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April 30, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Wake up much earlier than normal. Think "Oh, so this is dawn."
Watch Bill Moyers documentary "Buying The War." Alternately laugh and weep.
While filling up car, remember when gas was 99 cents a gallon. Feel like nostalgic old man.
Find banana in back of freezer. Wonder how the hell that happened.
Make lame joke that Kellie laughs at anyway. Feel lucky to be married.
Posted by teb at 11:46 AM | Email this entry
April 27, 2007
OFF LEASH: On wagging
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
The most e-mailed story on the New York Times website is about dogs. Specifically, it's about the tails of dogs and what their wagging means. Here's the gist: wagging to the right means the dog is happy; wagging to the left means the dog is nervous. For some reason, this takes 1,200 words to explain.
But the researchers have overlooked an important phenomenon, one that may hold the key to understanding the emotions of dogs. I'm speaking, of course, about helicopter tail. When I'm very happy, my tail rotates in a circular pattern, as if my hindquarters were attempting to fly. This often occurs just prior to my morning walk, when I am nearly overcome with anticipation. It also happens whenever I am given meat (which, by the way, is not often enough).
What does this mean? Why does my tail wag like that? How happy am I? Heck, that's a dissertation right there. Just be sure to cite me.
Posted by teb at 12:44 PM | Email this entry
April 26, 2007
A few questions for the person who made markings on nearly every page of the book I'm reading
-- I can see underlining a particular passage that strikes you as profound or beautifully written. I get that. But half the time you're underlining pedestrian descriptions, ordinary phrases, and simple transitions. Why oh why do you do that?
-- Sometimes you draw an asterisk. Other times you draw a bracket. And then, every once in a while, you draw a crude, crooked circle around a paragraph. Is there a method here? Are you just mixing it up? Seriously, what's going on?
-- I assume you liked the book. You read all the way to the end. But in a number of cases, your markings have obscured the text. What if you wanted to re-read it? Or what if someone else wanted to read the same copy? Like, for instance, me?
-- Only underline when you mean it. For instance: You suck. See what I mean?
Posted by teb at 07:08 PM | Email this entry
April 25, 2007
What I learned from watching an hour of the Fox News morning show
-- When a tornado strikes in "southern Texas" there is no need to mention the name of the town, the county or any other specific or potentially useful information.
-- Rosie not returning to the View is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.
-- Fox News is "America's Newsroom." Take that, CNN!
-- If you're not sure what to think about a particular story, Fox News anchors will helpfully tell you what to think.
-- Steve Doocy has pretty hair.
Posted by teb at 11:58 AM | Email this entry
April 24, 2007
MT Index
Number of poles I've backed into in the last 24 hours: 1
Number of years since my last auto accident: 15
Amount of credit one gets for the many years of accident-free driving: 0
Percentage of strangers who, after seeing 7-month-old Henry, attempt to grab his hand or pinch his cheek: 75
How much this annoys me on a scale of one to ten, with ten being really annoyed and one being not annoyed at all: 8
Number of relatives to whom I've said "Of course I remember you!" during our current visit to Houston: 14
Number I actually remember: 3
Posted by teb at 12:29 PM | Email this entry
April 23, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the New York Times:
A White House spokeswoman, Dana Perino, said at a news briefing today that Mr. Bush appreciates Mr. Gonzales's efforts "to combat terrorism and to protect children from predators and to stamp out corruption in government."
And by "stamp out" she means "wholeheartedly facilitate."
-- From the Associated Press:
As Alec Baldwin's angry words to his daughter were being broadcast around the world, the 49-year-old actor explained himself Friday on his Web site.
Parental love is for closers. (clip)
-- From the Los Angeles Times:
Bush said it was important for people in Washington "to learn to laugh" and that the ability for a nation to poke fun at its leaders is good for democracy.
Thank you, Mr. President, for teaching us to laugh.
Posted by teb at 04:37 PM | Email this entry
April 20, 2007
Fun facts about the guy I sat next to on the plane today
-- Refers to fellow passengers as "pardner"
-- Refers to flight attendant as "sweetie"
-- Doesn't like to wait for his gin-and-tonic
-- Apparently bathes in aftershave
-- Demands complimentary potato chips instead of complimentary pretzels
-- Encourages me to "get on out there" when I fail to disembark quickly enough
-- Calls someone to say he sent an e-mail
Posted by teb at 09:53 PM | Email this entry
April 19, 2007
Excuses for why this post is sub-par
I stayed up all night writing an article. *
It's hard for me to think straight at the moment and, also, my hands are bound. #
The Guatemalan man I employ to write most of my posts is taking a well-deserved holiday. ^
No one's paying me to write this crap. ~
Dwarves. They have stolen my sacks. I will find them. Oh yes, I will find them. +
* true statement
# partially true statement
^ outright lie
~ mild swearing
+ total nonsense
Posted by teb at 07:22 AM | Email this entry
April 18, 2007
PROSE and KAHNS
PROSE:
-- I walked the dog.
-- The room is messy.
-- Grapes taste good.
KAHNS:
-- Madeline
-- Louis
-- Wrath of
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
April 17, 2007
Headlines From Around The House
Baby's Expression Foretells Soiled Diaper
Missing Cell Phone Right Where You Left It
Noise Outside Just Wind
Odor Traced To Dog
Broken Mug Briefly Mourned, Trashed
Posted by teb at 12:25 PM | Email this entry
April 16, 2007
What I learned from my short stay at GW hospital
-- Crocs are the footwear of choice for nurses.
-- If you're an old man, don't drink a lot and then try to climb some steps.
-- If you snort a bunch of heroin, you may sneeze blood.
-- Actual ER less funny than Scrubs.
-- When they say "little pinch," they're lying.
-- When they say "short wait," they're lying.
-- Anti-nausea medication is the best. stuff. ever.
Posted by teb at 02:42 PM | Email this entry
April 13, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led random, innocent bystanders to this harmless, fruit-flavored blog
-- "Global warming pros and cons"
Hundreds of people -- literally hundreds -- have visited Minor Tweaks after searching for this phrase (thanks to this post). While I appreciate the traffic, I suggest you go here instead.
-- "huggies baby wipes makes babies taste good"
Try some paprika too.
-- "in corporate america is hair important for women?"
Depends on where it is.
-- "last minute costume Halloween"
You have more time than you think, my friend.
-- "novelty apron breasts"
Somebody has a terrible, terrible gift in mind.
-- "markie post naked"
From what I can tell, the insatiable demand for clothes-free photographs of the former Night Court star is the Internet's driving force.
-- "i hope that satisfies the little bastards"
Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Posted by teb at 06:11 PM | Email this entry
April 12, 2007
The upside of food poisoning
-- Excuse to writhe helplessly on floor
-- Exercise the old gag reflex
-- More "me time"
-- Makes one's eventual death seem almost welcome
-- Toilet needed a hug anyway
Posted by teb at 12:27 PM | Email this entry
April 11, 2007
What I learned from the "Soft Surroundings" catalog
-- The brunch tee is "figure-friendly."
-- The world of Soft Surroundings is Manet in reverse: The women are clothed, the men are shirtless.
-- The beach gauze pants can be worn "anywhere." Finally, a pant without geographical restrictions.
-- The Java jungle pants were inspired by vintage bark cloth.
-- The catalog writers "love the crisp impression of the vibrant delft blue oversized Jacobean pattern against soft white and the duvet cover's dramatic stylized top that flips over to a delicate floral motif." Well, sure, everyone loves that.
-- The pleat skirt is the "epitome of Paris." Apparently it's dirty, rude and always on strike.
Posted by teb at 01:34 PM | Email this entry
April 10, 2007
The morning papers
-- Headline:
US throws the book at China over piracy
China immediately copies the book and starts selling it on the street.
-- From Der Spiegel:
'Iraqis Are in No Mood to Celebrate'
Why the long face, Iraqis?
-- From ABC News:
14 Killed by Female Bomber in Iraq
Oh yeah. Sorry. My bad.
Posted by teb at 11:27 AM | Email this entry
April 09, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Order pizza. When delivery guy says "Thanks, chief" respond out-of-nowhere "No problem, dawg."
Notice that grass should be mowed. Curse you, Spring!
Conclude that "Obamanation!" would be a bad slogan for Barack Obama's presidential campaign.
Wish I was more like this guy.
Intertwine fingers behind head in a thoughtful manner.
Posted by teb at 11:14 AM | Email this entry
April 06, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Unanswered edition
Sadly, not all Consumer E-mails receive replies. Here are a few unanswered inquiries:
Dear Haribo Gold-Bears Gummi Candy,
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy your Gold-Bears Gummi Candi. Your slogan says "Kids and Grown-ups love it so." Yes, they do. Even really old people like them!
I was wondering, though, if you considered making other gummi animals. Like gummi raccoons or gummi wolverines? What about a gummi fox? Why bears all the time? Think about it.
Thanks again for all you do!
all the best,
Tom
*****
Dear Entenmann's,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your Glazed Popems.
What's great is that they're small. It's all the taste of a full-size donut without the commitment. Yes!
Anyway. How did you come up with the name "Glazed Popems." Because it's perfect: They're glazed and you "pop them," so to speak, in your mouth. It's very, very apt.
all the best,
Tom
*****
Dear Right Guard,
First of all, let me just say how much I enjoy using Right Guard. It gives me the anti-perspirant efficacy I need, minus the messy residue. Boo yeah!
I do have a question. Currently, I use Right Guard Sport but I'm planning to upgrade to Right Guard Xtreme. My active lifestyle demands maximum protection. But should I go with Xtreme "Fresh Blast" or Xtreme "Arctic Refresh"? (FYI: I have super sweaty pits.)
Please let me know ASAP. I plan to hit the store on Thursday.
All the best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
April 05, 2007
NyQuil: An ode
Sniffling, sneezing
I am
Coughing, aching
That, too
Oh cherry flavor
How I savor
You
I need the fix
Made by Vicks
Sweet, sweet soma
Bring on the coma
Posted by teb at 01:57 PM | Email this entry
April 04, 2007
Things that are almost as sad as a baby with a really bad cold (but not quite)
-- Picasso's blue period
-- Goya's black paintings
-- Rainy days
-- Mondays
-- John McCain, strolling around Baghdad, pretending like everything's hunky dory
-- The end of Brokeback Mountain when he sniffs the shirt
-- A lost puppy. On Christmas. Also, he has three legs.
Posted by teb at 07:15 AM | Email this entry
April 03, 2007
The morning papers
-- CBS headline:
Christians, Catholics Celebrate Palm Sunday
Finally, something the two distinct groups can agree on.
-- From China Daily:
Lunar rover makes its debut in Shanghai
I'm pretty sure they're using it wrong.
-- From the Boston Globe:
Many diagnoses of depression may be misguided, study says
Bummer.
Posted by teb at 10:47 AM | Email this entry
April 02, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Wipe nose of baby with own sleeve. Feel like real parent.
Search frantically for ringing phone. Wish phone was attached to wall with, like, a cord.
Enjoy multiple chocolate-chip muffins.
Consider going for a run. Re-consider.
Leave house once all weekend. Think "Ah, so this is outside."
Posted by teb at 01:29 PM | Email this entry