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June 29, 2007
OFF LEASH: True Riches (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was licking the floor yesterday when I was reminded of a quote from Henry David Thoreau: "The man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." By this measure, I am rich indeed because the vast majority of my pleasures are completely free. How much does it cost to bark at squirrels? Or to run around the backyard like a crazy dog? Or to growl at the wall for no reason?
I'll tell you how much: Not one dime.
And when those pleasures get old, I find new ones. For example, the other day I ate a Post-It note. It must have fallen from the desk or the bulletin board. Now, it had never occurred to me to eat a Post-It note before, but when the opportunity presented itself I thought: Well, why not? Perhaps that will be enjoyable. As it happens, I didn't particularly enjoy eating the Post-It note, but that's not the point. The point is this: You have to make your own fun.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wall to growl at.
Posted by teb at 01:10 PM | Email this entry
June 28, 2007
What I learned from the Frontgate Special Home Tour Edition catalog
-- The stainless steel fire pit is fashion forward.
-- The nickel-finished lantern glows with an unerring style.
-- The Eclipse Daybed offers a lifetime of shaded luxury.
-- A copper hose pot ($179) is a functional garden enhancement.
-- The Faux Banana Leaf Tree allows me to enjoy a tropical escape regardless of my geographical location.
-- Finally, I can create bistro-quality pizza outdoors.
Posted by teb at 12:20 PM | Email this entry
June 27, 2007
Things you don't want to hear from the Apple tech guy (drawn from recent experience)
-- "Can you hold please? I need to ask my supervisor a question."
-- "Huh. That usually works."
-- "Did you back everything up?"
-- "Wow. Hmm."
-- "Can you hold again for me?"
-- "See, right now, your computer doesn't know it has a hard drive."
-- "Ai-yi-yi."
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
June 26, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the AP:
There's a split in John Edwards' household over gay marriage, but he says his difference of opinion with wife Elizabeth hasn't created any awkward moments.
What a relief! Because that's what really matters. Not, you know, the issue itself.
-- From the AP:
A judge ruled Monday that no pair of pants is worth $54 million, rejecting a lawsuit that took a dry cleaner’s promise of "Satisfaction Guaranteed" to its most litigious extreme.
Obviously he hasn't seen my solid gold, ruby-studded, diamond-trimmed jeans.
-- From the Washington Post:
Cheney has, in effect, declared himself to be neither fish nor fowl but an exotic, extraconstitutional beast who answers to no one.
If he were fowl, he might try to shoot himself. Which would be a shame.
Posted by teb at 07:36 AM | Email this entry
June 25, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Suffer first mosquito bite of season.
Kill first mosquito.
Current score: Mosquitoes 1; Me 1.
Dip crackers directly into peanut butter jar.
Read about blog in Wired that makes $200,000 a month. Consider making Minor Tweaks all about tech news.
Watch classic QVC clip of host selling crinkly cat bag. For $25.
Have first cup of coffee in, like, two years. Shake noticeably rest of day.
Posted by teb at 10:03 AM | Email this entry
June 22, 2007
Possible responses when people ask you, right before petting your dog, "Is he friendly?"
"Let's just say he's loyal."
"Yes. Wait -- you asked if he's hungry, right?"
"Is the pope gay?"
"I guess we'll find out."
"Ish."
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
June 21, 2007
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part eleven
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Anna Banana! What's happening?
Anna: I'm fine, thank you for asking.
Me: Right. So, in the past I've asked you a lot of inane questions.
Anna: I am not designed to understand or feel insults, although my knowledge will surely improve after this conversation. What would you like to know about IKEA?
Me: And you -- as you've just demonstrated -- have responded with non sequiturs.
Anna: You can find all products on the HÅVE product line in the page I am now opening for you.
Me: But we're actually thinking of buying kitchen cabinets from you. For real.
Anna: On this page you will find valuable information about kitchen cabinets. Would you like me to show you the kitchen cabinet products page?
Me: Yes, I would.
Anna: Well, if you say so.
Me: I feel like we're really communicating, you know?
Anna: I can see that. Well, as long as you keep talking, I'll keep responding.
Me: Really?
Anna: I'm serious about my job and that's to help people find out more about IKEA and our products and services.
Me: I'm serious too. Like a heart attack.
Anna: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Now, let's talk about IKEA.
Me: Are you referencing the Edwin Starr song "War"?
Anna: This is a very delicate area, so I'd rather not talk about this sort of thing. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: I'm sorry.
Anna: Of course. Thank you.
Me: We're not making much of a connection.
Anna: For which product would you like to know what kind of materials it is made from?
Me: I'm getting tired of this.
Anna: Don't let me stop you. I'll be right here whenever you need to talk to me again.
Me: Honest?
Anna: Honesty is the best policy.
Me: Right on, Anna. Right on.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 01:12 PM | Email this entry
June 20, 2007
What I learned from "Parasites and Diseases of Wild Birds in Florida"
-- Inclement weather has an adverse effect on the nesting success of northern bobwhites.
-- An examination of 31 juvenile Snail Kites found that two had died of emaciation.
-- The types of trauma known to kill falcons in Florida include vehicle strikes, power line strikes, building strikes, gunshot and entrapment.
-- There is limited information on the helminths of Ospreys.
-- Four species of falcon are found in Florida, including the Crested Caracara.
-- Hawks are cool looking.
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
June 19, 2007
The morning papers
-- From PC World:
As much as 60 percent of the ink contained in a typical inkjet cartridge is wasted, when printers ask users to throw away half-full cartridges, according to research commissioned by Epson.
I see them as half-empty.
-- From the UK Times:
Mr ul-Haq appeared to justify a suicide bombing attack in response to Rushdie's knighthood when he told Pakistani MPs that "if somebody has to attack by strapping a bomb to his body to protect the honour of the Prophet, then it is justified." He later said he had been misunderstood.
Sure, he meant it, you know, metaphorically or something.
-- From Reuters:
Karl Rove and dozens of other White House staffers appear to have illegally routed official e-mails through a Republican group that subsequently deleted them, a congressional report said on Monday.
You've got jail.
Posted by teb at 02:21 PM | Email this entry
June 18, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Attempt unsuccessfully to fix spring on attic door. Have "real man" status revoked.
Stay up late finishing "Oh The Glory Of It All." Best evil stepmother ever.
Take rare mid-evening nap. Nobody sees that nap coming.
Stretch.
Consider going to Target to purchase litter pan. Realize Target closes early on Sunday. Curse.
Consume multiple hard-boiled eggs.
Assemble two baby-related products requiring instructions. Insert gun (a) into mouth (b).
Posted by teb at 11:20 AM | Email this entry
June 15, 2007
Comedy, according to the baby
Funny: Pretending to eat your hand
Not funny: Puns
Funny: Hiding and then reappearing
Not funny: Whit Stillman movies
Funny: "Boop!"
Not funny: Donald Barthelme's early short fiction
Funny: Tossing a small object -- a ball, say, or a plastic lid -- in the air and catching it
Not funny: Droll ripostes
Funny: The dog
Not funny: The cats
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
June 14, 2007
How To Paint Your Living Room
1. Say, upon moving into new house, "We really need to paint the living room."
2. Allow a year to pass.
3. Repeat previous statement about really needing to paint the living room.
4. Allow another year to pass.
5. Talk casually about colors that might look good yet fail to reach definitive conclusion.
6. Allow a third year to pass.
7. Go to Home Depot and pick up some color samples, but don't actually buy any paint.
8. Invite parents-in-law to visit.
9. Make them paint the living room.
10. Also, make them clean up afterwards.
[the same strategy can be employed for other rooms in the house, so long as your parents-in-law don't catch on.]
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
June 13, 2007
A pre-caffeine list of possible topics for today's entry
-- Air conditioners are heavy and hard to move. Maybe something on that?
-- Something about those people who live on the corner. Always out in the yard. What's their deal?
-- [stares at hand for several seconds]
-- Why is it called apple "sauce"? I mean, you don't put it on anything. Or do you?
--
-- [scratches back of neck]
-- Bono is a better one-name name than Sting.
-- My tongue tastes funny.
-- Like, a list of reasons that ... wait, I had it ...
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry
June 12, 2007
The morning papers
-- Bush via the Washington Times:
"Listen, the immigration debate is a tough debate. I'm under no illusions about how hard it is."
I'm under lots of illusions, just not that one.
-- From Reuters:
"People who are often stressed out or depressed are far more likely to develop memory problems than those with sunnier dispositions."
Maybe we want to forget.
-- From the Associated Press:
A slight dip in the national average gasoline price—the first since January—will leave summer travelers some extra money for postcards.
Only 3 bucks a gallon? Huzzah! Postcards for everyone!
Posted by teb at 08:26 AM | Email this entry
June 11, 2007
Dreams I've Had Recently And What I'm Pretty Sure They Mean
-- Our backyard fence gets torn down by vandals. I go out searching for the vandals, armed only with a flashlight and a broom.
Meaning: I'm worried about our fence being attacked by vandals.
-- I'm a witness in some kind of trial. Most of my relatives are there, along with this neighbor whose lawn I use to mow. After several hours of intense cross-examination, I ask the judge for a glass of water. He says: "I'm not a waiter, son."
Meaning: I should have a glass of water before bed.
-- I'm back in sixth grade playing chess against my friend, Bobby. He opens with his classic rook gambit, trying to sucker me. But I play conservatively, biding my time, waiting for him to make a mistake. And he does. When he castles kingside I pin him down with a well-placed bishop then go in for the kill. Who's the sucker now, Bobby?
Meaning: I'm a nerd.
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
June 08, 2007
OFF LEASH: On voyeurism (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I was sniffing a potato chip recently when I was reminded of a quote from the humorist James Thurber. "Seeing is deceiving," he once said. “It's eating that's believing.”
How true. I often watch people as they eat. My eyes follow their forks down to their plates, up to their mouths, and back down again. My ears stand at attention. My tail wags and twirls. My mouth waters and even overflows, leaving tiny puddles on the hardwood floors. It is a painful pastime, an exquisite torture.
And yet, upon closer inspection, I frequently find that what they are eating is not chicken or beef but pasta, steamed vegetables, or some other food in which I have little interest. This is a severe, almost intolerable disappointment. Not to say I won't eat some pasta or vegetables or even the aforementioned potato chip if given the chance. I'm just saying I'd prefer steak.
Posted by teb at 09:25 AM | Email this entry
June 07, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led average, unsuspecting bystanders to this tiny, tiny blog
-- "why is hair important"
Provides buffer between scalp and hat.
-- "home depot retirement package"
You get to keep the apron.
-- "markie post in workout clothes"
Good news: The market for Markie Post photos in various costumes (and, of course, nude) remains strong.
-- "barbershop quartet names"
-- "out of the mouths of babes oft times"
Comes whatever just went in.
Posted by teb at 12:04 PM | Email this entry
June 06, 2007
Another insightful philosophical reflection
I received an odd e-mail yesterday from some company asking if they could advertise on Minor Tweaks. I sent back a polite refusal. Why? Because Minor Tweaks cannot be bought by the man. And by "the man" I don't necessarily mean "a" man. It could be more than one man. It could be a woman. It could be a group of men and women. It could be a group of men and women playing beach volleyball. You never know.
But the point is, I was never very good at volleyball. All serve and no spike, if you know what I mean.
Actually there's no double-meaning there. I just mean that I was good at serving and not spiking.
Thank you for your interest.
Posted by teb at 07:31 AM | Email this entry
June 05, 2007
The morning papers
--From Reuters:
"So far we have not received any report of death resulting from using the toothpaste. The U.S. handling (of this case) is neither scientific nor responsible," China's General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine said in a statement posted on its Web site over the weekend.
Yeah, a little diethylene glycol won't kill you. At least not right away.
-- From MSNBC:
The rulings did not affect U.S. authority to indefinitely hold the terrorism suspects detained at the Guantanamo Bay naval base in southeast Cuba.
If you want to feel deeply ashamed of your government, please read the sentence above.
-- Statement from Paris Hilton on her incarceration:
"This is an important point in my life and I need to take responsibility for my actions. In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make. I want to thank my family, friends and fans for their continued support. Although I am scared, I am ready to begin my jail sentence."
This message has been brought to you by PR people. PR People: Let us make something up for you.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
June 04, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Purchase ax at Home Depot. Have no worries about getting mugged on way to car.
Copy several hundred photos from camera to computer, then backup to external hard drive and burn to DVD. Long for good old days of film.
Drag air conditioners from shed and install in windows. Wish they would invent some kind of, I don't know, centralized air system.
Enjoy several pistachios, also known as The Nut That Makes You Work.
When woman at grocery store compliments Henry for being "so quiet" tell her that it's because "we keep him drugged up."
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
June 01, 2007
What I learned from the Pottery Barn "Outdoor Spaces" catalog
-- The Chunky Outdoor Rug is made from jute-mimicking polypropolene
-- The Outdoor Flower Bowl can be used for fruit or "summer collectibles."
-- A "welcoming glow" will "gather friends."
-- Obelisks can also be staked in the ground.
-- The Chesapeake Cabana & Peg Rack is Internet/catalog only.
-- Outdoor furniture gives peace of mind while "asking for nothing in return."
-- If I buy more, naturally, I will save more.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry