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November 30, 2006
Messages for my fellow commuters
Guy in black GMC Yukon: I don't know you, and this is probably an unfair assumption, but I'm willing to bet you suck.
Senior citizen in white Camry: Hey, no worries -- just take your own sweet time.
Bright purple Ford pickup truck: I'm getting some mixed messages here.
DHL Delivery truck: It's fine to park in the middle of the freaking street.
Beat-up Oldsmobile, circa 1990, with carefully duct-taped back window: Nice. Very nice.
Guy in Subaru taking notes on other drivers so he can post them on his blog: Pay attention to the road, goofball.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
November 29, 2006
Some advice and general statements from Joe, the taxi driver, who is originally from a small town in Kashmir but now lives in Rosslyn, Virginia
-- "If you go to Kashmir, hire a guide. They are cheap. You need them, believe me. Otherwise you are ... screwed."
-- Joe visited the Middle East as a young man and decided it was "all desert and the people are not very friendly."
-- "If you break into a man's house, even his neighbors will fight you."
-- "President Bush never traveled. That is his problem. He is not interested in the other people of the world."
-- "You call me any time, any time. I will pick you up and take you where you want to go."
Posted by teb at 12:08 PM | Email this entry
November 28, 2006
Rejected blog fodder
-- The divorce of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
Rejected because: Sure, the divorce of a former Playboy bunny and a B-list rock star only months after their three (!) weddings seems eminently risible, but we must remember that famous people hurt, too, that the ups and downs of their personal lives are not played out for our amusement, no matter what the rubbernecking gossip columnists would have us believe. As Kid Rock once sang so movingly: "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy."
-- Headline from Toronto Star: "Bush launches diplomatic offensive"
Rejected because: There's a facile joke to be made here about how Bush couldn't possibly be any more offensive if he tried, but considering the outcome of the mid-term elections, it seems like piling on. Or, to put it another way, it feels like "over-thumpin'."
-- New York Times article on the rich vs. the super-rich in which people who earn salaries in the low six-figures whine about their sad lot in life.
Rejected because: Hard to smirk when jaw is on the floor.
Posted by teb at 10:56 AM | Email this entry
November 27, 2006
What I Learned from the Harry & David catalog
-- "Reciprocate for a kind deed or return the favor of someone's hospitality"
Wait, you're saying I can reciprocate and return a favor? Tell me more!
-- "Scrumptious and so easy to enjoy!"
Finally, a cookie that's not difficult to consume.
-- "Your guests will remark on its mild tenderness and genuine 'bone-in' flavor!"
Guest: "This bone-in flavor tastes genuine to me."
Host: "What the hell are you talking about?"
-- "How unique and different can a holiday basket get?"
You're putting chocolate graham crackers and Christmas tree shortbread IN THE SAME BASKET!?! Oh, Harry & David -- you so crazy!!!
-- "Every superlative applies, starting with the fine chocolate itself."
It's Stalin-tastic!
Posted by teb at 09:37 AM | Email this entry
November 24, 2006
OFF LEASH: On pleasant surprises (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler.
I’m not sure exactly why -- and far be it from me to question -- but yesterday I was given turkey to eat. Good turkey, too, not some pre-digested mush that you squeeze from a packet. No, I’m talking about actual, moist, white turkey breast.
I was just standing there in the kitchen, doing what I do, when somebody reached down and handed me a little chunk of turkey. Wow, I wanted to say, where did that come from? But I didn’t. I played it cool, as if people hand me little bits of freshly cooked turkey all the time. Then, about ten minutes later, it happened again.
As far as I know, I haven’t been especially good lately. Not that I’ve been bad either; I’ve pretty much been my normal self. And yet, out of nowhere, I get turkey. It’s probably best not to over-analyze it and just be, you know, thankful.
Posted by teb at 08:15 AM | Email this entry
November 23, 2006
WILFTN: Thanksgiving edition
-- From CNN:
In an annual White House tradition, President Bush on Wednesday granted a reprieve for a turkey and its alternate ...
The birds were held without charges and then released without explanation.
-- From President Bush's Thanksgiving address:
At this time of great promise for America, we are grateful for the freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution ...
Except for the ones about privacy, having your day in court, separation of church and state -- you know, the Democrat parts.
From the Chicago Tribune:
There is no historical link between the harvest meal in 1621 and America's Thanksgiving narrative. It is, quite simply, a "myth," albeit a cherished one.
Next you'll be telling me that Europeans and American Indians didn't really get along so well ...
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
November 21, 2006
PROS and CONS: Not having access to the Internet all day
PROS:
-- Waste less time reading silly blogs like this one
-- Give mouse thumb a well-deserved rest
-- Enjoy what is commonly known as "sunshine"
CONS:
-- Hard to post MT entry
-- Feel out of loop on TomKat developments
-- Nothing to fill Internet-shaped void
Posted by teb at 11:29 PM | Email this entry
November 20, 2006
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Make mental note to rake leaves at some point
Read lengthy transcript of 1992 interview with Scientology leader and Tom Cruise best man David Miscavige. Have trouble deciding whether to shudder or laugh.
Remember to recharge iPod, laptop, electric razor, electric beard trimmer, bluetooth headset, digital camera, separate charger for extra digital camera battery, other laptop, my cell phone, Kellie's cell phone and regular cordless phone. Oh, and both electric toothbrushes too.
Find cooked squash in back of fridge from, like, three months ago.
Take poor, neglected dog on extra-long walk.
Discover that if you accidentally bump the Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Rockin' Aquarium Gym (that is its actual name) it will light up and start playing music, startling you and waking up the baby.
Ask Home Depot employee for help. Receive the world's blankest look followed by inarticulate grunting.
Posted by teb at 10:20 AM | Email this entry
November 17, 2006
OFF LEASH: On walking
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Yesterday, for reasons I do not fully understand, I did not get my morning walk. In the last two years, the number of times I have gone un-walked can be counted on two paws. It is, in other words, an extremely infrequent occurrence.
Now I am sure there was a solid justification for forgoing this daily and much-looked-forward-to ritual. Perhaps there simply wasn't time. I should point out, however, that my walk usually takes about twenty minutes, which isn't that much when you consider there are 24 hours in a day. In fact you'd think twenty minutes could always be spared, but apparently not. There must be other, more important activities, such as staring at The Box That Glows or speaking into The Stick That Rings.
Hey, whatever. I understand. It's cool. Forget it. I don't mind. Seriously. It's not a problem.
Just don't let it happen again.
Posted by teb at 11:11 AM | Email this entry
November 16, 2006
My response to "What could we have done to make your recent stay at Doubletree Hotels more satisfactory?"
Overall my stay at Doubletree Hotels was indeed satisfactory. The room was clean, the bed comfortable, the bottle of shampoo tiny. Everything I like in a hotel. But since you asked how you could make my stay even more satisfactory, I came up with two suggestions:
-- Sleeping caps
True, sleeping caps are very nineteenth century. But Doubletree could help spark a comeback. We take great pains to cover ourselves with blankets when we sleep, but we leave our heads exposed to the elements. According to the Internet, more than 40-percent of body heat can be lost through one's head. Think about it: What is a sleeping cap, really, except a little blanket for your head?
-- Personal wake-up calls
Instead of an automated wake-up call, why not come to the room in person? You could slip in using an extra key then rouse the sleeping guest by gently squeezing his or her shoulder while singing softly into his or her ear. If that doesn't work, throw back the curtains and start shouting like a drill sergeant. That should do it.
Thanks for the cookie, by the way. It really was warm!
all the best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry
November 15, 2006
WILFTN: Religion edition
-- From Zaman Online:
Annan said ... the West sees Islam as a religion of fanaticism and violence.
Silly us! Wherever would we get that idea?
-- From the Washington Post:
The largest Baptist group in North Carolina, meanwhile, moved to expel any congregation that condones homosexuality, adopting a policy that allows the Baptist State Convention to investigate complaints that member churches are too "gay-friendly."
Because, if there's one thing Jesus hated, it was friendliness.
From Reuters:
When Tom Cruise marries Katie Holmes this weekend, like many a devout Scientologist, he may promise to provide her with "a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat."
Obviously you want to groom the cat before you fry it up.
Posted by teb at 10:03 AM | Email this entry
November 14, 2006
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent people to this humble, unassuming blog
-- "candles danger babies"
That, coincidentally, is my new band name.
-- "disassemble futon"
-- "markie post naked"
Better than John Larroquette naked. (Two r's and two t's, by the way -- I had to Google it.)
-- "president lyndon engraved what?"
Not sure what you're asking here, but I recently learned from a well-informed colleague that LBJ loved tapioca pudding and would sometimes enjoy a bowl while choosing which Vietnam villages to bomb. How fun is that?
-- "a movie with a girl that sings in prison"
Mary Poppins 2: Nanny Gets Busted
-- "minor birds"
This is either a request from an amateur ornithologist or a British pervert. Not that they're mutually exclusive by any means.
-- "some parting messages from hostel boarders"
Thanks for the lice!
Posted by teb at 10:56 AM | Email this entry
November 13, 2006
Overheard at Chicago O'Hare
"How much is three ounces? I mean, how much is an ounce?"
"These Cubans sneak over and my son flies them back."
"Steven. Steven. Steven, you need to stop whining."
"I work in automated lavatory technology."
"I was pulling for the Democrats -- and I'm from the Bible belt."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not in-charge of the weather."
"Is this the line? Oh. My. God."
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
November 10, 2006
Bad airplane conversation starters
"Are you gonna use your vomit bag?"
"Do you hear ticking?"
"Ever seen the movie 'Alive'?"
"Got a light?"
"Want to cuddle?"
Posted by teb at 01:23 PM | Email this entry
November 09, 2006
Retiree Donald Rumsfeld deciding what to order for breakfast at Denny's
Is it a big menu? Sure it is. Do I know what I want? No, I don't. Does the Lumberjack Slam look tasty? Absolutely. Does anyone really need to begin their day with two pieces of bacon and two sausages? Probably not. But you order from the menu you have, not the menu you might want or wish to have at some future date. And what about the Ultimate Omelette? Can it really be ultimate? Isn't it always possible to add more green peppers, mushrooms and cheddar cheese?
Look, there are things we don't know we don't know. And this is one of them. I understand you have a job to do. You need to take my order. But my job is to decide what I want for breakfast. I don't know if it's going to take five seconds, five minutes, or five hours. It's going to take however long it takes.
Hey, where are you going? Come back! I mean, oh my goodness gracious!
Posted by teb at 09:45 AM | Email this entry
November 08, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part nine
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hey Anna
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
Me: How about that election, huh?
Anna: I'm not here to talk about history or politics, sorry.
Me: Or war?
Anna: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Now, let's talk about IKEA.
Me: I agree.
Anna: Thank you.
Me: Senate's still up for grabs.
Anna: It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
Me: Two seats hang in the balance.
Anna: I'm sorry, to which IKEA store do you want directions?
Me: Um, I don't.
Anna: Don't forget to ask me about IKEA products or services!
Me: Okay. Tell me more.
Anna: IKEA's task is to provide you with good design and function at low prices.
Me: Thanks, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
November 07, 2006
WILFTN: Bush edition
-- From The Army Times:
"Regardless of which party wins Nov. 7, the time has come, Mr. President, to face the hard bruising truth: Donald Rumsfeld must go."
Oh those cut-and-run liberals over at ... wait. Did you say The Army Times?
-- From the New York Daily News:
Reviled Republican Senate candidate Rep. Katherine Harris did show up in Pensacola, but Bush's aides wouldn't let her on stage with the President.
You help somebody steal an election and this is the thanks you get?
-- From Fox News:
"The Democrat philosophy is this: If it breathes, tax it, and if it stops breathing, find its children and tax them," Bush shouted to Republicans rallying in Pensacola, Fla.
The Republican philosophy is this: If it breathes, kill it. Or at the very least torture it for a while.
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
November 06, 2006
Apple icons, explained
Apple's famous electronic compass. Perfect for camping!
Hold someone's hand -- virtually!
Feeling sad? Square-head happy man will cheer you right up.
Stamps!
Posted by teb at 09:26 AM | Email this entry
November 03, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the porch
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Fiddler has kindly ceded control of this space for a week so that I, Huxley, a male cat approximately eight years in age, can make this important public service announcement. Here it is:
DON'T FORGET TO LET THE CAT IN.
This is a message that for me strikes particularly close to home. Earlier this week I was left on the screen porch overnight. This was not malicious on anyone's part: I simply slipped out when the door was open and got trapped. It wasn't until the following day that anyone realized what had happened.
There is no litter box on the porch. Nor food. Nor water. Nor any of the various cushions and couches, chairs and rugs to which I have become comfortably accustomed. And it's cold out there, too.
So, to reiterate, don't forget to let the cat in. Thanks, you idiots.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
November 02, 2006
DEAD CELEBRITY iTUNES PLAYLISTS: Pliny the Elder
"Parentheses" (The Blow): There is something sad about the deli aisle. It doesn't quite make me cry, though ...
"Shankill Butchers" (The Decembrists): "They're picking at their fingers with their knives and wiping off their cleavers on their thighs."
"The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn" (The Pogues): Do you hear that? Sounds like rattling death trains to me.
"No Better Place" (Fountains of Wayne): "Is that supposed to be your poker face or was someone run over by a train?"
"I am a Cinematographer" (Palace Brothers): First, you say you're a cinematographer and then you say you're a bear. Make up your mind already.
"Greenville (WXPN Live)" (Lucinda Williams): It's rawer, better without Emmylou Harris singing along.
"Nobody’s Dirty Business" (Mississippi John Hurt): Yeah, so back off!
Posted by teb at 10:23 AM | Email this entry
November 01, 2006
What I Learned from the News
-- Headline from Men's Health News:
Sperm-busting male contraceptive pill in the pipeline
So to speak.
-- From the New York Daily News on Bob Barker's decision to retire from "The Price is Right":
Barker said his decision was partially based on the show's physical and mental demands.
That, and he's sick of explaining Plinko to portly hausfraus from New Jersey.
-- From China Daily:
Aspiring rapper Kevin Federline has revealed that he may consider quitting his hectic city lifestyle to live a quiet simple life on a farm outside Los Angeles
These cows are wack, yo.
Posted by teb at 09:20 AM | Email this entry