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December 29, 2006
Swivel desk chair. Where? In front of my house. How much? Free. Should you take it? No.
This chair is not comfortable. It looks like it might be; trust me, it is not. But it is not extremely uncomfortable either. You will be neither very satisfied nor very unsatisfied with the comfortableness of this chair. Consequently, you will use it for years when you should really just buy a better chair.
Let us all agree on this much: a chair should be comfortable. But I would argue that if a chair is not comfortable, it should at least be extremely uncomfortable so that one is forced to replace it with a comfortable chair. This also applies to shoes.
If you are still considering taking this chair, let me add that it is missing a bolt and therefore the back sort of leans to one side. Plus, despite having rollers, it doesn't roll very well.
You will not be happy with this chair.
First come, first served.
Posted by teb at 12:38 PM | Email this entry
December 28, 2006
What might happen if prominent product mascots turned evil and how we, as a society, might thwart them
-- Pillsbury Doughboy
If He Turned Evil: Might distract world leaders with delicious cinnamon rolls then seize military power
How We Could Thwart Him: Knead vigorously
-- Michelin Man
If He Turned Evil: Might attempt to horrify us into submission with disgusting rolls of fat
How We Could Thwart Him: Locate and open valve.
-- Chey Boyardee
If He Turned Evil: Might try to bury mankind in beefaroni
How We Could Thwart Him: Space lasers
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
December 27, 2006
Suggestions on how to improve the fan experience at NBA games prompted by my attendance of last night's trouncing of the Memphis Grizzlies by the Washington Wizards
Good: Man who dunks from trampoline
Better: Armless man who dunks from trampoline
Good: Scantily clad cheerleaders who gyrate suggestively to techno music
Better: Scantily clad cheerleaders who gyrate suggestively to audio books
Good: Waving long, skinny balloons to distract opposing shooters
Better: Eating long, skinny balloons to distract opposing shooters
Good: Enormous televisions that show instant replays of the game you're watching
Better: Same thing, only with enormous radios
Good: Talented athletes competing against other talented athletes
Better: Talented athletes competing against licensed actuaries
Good: Free T-shirt gun
Better: Free pants gun
Posted by teb at 11:05 AM | Email this entry
December 26, 2006
WILFTN: Christmas hangover edition
-- From the San Francisco Chronicle:
Some customers say they buy nude calendars to support a cause even though the calendar will sit in a drawer.
Other customers are more honest.
-- From the Associated Press:
Carson Daly has dismissed the idea that he and Ryan Seacrest are in a rivalry to replace New Year's Eve icon Dick Clark, who suffered a stroke two years ago.
I suggest a "Bland Off" to decide the winner.
-- Another callous, inappropriate headline for James Brown's obit if "He Doesn't Feel Good" strikes you as too obvious:
Papa's Got A Brand New (Body) Bag
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
December 25, 2006
And now a special message from Baby Claus
Posted by teb at 12:03 PM | Email this entry
December 22, 2006
There's no "i" in "Tom"
Neighbor: Hello there, Tim!
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: I'm okay.
Me: I'm Tom, by the way.
Neighbor: Right. See you later!
Me: See ya!
---
Neighbor: Hi Tim!
Me: It's Tom. How's it going?
Neighbor: Not too bad. Have a great day!
Me: You too!
---
Neighbor (to his wife): Hey, look, it's Tim!
Neighbor's wife: Hi Tim!
Me: Hello. I usually go by Tom.
Neighbor's wife: Ah, Tom.
Me: Yes. Tom.
Neighbor: What did I say?
Me: Tim.
Neighbor: Well, good to see you!
Me: Likewise.
---
Neighbor: Good morning, Tim!
Me: Good morning to you, Phillip!
Neighbor: I'm Steve.
Me: Oh yeah. My bad.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
December 21, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part ten
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: I'm kind of stressed.
Anna: Try and relax. Maybe some shopping at your nearest IKEA store would help.
Me: But shopping makes me feel stressed.
Anna: Those sort of jobs are important, but my job is to talk about IKEA.
Me: Um, whatever. What I'm saying is I still have Christmas shopping to do.
Anna: On the page I am opening for you now you will see the Christmas Holiday category.
Me: So that's how I'm supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus?
Anna: There's no need to pray -- just ask me what you'd like to know about IKEA and I'll help you.
Me: Wait. Are you saying you're God?
Anna: No, I'm not God. I'm an Online Assistant, and my mission is to help you with any queries you might have about IKEA. How can I help you my child?
Me: That's kind of creepy.
Anna: You said it.
Me: God is pretty good-looking, though.
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: So you're God and IKEA made you? Do I have that right?
Anna: How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
Me: Now I'm confused.
Anna: I am sorry if my answer was unclear. Could you please rephrase your question and we will try again.
Me: That's okay, Anna. Or should I say "Lord"?
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
December 20, 2006
MINOR QUIZ
At the end of October, President Bush, in response to a question about whether the United States is winning the war in Iraq said this: "Absolutely, we're winning." Then, yesterday, he said: "We're not winning, we're not losing."
See if you can guess which of the following explanations the president offered up when asked about these seemingly contradictory assertions regarding a conflict that he started for no good reason and that has so far claimed the lives of thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis:
A) He was misquoted by the Democrat-loving, terrorist-coddling news media.
B) It was opposite day.
C) He thought the reporter was asking about his fantasy football team.
D) What he actually meant was "we will win," even though the question was in the present tense and even though nothing about his answer indicated that he was talking about the eventual outcome rather than the current situation.
E) His darn Tourette's was acting up again.
F) He was lying the first time because he thought that if he told the truth it might hurt the Republicans in the mid-term elections.
(Answer: D; Real reason: F or, possibly, C)
Posted by teb at 11:59 AM | Email this entry
December 19, 2006
WILFTN: Snow, sex and the moon
-- Tony Snow, via the New York Times, on whether the U.S. is winning or losing in Iraq:
"It’s one of those things," he said, "where you end up – it all ends up trying to – you're trying to summarize a complex situation with a single word or gerund, or even a participle."
Or even an infinitive like, say, "to babble" as in "the spokesman tends to babble idiotically."
-- Headline from the Globe and Mail:
Sex Sells for American Apparel
I fear that other companies may start using sexy images to sell their products as well.
-- From the Houston Chronicle, on an agreement between NASA and Google to offer space-related data online:
Under the arrangement, Ames [NASA] will feed Google with its weather forecasting information, three-dimensional maps of the moon and Mars ...
Continue up, 250,000 mi.
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
December 18, 2006
A defense of new parents
It's been suggested that having a child significantly lowers your I.Q. Once razor-sharp wits become dulled, sparkling discussions of politics and culture give way to endless blather about binkies and onesies. Previously interesting people start to talk in annoying, sing-songy tones, their addled, sleep-deprived brains barely able to recall their own names much less hold up one end of a conversation.
This is completely untrue. What's more, such pernicious stereotyping is an outrageous insult to new parents everywhere. Yes, it is. Oh yes it is. That sure is a mean old argument. Just look at that cute little fella! Look at him! Ohhh. Could he be any more precious? Oops -- let's wipe off your mouth. Did you spit up on yourself? I think you did! Hold on ... there we go. All better!
You think mommy and daddy are still smart, don't you? Yes you do! Oh yes you do!
Posted by teb at 10:15 AM | Email this entry
December 15, 2006
OFF LEASH: On noises
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Yesterday the bell on the toaster sounded and I immediately tucked my tail firmly betwixt my legs and cowered in the nearest available corner, where I remained for a solid five minutes.
Why did I do this? That's a fine question. Here's my answer: I do not know. Why, indeed, am I terrified of crinkly plastic bags? Or of the sudden rip of a Velcro fastener? I cannot say.
It's not as if I'm terrified of everything. If a stranger approaches the door, I will bark like a ferocious mongrel with a jones for human flesh. Big trucks get the same treatment, as do people on skateboards (I really, really hate skateboards).
But crinkle a bag in my vicinity and I turn into a 55-pound baby. I can't explain it. Though, as someone once said: Fear is in the ear of the belistener.
Well, I am someone.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry
December 14, 2006
Reasons I'm groaning like an old man this morning
-- Worried that South Dakota senator's apparent stroke could tip the balance of power and thereby undermine much of last month's thumpin'.
-- Sudden realization that, once again, I have foolishly waited until mid-December to even start thinking about Christmas gifts.
-- General humbuggedness regarding the holiday season.
-- Legs sore from playing flag football in yet another excruciating reminder that my twenties have come and gone.
-- A shameless (and largely successful) attempt to elicit undeserved sympathy from my wife
-- Reflexive crankiness
-- All of the above
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
December 13, 2006
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent people to this humble, non-judgmental blog
--- "nyquil and fertile"
That's how Henry was conceived.
-- "just what are vivid adjectives?"
That's a cockamamie question.
-- "funny sleeping caps"
Are there unfunny sleeping caps?
-- "paris hilton needs to pee"
I never doubted that.
-- "i hope that satisfies the little bastards clown"
should "bastards" be possessive here? Just curious.
-- "are you thoughtful and kind?"
Yes. Now shut up and leave me alone.
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
December 12, 2006
WILFTN: Do panic edition
-- From the Calgary Sun:
People who suffer from hysteria, a condition commonly dismissed as a figment of the imagination, may not be imagining their symptoms after all.
OH NO! IT'S REAL! AAHHH!
-- Headline from Australia News Network:
New weapon against the sun
I share your solar-phobia.
-- From the San Francisco Chronicle:
"Our calculations show that by 2040 the Arctic will be nearly ice-free," she said.
We've set the world to "defrost"
Posted by teb at 09:55 AM | Email this entry
December 11, 2006
Yet more lines I've excised from my forthcoming novel
The priest set down the sandwich, grunted decisively, and skipped off.
"Spackle," the mother whispered, as she cradled her sleeping newborn. "We shall call you Spackle."
Her hair smelled of cinnamon and lies.
The river was wide and the horses extremely small.
As he stood there naked atop the shed, Harold couldn't help but wonder if he'd been tricked.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
December 08, 2006
There are many ways to spend the next two minutes of your life. One of them is to watch a 3-month-old baby making noises and sticking his fingers in his mouth. Is this the best possible use of your time? Almost certainly not.
Posted by teb at 10:12 AM | Email this entry
December 07, 2006
WILFTN: Mary Cheney's baby edition
-- From CNN:
"The vice president and Mrs. Cheney are looking forward with eager anticipation" to the arrival of their sixth grandchild, McBride said.
Meanwhile their party is eager to prevent their daughter and her partner from having a recognized legal union or full parental rights!
-- From the London Times:
Both Mary Cheney, 37, and her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe, were said to be ecstatic about the baby which is due in late spring.
15 years? Pshaw! More proof that homosexuals aren't serious about committed monogamy.
-- From the Associated Press, a spokesman for Focus on the Family:
"Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn't mean it's a good idea," Earll said. "Love can't replace a mother and a father."
Yeah, love is totally overrated.
Posted by teb at 02:04 AM | Email this entry
December 06, 2006
How to open the Vicks ear thermometer
1. Attempt unsuccessfully to open hard, plastic package with hands.
2. Attempt unsuccessfully to open hard, plastic package with scissors.
3. Curse vigorously and repeatedly.
4. Grab knife from drawer. Stab package several times.
5. There. That's better.
6. Now that the package is open, attempt unsuccessfully to free thermometer from the plastic ties that bind it to the interior plastic molding.
7. Curse the manufacturer of the thermometer, the designer of the package, the inventor of plastic, and all of humankind.
8. Use scissors to snip plastic ties and then wriggle thermometer free from interior plastic molding. Curse once more for good measure.
9. Hear Kellie ask from other room: "Everything okay in there?"
10. Respond: "Yes. Everything is fine."
Posted by teb at 12:27 PM | Email this entry
December 05, 2006
WILFTN: No theme edition
-- From the LA Times:
Before rubber-stamping Rumsfeld's replacement, Senators need assurances that the defense nominee will keep politics out of intelligence.
Because up until now it's been the other way around.
-- Headline from Reuters:
Bank of New York to buy Mellon for $16.5 billion
The time was ripe, bank officials said.
-- Headline from Manchester Evening News:
Scary Spice splits from US comic
I guess that's what she wants, what she really really wants.
Posted by teb at 10:08 AM | Email this entry
December 04, 2006
Pineapple, crushed
Me: I think I'm going to eat these pineapples.
K.: What pineapples?
Me: The ones in this can.
K.: That's crushed pineapple.
Me: So?
K.: It's an ingredient. You don't eat it straight.
Me: I could if I wanted to.
K.: Well, yes, I suppose you could.
[Later]
K.: You're eating the crushed pineapple just to spite me, aren't you?
Me: Yes.
K.: That's a 14-ounce can. You sure you can finish it?
Me: No problem.
[Later]
Me: I can't finish this pineapple.
K.: Hmm. How about that?
Me: It's too much.
K.: It's a lot of pineapple.
Me: You can say that again.
K.: It's a lot of pineapple.
Me: Thank you.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
December 01, 2006
OFF LEASH: On the couch
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
When I first came to live here, I slept on the floor. Usually I would seek out the quietest corner, far away from people and cats.
Later, I became more bold, choosing to sleep on the rug in the kitchen or in the middle of the living room. People would step over me and I wouldn't care.
Then I discovered the couch. At first, I was tentative; as soon as anyone came into the room I would jump down and try to look innocent.
These days the couch is more or less mine. Sure, I'll get down if there's a good reason -- a meaty treat, say, or an impending walk. But mostly I just lie there, as sleeping dogs tend to do.
Posted by teb at 11:26 AM | Email this entry