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February 28, 2007
How to respond when a stranger, upon seeing your six-month-old baby, says "aww, how cute"
-- Well, he's had a lot of work done.
-- Sure, but he's not too bright.
-- What? Oh the baby. Yeah, I guess.
-- You change his diaper then.
-- He should be, considering what we paid for him.
Posted by teb at 06:36 PM | Email this entry
February 27, 2007
the morning papers
-- Via BBC News:
People who use wireless internet "show deeper engagement with cyberspace," according to an American study.
Also, people who eat apples seem to "really like apples."
-- From the Associated Press:
Dozens of women staged a breast-feeding protest at the Berkshire Mall on Saturday to protest a security guard's recent action in telling a nursing mother to use a blanket or stop.
Babies suck and so does that guard.
-- From BBC News:
Perfectionists are more prone to developing irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) after an infection, a study has suggested.
Phew! I don't have to wory.
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
February 26, 2007
I call it "morning hair"
Posted by teb at 02:41 PM | Email this entry
February 23, 2007
PROS and CONS: Punctuation
PROS:
,
.
;
CONS:
( )
...
!
Posted by teb at 06:17 AM | Email this entry
February 22, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (note: some readers have asked whether these entries are made-up. They are not. Also, on the cover of the journal I drew spaceships shooting at tanks.)
Now one of the other things I Did that wasn’t so hot I made a C on my spelling test First spelling test below a B!!! Other wise nothing happened exciting
Ride bus home!
First day of running club. I think it is dumb.
Today was okay. No resios. Art instead boooooo!!
Goals for today to make it through the day and to make a 100 on my spelling test and to have a good day!!!!
Today we had the Christmas program matters a fact we just got back from it. I couldn't see anything. Poor teachers some of those fourth graders were acting terrible.
Today was okay. it wasn't great. it was unexplainable.
Posted by teb at 07:35 AM | Email this entry
February 21, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the Associated Press:
Germany's foreign minister warned Wednesday against building unrealistic expectations for a U.S.-backed push toward peace between Israel and the Palestinians.
Darn. I figured it would all be over next week.
-- From the New York Daily News:
JetBlue's catastrophic blunders will cost the company at least $30 million, but the airline's charismatic leader insists the carrier is stronger for the lessons learned.
In fact, the company plans to continue stranding passengers for hours on end in an effort to learn more.
-- From USA Today:
Actress Bridget Moynahan, former girlfriend of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, is more than three months pregnant, and Brady is the father, Moynahan's publicist said.
Interception: bad. Contraception: good.
Posted by teb at 11:27 AM | Email this entry
February 20, 2007
A Beast in the Night
We were in bed, nearly asleep, when the growling began. A low rumble at first, it grew louder and louder still until it seemed to be coming from all around us. The growling was accompanied by horrible scraping sounds, like claws on wood. There were thuds, too, one after another, as if someone were dropping unabridged dictionaries onto the ceiling directly above our heads. As it continued, the growling became more vicious, the scraping more frenzied, the thudding more violent until ...
Oh what, pray tell, will happen next? If you wish to find out, you can read the rest here. Or if you'd rather just see a photo of me and Henry, you can go here. If you don't care about either, then that means you probably came here after searching for "Nintencats." Sorry, there is no such thing as Nintencats. Get over it.
Posted by teb at 09:57 AM | Email this entry
February 19, 2007
Even more lines that I've excised from my forthcoming novel
As the evening wore on, the dwarves grew peckish.
"Well," he said, taking another bite of pie, "at least we're not stranded on the moon anymore."
Their romantic embrace was interrupted by the sound of a cat puking vigorously.
The sun set over the ocean, like a very powerful flashlight slowly being lowered behind an extremely large body of water.
Oh no, he thought, this isn't toothpaste.
Posted by teb at 12:41 PM | Email this entry
February 16, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent people to this humble, helpful blog
-- "does tuxedo high school have a delay tomorrow?"
Yes. Doors will open at 10 a.m. due to weather. And don't forget -- it's costume day!
-- "i can't believe it's not butter spray pregnancy safe"
It's safe. Butter spray will not get you pregnant.
-- "suede eye patch"
What pirates wear on more formal occasions.
-- "how long does pillsbury cinnamon rolls last?"
whatever, I'll eat it.
-- "sex in snow"
See "frostbite"
-- "piano sounds like a dog barking in a sack"
Hmm. Check inside. If you see a large bag that's moving around, that might be the problem.
-- "bone diggy dang dang dang"
Same to you, my friend. Same to you.
Posted by teb at 12:13 PM | Email this entry
February 15, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn
Dear Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn,
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn. Light, fluffy and oh-so tender, Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn makes a perfect snack unless you're allergic to corn (I'm not). Heck yeah!
Anyway. I like your ads, too. Some people think bringing Orville back to life digitally was creepy, ghoulish and downright disturbing. Those people are such babies! I wish more dead people were on TV. It's not like they have anything better to do, you know?
Pop off!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
Thank you for contacting us regarding our Orville Redenbacher's® commercial. We appreciate hearing from our consumers about our products.
Comments from the users of our products are always helpful. It is only by meeting the needs of consumers like you that we can continue to be successful. Your feedback will be shared with others in our company.
We would also like to take this opportunity to invite you to visit our collection of recipes at: http://www.conagrafoods.com/recipes/. You can also sign up to receive the latest information on our recipes from our brands and useful tips for your kitchen. Navigate to the link above and go to the "subscribe now" icon on the left side of the page. We appreciate your interest in ConAgra Foods.
Sincerely,
ConAgra Foods Consumer Affairs
Posted by teb at 07:20 AM | Email this entry
February 14, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic)
Today was a unravvel day at the beginning of the day everything was wrong for instance my handwriting book was lost. my math wasn't signed. and ...........
Today was bad I went home early it was a nightmare i'm not exzagerating
Today was terrible had reading homework and math homework. We got a new student named Vito. I rode my bike as usual. We had two firedrills
Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas
I won an award in library for putting books in order!
got my name on the board. Got my folder for forgetting my box so I made a mistake it's only human. Mrs. Goldstein calls it interrupting her class
Posted by teb at 06:07 AM | Email this entry
February 13, 2007
The morning papers
-- From CBS News:
Coca-Cola Enterprises Inc., the biggest bottler of Coca-Cola Co. beverages, said it will cut about 3,500 jobs as part of a restructuring expected to cost $300 million.
They're getting canned.
-- Republic congressman David Dreier in USA TODAY:
"We go to war to win, we go to war with a mission, and we dishonor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice if we in fact abandon that mission," he said.
Quick: What's that mission again?
-- PC World Headline:
MySpace Working to Foil Pirates
Arrrr ... LOL
Posted by teb at 11:47 AM | Email this entry
February 12, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Eat seven cupcakes
Answer phone "greetings!"
Neglect to shave or comb hair for full 48 hours
Complete long-postponed bookshelf project
Thumb listlessly through old catalogs
Decide that, no matter how hard one tries, it's impossible not to love Tom Waits
Retrieve mail wearing only boxers. Wave at next-door neighbor.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
February 09, 2007
MT Index
Number of tater tots dropped on the floor during recent dinner: 2
Number of tater tots the dog sniffed suspiciously then declined to eat: 2
Number of artificial Christmas trees I STILL haven't put away in the attic: 1
Number of days that have passed since Christmas: 45
How pathetic this is, on a scale of 1 to 10, with "1" being not pathetic at all and "10" being about as pathetic as you can get: 9
Weight of new refrigerator I recently dragged into the house sans dolly: 200 lbs.
Number of times I swore during this process: also 200
Number of months I've given myself to cut down on my swearing so that our infant son doesn't talk like a rapper/longshoreman: 3
Number of longshoremen or rappers I've actually met in my life: 0
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
February 08, 2007
Potential problems that may be encountered while writing with a baby in one's lap
-- Large, bald head obscures screen
-- Baby may bang keyboard thereby withsdflwprgwirgongR
-- The tone of your writing might be infected by sickeningly precious babyspeak. Oh yes it might.
-- Baby's strong desire to hold thumbs significantly hampers typing
-- Sudden cry of distress may force you to abandon writing before your work is
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
February 07, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic)
Today was booooooaring. We played some game. It was okay.
I bought a pop up pirate. The rest of the day was okay.
Today was just fine. Just a regular boaring day. We did lots of work!
Today was okay it was kind of sad. I got one D in math which I don't like. terrible.
Today I had a pretty good day. I could have had better. I rode my bike to school. I learned alot.
Today was fine just boaring. My mom was going to visit my morning classes but Mrs McDonald was absent so they wouldn't let my mom come that morning don't ask me why. The people at the office have hearts made of steel.
We went to the farm yesterday. This week is book week. I am going to be a farmer.
Posted by teb at 09:33 AM | Email this entry
February 06, 2007
WILFTN
-- The Associated Press on peace talks between Hamas and Fatah:
"It is forbidden to fail," Mashaal said in a televised address from the Syrian capital. "I call on all our brothers ... to restrain themselves and to remember our real battle" with Israel.
Nothing brings people together like a shared hatred of Israel.
-- From the Washington Post:
With the $2.9 trillion budget he submitted to Congress, Bush signaled he would attempt to squeeze spending on health care, education, housing and other domestic programs important to the Democratic majority for the duration of his term.
Yeah, take that Democrats!
-- From BBC News:
Bacteria that kill off male butterflies can actually lead to increased promiscuity in female butterflies, scientists have found.
Kind of a good news/bad news deal for male butterflies.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
February 05, 2007
How to talk as if you watched the Super Bowl even if, like me, you didn't
-- "How about that game?"
-- "Peyton Manning sure is something."
-- "Well, I think it came down to who played four quarters of football."
-- "I mean, hey, you gotta get the pigskin in the end zone."
-- "Two words: mental toughness."
Posted by teb at 10:08 AM | Email this entry
February 02, 2007
PROS and CONS: Love
PROS:
-- Will keep us together
-- Is all you need
-- Got a whole lotta
CONS:
-- Hurts
-- Fades
-- Can't buy me
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
February 01, 2007
Actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic)
Today was okay I practiclly got beat up in resios by forth graders. other wise it was boaring
today was boaring. it is friday. that is all for now
today was so so. I rode my bike. I was cold.
today was great. I rode my bike.
today was boaring. I rode my bike. it rained. that is all.
Today was alright. hard but alright. in reading we had a sub. that's the "main idea" of today
resios was alright. reading was alright. math was okay. everything else went terrible.
today was a regular boaring day at school. make up math test today. when I get home I'll play basketball. well have to go now bye
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | Email this entry