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March 30, 2007
OFF LEASH: On moderation
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Cicero advises us to let moderation be our guide. The Roman lawyer and orator has plenty of illustrious company: Moderation has long been promoted and praised by sages and scolds alike. Excess is rarely held up for applause.
I suppose everyone is right. And yet, when presented with an unexpected treat -- leftover chicken breast, say, or a chewy sirloin -- I tear into said morsel with ravenous abandon. I eat like a roadside mongrel. I consume and consume, taking each bite with an enthusiasm equal to the one before. If I have a limit, a point at which I will declare "no más, no más," it has yet to be reached.
Have I fallen prey to my baser instincts? Have I failed to exercise temperance in the face of temptation? Perhaps. On the other hand, life short, meat good. More please.
Posted by teb at 01:00 PM | Email this entry
March 29, 2007
A pre-caffeine list of possible topics for today's entry
-- Something about, like, birds ...
-- A list of things that, um ...
-- [looks around room, mouth agape]
-- It's cold outside. Why is it so cold? It used to be warm.
-- My ankle is itchy. I need new socks.
-- [rests face on hand, eyes partially closed]
-- I really like oranges. But not big oranges. I like those little ones. What are those called? Mannequins?
-- Oh look I've already typed something. Good enough.
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
March 28, 2007
What I learned from the "Touch of Class" spring catalog
The Safari wall shelf will "bring the aura of the savannah home" into my living room.
The Camelot comforter set has a "noble appearance" and is "perfect for a princess."
Words that describe the Grape Arch Wallcoverings include "washable," "prepasted," "pretrimmed," and "vinyl-coated."
The Young St. Francis sculpture has a dark, terra cotta wash.
The handcrafted Lady Victorian lamp has a "sash of seafoam lace" and a "peach rose on the side." Also, it "lights up under the skirt."
Posted by teb at 01:04 PM | Email this entry
March 27, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the LA Times:
Saying he wanted to be "more precise" about what he had done, Atty. Gen. Alberto R. Gonzales acknowledged Monday that he had a role in approving an aide's recommendation to dismiss several U.S. attorneys last year ...
Or, to be even more precise, he flat-out lied.
-- Headline:
AT&T Teams Up With Napster
The people who brought you lousy phone service and illegal music downloads – together at last!
-- From the Sydney Morning Herald:
As criticism continues to mount over the apparent ease at which anyone can add erroneous and libelous information to Wikipedia, its creators are scrambling to find a long-term fix.
They could always print out all the entries. And, like, bind them together into -- oh, I don't know -- volumes.
Posted by teb at 11:00 AM | Email this entry
March 26, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Find diary I kept for a few months when I was a teenager. Cringe.
Pretend to bite own hand in order to make baby laugh. Leave teethmarks on thumb.
Give away four (!) bags of clothes to Goodwill. Discover that closet has floor.
Come upon yet more proof that no one is more awesome than Randy Newman.
Except maybe Mister Rogers.
Posted by teb at 10:47 AM | Email this entry
March 23, 2007
What I learned from "The Great American Hanger Company" catalog
-- Some hangers "offer a chance to have some fun."
-- An object can be "semi-contoured."
-- Certain hangers allow you to "pamper" your clothing.
-- The concept of "non-slipness" is central to the hanger industry.
-- Some hangers are so artsy that they can be dubbed a "piece."
-- What appears to be an entirely normal hanger can still be described as "multifunctional."
-- It is possible to produce a 38-page catalog consisting entirely of photographs and descriptions of hangers.
Posted by teb at 12:06 PM | Email this entry
March 22, 2007
Old Banana: An elegy
yellow turns to
brown
as smile becomes
frown
no longer
appealing
Posted by teb at 12:03 PM | Email this entry
March 21, 2007
PROS and CONS: You
PROS:
-- Light up my life
-- Really got me
-- Nothing compares to
CONS:
-- So vain
-- Oughta know
-- Can't always get what you want
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry
March 20, 2007
The morning papers
-- One of the USDA's suggestions for encouraging children to eat healthy foods:
If children are old enough, let them help shop for, clean, peel, or cut up fruits and vegetables.
Yes, I'm letting you clean and peel it. Isn't this fun?
-- From the Guardian:
The bodies of elderly passengers who died in cheaper and fully occupied sections of planes during the flights were transferred to empty seats in first class because of a lack of space to store them.
So that's how you get an upgrade ...
-- From the New York Times:
A House committee released documents Monday that showed hundreds of instances in which a White House official who was previously an oil industry lobbyist edited government climate reports to play up uncertainty of a human role in global warming or play down evidence of such a role.
I'm sure he was a soulless shill for the oil industry doing the best he could.
Posted by teb at 10:56 AM | Email this entry
March 19, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Realize melted snow has partially flooded basement. Quietly curse day of birth.
Assemble small IKEA table. Feel unduly proud of self.
Notice that ants have begun invading utility room. Spring is here!
Dip Ritz directly into peanut butter jar, thereby cutting out middleman (i.e., knife).
Make list of dubious weekend accomplishments entirely devoid of definite articles.
Posted by teb at 11:19 AM | Email this entry
March 16, 2007
BOOK REVIEW: [no title]
This wordless volume is the work, no doubt, of some cynical postmodernist bent on further undermining the supposed tyranny of the mimetic narrative and perhaps even Western literature itself. Instead of a story, the "author" -- if so grandiose an appellation truly applies in this case -- gives us ten pages of simplistic illustrations.
The first page features a flower and a kite. What are we to make of this juxtaposition? That is followed by a falling leaf and a cloud. Again, what are we to infer? Is there meaning here? Does meaning, per se, even exist? What exactly is the author, who is not named, trying to tell us?
The book is littered with gimmicks. For instance, a cloth snake "pops out" on page three. On page six, there is a plastic lever; pull the lever and a friendly whale emerges. Page ten depicts a smiling cat holding an umbrella: If you touch the umbrella, it makes a crinkly noise.
These stunts (and that, indeed, is what they are) will do little to satisfy the discerning reader.
I showed the book to my six-month-old son. He seemed amused enough. Then again, he gets a kick out of empty water bottles. What I'm saying is this: Consider the source.
Posted by teb at 12:05 PM | Email this entry
March 15, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent bystanders to this gentle, well-meaning blog
-- "bad conversation starters"
Hey, what's your blood type?
-- "eating a post-it"
Just be sure to chew thoroughly.
-- "where can i hire someone to kill for me?"
Try down by the docks.
-- "evil pillsbury doughboy"
That high-pitched laugh doesn't fool me.
-- "men using pantene"
Nothing wrong with it. Doesn't mean you're not a real man. I'm going to go watch sports now.
-- "markie post naked"
Seven people searched for this. Seven.
Posted by teb at 12:16 PM | Email this entry
March 14, 2007
I will now describe the illustrations on the boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea bags
Cinnamon Apple Spice
A woman is picking apples and placing them in a basket. The basket, curiously, has no handle and so she has to kind of cradle it under one arm. This can't be comfortable. But she seems happy enough. I wonder why she doesn't set the basket down as she's picking. That's what I would do. Also, there is a golden retriever in the background that appears to have three tails.
Gingerbread Spice
A gingerbread man and a gingerbread lady are skating on a frozen pond. But instead of regular ice skates, guess what they're using? Candy canes! How precious is that? There is a wooden sign that says "Thin Icing" -- an indication that the seemingly carefree gingerbread couple is in serious, life-threatening peril.
Country Peach Passion
A man is kissing a woman on the cheek. The woman does what women in black-and-white movies do when kissed, i.e., she sort of kicks one leg back, bending at the knee. Do women really do that? And if so, why? And if not, why do they do it movies and in this illustration? Anybody?
Oh, and the man is leaning on an enormous, waist-high peach. The thing must weigh, like, 200 pounds. Imagine the tree that produced this peach. If this peach fell on you, you would die. Instantly. I'm serious. This is one big freaking peach.
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
March 13, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the New York Times:
Vice President Dick Cheney offered an aggressive defense of the Bush administration’s Iraq strategy today.
And that strategy would be ... what again?
-- From the Guardian Unlimited:
Confectionery and soft drinks group Cadbury Schweppes has became the latest British household name company to fall under the takeover spotlight, with veteran American financier Nelson Peltz today emerging as a near-3% shareholder.
First we lead you into a wrong-headed war, then we buy all your chocolate eggs. Take that, Brits!
-- From the Australian:
Short men were irresistible to women until mankind's ancestors learned how to use tools as weapons, research suggests.
Stupid tools.
Posted by teb at 11:21 AM | Email this entry
March 12, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Put Christmas tree in basement. On March 11.
Spend $93 at Whole Foods on, like, french bread and a few grapes.
Spend $71 at Home Depot on, like, some paint and a paint brush.
Watch "The Devil and Daniel Johnston." Easily one of the best/funniest/saddest music documentaries ever.
Eat a chocolate-chip muffin.
Eat a second chocolate-chip muffin.
What's one more?
Lie down on couch. Say to Kellie: "Blech. I don't feel so good."
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Fiddler makes her pictorial debut on luvmutt.com today. Thanks to MT reader Erin for the invitation. The rest of the site is very enjoyable if you like cute dogs doing cute things. If you don't then you have no soul.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
March 09, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic)
Today was pretty fun. We had a bake sale I bought popcorn prezels and peanuts and cookies all that for 50 coupons.
My mom found my good siccorss or however you spell it.
Today was great. We went to the book fair I got The forbidden castle and The cave of time both are neat books.
Mrs. Goldstein got a new car!
Today we had a substitute her name is Miss or Mrs. Welch. She's nice okay.
We went to resios with fourth graders it was great one fourth grader said "look at the shorty" "look at the shorty bet he can't play soccer." I showed him I scored a goal on his team!!!!!!!!!
Today was just fine. I didn't get my name on the board or anything.
Posted by teb at 10:23 AM | Email this entry
March 08, 2007
What I learned from the American Express membership rewards catalog
-- This total-body workout solution features 65 exercises, a leg extension attachment, a squat station, and a lat tower.
You had me at "squat station."
-- For the first time ever, Maui Jim Shields combine a one-piece, optically correct wraparound lens with additional coverage on the sides.
The optical correctness I need, the additional coverage I want. Thanks, Maui Jim!
-- Michael Graves' renowned bird kettle boasts a delicate bird perched on the spout of the kettle which sings when water is boiled.
Replacement birds not included.
-- Use this laser stud finder to help you with your home projects.
Hey there, big boy, wanna refinish my floors?
-- Inspired for tradition, updated for today.
Confused for prepositions.
Posted by teb at 01:38 PM | Email this entry
March 07, 2007
OFF LEASH: On looking back
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
In my more than 50 columns, I have addressed many of the pressing issues of our day, such as liberty, nature, prejudice, napping, kindness, patience, and squirrels.
I have quoted Cato the Elder, Benjamin Franklin, Henry David Thoreau, William James, P.T. Barnum, Bertrand Russell, Goethe, Lucretius, Eleanor Roosevelt, Horace Greeley, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Jacques Maritain and Alan Greenspan.
I have confessed my shortcomings and pointed out those of others. I have complained bitterly and mused innocently. I have tripped the light fantastic.
I have also, in one case, stitched together a column out of nothing more than references to past columns. Some might call this intellectual laziness. To which I would respond: woof.
Posted by teb at 11:05 AM | Email this entry
March 06, 2007
The morning papers
-- From Reuters:
Topps Co., maker of baseball trading cards and Bazooka gum, said on Tuesday that it would be acquired by private equity firm Madison Dearborn Partners and Tornante Co. for $385 million.
The equity firm plans to seal the company in Lucite and store it in the attic.
-- From Sky News, on killer asteroids:
Even if they do not strike earth, if they explode nearby they have the potential to destroy a small US state.
Start running, Delaware.
-- From Reuters:
People who put a lot of weight on luxury vacations or designer decor may end up not being the perfect match in marriage, according to U.S. research.
Our last trip was to Houston and our couch cost 40 bucks. I think we're okay.
Posted by teb at 11:53 AM | Email this entry
March 05, 2007
Overheard on Amtrak this morning
Matt? Walter, how are you. I understand Danielle's going to be tied up. I'm going to ask Nicole to reschedule.
I'm giving you fair warning: Don't scare the project manager.
Emergency slot? What do you mean, emergency slot?
Keep in mind would we rather do it or rather not do it. Yes, definitely. I would probably suggest that they not mention that they have another one of these in the pipe. It's bad enough that they look ridiculous with one. It's going to be more ridiculous with two.
How was the coffee? Robust?
At least we'll be able to noodle over some of that stuff.
Last night I sat down and got the details together but I need to create the Powerpoint presentation to summarize it all.
I want to know why they didn't perform effectively and what steps are being taken to fix it.
Yeah, I got a call into my HR guy. Sounds good, buddy.
Wait, that was a little too easy. I usually get blamed but I usually have to work for it.
Posted by teb at 01:18 PM | Email this entry
March 02, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic)
Mrs. Sheinker just said over the loud speaker that it is misting (or raining)
We saw part of a movie we had already seen and we were going to see a movie that the teachers didn't know what it was but then our reading class had to go to reading.
Today was awful. My ball went over the fence.
Today we had a spelling B in reading. I came in 7 place. not very good is it well you win some you lose some. This time I lost.
everybody said it was going to rain it didn't.
It was boaring. It was okay. I rode my bike. I got a certificate a good certificate. That is all.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
March 01, 2007
A brief dialogue between THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES and THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: How's it going?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Not bad
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: I see you've been watching a lot of movies lately.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Indeed, I have. And I want to thank you for selecting them.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: You're welcome.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: See? We have nothing to argue about.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Right. So I was wondering about "The Devil and Daniel Johnston."
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: The documentary?
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Yes, that's the one. Have you watched it yet?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Not exactly.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Is "not exactly" code for "no"?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Well, yes.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: And you've had it for how long?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: I'm not sure.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Have you had it since, say, last year?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Maybe.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: When, do you think, you'll get around to watching that?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Soon. I'm just waiting for the right mood.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Uh-huh. What mood would that be?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: The I'm-ready-to-watch-the-documentary-about-Daniel-Johnston mood.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: I see. And this mood could strike at any time?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: That is correct. In fact, I'm starting to feel something -- it might be the mood.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: Really?
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Oh wait. I lost it.
THE ME WHO SELECTS NETFLIX MOVIES: That's a shame.
THE ME WHO WATCHES THEM: Yes. Yes, it is.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry