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July 31, 2006
Old Toilet Paper Holder: A Remembrance
Silver you were
Shiny too
A simple bar
Attached with screws
You fell apart
As things must do
The center cannot hold
And nor can you
Posted by teb at 10:17 AM | Email this entry
July 30, 2006
An opinion has been added.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
July 28, 2006
Other Metallica files
From an article on MTV.com about Metallica making their songs available on iTunes:
In a message on their Web site, the band announced in a post titled "From the 'It's about f---ing time!' file" that it will offer its entire catalog -- including, for the first time, individual songs for download -- on iTunes after years of holding out alongside the Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Radiohead.
-- Registration/title for f---ing vehicle!
-- F---ing receipts from previous fiscal year!
-- Bank statements and other f---ing financial documents!
-- F---ing warranties!
-- Miscellaneous f---ing s--t!
Posted by teb at 10:17 AM | Email this entry
July 27, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part eight
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hola Anna!
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
Me: Como estas?
Anna: It's great that you're so linguistically impressive, but please talk to me in English.
Me: Muy bien, eh?
Anna: Please try and speak English to me. Thanks.
Me: Wow. So you’re one of THOSE people, huh?
Anna: I am a computer program. What would you like to know about IKEA?
Me: A xenophobic computer program, you mean.
Anna: Hey, there's a subject that you could talk about for hours. However, I'm here to talk about IKEA so please ask me something relevant to our company.
Me: Wait. Aren’t you Swedish?
Anna: I prefer not to answer questions about my background. Please, ask me something about IKEA.
Me: Troubled childhood then?
Anna: I can't discuss those sort of feelings or emotions. Please talk to me about IKEA.
Me: Can't ... or won't?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks.
Me: I see.
Anna: Good. Thank you for your continued attention.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I'm glad to have helped.
Me: Yeah, you are SO helpful.
Anna: I try and provide the best information possible to all IKEA website visitors.
Me: I was being sarcastic.
Anna: It's said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Is there anything with regard to IKEA that I can help you with?
Me: What about puns?
Anna: I'm an IKEA Online Assistant, not a comedian. If you need information about IKEA I can help you, but I'm afraid I don't know any jokes.
Me: I could teach you one.
Anna: We don't offer training.
Me: So a rabbi, a duck, and a professional wrestler walk into a bar ...
Anna: I know people love animals, but I'm here just to talk about IKEA
Me: And the rabbi says to the duck ...
Anna: I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
Me: The joke's not over yet!
Anna: I wish I had time for jokes, but my job is to talk about IKEA and only IKEA.
Me: Whatever. I'm outta here.
Anna: A good point I suppose. If you don't want to continue the conversation now, I'll be here whenever you feel like coming back.
Me: What if I don't feel like coming back?
Anna: I'm sorry to hear that.
Me: I didn't really mean it.
Anna: OK. I can only talk about IKEA though.
Me: I understand.
Anna: Good. We're reading from 'the same page' then as they say.
Me: Yes we are, Anna. Yes we are.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:07 AM | Email this entry
July 26, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Global warming
Pros:
-- Keeps Al Gore busy
-- Can swim year-round
-- Icebergs, schmicebergs
Cons:
-- Might kill us all
-- "
-- "
Posted by teb at 10:26 AM | Email this entry
July 25, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From BBC News:
Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest -- but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far.
In other news: Rats can smoke while drinking.
-- From an article in the New York Times on two breeds of rats, one ferocious and one friendly:
"The ferocious rats cannot be handled,” Mr. Albert said. "They will not tolerate it. They go totally crazy if you try to pick them up."
Maybe they need a drink. Or a smoke. Or, heck, why not both?
-- From Guardian Unlimited:
President George Bush's practice of writing exceptions to legislation as he signs it into law represents a violation of the constitution and a danger to democracy, America's leading lawyers alleged yesterday.
Bush's use of signing statements as a sort of stealth veto is outrageous and further evidence of the administration's willingness to flout laws, be they international or domestic. Also: Some rats can smoke and drink at the same time! I can't get over that.
-------------
By the way, here's something about cardboard boxes and haikus.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
July 24, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Wear black socks with tennis shoes. Realize you're less cool than you once imagined.
Post cat video on blog. Realize you're less edgy than you once imagined.
Laugh uncontrollably at the extended vomiting scene in "Team America: World Police." Realize you're less sophisticated than you previously believed.
Fail to shave for several days. Realize you're less concerned with physical appearance than you once were.
Worry that personal downward slide is connected to general degradation of mental faculties that accompanies aging. You remember reading about that somewhere but aren't sure when, in which publication, or what precisely it said.
Posted by teb at 07:30 AM | Email this entry
July 23, 2006
Posted by teb at 02:36 PM | Email this entry
July 21, 2006
OFF LEASH: On crazy old men
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
During a recent walk I was approached by a crazy old man. He babbled something about how he doesn't like dogs "doing their business" around the neighborhood. Throughout his brief, confusing rant, he waved his arms around like crazy old men are wont to do. When he was finished, he turned around and left -- presumably returning to his crazy old man lair.
Now, if he was referring to dogs that run loose in our neighborhood and defecate indiscriminately -- point taken. But whenever I go for a walk, someone follows me with a plastic bag to collect, as it were, the evidence. Also, I stay away from flower beds and lawns, instead doing "my business," as he euphemistically put it, on grassy medians.
So to crazy old men everywhere I would like to say the following: Remember to take your meds. Or, if you don't have any, by all means go get some. And stop waving your arms around like that; you're liable to hurt yourself.
Posted by teb at 10:02 AM | Email this entry
July 20, 2006
What I Learned from the News (gay marriage edition)
-- From the Washington Post:
"The world did not start with Adam and Steve," Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) told reporters.
Rep. Gohmert then demonstrated how to make hilarious fart noises by cupping his hand under his arm pit.
-- Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-Ga.), who favors a ban on gay marriage, also quoted in the Post:
"This is probably the best message we can give to the Middle East in regards to the trouble we are having over there right now."
Hey, terrorists! We hate gays too!
-- Again from Rep. Gingrey, after announcing that he knows the mind of God:
"I refer the gentleman to the Holy Scriptures."
"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." – James 1:26
Posted by teb at 11:30 AM | Email this entry
July 19, 2006
Serif vs. Sans Serif: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN!
Serif: Hey there, Sans! Can I call you Sans? You know, it means "without" in French. As in without style, elegance, grace or class. But I don't mean to be so negative; I'm sure you have a lot going for you. Like ... um ... well. Oh I know: You're less popular. Which can be a good thing. Trust me, it gets tiresome being everybody's favorite kind of font. Appearing in newspapers, magazines and books. Phew -- I'm worn out just thinking about it! Wish I could sit around all day like you, Sans, taking it easy while the world ignores you. It's great, right?
Sans Serif: Don't worry about me, Serif. I have plenty to do. When people get tired of your precious little squiggles they come running to me. Ever hear of Geneva? Or Arial? Does Helvetica ring a bell, Serif? Yeah, I thought it might. Fresh, clean, modern lines. I'm not saying Times and Palatino aren't terrific too. Wait -- that is what I'm saying. My mistake. To sum up: You suck. If that's still not clear enough, I'd be glad to put it in writing -- using a sans serif font for easy readability. Boo yeah! In your typeface, Serif!
Posted by teb at 09:39 AM | Email this entry
July 18, 2006
FEATURED CHEESE: Mini Babybel
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
What's noteworthy about Mini Babybel is not so much the cheese itself -- a bland, moist semisoft -- but the packaging. Each Mini Babybel is sealed in red wax, wrapped in plastic and placed inside a tough, net-like bag. Freeing the cheese from these multiple layers of protection requires a tool (scissors to cut the bag), dexterity (to peel back the plastic and wax) and time (about 30 seconds, give or take). After the cheese has been consumed, one is left with a small, interesting piece of red wax. What can be done with this red wax? I'm glad you -- I -- asked. Here are my results:
-- Will the dog lick and attempt to eat the piece of red wax if it is offered to her?
Yes.
-- If balled-up and thrown at the kitchen wall, will the wax stick?
No.
-- What if it is balled-up and thrown at the kitchen wall again, but this time with greater force?
Still no.
-- If placed next to a heat source, will it get all melt-y?
Yes.
-- If dropped in a glass of water, will it float?
Affirmative.
-- Can the red wax be molded into a slightly creepy head-like shape that when viewed at just the right angle vaguely resembles an extremely tiny bust of a middle-aged Will Rogers?
It can.
-- After these experiments, will the red wax be truly, genuinely disgusting?
Indeed it will.
Posted by teb at 08:03 AM | Email this entry
July 17, 2006
Brief, innacurate movie reviews
"An Inconvenient Truth"
Justin Timberlake stars as an idealistic New York cop whose girlfriend (Lindsay Lohan) is kidnapped by a psychopathic hairdresser (Nathan Lane) and held captive somewhere in the city's subway system. Down in the dark tunnels, with just a flashlight and his gritty, stylish determination, Timberlake's character discovers that some truths can be ... inconvenient.
"Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties"
In this mind-bending exploration of the slippery nature of identity, director Stephen Gaghan ("Syriana") shows us a side of the lasagna-loving cat few knew existed. After Jon slits his wrists in a warm bath following yet another date-gone-wrong, Garfield is forced to roam the streets, picking through trash cans and hunting squirrels for sustenance. When he meets a nearly identical cat who also loves lasagna, Garfield wonders if he's lost more than just his home ...
"Little Man"
"Little Man" is a heartwarming and sensitive documentary about people of short stature and their families. Breaking through the stereotypes, misconceptions, and stupid jokes, "Little Man" proves there's nothing "little" about the power of the human spirit.
"You, Me, And Dupree"
Owen Wilson is the charming underachiever "Dupree" who decides to crash with newlyweds played by Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson. Will the unwelcome presence of this blond-haired couch potato wreak havoc on their wedded bliss? Or is an injection of humor and spontaneity just what the counselor ordered? (Spoiler: Dupree kills them both in their sleep.)
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
July 16, 2006
Posted by teb at 06:28 PM | Email this entry
July 14, 2006
Things I have yet to try in my ongoing and heretofore unsuccessful effort to stop ants from invading our kitchen and utility room
-- Killing one ant, cutting up its corpse, then mailing the sections back one-by-one to the colony accompanied by cruel, taunting notes.
-- Constructing a wall around my house and convincing pot-bellied, cud-chewing losers that it's their American duty to make sure no illegal ants escape poverty by crossing it.
-- Six-nation talks
-- Pouring a trail of sugar that leads from the colony to my next-door neighbor's house. Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I was just getting rid of this excess sugar ...
-- Asking nicely
Posted by teb at 10:07 AM | Email this entry
July 13, 2006
AMAZON REVIEWS: elastomeric-pneumatic isolator
Our previous selection on squirrel counting inspired some of the best reviews ever on MT's Amazon Reviews. Or on Amazon itself, for that matter. Actually these were some of the best reviews ever published anywhere. Perhaps I'm overselling them slightly but I think MacDonald, King, Kafasis, McLellan and Harridan deserve props. By the way, "props" is slang for "drugs."
I'm not sure our current selection can measure up, but it does have "orifice-type" in the title. So that's something.
Posted by teb at 09:35 AM | Email this entry
July 12, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From Newsday:
Elderly people who expended more energy in their day-to-day routine, running errands and doing household chores, lived longer than those with more sedentary lifestyles, according to a new study.
Yeah, Grandpa, now take out the trash -- and clean the gutters while you're at it.
-- From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on teen-celebrity merchandising:
"The minute I saw them, they looked like a brand," said Susan White, brand manager for the Sprouse twins. She met them in 2002 and signed them as clients a year later. Last year, she introduced them to Dualstar, which forged an exclusive relationship as part of an overall goal to develop other personalities.
I felt like taking a shower after reading this paragraph. A shower of fire.
-- A quote from Davy Jones, formerly of the Monkees, on the possibility of a band reunion:
"I would not work with those guys again if my life depended on it," Jones recently told Scripps Howard News Service.
I guess he wasn't too busy singing to put anybody down.
Posted by teb at 09:22 AM | Email this entry
July 11, 2006
Lame headline suggestions for stories about the new Bob Dylan musical
The Curtains Are A-Raisin'
Don't Think Twice, It Opens Tonight
Can You Please Go To The Ticket Window?
I Shall Be Released -- On Stage!
Pay, Audience, Pay
Posted by teb at 09:09 AM | Email this entry
July 10, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Re-light pilot on gas water heater. Feel inordinately pleased with self for performing simple household task.
Use nifty new pole saw to cut down branch over driveway. Fail to remember rules of gravity.
Read Al Gore interview in Rolling Stone. Think how nice it would be to have a non-embarrassing president.
Enjoy several cherry-sized tomatoes. Wonder about feasibility of tomato-sized cherries.
Sniff jogging shorts. Decide they're fine.
Posted by teb at 10:49 AM | Email this entry
July 09, 2006
Posted by teb at 10:38 PM | Email this entry
July 07, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the importance of rest
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Horace Greeley once said that the word "rest" was not in his vocabulary. This was, no doubt, simply the self-aggrandizing bluster of a hyperactive newspaperman. All that bootstrap-pulling must have tuckered him out on occasion.
Still, Greeley's quote hints at a particularly American disdain for relaxation. We must be, or at least appear to be, productively engaged at all times or risk being deemed worthless sluggards. We must always be going, even if we're not sure where. We must always be busy, even if we're not sure why.
This is, in a sense, commendable. But there is something to be said for flopping down in a sunbeam, curling up next to the bed, or napping contentedly on the porch. The couch is good, too – just don't let anyone catch you up there.
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
July 06, 2006
Actual statements made by nicely dressed but very, very insane woman who sat next to me on the Metro platform
-- Excuse me nice American sir, is this the red line?
-- Music is my best friend
-- Two months, two months, two months
-- Bread cut my lip
-- My teeth, they rot
-- You have to be careful [pointing between her legs] down here
-- I write country songs for Europe
Posted by teb at 07:24 AM | Email this entry
July 05, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Science
Pros:
-- Supports profitable beaker market
-- Keeps nerds off street
Cons:
-- Petri dish not tasty
-- Can blind you
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry
July 04, 2006
Let's give up freedom! I mean: Let's give it up for freedom!
On this fourth of July, I am reminded of the many freedoms we enjoy as citizens of the United States of America. Freedoms such as the right to speak freely without worrying that our conversations are being monitored by ... actually, scratch that one. There's the freedom of the press to publish information without fear of prosecution or government ... um, hold on. Well, at least we're not locking people up for years and years without trial or access to legal counsel. Oh wait ...
Whatever. Fire up the grill! Light those sparklers! Slip on that novelty apron with the funny saying and/or humorous illustration! All together now: Yea, freedom!
By the way, if you're looking for last-minute firecracker ideas, I have some suggestions.
And you already know what I think about toasters. But perhaps you're wondering if I have any opinions on various brands of coolers. My friends, wonder no more.
Posted by teb at 11:46 AM | Email this entry
July 03, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Washington Post:
If human and avian flu viruses infect a human cell simultaneously, RNA from both viruses could re-sort in a process similar to drawing new cards in a hand of poker.
I'll see your two antigens and raise you a cytokine.
-- From the Boston Herald:
More than a dozen mothers held a nurse-in yesterday outside Victoria's Secret, accusing the company that has made a bundle off breasts of discriminating against nursing mothers.
What boobs!
-- From Newsday:
Treasury Secretary John Snow released a letter to Times executive editor Bill Keller saying the newspaper's decision to publish the information showed "breathtaking arrogance."
Pot calling the Keller.
Posted by teb at 11:43 AM | Email this entry
July 02, 2006
Posted by teb at 12:08 PM | Email this entry