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September 29, 2006
OFF LEASH: On appearances
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
All of us present an image to the world. "This," we say, "is how I wish to be seen."
It's not the truth, of course. And it's not a lie either -- at least not exactly. It's more like a convenient, necessary fiction.
On that note, allow me to direct your attention to my new mugshot. Nice, no? I think it captures the fact that I love pretty much everybody. And by "pretty much everybody" I do not mean the FedEx guy whom, given time and opportunity, I would certainly devour.
Posted by teb at 12:09 PM | Email this entry
September 28, 2006
The grim future that awaits us should gay marriage be made legal
Rep. Marilyn Musgrave talking on C-Span2 about her strident opposition to gay marriage:
The future is grim unless we do what we need to do to win this battle.
-- Have to book wedding chapels further in advance.
-- Will deprive neoconservatives of a fake issue that distracts the nation from the fact that they've invaded another country for no good reason.
-- Will make reruns of "Will & Grace" seem dated
-- Will undermine heterosexual marriages because, see, if the ... um ... hey, look over there!
-- Basic human rights might make gays "all uppity."
Posted by teb at 11:49 AM | Email this entry
September 27, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Associated Press:
The fugitive former chief executive of leading voicemail software maker Comverse Technology Inc. has been captured in Africa following a two-month international manhunt, U.S. officials announced Wednesday.
He really was away from his desk.
-- From BBC News:
Intel is offering $1m in prizes to designers and manufacturers who can come up with sexier alternatives to the "big, beige box".
Yeah, and then give it a cool icon -- like a piece of fruit with a bite missing -- and after that perhaps come up with a catchy, friendly nickname like Buddy or, I don't know, Mac.
-- Headline from the San Francisco Chronicle:
A War Against Intelligence
Finally, something the Bush administration can win.
Posted by teb at 01:27 PM | Email this entry
September 26, 2006
Witty comebacks I'm waiting for just the right opportunity to use
-- What part of "Iberian peninsula" don't you understand?
-- Extra bacon indeed.
-- I don't manufacture garbage. However, I do incinerate it.
-- Arbor Day, Shmarbor Day.
-- Yes, colonel, I believe that's why they call it al fresco.
Posted by teb at 12:05 PM | Email this entry
September 25, 2006
What I learned from the yellow flyer stuck in my door
-- Larry Perrin still Believes that Every other Word should Be capitalized!
-- Larry Perrin encourages everyone to keep U.S. Troups [sic] in our daily prayers!
-- Large and SMALL! He sells them all!
-- There are Party Rooms and then there are DELUXE PARTY ROOMS!
-- School is back in session so we should all be extra-vigilent [sic] while driving!
-- Sometimes you put a space immediately preceding an exclamation point ! And sometimes you don't!
-- Two exclamation points are better than one!! Better still: three!!!
-- And, as always, everything Larry Perrin touches turns to SOLD!
Posted by teb at 11:43 AM | Email this entry
September 22, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the baby
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Earlier this week, while on my morning walk, a neighbor called out: "Hey, what does Fiddler think of the new baby?" This question has arisen with surprising frequency since the little bundle's arrival this month, so let me address it here.
Initially I was disturbed by the astonishing decibel level of the baby's high-pitched cries, causing me to pace from room to room and emit concerned, high-pitched noises of my own. After a few days, however, my agitation diminished. Now, when the baby sounds distressed, I attempt to lick his feet. Or the back of his head. Or pretty much whatever part of him is currently exposed. This soothing technique seems mostly ineffective, despite my enthusiastic and tireless efforts.
So, in short, I like the baby just fine. Though I would like him more if he could reach the bag of treats.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry
September 21, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Sleep
Pros:
[None]
Cons:
-- Boring
-- Horizontal
-- Unnecessary
Posted by teb at 01:31 PM | Email this entry
September 20, 2006
Headlines From Around The House
Grass Grows Amid Calls For Mowing
Waaah: Baby's Nightime Pleadings Cause House-Wide Consternation
Odor Traced To Rancid Hummus
Failed Stamp Search Leads To Post Office Errand
Nap Lasts Longer Than Expected
Posted by teb at 11:34 AM | Email this entry
September 19, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Associated Press on assault allegations against Hank Williams Jr.:
Williams, 57, who lives in Paris, Tenn., remains free on his own recognizance. Assault carries up to 11 months and 29 days in jail ...
On the upside, he can make some new rowdy friends.
-- From the Associated Press on the newest Elmo toy:
He's still red, fuzzy and really ticklish, but now Elmo's laughing fits have him slapping his knee, falling to the floor, rolling over and pounding his arm.
Elmo then soils himself, makes an obscene remark, and stumbles home.
Posted by teb at 02:04 PM | Email this entry
September 18, 2006
Actual conversation with telemarketer
Telemarketer: "I'm looking for Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Hmm."
Telemarketer: "Is this Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Who?"
Telemarketer: "Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Thomas who?"
Telemarketer: "Thomas Bartlett."
Me: "Ah."
Telemarketer: "Are you Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Am I Thomas Bartlett?"
Telemarketer: "Yes."
Me: "Wait. Who?"
Telemarketer: "Are you?"
Me: "Am I?"
Telemarketer: "Are you Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Could you repeat the name?"
Telemarketer: "I'm looking for Thomas Bartlett."
Me: "Okay."
Telemarketer: "This is a no-obligation phone call."
Me: "Who are you looking for?"
Telemarketer: "Thomas Bartlett."
Me: "Oh."
Telemarketer: "Is that you?"
Me: "What was the name again?"
Telemarketer: "Thomas Bartlett."
Me: "Sounds familiar."
Telemarketer: "I'm from [some mortgage company]"
Me: "And you're calling for Thomas Bartlett?"
Telemarketer: "Right."
Me: "Well, I'm glad we cleared that up."
Telemarketer: "Are you Thomas Bartlett?"
Me: "Sometimes. I have to go now."
Posted by teb at 10:13 AM | Email this entry
September 15, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the Muttawa
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Saudi Arabia's religious police, called the Muttawa, recently banned the sale of dogs, saying that they -- we -- are unclean.
Unclean? Unclean! How dare ... okay, maybe I am a little unclean. You'd get dirty, too, if you rolled around in wet grass, dug furious holes in the dirt and bathed, say, once a month -- if that. My fear of running water makes bathing an unpleasant prospect. But, for the record, I do lick myself pretty thoroughly. Some might argue that my saliva is not technically "clean" but that's just semantics.
It should be noted that the sale of cats has also been banned. While this action has been criticized as well, I am trying to keep an open mind. Maybe the Muttawa has a point there.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
September 14, 2006
Baby glossary
Onesie: A one-piece outfit that must be pulled over a baby's head, an action that will almost certainly displease aforementioned baby.
Boppy: A horseshoe-shaped cushion that is useful when feeding the baby and is always, always in another room.
Bassinet: A place to store the baby's clothes, stuffed animals, blankets, swaddlers, bibs, wipes and assorted paraphernalia.
Graco: Manufacturer of costly plastic contraptions to which babies can be strapped, buckled, or otherwise lashed.
Sleeper: Warm, footed sleeping suits that should be more widely available in adult sizes.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
September 13, 2006
A guide to buying digital cameras
I am shopping for a new digital camera. Naturally this has involved a fair amount of research on brands and features. There are a lot of options out there and deciding which camera is right for you can be a challenge. In the interest of helping other consumers with this often-confusing task, I would like to pass on some of what I have learned:
There's more to a digital camera than just megapixels and battery life. What's the shutter lag time? Point three is pretty good, certainly preferable to one point one, but is it genuinely better than point five? And don't confuse shutter lag with next-shot delay, which remember has nothing to do with flash range, which can be anywhere from seven to 21.
Optical zoom is also important, though you should know whether it's mechanical zoom, which is probably better than non-mechanical but also drains away battery life. Oh and if you're planning to do a lot of zooming it's handy to have a built-in image stabilizer though some stabilizers are optical while others are simulated and optical beats simulated but simulated is likely what you'll get in a smaller, pocket-sized cameras, which are more convenient but often have less zoom capability except when they have more, which is sometimes the case. You'll also want to ask whether the camera can take wide-angle pictures and if so does its software allow for real-time stitching of panoramic shots and, if it does, will someone please stop putting so many damn features on these things because seriously I'm just about at the end of my rope here and ALL I WANT IS A FREAKING CAMERA THAT TAKES DECENT PICTURES AND DOESN'T HAVE AN INSTRUCTION BOOKLET THE THICKNESS OF A DOCTORAL DISSERTATION SO ENOUGH WITH THE SCI-FI FEATURES THAT I'LL NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE ANYWAY PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP AHHHHH!
Hope that was helpful.
Posted by teb at 01:10 PM | Email this entry
September 12, 2006
A very sort of special Minor Tweaks
A "flashback episode," in the argot of the small screen, is one in which characters "remember" scenes from previous shows. It is a threadbare gimmick that even the slightly savvy viewer sees through instantly. The convention usually calls for a crude deus ex machina -- like, say, a power outage -- so characters have sufficient-seeming reason to take a 22-minute stroll down memory lane.
I was thinking about this recently whilst trapped in a well. My mind then drifted to the time I tried to convince Kellie to kill me. Fortunately she was uncooperative. I then thought about how it would be nice to be able to fly, which naturally reminded me of the postmodern experience of air travel. Without much else to do down there, I had a little conversation with myself (something I've done before). I then pledged that in the future I would be less demanding and try to focus on the good, cute things in life. It was hard to forecast how things would turn out; I could only hope someone would find me.
And then someone did. I was saved! And I learned something, too, i.e. the importance of not falling down wells. The end.
Posted by teb at 04:29 PM | Email this entry
September 11, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Associated Press on Michael Moore's documentary about the health-care industry:
Ken Johnson, senior vice president of the trade group Pharmaceutical Researchers and Manufacturers of America, said industry officials were "freaking out and pulling their hair out" when they first got word of Moore's documentary.
Hope their HMO covers follicle replacement.
-- From the Associated Press:
Computer maker Dell will delay filing its quarterly results statement with the Securities and Exchange Commission by the expected date, as the company said Monday an informal SEC probe has raised the "possibility of misstatements in prior period financial reports."
Dude, you're getting an indictment.
-- From a Time article headlined "Does God Want You To Be Rich?":
"Who would want to get in on something where you're miserable, poor, broke and ugly and you just have to muddle through until you get to heaven?" asks Joyce Meyer, a popular television preacher and author often lumped in the Prosperity Lite camp. "I believe God wants to give us nice things."
Jesus wept.
Posted by teb at 09:22 AM | Email this entry
September 08, 2006
How to enliven an extremely dull anecdote by employing creative literary techniques (3)
-- Use punctuation to create suspense
Last night I went to CVS to pick up a ... prescription and to get ... baby wipes. But, I, forgot, the, baby wipes. So I had to go back (to the store!).
-- Write it like a hard-boiled detective story
It was dark. I needed baby wipes. A prescription too. As I sped away, I got a funny feeling, like something wasn't quite right. Little did I know.
-- Embellish for "obvious dramatic reasons" like James Frey
It was Dark Outside and I had to get baby wipes and a Prescription. I started Thinking about all those years I spent in prison and about the time I woke up Bleeding on an Airplane. Then I got in a Brawl with a few dozen Thick Necked cops. In the midst of all this, I forgot the baby wipes, so I had to go back to the store with Blood In My Eyes.
Posted by teb at 12:44 PM | Email this entry
September 07, 2006
Search and enjoy
If you search for something on the Intertubes and somehow manage to stumble onto Minor Tweaks, my hosting service records your search term. I don't know how it works, but I do know that people care a lot about two things: Nintencats and the address of rapper 50 Cent's house. And at least one person wants semi-nude pictures of Lea Thompson. Not nude, mind you -- that would be creepy.
-- "postmodern boondoggle"
Otherwise known as graduate school.
-- "does some cats like cheese"
Yes some cats does.
-- "mr clean magic reach cleaning coupons"
You're in luck! Just print out this entry and present it to the cashier for a dollar off your next purchase. If the cashier says "That's not a real coupon" just say "Oh yes it is." If that doesn't work, cause a scene. You know your rights and you won't be treated like this!
-- "does psychosis come back when off of meds"
Nah.
-- "how many trees can you save by using charmin"
Four. But only if you hurl it at lumberjacks.
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
September 06, 2006
New parents = wimps
New parents always complain about the lack of sleep, how it leaves you muddle-headed, unable to think clearly, prone to mistakes. To which I say: Nonsens! I'm just as bright, sharp, and error-free at ever. Not to mention equally thoughtful and insentient.
I meant "encisive." Wait -- no. Let me look it up.
No results found for encisive.
What? This stupid Internet dictionary is broken. You get what you par for, I guess.
Whatever. It doesn't matter. I think my point is clean.
Posted by teb at 03:00 PM | Email this entry
September 05, 2006
A few comments on the reading material at the pediatrician's office
-- One Twin Too Many from the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen "Two of a Kind" book series
While I didn't have time to read One Twin Too Many, I can only assume it chronicles a spat between the two sisters that turns into an all-out brawl culminating in a fratricidal bloodbath. And by "assume" I mean "hope."
-- The picture book Do You Want To Be My Friend?
The wordless plot, such as it is, involves a lonely mouse searching for companionship. He (or perhaps she: questions of gender go unaddressed) approaches various animals -- a kangaroo, an elephant, a monkey, etc. -- and tries to be friends with them. In each case the mouse is rejected. In the end, the mouse befriends another mouse. Message: Reaching out to those who are different results in certain disappointment. Stick to your own kind.
-- The back page in Highlights magazine titled "How many silly things can you find in this picture?"
Let's see, there's the goat on the roof. I guess that's silly. On the other hand, goats are famously good climbers and I'm sure find their way onto roofs from time to time. So that's not "silly" in the same sense as the boy in the foreground wearing an astronaut's helmet. Although even that's not really squirrel-wearing-a-tuxedo kind of silly. Actually I'm not sure a squirrel in a tuxedo is silly either. Strikes me as just plain awesome.
Posted by teb at 04:19 PM | Email this entry
September 04, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: James Polk
"A Million Ways To Be Cruel" (OK GO): Weezer-lite but you fellas sure make cute videos.
"Mountain Dew" (The Clancy Brothers): It's got twice as much caffeine, you know.
"Here's Your Future" (The Thermals): There goes your past.
"I Wish I Was A Mole In The Ground" (Bascom Lamar Lunsford): Don't we all?
"I Know My Shapes" (Baby Einstein): I'm learning to love it.
Posted by teb at 06:30 AM | Email this entry
September 01, 2006
Actual conversation with telemarketer
-- Can I speak to Ms. Bartlett?
-- May I tell her who is calling?
-- This is [so-and-so] with [some mortgage company].
-- May I tell her what this is regarding?
-- It's regarding an opportunity to obtain pre-approved financing for the purposes of home improvement.
-- I'm pretty sure she's not interested in that.
-- She's not interested in home improvement?
-- No. She hates home improvement.
-- Really?
-- Oh yeah. Top of her list. There's nothing she hates more than home improvement. Boy, you should hear her talk about her strong dislike of home improvement! It's really something.
-- This is about financing ...
-- She hates financing too. Home improvement and financing. Hates them both equally. Which is to say a lot.
-- Okay ... well. Thank you.
-- Bye now.
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry