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January 31, 2007
WILFTN
-- From the San Francisco Chronicle:
Miller, who wrote numerous stories that proved to be wrong about Iraq's pursuit of banned weapons, talked about how stunned she was by the public anger after the Bush administration's assertions began to crumble.
Yeah, I thought people liked being lied to in order to provide justification for a war in which thousands of people have died for no. good. reason. Guess not.
-- An analyst in the Wall Street Journal on investing in cigarette companies:
"If frozen dinners get too expensive, people will try something else. That’s not true with cigarettes — you are not up at night worried about that product that is going to make cigarettes obsolete."
No, there's nothing about investing in cigarettes that should keep you up at night. Nope. Nothing at all.
-- Headline from ABC News:
Daniel Radcliffe, Known to World As Harry Potter, to Perform Nude Scene in 'Equus'
Place wand joke here.
Posted by teb at 10:32 AM | Email this entry
January 30, 2007
Tea in bed
Me: You know, I've always thought it would be nice if the bedding had a fresh new scent. What do you think?
K: Uh-oh. What scent did you have in mind?
Me: I don't know. Perhaps a tea scent? There's nothing more soothing than the smell of tea.
K: So you're telling me you spilled tea on the bed.
Me: Why ever would you think that?
K: How much tea are we talking?
Me: It's hard to say.
K: Was it an entire cup?
Me: More or less. Not all of it went on the bed.
K: Some of it spilled on you.
Me: That is correct.
K: Was it still hot?
Me: Yes. Yes, it was.
K: Nicely done.
Me: Thank you very much.
Posted by teb at 09:59 AM | Email this entry
January 29, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go see "The Departed." Decide that Jack Nicholson deserves Best Supporting Eyebrows.
Do five loads of laundry yet fail to make a dent in ever-growing pile.
Set alarm for 7:30 a.m., determined to get an early start. Turn off alarm and go back to sleep til nine.
Watch old Letterman clip with Amy Sedaris on YouTube. Like, three times.
Make baby laugh by slapping self in face and sticking out tongue. Consider taking new comedy act on tour.
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
January 26, 2007
Possible titles for my forthcoming book on dealing with the DMV
Just Kill Me Now: One Man's Struggles with the DMV
Holy &@*$!: How Confusing Forms and Long Lines Crushed My Soul
Next!: Waiting For My Number To Be Called
Drivin' Me Insane: Why I Started Walking Everywhere
The DMV and Me: A Hate Story
Posted by teb at 12:15 PM | Email this entry
January 25, 2007
Five reasons I'm excited about visiting the DMV today
-- Chance to rub shoulders with broad cross-section of populace
-- Standing in line strengthens leg muscles
-- The burst of joy when number is finally called
-- Cheery, helpful and efficient state employees
-- Free blank forms
Posted by teb at 10:01 AM | Email this entry
January 24, 2007
What I learned from the L.L. Bean spring catalog
-- Sunwashed knit shirts are "gently faded for a soft, weathered appearance that usually takes years to achieve."
Finally, a shirt that looks old even when it's new! Thanks L.L. Bean!
-- "Enjoy great-looking chinos even at the end of a long day."
No more pantsless evenings.
-- Tropic-weight cargo shorts are washed for "shrinkage control."
I had no idea washing could help with that.
-- "Our lab experts can't stop talking about the durability."
Lab experts never know when to shut up.
-- "We've looked at, touched and worn our competitors' swimsuits ..."
Dude, you're creeping me out.
Posted by teb at 10:14 AM | Email this entry
January 23, 2007
WILFTN: SOTU preview
-- From the New York Times:
Mr. McGurn would not disclose details, and as for soaring rhetoric, he would not say. But he did say the president was not much interested in "flowery language."
Translation: None of them hard-to-say words.
-- From USA Today:
"I'm going to remind Congress that we've got to show the American people that we're capable of accomplishing some big things," Bush said.
If by "accomplishing" you mean "really, really screwing up" -- yeah, we get that.
-- From the San Antonio Express:
"The president has to demonstrate that as he heads us in a new direction that he is driving and not looking in the rear view mirror," Gonzalez said.
Or sleeping in the back seat.
Posted by teb at 10:59 AM | Email this entry
January 22, 2007
Early versions of Caribou Coffee's slogan "Life is short. Stay awake."
-- "We're all going to die. Have an artificial stimulant."
-- "Your body is deteriorating. How about some caffeine?"
-- "Eventually your heart will stop beating. In the meantime, enjoy a warm pick-me-up."
-- "The worms patiently await your demise. Coffee makes it hard to rest."
-- "Things fall apart. Use drugs."
Posted by teb at 08:12 AM | Email this entry
January 19, 2007
OFF LEASH: On liberty
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Goethe once said that the average man does not want to be free -- he just wants to be safe. (His use of the term "man" here is consistent with the speciesism of his era and should not be held against him.)
The truth of the German polymath's aphorism was brought home to me recently while out on a walk. My collar had been loosened inadvertently the day before and, when I jerked excitedly toward an intriguing scent, it fell from my neck. For a moment, I experienced utter disenthrallment: no leash, no fences, no boundaries. I could, in theory, run in any direction for as long as I wished. I was free.
And, yet, I did not run. Rather, I stood absolutely still until my collar was returned to my neck. We finished our walk, had breakfast, and I curled up on the couch for my morning nap. Say what you like, liberty is totally overrated.
Posted by teb at 10:48 AM | Email this entry
January 18, 2007
I'm beginning to see the (book) light
The sort of people who use book lights—book lighters, if you will—are not to be trusted. The device itself, remember, is intended for surreptitious reading. If these people have nothing to hide, why do they sneak off to a dark corner with their tiny, battery-operated lights? Why do they continue to read after their spouses have gone to sleep? What, exactly, are these book lighters planning?
Read the rest (if you are so inclined) on Slate.
Posted by teb at 10:56 AM | Email this entry
January 17, 2007
Ode to an electric seat warmer (feel the warm)
What did I do
Before you?
How did I live
Without you?
The heat is on
You warm my soul
And other parts too
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
January 16, 2007
WILFTN
-- From the Guardian Unlimited:
Prime Minister Tony Blair has mounted a strong defence of the 300-year-old union of Scotland with England, warning it would be "crazy" for Scotland to quit the UK.
In response, Scottish officials said they only want their FREEEEDOOOOM!
-- From a USA Today article about how Orville Redenbacher is returning as a popcorn pitchman:
It's the first time a dead spokesman has been re-created as a walking, talking huckster that can be made to say or do anything.
I feel like there's a Tony Snow joke in there somewhere.
-- New York Times headline:
California Freeze Threatens State's Citrus Crop
Orange you glad you're not a citrus farmer? (sorry)
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
January 15, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent people to this humble, low-carb blog
-- "sex in the moon"
On, sure, but in?
-- "bill clinton on rainforest removal"
I'm pretty sure he's against it.
-- "why does my heat stay on my gmc yukon"
It's God punishing you for owning a GMC Yukon.
-- "store search beard trimmer toronto"
When I'm in Toronto, I always buy beard trimmers at The Beard Trimmer Outlet on 18th street. Great prices/service. Tell 'em Tom sent ya!
-- "famous mexican rappers who are dead"
The Notorious O.L.E.
-- "can you give mice cheese"
No. They will explode.
-- "duchamp anecdote"
So Marcel goes to the bathroom and when he comes back he says "Hey, I have a great idea ..."
-- "why does my cat bang his head on the wall"
Time to change the litter.
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
January 12, 2007
Translating your baby's noises: a handy guide
-- "Ah-goo!"
Translation: "What's up, fool?"
-- "Gaaa!"
Translation: "Yeah, hi, could you make that little dinosaur dance or grab the giraffe puppet or something? Seriously. I'm totally bored over here."
-- "Baa!"
Translation: "I'm tired" or "I have soiled myself" or possibly both.
-- "Arrrgh!"
Translation: "Arrrgh!"
-- "Aiieeee!"
Translation: "Whip 'em out, mama."
Posted by teb at 10:35 AM | Email this entry
January 11, 2007
A brief dialogue between THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES and THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: I see you sent back those DVDs.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Sure did.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Good job on that.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Thanks.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: How long did you have them?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Oh, a while.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: How long's "a while"?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Weeks, I guess.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Try months.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Fine, months.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: The idea of Netflix is that you watch the DVDs and then send them back. You get that, right?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Um, yeah, I get that. By the way, I noticed that our queue is empty. Isn't it your job to select DVDs? Isn't that, in fact, your name?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Well, yes.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: So when are you going to get around to that?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Soon.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: What's "soon"?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Soon is soon.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Because it's kind of hard for me to watch the DVDs if you don't select them. You get that, right?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Yes, yes.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: And pick out something we actually want to watch, not something you think we should watch. Capish?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Something Italian perhaps?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Maybe. But think Godfather II, not Vittorio De Sica.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: You're hopeless.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: You are.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: I think you just proved my point.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: I think you just proved my point.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Whatever.
Posted by teb at 10:01 AM | Email this entry
January 10, 2007
Handshakes: a brief glossary
Ol' Reliable: Press firmly, but not too firmly. Pump once.
The Betty Sue: Extend and relax hand.
Hand Sandwich: Use both hands to surround -- or "sandwich" -- other person's hand.
The Annoying Uncle: Extend and withdraw hand. Pretend to smooth back hair.
The Favorite Uncle: Place carefully folded twenty in other person's palm.
The Creep: Use thumb to caress back of other person's hand. Smile and wink.
The Punisher: Squeeze until mercy is requested or weeping begins.
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
January 09, 2007
WILFTN
-- From the Detroit News, on the new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees:
"We couldn't be more proud to honor this unique, diverse group of rockers, rappers, singers and poets. This is what rock and roll is all about," Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation President and C.E.O., Joel Peresman, said in a statement.
Indeed. Rock and roll is all about written statements, presidents and CEOs. Oh, and foundations -- it's about that, too.
-- The president of Nokia, via the Associated Press:
"Today I'm saying that in 10 years' time the same will be true if you don't have the full internet in your pocket."
No, I'm just happy to see you.
-- CNN Headline:
"Scooby-Doo creator dies at 81"
Creepy Heap from the Deep wanted for questioning.
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
January 08, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Pantene Pro V
Dear Pantene Pro V Conditioner,
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy your product. Pantene Pro V Conditioner gets rid of pesky tangles and leaves my hair touchably soft. Huzzah!
I do have a minor quibble. The bottle says Pantene makes hair "up to 85 percent shinier." But, under the right conditions, my hair is actually 90 to 95 percent shinier after using Pantene. I have taken "before" and "after" photographs as proof (I would be happy to send these to you).
Please let me know. Shine on!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thanks for taking the time to share such kind words! Your reaction is just what we hoped for -- I can't wait to share your comments with the rest of our team.
Thanks again for writing!
P&G Team
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
January 05, 2007
PROS and CONS: The thumb
PROS:
-- Bendable
-- Opposable
-- Can be sucked
CONS:
-- Twiddling
-- Wrestling
-- Too many rules
Posted by teb at 10:10 AM | Email this entry
January 04, 2007
In honor of the $210-million retirement package awarded to Home Depot's failed CEO, I bring you an entirely true account of a recent visit to one of the company's stores
“Can you point me to the spring clamps?”
“Clamps?” the Home Depot employee says. This is one of my least-favorite verbal tics, that of repeating the last word that the other person said as if it were a question. And, really, this shouldn’t need any more clarification: I’m in a large hardware store; when I say "spring clamps" it should be obvious what I mean.
I say: “Right. Clamps -- spring clamps, vice clamps. The kind you use to hold wood.”
“Ask that guy down there,” he says, pointing to another orange-aproned guy. The guy is about ten aisles away. He is little more than a dot on the horizon. I am sure that, by the time I make it down to where he is, he will be off, gone to wherever it is orange-aproned guys run off to, probably some backroom where they sit around laughing at how unhelpful they are and how it drives customers insane.
Sure enough, he is gone. But I manage to flag down another orange-aproned guy who tells me that clamps are in the tool corral. So I go to the tool corral. I don’t see them immediately and so I ask another orange-aproned guy where exactly they are.
“Clamps?” he says.
I sigh. “Yes, clamps. Like for holding wood.”
“I don’t think we have those.”
“Sure you do.”
“Try plumbing.”
“What? No, for holding wood. Spring clamps.”
“The only clamps I know of are in plumbing.”
“But that just can’t be true.”
“Wood?” he says.
It was further back in the conversation that I mentioned wood, but perhaps the word has just now worked its way through his whiskey and pot-addled synapses.
“Try lumber,” he says.
“No, I’m not looking for wood. I’m looking for clamps to hold wood.”
“Yeah, those are in lumber.” At this point he walks away.
For the record, spring clamps are on the back wall of the tool corral. Also for the record, Home Depot sucks.
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
January 03, 2007
MT Holiday Season Index
Number of Christmas-themed decals placed throughout kitchen: 14
Number of babies we dressed up in a Santa outfit and photographed in order to embarrass him when he's a sullen teenager: 1
Approximate number of photographs taken over the last two weeks: 300
Number of "Assorted Christmas Novelty Chocolates" I've consumed so far: 28
Number of "Assorted Christmas Novelty Chocolates" I plan to consume: all the rest
Number of Christmas trees still up in the living room: 1
Number of thank-you notes written: 0
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
January 02, 2007
WILFTN
-- From the New York Times:
A spokeswoman for Microsoft confirmed Friday that the company had sent out about 90 computers to bloggers who wrote about technology and other subjects that could be affected by the new operating system, like photography and, oddly, parenting.
I doubt that Apple would ever try anything so transparent and ham-fisted. Though, if it did, there are certain bloggers (wink) who can be bought (wink wink) for the right (wink) price. Wink.
-- From USA Today:
Iraqi political leaders say the handling of Saturday's execution will not hurt reconciliation efforts aimed at getting Iraq's factions together to help curb violence and steer some militant groups into the political process.
Phew! I was worried the country might descend into bloody chaos.
-- From BBC News:
People's fascination for religion and superstition will disappear within a few decades as television and the Internet make it easier to get information, and scientists get closer to discovering a final theory of everything, leading thinkers argue today.
Knock on wood.
Posted by teb at 10:26 AM | Email this entry
January 01, 2007
2006 resolutions: a postmortem
Make difficult but ultimately rewarding transition from boxers to boxer-briefs
Fail to finish numerous books
Eat more yams
Keep up with celebrity gossip
Try those Kleenexes with the built-in lotion
Stop second-hand smoking
Produce offspring and heir to LBJ memorabilia collection
Posted by teb at 01:34 PM | Email this entry