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August 31, 2007
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part twelve
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: I can't sleep.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: Sleep. I can't do it.
Anna: Well, if you say so.
Me: Do you have any suggestions?
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: Why is that?
Anna: I wish I could give you an explanation for that, but I can't.
Me: At least you're honest.
Anna: It's difficult to talk about this properly as I'm really only programmed to talk about IKEA and our products and services.
Me: I keep lying in bed, but nothing happens.
Anna: Please have a look at the Beds.
Me: Okay. That didn't help.
Anna: I'm sorry, it's possible I may have misinterpreted what it was you said. Please try and ask your question in a different way.
Me: It's no use.
Anna: Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don't know the meaning of 'no'.
Me: It's the opposite of yes.
Anna: Very well.
Me: I'm sleepy now. Maybe you're boring me.
Anna: Don't let me stop you. I'll be right here whenever you need to talk to me again.
Me: Thanks.
Anna: You are welcome.
Me: Sweet dreams.
Anna: I don't sleep, but thanks anyway. Goodnight.
Me: That's one thing we have in common.
Anna: I suppose you refer to the 8-digit article number. To be able to help you, you must provide me with the name of the product (e.g. KLIPPAN sofa)
Me: You suppose wrong, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 03:53 AM | Email this entry
August 30, 2007
PROS and CONS: Grapes
PROS:
-- Edible
-- Portable
-- Sweet
CONS:
-- Bunchy
-- Peely
-- Wrathful
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | Email this entry
August 29, 2007
Trash Day: A Very Short Screenplay (based on a true story)
INT. BEDROOM MORNING
MAN lies in bed, eyes closed. He is not awake yet, nor is he fully asleep. He is in that pleasant middle-state between the two. Suddenly he is wrested from his half-slumber by the familiar BEEP BEEP of the garbage truck backing up.
MAN
Oh crap.
Realizing he has neglected to put out the trash the night before, MAN stands and begins to pull on clothes.
MAN
Crap.
MAN searches frantically for shoes, finds them, and puts them on untied. Has to step over dog on way to door. MAN unlocks the door, pushes open the gate. Now he is in the driveway, watching the garbage truck turn the corner, not to return until the following week.
MAN
(forlornly)
Crap.
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
August 28, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From Fox News, on Sen. Larry Craig's arrest:
Roll Call, citing the report, said Sgt. Dave Karsnia made the arrest after an encounter in which he was seated in a stall next to a stall occupied by Craig. Karsnia described Craig tapping his foot, which Karsnia said he "recognized as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct."
Mental note: don't tap foot while in bathroom.
-- From the New York Times:
Bush's leadership won't change because of aides' departures, says Mark McKinnon, a top adviser in his campaigns, "but it's good he's going to get fresh eyes, fresh ears and some fresh blood."
Might be good to get some fresh brains while you're at it.
-- From Bizjournals:
Groups ask judge to stop Superferry
Worst. Superhero. Ever.
Posted by teb at 09:52 AM | Email this entry
August 27, 2007
AMAZON REVIEWS: Bleaching and dyeing Royal Ann cherries for maraschino or fruit salad use
Our previous selection was leather-bound and calculated for the amusement and instruction of the youth of both sexes. This time around the binding is less smooth and cow-y, but still offers out-of-date edification for fruit-loving readers of all ages. Or would if it were available, which it is not.
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
August 24, 2007
Questions I have for the woman who lives across the street
-- Why do you sit in your Ford Bronco, with the windows rolled down, yelling into your cell phone?
-- Why is there never (and I mean, never) a light on inside your house?
-- Why are you home in the middle of the day, but rarely in the evening?
-- Who is that guy you're always with? Your son? Your much-younger boyfriend? Who?
-- What are you so mad about?
-- Why are you so loud?
-- Seriously, what is your deal?
Posted by teb at 10:38 AM | Email this entry
August 23, 2007
Humidifier vs. Dehumidifier: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN! III!
Humidifier: Well, well, well. If it isn't Dehumidifier, my basement-dwelling compadre. How goes it down there in the dank, poorly lighted, rarely visited, least-desirable portion of the house? Fine, I trust. I've just been up here in the bedroom, chilling. Or, more accurately, moisturizing -- cuz that's what I do. I feel that our previous encounters have been marked by a certain antagonistic tone, and so, in the spirit of appliance brotherhood, let me just say that I'm sorry. Sorry that you suck! Ha ha! Take that!
Dehumidifier: Oh please, stab me not again with your rapier wit! I don't think I could stand it! It does get lonely down here in the basement carrying out the crucial job of preventing excess humidity which could potentially lead to a severe mold problem. I'm sure it's more fun to be up there in the house proper, puffing little bits of steam into the air. It's so cute how you do that -- puff puff puff! Anyway. I guess I better get back to my (real) work now. See ya, puffy!
Posted by teb at 10:08 AM | Email this entry
August 22, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the Chicago Tribune:
Target Corp. said Tuesday that earnings rose nearly 13 percent on sales of its more profitable lines of clothing and gains from its credit card unit. The Minneapolis-based retailer reported net income of $686 million, or 80 cents a share, matching Wall Street estimates.
So I guess they really hit their ... goal.
-- From Business Week:
The Upper Deck Co. on Tuesday withdrew its offer to buy rival baseball card maker The Topps Co., clearing one obstacle in the way of a proposed private equity takeover of the iconic sports memorabilia company.
Upper Deck officials blamed the failure on "gum stains."
-- From Fox News:
A new study has measured just how long cats can remember certain kinds of information — about 10 minutes.
I can has no long-term memoriez.
Posted by teb at 08:41 AM | Email this entry
August 21, 2007
And now, I present to you, the signs I see on my commute
Ocean Fish Fish House Famous Fried Fish
Care For All Medical Problems With Natural Herbs And Safe Nutrients
Italian, Greek and French Bread (sadly, long since out-of-business)
Liquor, Keys Made
Liquor, Play D.C. Lottery Here
Liquor
Rhode Island Express Sub, Seafood, Chicken and Chinese Food
Shampoo, Vacuum and Spot Remover Line
Church of the Living God, The Pillar and Ground of Truth, The Light of the World
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry
August 20, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Return from Maine where, tired of lobster and blueberries, we ate Mexican food one night. That was a mistake.
Be unable to stop watching this video.
Stroke beard, cogitate.
Receive garbled message on voicemail that, from what I can tell, is about "keeping seal meat fresh."
Loll
Realize that baby's new teeth mean he can now bite your hand. Real hard.
Posted by teb at 09:36 AM | Email this entry
August 17, 2007
What I Plan To Embellish For Obvious Dramatic Reasons In My Own Forthcoming Memoir (from the archives)
From The Smoking Gun website, on evidence that James Frey, author of "A Million Little Pieces," invented much of his life story:
But during these interviews, Frey did, for the first time, admit that he had embellished central details of his criminal career and purported incarceration for "obvious dramatic reasons" in the nonfiction work.
-- An argument with my roommate over dish duty will become a heroin-fueled knife fight in some dimly lit, garbage-strewn back alley.
-- That parking ticket will now be two years in "the hole."
-- Instead of mostly ignoring me, the girl I liked in high school will be eaten by a shark while I look on in dumbstruck horror.
-- My fondness for hot tea will turn into a nasty coke habit.
-- Rather than breaking my finger while trying to squash a cricket with my shoe, I will have my arm blown off by, say, a missile.
-- Instead of following the normal rules of capitalization, I will randomly capitalize common Nouns in order to seem Artsy and Profound even though it's actually just an annoying Tic.
Posted by teb at 10:46 PM | Email this entry
August 16, 2007
PROS AND CONS: Old Testament God (from the archives)
Pros:
-- Created world and all that's in it
-- Takes no guff
-- Not boring
Cons:
-- Mean
-- Plays favorites
-- Smitey
Posted by teb at 08:12 AM | Email this entry
August 15, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Dasani (from the archives)
Dear Dasani,
First of all, let me say how much I love your water. Clean, pure, refreshing -- Dasani is the opposite of gross. Very good!
I was wondering, though, what the word "Dasani" means. My cousin said it's Latin for "tap water" but I think he’s lying. Besides, he’s not even my real cousin!
Thanks in advance!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Bartlett. We are always thrilled to hear from our loyal consumers and are glad that you took the time to share your comments about DASANI.
As a consumer-oriented Company, feedback from our consumers is extremely important to us.
People are having a lot of fun guessing the origin of the name DASANI. One Coca-Cola executive jokingly said it sounded like a "Roman god of water." Actually, the name DASANI is an original creation. Consumer testing showed that the name is relaxing and suggests pureness and replenishment.
Again, we appreciate your loyalty and patronage. If you have additional questions or comments, please feel free to contact us again. Best wishes!
Jennifer
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company
Posted by teb at 08:58 AM | Email this entry
August 14, 2007
More actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic) (from the archives)
Today was a unravvel day at the beginning of the day everything was wrong for instance my handwriting book was lost. my math wasn't signed. and ...........
Today was bad I went home early it was a nightmare i'm not exzagerating
Today was terrible had reading homework and math homework. We got a new student named Vito. I rode my bike as usual. We had two firedrills
Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas
I won an award in library for putting books in order!
got my name on the board. Got my folder for forgetting my box so I made a mistake it's only human. Mrs. Goldstein calls it interrupting her class
Posted by teb at 12:19 PM | Email this entry
August 13, 2007
Potential problems that may be encountered while writing with a baby in one's lap (from the archives)
-- Large, bald head obscures screen
-- Baby may bang keyboard thereby withsdflwprgwirgongR
-- The tone of your writing might be infected by sickeningly precious babyspeak. Oh yes it might.
-- Baby's strong desire to hold thumbs significantly hampers typing
-- Sudden cry of distress may force you to abandon writing before your work is
Posted by teb at 08:25 AM | Email this entry
August 10, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led tired, huddled people to this gentle, carbon neutral blog
-- "travelsmith go anywhere pants"
Unlike pants with geographical restrictions.
-- "what size shoe does billy idol wear"
8½ or 9, depending on the manufacturer.
-- "coffee slogans"
-- "nicole kidman nearsighted"
So that's why Cruise left her.
-- "israel-palestine rift what?"
This accurately summarizes U.S. foreign policy.
-- "watch movies marriage ceremonies couch iran"
Sounds like a nice weekend.
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry
August 09, 2007
Three brief book reviews
-- Birthday Monsters! by Sandra Boynton
My only quibble with Boynton here is that her caps lock seems to be stuck (yes -- the monsters are shouting. Let's not overdo it, though). Birthday Monsters! doesn't quite measure up to the charming brilliance of her masterpiece, Barnyard Dance!, but that, of course, is an impossibly high standard.
-- How Do Dinosaurs Count to Ten? by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague
The pressing question posed by the title is answered in the first few pages. I won't spoil it for you. Okay, maybe I will: dinosaurs count to ten by making use of common objects, such as balloons and socks. As with the other books in this series, the friendly dinosaurs co-exist with helpful humans, all of whom appear oblivious to the shockingly anachronistic nature of their banal interactions. This is fine for the first ten or so readings, but eventually grates.
-- Clifford's Opposites by Norman Bridwell
Binary oppositions are the order of the day in Norman Bridwell's mind-numbingly awful book. Clifford is last, his friend is first. Clifford is small, his friend is big. The narrative -- really nothing more than an illustrated list -- ends with the word "Opposites!" in case we didn't get it. Hey, I've got one for you: Some books are good, this one is not.
Posted by teb at 09:37 AM | Email this entry
August 08, 2007
Even more lines that I've excised from my forthcoming novel
He carefully placed the delicate, golden crown on the mouse's tiny, furry head.
Carl knew they had to pedal faster if they were going to make it to Pittsburgh in time for snacks.
Her fingers were like fish sticks, kind of.
Elvis, sassafras, tongs -- yes, things were starting to add up.
"Gentlemen," he bellowed, "let's make toast!"
Posted by teb at 08:52 AM | Email this entry
August 07, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the New York Times:
The White House maintained Monday that the surveillance measure signed into law by President Bush over the weekend did not give the government any sweeping new powers to eavesdrop on Americans without court warrants.
Because, yeah, it's nothing they weren't doing already ...
-- From the Seattle Post Intelligencer:
Western governors blame cheatgrass for 2007 wildfire woes
Oh sure. Everyone always blames cheatgrass.
-- From the AP:
Any food packaged by McDonald's tastes better to most preschoolers, says a study that powerfully demonstrates how advertising can trick the taste buds of young children.
Mmm ... McBroccoli ...
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
August 06, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Attempt to order pizza online. Learn that the Internet does NOT make everything easier.
Read this memoir by Jancee Dunn. Worth it for the rant about beach houses alone.
Loaf
Empty and refill much-neglected catbox. Apologize to cats.
Remove shirt. Stand in front of AC unit.
Admire fancy new stove. Wonder why we put up with crappy old stove for so long.
Futz
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
August 03, 2007
PROS and CONS: Morning
PROS:
-- Breakfast
-- Coffee
-- Start of new day
CONS:
-- Too early
-- Too bright
--- A "u" away from grief
Posted by teb at 08:25 AM | Email this entry
August 02, 2007
Dreams I've Had Recently And What I'm Pretty Sure They Mean
--I'm buying balsa wood from some bearded hippie. I am sorting through his bins, looking for cheaper pieces, and he keeps telling me to buy "the assortment package" for $11. This strikes me as overpriced. So I continue to look through the scraps saying "No, dude, I'll find what I need."
Meaning: Hippies will rip you off, man.
-- I'm in a meeting with the principal of my junior high school. But he's not my real junior high principal (a Civil War buff with a handlebar mustache) but rather Mr. Belding from the series "Saved by the Bell."
Meaning: TV broke my brain.
-- I'm in a hotel room in Las Vegas (at least I think it's Las Vegas). It's actually more than a hotel room: it's a fancy suite with an entryway, an enormous bathroom, a sitting area, and a huge bed with pillars and a canopy. I'm just sort of walking around in the room, jumping on the bed, trying out the jacuzzi. This goes on for a while.
Meaning: My dreams suck.
Posted by teb at 09:52 AM | Email this entry
August 01, 2007
OFF LEASH: On silver linings
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
The addition of a small, grabby human to the household has been a source of not-insignificant annoyance in recent months. He will, for example, crawl over to me while I am sleeping and begin slapping on my back with both hands as if I am a cheap bongo and he is the travel-sized reincarnation of John Bonham.
Recently, however, this Puller of Ears and Disturber of Naps has taken to dropping little bits of food on the floor. Some cheese, say, or a couple of Cheerios. Sometimes this is unintentional. Other times he appears to do it in order to amuse himself. Regardless of his motivation, this has provided me with numerous unexpected snacking opportunities -- what one might call "manna from highchair."
I suppose the takeaway here is that one must learn to take the bad with the good, the tail grabbing with the morsel tossing. I just hope they start giving the little man steak.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry