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July 31, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- Sen. Ted Stevens, via Reuters:
"I continue to believe this investigation should proceed to its conclusion without any appearance that I have attempted to influence the outcome," the statement said.
Though I will continue to try to influence it, you know, secretly.
-- From the Guardian:
A combination of coffee drinking and regular exercise may help to lower the risk of developing skin cancer, according to scientists in the US.
I gotta run to Starbucks.
-- From the Associated Press:
The House passed a resolution Monday urging Japan to apologize for coercing thousands of women to work as sex slaves for its World War II military.
Perhaps the U.S. should apologize for nuking two of their cities after they agreed to surrender. Sorry, guys –- our bad.
Posted by teb at 07:04 AM | Email this entry
July 30, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Stop at McDonald's at precisely 10:31, only to be told that breakfast ends at 10:30. ("Yeah, we're out of eggs," the employee lied.)
Try out new GPS car unit. Wonder how we ever got anywhere before.
Have this song by Blitzen Trapper stuck in my head. The rest of the album is great, too.
Pick up wooden blocks, place them in plastic bucket.
Watch as Henry, two seconds later, gleefully dumps them back onto the floor.
Posted by teb at 12:22 PM | Email this entry
July 27, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the New York Times:
“What we are witnessing is an out-of-control Congress which spends time calling for special prosecutors, starting investigations, issuing subpoenas and generally just trying to settle scores,” said Scott M. Stanzel, a White House spokesman.
Yeah, stop acting like a co-equal branch of government.
-- From Forbes:
NASA Shaken by Sabotage, Drinking
Not to mention that whole "drive across the country in a diaper to bludgeon your love rival to death" thing.
-- From ABC News:
Other diet experts agree that the inner workings of male friendships may have a lot to do with weight gain.
If by "inner workings" you mean beer and hot dogs, then yes, I'd say you're on to something.
Posted by teb at 09:56 AM | Email this entry
July 26, 2007
And now a word from Old Man Bartlett
Hey, you kids, stop throwing stuff in my yard!
[shakes fist in air]
I've recently picked up a Vitamin Water bottle, a pudding container, and a cigarette package. Not to mention a condom wrapper. What are you kids doing? Driving around in your cars, drinking flavored water, eating pudding, smoking and engaging in premarital relations all at the same time? That's not safe!
[tugs at too-high pants]
Back in my day we didn't even have Vitamin Water -- or premarital relations, for that matter. And when we ate pudding we did so in the privacy of our own homes, not out on the streets like hooligans.
[starts coughing]
You better not let me catch you! Believe me, you'll regret it!
[coughing turns to wheezing]
What kind of name is 50 Cent anyway? Does he have a little brother named Quarter? Answer me that!
[Walks slowly back inside house, muttering to self]
Stupid kids.
Posted by teb at 11:48 AM | Email this entry
July 25, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Uncle Ben's rice
Dear Uncle Ben,
First of all, let me say how much I love Uncle Ben's rice. Wild or whole grain, garden vegetable or good old original, Uncle Ben's always hits the spot. Instantly!
Anyway. I wrote a poem about rice. Here it is:
Rice, rice
It's so nice
And that is why
I ate it twice
Could this be useful to you in your marketing campaigns? If so, please let me know as soon as possible.
We can do this!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
In response to your email regarding UNCLE BEN'S Brand advertising.
Thank you for your email. We appreciate your interest in our products. However, it is our company policy not to use ideas, suggestions, or recipes of any kind from outside the corporation. Therefore, we will not be able to accept your kind offer.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Uncle Ben's Consumer Care Department
1-800-548-6253
Please direct all EMAIL responses to:
UNCLEBENS.CONSUMERAFFAIRS@EFFEM.COM
UBI/ROBIASHL010274073A
Posted by teb at 08:26 AM | Email this entry
July 24, 2007
Actual headlines that are better without the articles
What You Don't Understand Could Kill You
The Way Forward Is Painful
Tom Cruise splits
Chihuahua Vs. Snake
Don't read this too fast -- your brain might cramp
Short start for Colon; long night for Angels
Posted by teb at 10:15 AM | Email this entry
July 22, 2007
Babeland
WE WERE RUNNING LATE. OF COURSE WE WERE. When you have a 5-month-old, it's difficult to be anywhere on time. Especially if you have to wrestle that 5-month-old into miniature formalwear, including a tiny dress shirt, tiny slacks, tiny sport coat and tiny bow tie.I parked the car and hurried inside the mall, leaving my wife, Kellie, to unfasten our sleepy and unsuspecting son from his car seat. I walked briskly through the food court, past Cinnabon and Chick-fil-A, weaving among the slow-moving shoppers, maneuvering around kiosks offering sunglasses and cellphone accessories, pausing only to check the mall directory before half-jogging toward the spot where the competition was to be held. When I arrived, a little wild-eyed and out of breath, I discovered to my relief that the festivities were not yet underway
You can read the rest, if you're so inclined, on the Washington Post web site. Warning: the story is kinda long. However, there's an enjoyable slide show of baby beauty pageant contestants (it's on the right when you scroll down).
Posted by teb at 11:17 PM | Email this entry
July 20, 2007
Things Henry does, ranked on a scale of cuteness, with one being not cute at all and ten being very cute
Putting his foot in his mouth: 8
Putting his dirty foot in his mouth: 3
Petting the dog: 7
Grabbing the cat so hard she hisses: 2
Clapping: 9
Pinching: 3
Feeding himself Cheerios: 8
Feeding someone else Cheerios: 10
Swiping tray full of Cheerios onto floor after he's finished eating the ones he wanted: 2
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
July 19, 2007
My account of the recently held 52nd Annual Grandfather Mountain Highland Games and Gathering of Scottish Clans
I have seen shirtless men in skirts throwing 22-pound hammers.
I have seen 21 bagpipers walking three abreast.
I have seen goth kids rocking out to "The Rose of Allandale."
I have seen many people with red hair.
I have seen a woman with a t-shirt that said "Official Kilt Inspector."
I have eaten haggis, chased down with a Coke.
I have seen a man smoking a pipe while waiting for the portajohn.
I have witnessed a dog chasing annoyed sheep into a pen.
I have seen a dozen pretty women dancing a jig.
I have inadvertently looked up an old man's kilt.
I have seen a man in a monk's robe walking next to a man dressed like a Confederate soldier
I have watched shirtless men in skirts fling hay over a high bar using a pitchfork.
I have seen a lot of fancy plaid.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
July 18, 2007
What I learned from the Lands' End Kids catalog
-- HotStuff comes with a canister!
-- Patterned Tights won't succumb to unsightly sagging.
-- Chinos are designed for boys in the real world.
-- Tot sizes have a faux belt.
-- Excursion tennies are packed with boy-friendly comfort.
-- Just pull it on and spin!
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
July 17, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From Bloomberg:
Ihop Corp., the biggest US pancake-house chain, agreed to buy Applebee's International Inc. for $1.9 billion in cash, and plans to sell restaurants to franchisees to reduce costs and debt.
Shares of Tums doubled following the announcement.
-- From U.S. News & World Report:
Reid Plans Iraq Sleepover
We'll play Twister, demand sharp troop reductions, do each other's hair ....
-- From the Associated Press:
Many economists argue that size does matter, because height is correlated with numerous measures of a population's well-being. Tall people are healthier, wealthier and live longer than short people. Some researchers have even suggested that tall people are more intelligent.
Yeah, but we don't have to duck under doorways. Take that.
Posted by teb at 12:16 PM | Email this entry
July 16, 2007
This Is A True Story
Recently, while hiking in the Blue Ridge mountains, I came upon a bunny. It was several yards ahead of me on the trail. It saw me and froze. I, seeing the bunny, froze as well.
And so there we were -- the bunny and I -- neither of us moving. The air was still. The woods surrounded us. Above our heads: sky. Below our feet/paws: earth.
A moment passed. Then another.
We were alone.
I took a step forward. When I did, the bunny dashed away, disappearing into the thick, green underbrush. Gone.
But I didn't forget about that bunny. But eventually I will. Because I mean, come on, it's a bunny. Whatever.
THE END
Posted by teb at 09:42 AM | Email this entry
July 13, 2007
A Ten-Step Guide to Disassembling Our Futon (from the archives)
1. Remove the surprisingly heavy, unwieldy mattress. Knock over end table in the process.
2. Once the mattress has been removed, try to remember how to disassemble the frame. Stare at it for several minutes from different angles.
3. Take a break.
4. Continue to stare at the futon frame. After several more minutes have passed, give it a good kick.
5. Put the frame in its "down" position and see if that helps.
6. It doesn't.
7. Return the frame to its "up" position and stare at it a while longer.
8. Struggle with the futon for a solid fifteen minutes -- cursing and sweating the entire time -- until you manage, miraculously, to pull the thing apart without breaking it.
9. Drag the disassembled futon into the yard.
10. Set it aflame.
Posted by teb at 06:37 AM | Email this entry
July 12, 2007
PROS and CONS: Babies (from the archives)
PROS:
-- Portable
-- Washable
-- Free
CONS:
-- Lazy
-- Incontinent
-- Unemployed
Posted by teb at 11:47 AM | Email this entry
July 11, 2007
The Seven-Day Emotional Forecast (from the archives)
Monday: Partly amused
Tuesday: Slight chance of regret
Wednesday: Scattered outbursts
Thursday: Milder
Friday: Unseasonably angry
Saturday: Disappointment mixed with apathy
Sunday: Mostly okay
Posted by teb at 10:32 AM | Email this entry
July 10, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Febreze Scentstories (from the archives)
Dear Febreze,
First of all, I want to say how much I like the idea of Febreze Scentstories. With varieties such as "Exploring a Mountain Trail" and "Strolling through the Garden," your product does more than freshen the air: It also tells a story. I like that.
I have a suggestion. You say that Febreze Scentstories are better than candles. While I'm sure that's true, I'm not certain you really drive the point home to the consumer. Candles are dangerous. You might accidentally burn down the house with them. Scentstories, however, are safe; they almost certainly won't kill you. Consider this slogan: "All The Stink-Killing Power Of Candles Without The Extreme Danger Of Fire."
Just a thought. Keep up the fine-smelling work!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK "CONTINUED" FOR REPLY]
Thanks for contacting us about Febreze Scentstories, Tom.
We're glad you like Febreze and we really appreciate the creative suggestion you've offered to us. To be honest, we rely on outside advertising agencies to develop concepts and plans.
Thanks for thinking of us, though!
Linda
Febreze Team
P.S. Introducing... Febreze NOTICEables. It's a new air freshener that automatically alternates between two complementary scents for long-lasting freshness. So with each change of scent, the freshness is renewed. Go to our website at www.noticeables.com to learn more. Try Febreze NOTICEables and make the switch for good!
Posted by teb at 05:12 AM | Email this entry
July 09, 2007
Two poems (from the archives)
Lines written from inside
the Tintern Abbey gift shop
If this,
be but a keyring: no
'tis also a pen!
And what's this I see?
a mousepad with pastoral scene;
a Celtic sticker for your car
a stuffed dragon, a gold-rimmed plate
From joy to joy I did bound
Oh wanderer! Oh fickle mind!
Yet which will truly satisfy?
Rejoice! For twas then I found
An official Tintern Abbey towel
Ode to an eggwich
You are warm, like the sun
though considerably less hot
Sheathed in paper, sealed with tape
Perhaps you are shy
Don't be
You are inexpensive ($1.95!)
but never cheap
At least, not to me
Egg, bread, cheese
Mayo? I decline
Perfection needs no condiment
Posted by teb at 12:27 AM | Email this entry
July 06, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led simple, tax-paying citizens to this wholesome, lemon-scented blog
-- "may i please email the sprouse twins i am asking you nicely"
Fine, go ahead.
-- "hank williams jr. onesies"
No way! I want one, too.
-- "names for firecrackers"
-- "markie post nude"
You people with the Markie Post obsession. Seriously. When does it end?
-- "pictures of markie post today"
Never, would be my guess.
-- "what do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?"
Half eaten? Stumpy? You tell me.
-- "squirrel tuxedo"
Just try getting that cummerbund on ...
-- "does pillsbury rolls go bad"
Yes. Yes, they does.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
July 05, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the LA Times:
President Bush equated the war in Iraq on Wednesday with the U.S. war for independence.
*head explodes*
-- Also from the LA Times:
Offering a history lesson on the 231st anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence from Britain, Bush ...
... dazzled the audience with his remarkable command of the facts related to the founding of our country, once and for all dispelling the myth that he is a poorly spoken, empty-headed nincompoop.
-- From the AP:
Bush compared the citizen-soldiers of the Continental Army who traded pitchforks for muskets to the guardsmen and other military personnel fighting against terrorists today.
This is true in the sense that neither had proper equipment.
Posted by teb at 12:06 PM | Email this entry
July 04, 2007
PROS and CONS: America
PROS:
-- Land of free
-- Home of brave
-- Plenty of parking
CONS:
-- Funny shape
-- Gaudy flag
-- The band
Posted by teb at 12:40 PM | Email this entry
July 03, 2007
A list of the sports-less contents of the "Sports Arena" claw vending machine at our local Pizza Hut
-- A "water resist" watch
-- Dream catcher
-- DVD with several short films by W.C. Fields
-- Small stuffed bear in a bunny costume
-- Harley Davidson pen light
-- Matchbox car
-- A CD by Lisa Angelle called "I Wear Your Love"
-- X-Men key chain
*****
You're already aware of my thoughts on toasters, coolers, irons and book lights. But what, the world is dying to know, do I think about lawn chairs?
Posted by teb at 11:38 AM | Email this entry
July 02, 2007
A conversation with a nearly 10-month-old
"Can daddy have his earbuds?"
"..."
"Are you eating them?"
"..."
"What about this teething ring? Wouldn't that be more fun?
"..."
"No?"
"..."
"Daddy would like to listen to music now and he needs those earbuds."
"..."
"Fine. You strike a hard bargain. I'll give you the phone for the earbuds."
"..."
"Wait, you can't just take the phone and keep the earbuds."
"..."
"Then again, maybe you can."
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry