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May 31, 2007
What I learned from the crumpled-up note I found on the sidewalk while walking the dog
-- Roger is a "free agent" and it would be possible for you to "hook up witem."
-- Damian's older brother is "sexi."
-- For a time, Deja was romantically linked to Roger. That is over now.
-- Deiontae is the "new boi" on the scene
-- "Man, he wasn't dat cute but I heard he diggin somebody here."
-- "He says he loves me and I luv him I luv mi babi yep yep I luv mi boi."
-- Despite rumors to the contrary, Mario "don't meant shyt to me nomore."
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
May 30, 2007
Another insightful philosophical reflection
This morning, while walking the dog, I spotted a bird with a worm in its mouth. This put me in mind of the saying "the early bird gets the worm." Yet it was not early –- it was 9:15. So, in this case, a later bird had gotten the worm.
Or, rather, "a" worm. It's not like there's only one worm. Or one bird either. There are multiple birds and worms and the birds get the worms and the worms get eaten. Which is sad for the worms, but not that sad because, hey, they're worms.
The point is, if you're a bird, you can get worms pretty much whenever. And if you're a worm, you're more or less screwed. So it's best to be a bird. I mean, like, metaphorically or whatever.
Posted by teb at 10:10 AM | Email this entry
May 29, 2007
The morning papers
-- From Raw Story:
"Capture one of these killers, and he'll be quick to demand the protections of the Geneva Convention and the Constitution of the United States," the Vice President said in the Saturday morning speech. "Yet when they wage attacks or take captives, their delicate sensibilities seem to fall away."
Ergo, we should torture people. Makes perfect sense.
-- From the Associated Press:
Nearly 300 of the country's best spellers will gather in Washington on Wednesday for the 80th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee.
Happy anniversery, spelling bee!
-- From the Associated Press:
President Bush yesterday honored U.S. troops who have fought and died for freedom and expressed his steely resolve to succeed in the war in Iraq.
For "expressed his steely resolve to succeed" read "reiterated his pig-headed insistence on killing even more people in a war that was started for no. good. reason."
Posted by teb at 10:59 AM | Email this entry
May 28, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Cut down small tree in front yard. Feel like mighty lumberjack.
Spread hummus on pita. Consume.
Read 50 pages of A Question of Torture before bed. Have bad dreams.
Consider going for mid-day run. Decide it's too hot; take mid-day nap instead.
Find self agreeing with Rufus Wainwright. At least on this.
Sweat.
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | Email this entry
May 25, 2007
Bartlett's less familiar quotations
"Do you smell something?"
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"No, no -- my other pants."
-- Jean de La Fontaine
"If there's one thing I like, it's pie."
-- Samuel Johnson
"Nuh-uh."
-- Washington Irving
"My toe feels all weird."
-- Alfred Lord Tennyson
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
May 24, 2007
MT Index
Number of hours I slept Tuesday night: 2
Number of hours I slept last night: 12
The difference in hours between those two nights of sleep: 10
How much better I feel, represented by a percentage: 100
Number of teeth Henry has: 1
How cute a baby with one tooth is on a scale of one to ten, with ten being pretty cute and one being not cute at all: 10
Number of additional items I have for this particular MT Index: 0
Posted by teb at 01:55 PM | Email this entry
May 23, 2007
The Upside of Insomnia
-- Chance to catch up on tossing, turning
-- The novelty of eating cereal at 3 a.m.
-- Get jump on posting next day's blog entry
-- More "me" time
-- Not sleeping is the new sleeping
Posted by teb at 05:07 AM | Email this entry
May 22, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the Washington Post:
Female Urinary Incontinence Surgeries Go Head-to-Head
Um, ah, I ... what?
-- From BBC News:
A British climber has set a world record by making a mobile phone call from the top of Mount Everest.
Take that, Sprint guy.
-- From the New York Times:
President Bush said on Monday that any effort by Congress to hold a no-confidence vote on Alberto R. Gonzales, his embattled attorney general, amounted to the "kind of political theater that has caused the American people to lose confidence in how Washington operates."
I don’t think that's the problem, Mr. 28-percent.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
May 21, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Tour amazing house that's for sale up the street. Suffer extreme residence envy.
Wash baby in kitchen sink. Discover there is nothing harder to hold than a wet, squirmy 8-month-old.
Continue battle against ants determined to enter house through every crack and crevice. You haven't beaten me yet, you bastards!
Read this article about socialites in New York competing to see who is the most shallow and ridiculous. They're all winners, in my book.
Hum the song "Cold Hearted" by Paula Abdul while vacuuming. Wonder where that came from.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
May 18, 2007
Old, Crappy Stove: An elegy
Your front left burner
Never worked
And this lack of function
Always irked
That gassy smell
It left no doubt
That your fickle light
Had again gone out
Your looks were stylish
Circa 78
But in this century
They're less than great
Your day has passed
You had your shot
Will we miss you?
I think not
Posted by teb at 12:48 PM | Email this entry
May 17, 2007
PROS and CONS: That guy over there
PROS:
-- Quiet
-- Harmless
-- Keeps to himself
CONS:
-- Shifty
-- Beardy
-- Nude
Posted by teb at 11:14 AM | Email this entry
May 16, 2007
The morning papers
-- CNN Headline:
Wolfowitz pleads case before board
Hey kids, make your own headline: [Pretty much any Bush appointee] pleads case before [some oversight organization]
-- From CBC News:
Standup desk with treadmill lets workers walk while they work
Now they just need a wheel and some wood chips.
-- From the Washington Post:
A person could consume 800 pounds of meat in a single day from animals that ate feed made with tainted pet food before having any health effects from the toxins in that pet food, government scientists said yesterday.
I know what I'm having for lunch.
Posted by teb at 10:50 AM | Email this entry
May 15, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Crispix
Dear Crispix,
First of all, let me say how much I love Crispix cereal. Dry or soggy, Crispix has never let me down. NEVER!
I did have a suggestion. Crispix, as you well know, features crunchy corn on one side and crispy rice on the other. But the middle is just air. I wonder if you could squeeze a marshmallow in there or, better yet, a berry or small nut. Heck, maybe all three! Wouldn't that be something?
Anyway. Please keep this in mind.
Stay strong!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Mr. Bartlett,
It was nice of you to want to share your suggestion with us. While your idea is not new to us, we appreciate your interest and the time you took to submit this idea.
Our company devotes a great deal of time and effort to developing new and improved products, packaging concepts, promotions and merchandising ideas, such as recipe ideas and alternate serving suggestions, to make our products the best on the market. We hope that you will agree we are on the right track here.
We appreciate your interest in our company.
Sincerely,
Consumer Affairs Department
Posted by teb at 08:51 AM | Email this entry
May 14, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Buy some fruit at Whole Foods. File for bankruptcy.
Be happy NBC picked up 30 Rock for another season. Such a good show.
Enjoy a handful of yogurt-covered raisins.
Listen to Mitt Romney's 60 Minutes interview. Be amazed that anyone so transparently disingenuous actually has a shot at the presidency.
Enjoy a second handful of yogurt-covered raisins.
Sit on front porch. Wave at passers-by. Feel neighborly.
Buy bag of fertilizer at Home Depot. Wonder why car stinks.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
May 11, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led average, unsuspecting bystanders to this modest, sweet-smelling blog
-- "how much is three ounces of turkey"
Just under four, little more than two.
-- "how much does oprah smallest dog weigh?"
I'm gonna say three ounces.
-- "degree hiking"
Pre-med harder than you thought?
-- "understand babies expressions"
-- "markie post naked free"
Yeah, good luck. The rest of us have to pay for our naked Markie Post photos.
-- "baby lies with tongue protruding"
Never trust a baby with his tongue out.
-- "psychosis everyone is sniffing around me"
You're not crazy. You just smell nice.
Posted by teb at 10:04 AM | Email this entry
May 10, 2007
PROS and CONS: Space
PROS:
-- Final frontier
-- Is The Place
CONS:
-- The James Michener novel
-- Getting lost in
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry
May 09, 2007
What I learned from the "Instructional Manual for Residential Gas Water Heaters"
-- HOT WATER CAN SCALD
-- "DO NOT test for gas leaks using a match."
-- There are, approximately, 82 ways that your water heater can kill you.
-- "Sooting" is a word.
-- If you were thinking about forcing the gas-control knob to turn, you might want to reconsider.
-- Your water heater is just looking for an excuse to explode.
-- If you harm the dip tube, you'll damage the tank.
-- All water heaters "eventually leak." Life is hopeless.
Posted by teb at 10:26 AM | Email this entry
May 08, 2007
The morning papers
-- From Reuters:
"In several cases, feed samples have tested negative for melamine and related compounds," said USDA. "It is assumed that because only small amounts of the contaminated feed were mixed with other rations, the melamine and related compounds were no longer detectable."
The USDA's new slogan: We assume it's probably fine.
-- From the Telegraph:
The president is known for his dislike of lavish events. Mrs Bush admitted on ABC television yesterday that she and Condoleezza Rice, the secretary of state, “did sort of have to convince him a little bit” to host the dinner.
Go to war for no good reason? Sure! Host a dinner? Geez, I don't know.
-- Headline from the Salt Lake Tribune:
Study: 40 percent of 3-month-olds watch TV regularly
Haven't these kids heard of YouTube?
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
May 07, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Order pizza online. Oh, Internet, what can't you do?
Buy fancy $12 rattle at toy store, forgetting that Henry finds empty water bottles endlessly amusing.
Start reading book titled Impotence: A Cultural History. Remove dust jacket first.
Mow, rake, clean-up yard. Remember apartment days with fondness.
Listen to elderly neighbor describe, in textbook-level detail, recent operation to "drain pockets of fluid." Shudder.
Posted by teb at 09:42 AM | Email this entry
May 04, 2007
Highlights from last night's Republican presidential candidates debate compiled by someone who watched "The Office" instead
Giuliani: As far as abortion goes, I think we need to remember 9-11.
McCain: Man, I am so old.
Brownback: Man, I am so crazy.
Huckabee: Please stand and open your hymnals.
Romney: See, the Indians were actually Jews ...
Tommy Thompson: Am I the guy on "Law and Order"? No, never mind, that's Fred.
Tancredo: Immigration bad.
Hunter: I have a strong, masculine name.
Paul: Oh please. Like I really have a chance.
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry
May 03, 2007
What I learned from the Ballard Designs catalog
-- The decorative bird box has metal feet and a removable head.
-- Some things are handcrafted. Other things "look handcrafted."
-- The Calais Demuline is petite enough to use in pairs.
-- The Chloe bedding ensemble is "a bit bohemian, a touch Moroccan, and a lot of fun."
-- In case you were wondering, the hanging French pig can be admired "from either side."
Posted by teb at 11:12 AM | Email this entry
May 02, 2007
Translating your baby's noises
-- Tuh!
I just noticed the dog.
-- Gah!
This ice cube you handed me is really cold.
-- Mamama
Mama.
-- Babababa
I'm kind of bored and if you don't come up with a way to entertain me -- like handing me a new toy, singing to me, etc. -- I'm going to start wailing like crazy. Seriously. You don't want that.
-- Ahhh!
Look how loud I can be! Isn't that something?
Posted by teb at 12:30 PM | Email this entry
May 01, 2007
The morning papers
-- From the Washington Post blog "Early Warning":
Since the surge in U.S. deaths could be read as either good news or bad, and even the terrorism statistics could be spun to demonstrate some last ditch effort to survive the U.S. offensive, perhaps they say nothing about the war itself.
Um, please please explain to me how an increase in the number of deaths of young Americans sent to fight a hopeless and misguided war might be good news.
-- From Dow Jones Market Watch:
Human Rights Watch charged Wal-Mart Stores Inc. Monday with creating a climate of "fear and intimidation" in its efforts to quash union activity by using an "arsenal of tactics" that includes dispatching a rapid-response team.
Always the low standard of ethics. Always.
-- From the Times UK:
Apple has admitted that some batteries in its Macbook and Macbook Pro line of laptops have 'performance issues' and has issued a software update to fix the problem.
I know what they're talking about. You'll just be typing along and
Posted by teb at 11:17 AM | Email this entry