« July 2006 | Main | September 2006 »
August 31, 2006
AMAZON REVIEWS: Illustrated throughout with woodcuts
Last time around, Kilarney, A.B. King, Drew Shelton, Jerry McLellan, and Robert Horning discussed the merits and shortcomings of Dynamic characteristics of an elastomeric-pneumatic isolator with orifice-type relaxation damping for vehicular suspension applications. They all seemed intrigued by the unknown binding. Even so, Mr. King will not be ordering dozens of copies for his sizable staff.
This week we review what is, judging by its title, the greatest book ever written.
Posted by teb at 11:21 AM | Email this entry
August 30, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- Headline from the Sydney Morning Herald:
Rumsfeld warns of fascist threat
Please file under "irony."
-- From an Associated Press article on a report that says the amount of nicotine in cigarettes has risen by 10-percent over the last six years, making it even harder for smokers to quit:
A spokeswoman for Altria Group Inc.'s Phillip Morris USA, the nation's largest cigarette maker and manufacturer of Marlboro cigarettes, declined to comment.
She was too busy washing all that blood off her hands.
-- Headline from ABC News:
Jessica Simpson Ordered on Vocal Rest
A grateful nation rejoices.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry
August 29, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Babies
PROS:
-- Portable
-- Washable
-- Free
CONS:
-- Lazy
-- Incontinent
-- Unemployed
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
August 28, 2006
Excerpts from the Pier 1 Autumn 2006 catalog
-- Modern art has finally given us a new angle on the conventional end table.
Yeah, after all those years of abstract paintings and geometric sculptures, we finally get something to put our drinks on. It's about time, modern art!
-- In this image of a carved albasia wood Buddha in a mahogany frame, the protuberance at the crown represents enlightenment; the elongated earlobes, wisdom.
The eyebrows represent the cynical appropriation of a major religion's symbolism for commercial gain.
-- Elegant and earthy. Fiery and icy. Relaxed and refined.
Cliché and meaningless. Stupid and contradictory. Annoying and repetitive.
-- That might be what's meant by "global chic."
Actually, no. Global chic literally means "you're an ass."
-- Maybe you've seen something similar at a French bistro. Or was it a small gallery?
Oh where was it? My past is nothing but a blur of small galleries and French bistros.
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
August 25, 2006
OFF LEASH: On feelings
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Feelings, someone once said, are not logical. If someone hasn't said that, someone should, because it's very true.
Note, for example, my extreme fondness for the fluffy white dog down the street. Whenever I see the fluffy white dog, I whine insistently, begging to get closer. Why? This dog shows no particular interest in me. Or take my passionate hatred of skateboards. If someone rides past our house on a skateboard, I act as if I want to tear the skateboarder limb from limb. Why? The skateboarder means me no harm.
I could continue, citing my hatred of garbage men or how I love to drink stagnant rainwater, but I think my point has been made. I see no reason to continue. Besides, I don't feel like it.
Posted by teb at 09:29 AM | Email this entry
August 24, 2006
What would happen if the irrepressibly positive Apple repair technician I talked to this week about my broken iPod were to get a new job at a suicide hotline
Apple Guy: Hey there! How can I help you out today?
Caller: I just don't think I can go on.
Apple Guy: Super! We're halfway there.
Caller: What?
Apple Guy: We've identified the problem -- your desire not to live anymore -- and that's an important step.
Caller: Okay.
Apple Guy: Can you describe to me exactly what's been going on?
Caller: Yeah, I just feel this crushing weight on my soul and it's like darkness is closing in around me.
Apple Guy: Great! Have you tried to reset?
Caller: Reset?
Apple Guy: It's a figure of speech. I mean start over. Forget the past.
Caller: Yeah. It doesn't work.
Apple Guy: Fantastic! Are you sure it's plugged in?
Caller: Am I sure what's plugged in?
Apple Guy: When I say "it" I mean you and when I say "plugged in" I mean connected to people around you.
Caller: I do feel pretty alone.
Apple Guy: Terrific! We're almost done.
Caller: Really?
Apple Guy: Oh yeah! Soon you'll be listening to your music again!
Caller: I don't ...
Apple Guy: By which I mean the music of life.
Caller: Okay.
Apple Guy: Basically you need to cheer up. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Caller: No, I guess not.
Apple Guy: Fantastic!
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry
August 23, 2006
Excerpts from the Lands' End Kids back-to-school catalog
-- "It's big enough to haul all their books plus extras for after school."
Plenty of room for little Timmy's dimebag and shiv.
-- "Who says blazer time is starchy time?"
No one says that. No one.
-- "For kids who never sit still, there's nothing to slow them down!"
Besides, that's why God gave us Ritalin.
-- "They'll get in the groove of fall in our new tie-dyed tees."
It's out-of-date counterculture fashion co-opted by corporate America and marketed as stylish children's wear. Take that, hippies!
-- "These henleys go with fall like pick-up football games, raking the yard and apple-picking."
Perfect for the fall catalog model in your family.
-- "Its military-inspired design features a full-button front and five flapped pockets."
It's reminiscent of what people wear when they kill each other! Available in indigo blue, driftwood tan, and spilled-brains pink.
Posted by teb at 09:23 AM | Email this entry
August 22, 2006
Selling out
I read an article on CNN Money today called "Blogging for Dollars: How to turn your passion into an online empire." Apparently there is a "gold rush-style stampede into the blogosphere" by advertisers eager to cash in on the success of blogs. A blog, or "web log," is a site, or "Internet site," on which people, or "highly functional monkeys," write stuff, or "things." Apparently this has been going for some time and I have been missing out.
But that is going to change. Boy, is it. From now on, Minor Tweaks is all about Major Bucks. As the saying goes: If you give away milk for free, that's a poor business model. Such wisdom is just an example of the value-added content available every day on Minor Tweaks, or as it will henceforth be known "[SPONSOR’S NAME]."
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about business. In college, while other students were studying accounting and economics, I was reading lengthy books by people who died poor. But this made me a better person somehow, more interesting and well-rounded. Here's an example of my whip-smart repartee:
ME: How was your weekend?
SOME OTHER PERSON: Not bad. You?
ME: Oh, you know. Nothing exciting.
It took four years and tens of thousands of dollars (thanks mom and dad!) to help me achieve such verbal mastery. On the downside, though, I'm not very good with money. Which is why I've decided to keep it simple: From now on, I'll be paying myself 50 cents per word. Hell, make it 75 -- I deserve it. Some might wonder whether this will lead to unnecessarily long posts as I try to increase my word count purely to rake in cash. I don't think it will, though. Not at all! Why would it? I don't think it would. In fact, I'm pretty sure it won't. Anyway. That's all for now. Until next time. See you later. Goodbye. Toodles. And so forth.
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
August 21, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- Joe Lieberman on the war in Iraq, via the Associated Press:
"We had a naive vision that the Iraqis were going to embrace us and then go on and live happily ever after," he said.
Yes, we did. If by "we" you mean you and the gaggle of deluded souls who approved the invasion of another country for no. good. reason.
-- From the Baltimore Sun on defective Dell batteries that might explode:
"I wouldn't be worried at all, with the millions of batteries out there and the way they're being used," said Isidor Buchmann, founder and chief executive of Cadex Electronics, a Vancouver, B.C., company that makes battery-testing and -charging equipment.
The odds that the computer you're holding ON YOUR LAP will BURST INTO FLAMES are pretty low. No need to PANIC.
From the London Free Press:
Canadian parents need to take off their rose-coloured glasses and see the reality of their children's alarming weight gains, says the head of the Canadian Medical Association.
I thought my enormous child had a pleasant, rosy tint -- but no!
Posted by teb at 11:08 AM | Email this entry
August 18, 2006
OFF LEASH: On regrettable behavior (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
All of us do things we’re not proud of. Some of us lie. Some of us cheat. Some of us declare war on another country for no good reason. Etc., etc.
I’m no exception. So here’s my admission: When the people aren’t looking, I sneak upstairs and eat the cats' food. I know I shouldn’t: it’s their food. Heck, I’m not even supposed to be upstairs. But the illicit thrill of wolfing down an entire bowl of Science Diet is simply too wonderful for words. Now that I’ve owned up to my shortcomings, I feel better. And, in the future, I promise to, you know, do my level best to -- um -- resist temptation ... and so forth.
Posted by teb at 12:48 PM | Email this entry
August 17, 2006
Still more lines I've excised from my forthcoming novel
A hush came over the natatorium as Nate removed his towel with a matador's angry flourish.
Electric donuts, he thought. Of course!
He sniffed the air, tentatively at first, and then with abandon, tilting his head back, closing his eyes and cupping his hands to his nostrils.
That sound could only mean one thing: Someone had dropped an enormous box of bells.
"Well," he sighed, stroking the dolphin absentmindedly, "I guess it's time for lunch."
Posted by teb at 12:09 PM | Email this entry
August 16, 2006
What I Learned from the News about Coffee
From the New York Times:
Researchers have found strong evidence that coffee reduces the risk of several serious ailments, including, diabetes, heart disease and cirrhosis of the liver.
Yea! Coffee is good for you!
From the Daily Mirror:
Drinking coffee can cause a heart attack within an hour, say medical experts. The risk rises up to 60 per cent in occasional drinkers and people with a high risk of heart disease.
UNLESS IT KILLS YOU! AHH!
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
August 15, 2006
Game over
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you have spent (wasted?) a considerable -- inordinate, even -- amount of time clicking and pressing your way through a series of pixilated challenges in an effort to free the nameless digital president from the clutches of a radical and violent group known by the ironic appellation "Sons of Liberty," a shadowy collective bent on creating generic mayhem in pursuit of unspecified goals. Along the way you have, regrettably but necessarily, slain countless weapon-wielding assailants in your tireless quest to penetrate to the core of Shell 2 where the nameless digital president is being held. You have outwitted wily guards, shot down deadly drones, and traversed unstable bridges while dodging automatic gunfire. A stroll in the park it was not.
Now you must retrieve the remote-controlled missile launcher by swimming through a maze of flooded passageways and then fire a missile through an air duct and into the central control room in order to neutralize the power source for Shell 2. This will turn off the electric force-field protecting the door to the room where the nameless digital president is being held. After retrieving the remote-controlled missile launcher, you give your thumbs a break. In the interim, a well-meaning person -- a person you love without reservation or qualification -- innocently switches off the console, assuming it had been mistakenly left running. In addition, you have stupidly neglected to save your progress.
What, then, do you do? After you recover from the shock of this unexpected setback, you set about re-retrieving the remote-controlled missile launcher and, once again, attempt to neutralize the power source at the core of Shell 2. You have no choice: The nameless digital president must be saved.
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
August 14, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Fully intend to mow lawn
Observe that while Toys "R" Us has lots of toys, Babies "R" Us offers no babies – just strollers and crap like that.
See 10-year-old boy wearing Nirvana T-shirt. Realize he was born after Cobain offed himself. Feel exceedingly old.
Read US Weekly while standing in line at Target. Find out that Vince Vaughn has proposed to Jennifer Aniston -- with a ring bigger than the one Brad gave her!!!! OMG!!!
Wave from porch at passers-by
Overhear man hit on woman using the line "Damn, baby. I don't mean to offend you but ... damn! You know what I'm saying?"
Watch "40-Year-Old Virgin." Recognize song played during one scene as the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero," a TV show that was on from 1981 to 1983. Feel exceedingly old.
Send broken iPod back to Apple. Rediscover ambient noise.
Posted by teb at 10:07 AM | Email this entry
August 11, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the new dog
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
There is a new dog in the neighborhood. Her name is Charlotte. We met one morning earlier this week. We sniffed noses. We sniffed butts. We rubbed up against each other, as is customary during such introductions. This went on for a minute or so without incident.
Then, sans warning, she attacked me. I responded in kind (what else could I do?) and we engaged in a brief yet spirited struggle that ended only when we were forcibly separated. Charlotte was then dragged back inside her house and I continued on my walk, agitated but uninjured.
What to make of this initial encounter? Inauspicious, to be sure. But perhaps, at heart, Charlotte is a friendly dog and this was simply an aberration. I hope so. That said, I will be considerably less sanguine in the future about letting her sniff my butt.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
August 10, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- Headline from the Washington Post:
Cuba Condemns U.S. Broadcasts
I'm with Castro on this one. "Desperate Housewives" is totally overrated.
-- From the Los Angeles Times:
"As a Virginia resident, I will take the actions necessary to remove my name from the Texas ballot. To do anything else would be hypocrisy," DeLay said in a statement.
And we all know he wouldn't do anything hypocritical unless, you know, it involves an all-expenses paid golf trip to Scotland on a lobbyist's dime. Just as an example.
-- From an article in Life Style Extra about Tom Cruise's baby:
The 'Top Gun' star is a devout follower of Scientology which does not allow cooing over babies as they believe it may effect their development.
Aww. Aren't your beliefs sooo cute? Oh yes they are.
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
August 09, 2006
MT Index
Number of keyboards I have ruined by spilling beverages on them this summer: 2
Amount of money I have spent replacing the two keyboards I've ruined by spilling beverages on them: $69.98
Number of lunches at Baja Fresh that would buy: 17
Number of couches currently in the upstairs bathroom because I'm refinishing the floor in our spare bedroom: 1
Number of elliptical machines in the bathroom for the same reason: 1
Number of books that are stacked on the floor because we are rearranging shelves in the house: 8 million (give or take)
Number of other around-the-house projects I'm sort of half working on: 93
Number of babies that could arrive at. any. moment: 1
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
August 08, 2006
A service to you, dear reader
People search for things on the Internet. Sometimes they find what they're looking for. Sometimes they do not. And sometimes, through no fault of their own, they end up here.
-- "liquor store slogans"
Promoting violent crime and liver failure since 1998.
-- "how to put a leash on a hedgehog"
First, you must ... really?
-- "fork vs. spoon"
-- "new way to do car jackings"
Have you considered using puppets?
-- "main ingredient of slim jim"
Salted evil.
-- "could you repeat your name for me please"
Tom. T-O-M. As in major.
-- "why does my dog dig in the couch"
Perhaps it has something to do with the meat-filled cushions.
-- "who writes minortweaks"
Elves. Tiny, angry elves.
Posted by teb at 10:43 AM | Email this entry
August 07, 2006
The three songs played (loudly and clangily) by the filthy, dinged-up ice-cream truck that cruises our neighborhood incessantly -- listed in ascending order of creepiness
-- My Favorite Things
-- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
-- O Come, All Ye Faithful
Posted by teb at 08:16 AM | Email this entry
August 04, 2006
OFF LEASH: On ethics
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Daily life is replete with ethical quandaries. These are not the well-worn examples trotted out in philosophy classes involving, say, two men clinging to a raft that can only support one of them. No, these are more trivial and yet also more relevant.
For instance, sometimes I am served two dinners. Perhaps there has been some miscommunication between the people who feed me. Or perhaps it has been decided that, on a given day, for reasons unknown yet potentially valid, I am deserving of a second dinner. There is no way to be sure.
How, then, should I respond? I could refuse to eat the second dinner, of course. But my refusal might be interpreted as ingratitude -- and that's the last thing I'd want. Also, I tend to err on the side of eating.
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry
August 03, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Dasani
Dear Dasani,
First of all, let me say how much I love your water. Clean, pure, refreshing -- Dasani is the opposite of gross. Very good!
I was wondering, though, what the word "Dasani" means. My cousin said it's Latin for "tap water" but I think he’s lying. Besides, he’s not even my real cousin!
Thanks in advance!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Bartlett. We are always thrilled to hear from our loyal consumers and are glad that you took the time to share your comments about DASANI.
As a consumer-oriented Company, feedback from our consumers is extremely important to us.
People are having a lot of fun guessing the origin of the name DASANI. One Coca-Cola executive jokingly said it sounded like a "Roman god of water." Actually, the name DASANI is an original creation. Consumer testing showed that the name is relaxing and suggests pureness and replenishment.
Again, we appreciate your loyalty and patronage. If you have additional questions or comments, please feel free to contact us again. Best wishes!
Jennifer
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company
Posted by teb at 08:36 AM | Email this entry
August 02, 2006
Anglican Book of Common Prayer: The Movie
From the Washington Post on Mel Gibson's apology:
"But after the film grossed more than $600 million, those execs raised Gibson on their shoulders and began optioning every goyish property from Paul's Epistle to the Ephesians to the Anglican Book of Common Prayer."
INT. MANSION – DAY
KARL (Jamie Foxx) is reading from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer while his partner BRUCE (Brad Pitt) is stealing diamonds from a wall safe.
KARL: Watch ye, for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cock-crowing, or in the morning; lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping.
BRUCE: He won't find me sleeping [SNAPS clip into his semiautomatic handgun]. Grab the diamonds -- let's get out of here!
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
BRUCE is driving while KARL is in the passenger's seat, holding the bag of diamonds and the Anglican Book of Common Prayer. They are being chased by dozens of police cars and a helicopter. Bullets are whizzing by their heads.
BRUCE: They’re gaining on us!
KARL (reading): O God, make speed to save us. O Lord, make haste to help us.
BRUCE: I second that!
INT. MOTEL – NIGHT
BRUCE and KARL are celebrating after outrunning the cops. Empty beer cans are scattered on the floor; the bag of diamonds sits next to the TV.
BRUCE: Not a bad day's work, huh?
KARL (reading): Praise be to the Almighty who guides us.
BRUCE: Amen, my brother. Amen!
Posted by teb at 09:41 AM | Email this entry
August 01, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From an article in USA Today about Internet plagiarism:
"They're like cockroaches," McKee says. "Ideas are our assets, and it's frustrating when people take them from you without shame."
Yes, cockroaches are like plagiarists in that both ... um. Actually, you can keep that idea.
-- From an article in the New York Times on Mel Gibson's arrest:
"The pervasiveness of the Internet has caused a dramatic increase in the dissemination of news," said Michael S. Sitrick, chairman of Sitrick & Company, who specializes in crisis communications.
Mr. Sitrick then explained how the tubes that make up the Internet are in no way like a dump truck.
-- From the Associated Press on a misprinted phone number in Honda's owner's manuals:
Owners who dial the 800 prefix hear a recorded message in which a woman's voice, speaking over a funky beat, urges them to call 1-800-918-TALK for "just 99 cents per minute."
No, my head gasket really is blown.
Posted by teb at 10:34 AM | Email this entry