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September 28, 2007
PROS and CONS: George
PROS:
-- Plimpton
-- Bernard Shaw
-- Curious
CONS:
-- King
-- of the Jungle
-- W.
Posted by teb at 09:11 AM | Email this entry
September 27, 2007
My pre-caffeine list of ideas for today's entry
"Zipper" is a funny word. Zipper.
I thanked the garbage man yesterday. Was that weird? I mean, he wasn't doing me a favor or anything.
Paper towels are neither paper nor towels.
Something about ... wait ...
I like blueberries. I really do.
I think I hear the cat vomiting. That may be my least favorite sound.
Ahmadinejerk
Posted by teb at 10:24 AM | Email this entry
September 26, 2007
This Is A True Story
I am in bed, nearly asleep, when I hear music. Quiet, beautiful music -- gentle violins, the hint of a piccolo. I assume it's in my head, that somehow my brain has decided to add background music. Perhaps the last few years of near-constant iPod usage has permanently burned a soundtrack into my psyche. But no. The music is too sophisticated, too good, to be coming from me. I get out of bed and begin wandering from room to room, searching for the source. It seems like it's coming from underneath one of the chairs in the living room. I get down and peek under the fabric curtain that hangs from the bottom edge of the chair: nope.
When I walk into the kitchen, the music becomes louder. I spot a portable radio on the table. Turns out you can set it to come on at a certain time. Then I remember that earlier that day the baby was playing with the buttons. I click it off.
It is baby's first practical joke. The first, I'm sure, of many.
Posted by teb at 09:53 AM | Email this entry
September 25, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From AME Info:
Microsoft announces availability of 'Halo 3' in Middle East
Just what they need over there -- more target practice.
-- From Bloomberg:
Fukuda Voted Prime Minister by Japan's Legislature
Fukuda too.
-- From the Boston Globe:
Marcel Marceau, face of mime to millions, dies at 84
...
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | Email this entry
September 24, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
While standing in line at bank, wonder why they hand out candy. Dude, forget the lollipop, just be careful with my money.
Accidentally drop cat onto dog, sparking mutual outrage.
Carefully measure kitchen in anticipation of contractor visit (okay, fine, Kellie did the measuring while I helpfully watched TV).
Max and relax. At the same time.
Find half-chewed grape on baby's high chair. Eat it.
Posted by teb at 10:32 AM | Email this entry
September 21, 2007
OFF LEASH: On gates
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
The recent installation of so-called "baby gates" in the house has led to an unhappy consequence, namely the restriction of my room-to-room movement. Where previously I could, for example, go from the living room to the den, look around, then return to the living room and then, after several minutes, go back to the den, now I cannot. I must pick one or the other.
This constraint may strike some as trivial. What's so great about the den? Why not just stay in the living room? But as soon as one accepts such seemingly inconsequential impingements on one's ability to egress at will, suddenly more oppressive measures appear less unreasonable. Next thing you know you're spending your nights in the laundry room. The slope has been greased.
Which is why I poke my nose through the bars, look up with my big watery eyes, and make a sound that could not fail to arouse pity in even the most hardened of hearts. Works every time.
Posted by teb at 10:50 AM | Email this entry
September 20, 2007
What I learned from the "Art & Artifact" autumn 2007 catalog
-- "Volumes of books furnishing a room have always been associated with knowledge"
That's why I keep books around. Or, rather, "volumes of books."
-- "Old pine wood boxes have been beautifully restored and can be anything you want them to be."
Hey, look at my old pine wood iPhone.
-- The Eiffel Tower Clock, which takes one AA battery (not included), is "every bit as breathtaking as its namesake."
Cancel that trip to Paris.
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
September 19, 2007
How To Make Tea
1. First, boil some water.
2. Pour that (boiling) water into a teapot or, if you prefer, directly into a cup.
3. I should have mentioned that you can boil water on the stove or in the microwave. Or, I guess, over a fire you make by placing scraps of wood in a metal trash can (warning: do not use a plastic trash can).
4. Place the bag in the water.
5. I meant "tea bag," obviously. Not just any old bag. The bag should have tea in it. Probably goes without saying, but best to be clear.
6. Wait. While you're waiting, you can read a magazine, stare out the window, or talk to a loved one/acquaintance. Perhaps you could listen to some music, make a telephone call, or pay your bills. This list is by no means exhaustive.
7. Now your tea is ready. Pour the tea into a cup or, if it's already in a cup, pour it into a different cup.
8. Add sugar and milk unless you're all "just give it to me straight, man!" in which case what, exactly, are you trying to prove?
9. Enjoy.
10. Repeat.
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
September 18, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the Associated Press:
State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.
God did not respond to prayers for comment Monday.
-- From the New York Times:
The ministry has said that it would prosecute the participants in the shooting, but a law issued by the American occupation authority prior to the return of sovereignty to Iraq in 2004 grants immunity to American contractors, along with American military personnel, from Iraqi prosecution.
By "sovereignty" we mean "you're in control except when we say you're not."
-- From the Associated Press:
The New York Times said Monday it is scrapping a two-year-old program to charge fees for access to parts of its Web site, including op-ed columnists and archives dating back to 1987.
Friedman at last! Friedman at last! Thank god almighty, it's Friedman at last ...
Posted by teb at 10:20 AM | Email this entry
September 17, 2007
Rhyme suggestions for that R&B slow jam you're no doubt working on
Together/Forever
Tonight/So right
Love/Thereof
Girl/Squirrel
Heart/Descartes
Lips/Chips
Sweet/Excrete
You/Yew
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
September 14, 2007
OFF LEASH: On indecision (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
There is nothing more miserable, William James once said, than indecision. Bertrand Russell deemed indecision the height of exhaustion and futility.
I think Billy and Bertie were right on. And yet there are times in life when one is pulled firmly in opposing directions -- for instance, when it is raining and I have to pee. I hate and fear the rain, yet I have to pee. What do I do?
I was presented with just such a dilemma this morning. The first two times the door was opened, I declined to go in the yard -- even though I really, really wanted to. The third time, however, I forced myself to trot out, quickly do my business, and return. My need to pee trumped my fear of rain.
Afterwards, I shook myself dry and resumed my cowering.
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | Email this entry
September 13, 2007
Actual call I received this morning
[Caller ID says "Raytheon Missile"]
Me: Hello.
Caller: I'm checking on an order.
Me: I'm pretty sure I didn't order a missile.
Caller: It's for a seal.
Me: A seal for a missile? I don't think I ordered one of those either.
Caller: We've got it sitting in our loading bay. Do you want me to give you a part number?
Me: Not really.
Caller: Let me give you a PO number.
Me: Um, you can if you want. I don't think it's going to help.
Caller: Is this [hard to understand] corporation?
Me: Not so much.
Caller: Is this 301-937 ...
Me: 927.
Caller: Oh. Wrong number.
Me: Yeah. I'd probably remember ordering missile parts. So you guys really sell missiles, huh?
Caller: Sorry about that. Thank you.
Posted by teb at 11:57 AM | Email this entry
September 12, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the Indianapolis Star:
Study: Only a third of ADHD kids get needed medication
I started reading this article, but got distracted.
-- From The Detroit News:
Concurrent holy days unite Jews and Muslims
Phew. Glad that whole thing's over.
-- White House adviser Frances Fragos Townsend on Osama Bin Laden, via NPR:
"This is a man on the run, from a cave, who is virtually impotent other than these tapes."
So all he can do is communicate freely with his followers worldwide? No worries then.
Posted by teb at 10:34 AM | Email this entry
September 11, 2007
Elusive Mosquito: A Eulogy
Bzzt
I hear you
Bzzt
There you are again
I search in vain
While you search for vein
You alight on my arm
With intent to cause harm
Thwack!
Yuck.
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
September 10, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Get the "head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes" song stuck in head.
Hose down old cat boxes. Reconsider long-held affection toward cats.
Discover that "1" no longer works on cell phone. This turns out to be a problem.
Wonder "Did I shower yesterday?" Subject self to sniff test. Fail.
Steal baby's graham crackers. Mmmm.
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry
September 07, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led wet, bedraggled people to this sweet, juicy blog
-- "Bad conversation starters"
So ... do you like food?
-- "olay for man"
Nothing wrong with that.
-- "applebees pro con"
Con.
-- "can deerhounds be walked off lead"
Yes.
-- "sandwich hand shakes"
Also known as "ham shakes"
-- "search"
You just blew my mind.
Posted by teb at 10:21 AM | Email this entry
September 06, 2007
My (actual, no kidding) brushes with fame
-- Same dentist as Tucker Carlson
-- Recently declined to appear on "The Montel Williams Show"
-- Appeared, for literally seven seconds, on "Nightline" a while back
-- Know someone who once made-out with James Van Der Beek in a cab
-- Saw Chris Rock in an airport (shorter than me)
-- Saw Michael Jordan on the street (taller than me)
-- Same dermatologist as Neil Patrick Harris
Posted by teb at 09:46 AM | Email this entry
September 05, 2007
Henry Index
Number of years old Henry turned yesterday: 1
Number of teeth he has: 4
How many tiny, shuffling steps he can take before he decides that, damn it, it's just easier to crawl: 8
Odds that he will actually be ready for bed at bedtime: 1 in 2
Number of minutes he will sit in his high chair happily snacking on Cheerios and sipping water before he vehemently demands to begin his important daily business of chasing the cats, climbing on furniture, and finding items to stick in his mouth: 10 (if you're lucky)
Percentage of his fancy toys that claim to be "educational": 100
Odds that they actually are: slim
The pitifulness of the sound he makes when he pinches the tip of his finger in a drawer on a scale of one to ten, with "one" being not pitiful at all and "ten" being really, really pitiful: 11
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
September 04, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
--From the Guardian Unlimited:
Bush and 'A-team' savour rare success on the ground
-- From the Times of India:
A new study has found that smoking in enclosed spaces like the car and the bedroom, for example, could lead to harmful toxic exposures for fellow non-smoking passengers.
Bedroom passengers beware.
-- From the Washington Post:
One campaign manager noted the dwindling days, remarking, perhaps ominously, that the candidates were "turning the page on summer."
He further terrified listeners with his prediction that "leaves would start falling from trees."
Posted by teb at 07:54 AM | Email this entry
September 03, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
See famous Hope Diamond at natural history museum. Verdict: eh.
Announce plan to mow the lawn. Fail to follow through.
Brush dog. Wonder how anything can shed that much and not be bald.
Get Rick Rolled.
Lose game of hide-and-seek to not-quite-one-year-old baby.
Wear mismatched pair of Crocs to store, forever ruining "fashion forward" reputation.
Go to a tapas restaurant, which is Spanish for "not enough food."
Posted by teb at 10:36 AM | Email this entry