slower, quieter, and without numbers on it.
It was dark outside like pants. Black pants.
Posted by teb at 09:37 AM | Email this entry
June 11, 2006
Posted by teb at 03:52 PM | Email this entry
June 09, 2006
OFF LEASH: On The Dog Whisperer
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Dogs are not people. This pedestrian insight has made Cesar Millan, also known as "The Dog Whisperer," a rich and famous man. In each episode of his popular television program, Cesar and his ruly goatee scold some hapless dog owner for failing in one of his/her dog-owning duties. He then magically resolves the issue as the camera crew captures said dog owner's grateful, slack-jawed reaction.
Cesar does for dogs what that chubby British nanny does for brats. This is all perfectly fine and makes for better-than-average cable TV viewing (a limbo bar, to be sure). Malcolm Gladwell has given him the full golly-you-sure-are-a-genius! treatment in The New Yorker. Even Oprah likes him -- and we know she won't fall for just anything.
So, Cesar, hats off to you, my friend. Just one thing: Stay away from me with your doggie voodoo.
Posted by teb at 06:35 PM | Email this entry
June 08, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Books
PROS:
-- Flingable
-- Stackable
-- Easy to burn
CONS:
-- Ink-stained
-- Can't judge by cover
-- Wordy
Posted by teb at 09:51 AM | Email this entry
June 07, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Rasputin
"Crazy" (Gnarls Barkley): Who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are? Ha ha ha. Bless your soul.
"Crazy" (Willie Nelson): Patsy Cline? LeAnn Rimes? I'll take the Willie version, please.
"Crazy" (Cat Stevens): Certifiably terrible. But it's Cat so we'll give him a pass.
"Crazy" (The Afghan Whigs): Crazy, sure, but not a gentleman.
"Crazy" (R.E.M.): If your head, arms, and feet are shaking then, well, that's a sign.
Posted by teb at 10:03 AM | Email this entry
June 06, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From Reuters:
The International Paper Company said yesterday that it had agreed to sell its coated paper unit to a private equity firm, Apollo Management, for $1.4 billion.
I hope they got it in writing.
-- From Live Science:
A disorder that causes episodes of unwarranted anger is more common among American adults than thought, a new study finds.
I HATE THAT STUDY!
-- From Reuters:
Too lightweight to be stars but bigger than most planets, a handful of hot, young, free-floating objects have the raw materials to make their own miniplanetary systems, astronomers reported on Monday.
A handful of hot, young, free-floating objects, eh? You're sure this is astronomy?
Posted by teb at 08:08 AM | Email this entry
June 05, 2006
Suggestions for combining the names of co-stars/couple Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn
Vaughniston
Sounds like a former Soviet Republic
Anivin
Sounds like a nasal spray
Vincifer
Too close to Lucifer
Jennivaughn
Too close to Cinnabon
Vaughnjenvinstonfer
Has a ring to it
Posted by teb at 10:49 AM | Email this entry
June 04, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
June 02, 2006
OFF LEASH: On voyeurism
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was sniffing a potato chip recently when I was reminded of a quote from the humorist James Thurber. "Seeing is deceiving," he said once. “It's eating that's believing.”
How true. I often watch people as they eat. My eyes follow their forks down to their plates, up to their mouths, and back down again. My ears stand at attention. My tail wags and twirls. My mouth waters and even overflows, leaving tiny puddles on the hardwood floors. It is a painful pastime, an exquisite torture.
And yet, upon closer inspection, I frequently find that what they are eating is not chicken or beef but pasta, steamed vegetables, or some other food in which I have little interest. This is a severe, almost intolerable disappointment. Not to say I won't eat some pasta or vegetables or even the aforementioned potato chip if given the chance. I'm just saying I'd prefer steak.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
June 01, 2006
A brief dialogue between THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES and THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: So ... how was "The Weather Man"?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: [silence]
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: What's wrong?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: One of the worst movies I've ever seen.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: No, that's impossible. I read good things.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Where? Where did you read these good things?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Oh, I don't know. On the Internet.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: On the Internet! Well, I stand corrected!
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: There's no need for sarcasm. It has Nicholas Cage in it and Michael Caine. You/we/I love Michael Caine.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Terrible, pompous, joyless.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: It can't be that bad.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: It's worse than that bad. It should come with a warning sticker. Better yet, the studio should be legally required to round-up all extant copies and bury them in concrete a mile below the surface of the earth like they do with nuclear waste.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: But it had archery and weather forecasting and ...
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Awful. Awful, awful, awful.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Well, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: [silence]
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Come on.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: [silence]
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Please.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Never.
Posted by teb at 09:30 AM | Email this entry