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October 31, 2006
Last-minute costume ideas
-- Purchase two staple guns. When friends ask what you're supposed to be, shoot staples at them.
-- Put an old white sheet over your head. (Don't forget the ear holes!)
-- Stuff your pockets with ground beef. Hello Mr. Meat Pants.
-- Shave off all body hair and cover yourself with maple syrup. Tell people you're "crazy."
Posted by teb at 11:14 AM | Email this entry
October 30, 2006
Some waves and when to use them
-- "Queenie"
Right arm bent at elbow. Arm should be motionless. Make sure right hand is more or less even with chin. Move hand from side to side, keeping fingers pressed together tightly.
Uses: Beauty contests, coronations, concession speeches
-- "Ol' Flappy"
Hold either arm aloft. Open and close hand as if pinching the air.
Uses: Bidding farewell to a casual acquaintance/client/long-lost nephew/former mistress/cellmate
-- "Luckless Hayseed"
Listlessly move arm in "windshield wiper" pattern, making sure to keep wrist loose
Uses: From bus window when leaving small town for big city in futile pursuit of stardom
-- "The McDougal"
Fully extend both arms and shake entire body.
Uses: Greeting least-attractive sorority sister or distracting enemy gunfire so rest of platoon can take hill
-- "El Gato Hambriento (The Hungry Cat)"
Fingers should be stiff, bent and claw-like. Move arms as if digging a tunnel in slow-motion.
Uses: Job interview, first date
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
October 27, 2006
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Huggies Baby Wipes
Dear Huggies Baby Wipes,
First of all, let me say how much I love your baby wipes. They're so moist and soft I actually look forward to diaper changes -- and so does my baby!
I'm also pleased that Huggies Baby Wipes come in so many great scents, like lavender and chamomile. I was wondering, though: what about peppermint? Nothing says "clean" like peppermint, except maybe bleach. But bleach baby wipes are probably a bad idea. I recognize that. Peppermint, though -- that's a winner!
Let me know what you decide.
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Thomas,
Thanks for your e-mail about HUGGIES® NATURAL CARE baby wipes.
We appreciate the time you took to e-mail us, and we're happy to learn that our products have pleased you. Because your compliments are very important to us, we will be sure to share them with our product teams.
Over the years, our research staff has considered many aspects of product design including variations in the ingredients, scents, size, and thickness of our HUGGIES NATURAL CARE baby wipes. Although others have suggested different fragrances, we will continue to evaluate all possible product improvements as part of our continuing research efforts.
To thank you for your loyalty to our products, we're sending you special coupons through the mail.
Lynn
Coordinator, Outside Suggestions
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Posted by teb at 09:44 AM | Email this entry
October 26, 2006
PROS AND CONS: Old Testament God
Pros:
-- Created world and all that's in it
-- Takes no guff
-- Not boring
Cons:
-- Mean
-- Plays favorites
-- Smitey
Posted by teb at 10:56 AM | Email this entry
October 25, 2006
Humidifier vs. Dehumidifier: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN! REMATCH!
Humidifier: So we meet again, eh Dehumidifier? I guess you haven't learned your lesson. Well, class is in session! I mentioned last time that the word "quit" isn’t in my vocabulary. Just so you know, neither is the phrase "give up" except when used to describe what you should do! I'm plugged in, filled up and ready to regulate me some air-moisture content! You know what I'm saying! Or, if you don't, you should, because I'm not sure how I could make it any clearer without belaboring the point. And allow me to add: fool!
Dehumidifier: Long time, no see, Humidifier! I had almost forgotten about you. Where have you been all summer? Tucked away in the attic, huh? How sad. It makes me want to cry. Not really – I'm just being sarcastic. Plus, I don’t actually produce moisture; rather, I suck it from the air! Boy, do I suck! I'm speaking literally here, not figuratively. Actually you're the one who sucks (this time I'm speaking figuratively). But talk is cheap and sometimes confusing! So let's get down to business, i.e., the business of me showing you who’s boss. Namely me. Boo yeah!
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
October 24, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From BBC News:
Two men accused of plotting to steal trade secrets from Coca-Cola and sell them to rival PepsiCo have pleaded guilty in a US federal court.
Here's a secret: It tastes like battery acid.
-- Headline from The Independent:
Heavy use of mobile phones can make men infertile, scientists say
Don't worry, baby -- I've been on the phone all day.
-- Bush talking about e-mail via CNET:
"I don't want to receive e-mails because, you know, there's no telling what somebody's e-mail may--it would show up as, you know, a part of some kind of a story, and I wouldn't be able to say, 'Well, I didn't read the email.' 'But I sent it to your address, how can you say you didn't?'"
Because, you know, it will make it harder to, you know, lie and stuff like that.
-----
You know what I think about toasters. You've read my opinions on coolers. But what, pray tell, do I think about irons?
Posted by teb at 12:35 PM | Email this entry
October 23, 2006
Understanding your baby's expressions: A brief guide
Squinty eyes, corners of mouth turned down
Your baby disapproves of your clothing choices. Solution: Try to dress better.
Eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed
Your baby can't figure out why people love that dancing show on TV so damn much. Solution: None.
Tongue protruding from slightly open mouth
Your baby is doing an impression of an inebriated, post-Godfather Marlon Brando. Solution: Applause.
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
October 20, 2006
OFF LEASH: On water
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Stolen waters are sweet, the Bible tells us, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
Now, I have no particular fondness for bread no matter where it’s consumed. But I do prefer “stolen” water, i.e., water that is somewhere other than in my bowl. In the gutter, for instance, or in a garbage can's upturned lid. Why is this? After all, my bowl is filled with cold, filtered water while the water outside is tepid, stagnant and swimming with disease.
Perhaps it's the allure of the forbidden, as the verse implies, or the simple pleasure of the unexpected. I don't know. But if the vigorous yanking on my leash is any indication, my predilection for dirty water is neither appreciated nor condoned. Not that this does much to stop me -- I'm just noting it for the record.
Posted by teb at 09:33 AM | Email this entry
October 19, 2006
Why I'm Hitting Snooze
Consciousness only leads to trouble
Dream finally getting good
Sun too bright
Show alarm who's boss
Horizontal is the new vertical
Waiting for better song on clock/radio
So. Very. Warm.
Posted by teb at 07:38 AM | Email this entry
October 18, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From the Daily Telegraph:
Condoleezza Rice warned North Korea today that America would use the “full range” of its military powers if Pyongyang launched a nuclear strike on Japan.
Yeah, no copycats.
-- From the Associated Press:
More than one in eight U.S. adults finds it hard to stay away from the Internet for several days at a time and about one in 11 tries to hide his or her online habit, according to a study released on Tuesday.
I didn’t read this article on the Internet. Honest. I just, you know, read it somewhere … else.
-- From the Daily Telegraph:
Further into the future, Dr. Curry predicted, humans will decline physically and lose key social and interactive skills thanks to an overdependence on technology ...
That’s stupid! An opinion I will now express in a blog post -- which I wrote while sitting alone in my kitchen, staring at my laptop.
Posted by teb at 11:30 AM | Email this entry
October 17, 2006
People search for things on the Internet, stumble on Minor Tweaks, and their search terms -- often bizarre and usually misspelled -- are recorded then posted for all to see
-- "Evan Dando tattoo"
What about a mermaid or a unicorn? Either would be less wimpy.
-- "poster of a window"
All the fun of a real window without the annoying sunlight.
-- “dear people in the world”
Um, yes? We’re listening.
-- "should men use olay"
Sure -- I don’t see why not.
-- "easter squirrel"
It’s starting to catch on
-- "List of ways to say goodbye toodles later"
Peace out, chow, see ya, popozao
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
October 16, 2006
Actual things said to me by the vivacious elderly woman who lives a couple of blocks over
-- “I just got a new robe, Tom. But don’t get excited -- we’re not talking about Victoria’s Secret or anything.
-- She once asked me whether it would be okay to contact the widow of a man she had an affair with considering that he’s long since dead.
-- She told me that, in her younger days, she jumped out of cakes holding a toy machine gun.
-- “Idiots, Tom. All these people are idiots.”
-- She recounted finding a baby squirrel and nursing it back to health. “It was naked, Tom. It was as naked as you or I.”
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry
October 13, 2006
OFF LEASH: On suckers
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
There is, P.T. Barnum is credited with opining, one born every minute. This would mean 1,440 of them are born a day, 525,600 per annum. Whether this calculus is correct I, of course, cannot be sure.
I am, however, certain they exist. I know this because one of them has been a guest in my house for the last week. I need only look at her with big, sad eyes and a treat will soon appear. I need only stand near her in the kitchen and a piece of chicken or turkey will be placed in my mouth.
You might think that, after a while, I would feel guilty taking advantage of such a soft-hearted (headed?) person. But that is when one must remember the words of that great cigar-chomping philosopher W.C. Fields: Never give a sucker an even break.
Posted by teb at 10:02 AM | Email this entry
October 12, 2006
Metro reflections
-- What is that smell?
-- Older woman with rolling suitcase, talking on her cell phone: "Well, look, it's her hair."
-- It's like burned watermelon mixed with aftershave.
-- Is it illegal to tattoo your baby? Wrong, sure, but is there a law?
-- It's like roses dipped in furniture polish.
-- "Night Court" was a good show. Not the early episodes; I'm talking about the Markie Post years.
-- Another woman on her cell phone: "Don't rush me. I need to find a decent job. It's a process."
-- It's like gasoline and bananas with a dash of freshly ground cinnamon.
Posted by teb at 11:30 AM | Email this entry
October 11, 2006
A Ten-Step Guide to Disassembling Our Futon
1. Remove the surprisingly heavy, unwieldy mattress. Knock over end table in the process.
2. Once the mattress has been removed, try to remember how to disassemble the frame. Stare at it for several minutes from different angles.
3. Take a break.
4. Continue to stare at the futon frame. After several more minutes have passed, give it a good kick.
5. Put the frame in its "down" position and see if that helps.
6. It doesn't.
7. Return the frame to its "up" position and stare at it a while longer.
8. Struggle with the futon for a solid fifteen minutes -- cursing and sweating the entire time -- until you manage, miraculously, to pull the thing apart without breaking it.
9. Drag the disassembled futon into the yard.
10. Set it aflame.
Posted by teb at 10:38 AM | Email this entry
October 10, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- Headline from some random website:
Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie bury the hatchet
Turns out, they rekindled their friendship. I saw "Paris Hilton" and "hatchet" in the same headline and got overly excited.
-- Headline from The Age:
Schizophrenia needs re-naming: experts
Opinion on what to call it, however, remains split.
-- From the Associated Press:
In another sign of its battle to win the hearts and minds of recruiting-age Americans, the Army is replacing its main ad slogan -- "An Army of One" -- with one it hopes will pack more punch: "Army Strong."
I guess "Army Desperate" would be too honest.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
October 09, 2006
Why Is My Baby Crying?: A New Parent's Checklist
-- Has your baby recently won a major sporting event?
-- Is your baby trying to get out of a ticket?
-- Is your baby auditioning for a role in a film or play?
-- Has your baby been fired?
-- Has your baby just finished Possession by A.S. Byatt?
-- Has your baby been chopping onions?
-- Is your baby frustrated by the intractability of Middle East tensions?
-- Is your baby kind of a wuss?
Posted by teb at 02:53 AM | Email this entry
October 06, 2006
OFF LEASH: On indecision
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
There is nothing more miserable, William James once said, than indecision. Bertrand Russell deemed indecision the height of exhaustion and futility.
I think Billy and Bertie were right on. And yet there are times in life when one is pulled firmly in opposing directions -- for instance, when it is raining and I have to pee. I hate and fear the rain, yet I have to pee. What do I do?
I was presented with just such a dilemma this morning. The first two times the door was opened, I declined to go in the yard -- even though I really, really wanted to. The third time, however, I forced myself to trot out, quickly do my business, and return. My need to pee trumped my fear of rain.
Afterwards, I shook myself dry and resumed my cowering.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
October 05, 2006
I blame you, YouTube
I blame you, YouTube.
If not for your fast loading time and infinite variety, I would never have seen that video in which a praying mantis devours an unsuspecting dragonfly. I did not need to see that.
I blame you, YouTube.
Am I a better person because I have spent six minutes watching Craig Ferguson interview Emily Deschanel? I don't even know who Emily Deschanel is.
I blame you, YouTube.
I am not the sort of person who watches a video of a wedding reception that devolves into a drunken brawl. And yet ...
I blame you, YouTube.
And your accomplice, wireless Internet access. You have conspired to keep me from engaging in any productive activity. You are ruining me, one two-minute clip at a time.
Actually, forget I said that. I don't like it when we fight, YouTube. Do you have a hilarious Wendy's training video from the 1980s called "Grill Skillz?" You do? You're the best, YouTube!
Also: I hate you.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
October 04, 2006
What I Learned from the Pottery Barn catalog
-- Call it "retro" and suddenly an old, corded phone is worth 80 bucks.
-- Sorry: pebble and pear are Internet/catalog only.
-- Jute is supple.
-- It's somehow cool to put your books on a shelf with the spines facing inward so you can't see the damn titles.
-- Not an actual barn full of pottery.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
October 03, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- From Bloomberg:
North Korea agreed in principle on Sept. 19 last year to abandon its nuclear weapons program.
And by "in principle" they meant "not really because we're ruled by a crazy little man who wears sunglasses indoors, thinks he's James Bond, and has an alcohol problem. Oh, and he has nukes too."
-- Headline from Life Style Extra:
George Michael Denies Drug Problem
In other news, sun denies shining.
-- From BBC News:
A US judge has ordered the arrest of singer Bobby Brown after he failed to appear in court.
Why don't they just let him live? Tell him why!
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
October 02, 2006
FEATURED CHEESE: Caciotta with walnuts
Click here for an explanation of cheese ratings
To describe today's cheese, I scanned a cheese-tasting lexicon searching for the mot juste that would do juste to the fromage du jour.
Oily? No.
Piquant? Not quite.
Waxy? Hmmm ... no.
Goaty? I'm not even sure what that means.
Still at a loss, I decided I had no choice but to come up with my own word, a neologism that I trust will become commonplace in cheese-tasting circles worldwide. And here it is: bluck.
Some examples of how it could be used:
"Bluck! What is this?"
"Oh bluck. Hand me a soda."
"Bluck me. This is awful. Holy bluck."
And so on. It does, I think, accurately capture my feeling upon tasting Caciotta with walnuts, a cheese made from sheep's milk and seasoned with evil. Even the walnuts, which are easily a top-five nut in my book, do nothing to mitigate its unmistakable, undeniable, pure and irredeemable bluckiness.
I even considered giving it zero mice. But that would mean not using the silly mouse graphic, of which I am perhaps unduly fond.
----------
In other dairy news, you can read the results of my intrepid investigation into the raw milk underground in the Washington Post Magazine. The free link goes away, I think, in a week -- so drink it in now, like a big, frosty glass of unpasteurized milk.
Posted by teb at 12:40 PM | Email this entry