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October 31, 2007
What I'm dressed as for Halloween this year
-- Rejected Model for Gap Ad
-- "Before" Photo For Barber
-- Slovenly Accountant
-- Guy Who Dresses in the Dark
-- Goatee Boy
Posted by teb at 10:51 AM | Email this entry
October 29, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Hide phone to keep it away from baby then forget where you’ve hidden it.
Lose glasses. Spend solid half-hour looking for them.
Wonder if there’s such a thing as really-early-onset Alzheimer’s.
Get checkmated twice by “Hans” the computer opponent on Chessmaster. Notice how his little icon seems to smirk when he wins.
Ruminate
Drive to Target to purchase fan. Be told they are “seasonal” and therefore unavailable. Employee suggests Home Depot.
Drive to Home Depot to purchase fan. Be told they are “seasonal” and therefore unavailable. Employee suggests Target.
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
October 26, 2007
My pre-caffeine list of ideas for today's entry
--
--
-- Oh, I know, what if ... wait.
-- What's the deal with mini-bagels?
-- Something something.
-- Sleet is the least-fun form of precipitation.
-- I'm a James Taylor fan. I'm not afraid to admit that.
-- Okay, maybe I'm a little afraid.
-- Jello. Hello. Mellow.
-- If this cost anything, you'd be getting a refund.
Posted by teb at 11:26 AM | Email this entry
October 25, 2007
PROS and CONS: Cats
PROS:
-- Furry
-- Pettable
-- Easy to throw
CONS:
-- Scratchy
-- Sheddy
-- Sleep on your face
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
October 24, 2007
What I learned from the Home Decorators Collection Winter 2007 catalog
-- "These unique pieces resemble stacks of suitcases ..."
From our exclusive "stuff that looks like other stuff" collection
-- "Thirteen fashion colors and two levels of quality."
Yeah, is that available in crappy?
-- "This Arts and Crafts-inspired group is available at prices much less than you'd expect to pay ...."
You'd be surprised at how little I expect to pay.
-- "Many designs have hand-knotted fringe."
Tied by our team of experienced Chinese children.
-- "This whimsical bathroom buddy is crafted of molded resin that is carefully hand painted."
I don't think I want a bathroom buddy -- whimsical or otherwise.
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
October 23, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the LA Times:
Standing with a group of veterans in the Roosevelt Room of the White House, Bush appeared to invite the new showdown. "I know some in Congress are against the war," he said.
Dude, it's pretty much everyone but you at this point.
-- From the Associated Press:
... an alarming new study finds that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is increasing faster than expected.
Do hold your breath.
-- From the Fort Smith Times Record:
Area Man Watching Congressional Action Closely
Area Man very, very bored.
Posted by teb at 10:38 AM | Email this entry
October 22, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Make car trip with one-year-old who definitely does NOT like being strapped into a car seat for four hours.
Visit swanky neighborhood of million-dollar homes. Suddenly own neighborhood feels like glorified trailer park.
Use GPS to get un-lost. Thank you, satellite technology!
Purchase Wolfgang Puck packaged sandwich at rest stop. Just as soggy and awful as non-gourmet packaged sandwiches, but much, much more expensive.
Have conversation with stranger about stroller brands. Lose remaining hipster cred.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
October 19, 2007
OFF LEASH: On water (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Stolen waters are sweet, the Bible tells us, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.
Now, I have no particular fondness for bread no matter where it’s consumed. But I do prefer “stolen” water, i.e., water that is somewhere other than in my bowl. In the gutter, for instance, or in a garbage can's upturned lid. Why is this? After all, my bowl is filled with cold, filtered water while the water outside is tepid, stagnant and swimming with disease.
Perhaps it's the allure of the forbidden, as the verse implies, or the simple pleasure of the unexpected. I don't know. But if the vigorous yanking on my leash is any indication, my predilection for dirty water is neither appreciated nor condoned. Not that this does much to stop me -- I'm just noting it for the record.
Posted by teb at 09:12 AM | Email this entry
October 18, 2007
Excuses for failing to get my vehicle's emissions checked on time, resulting in late fees and threatening letters
-- I've been, you know, busy with ... stuff.
-- I enjoy the excitement of waiting until the day before my vehicle's registration is suspended
-- I can't read
-- I have been diagnosed as "clinically lazy."
-- I have extra money that I would like to donate to the state
-- Too hard
-- Drunk
Posted by teb at 11:59 AM | Email this entry
October 17, 2007
How to get dressed in the morning
1. Wake up
2. Go back to sleep
3. Wake up again, kind of. Lie there for a couple of minutes, eyes half-closed, mouth half-open.
4. Get up.
5. Feel around in closet for pants. Don't turn light on because that could awaken Offspring. If Offspring awakens, he will be upset, which will awaken Spouse.
6. When pants have been acquired, feel around for a shirt. Is that the blue one? The black one? It's hard to tell.
7. Once in the hallway, realize you've grabbed the green shirt, which you hate. Consider going back into bedroom. Stand there for a minute, weighing the possible fallout (waking everyone up) against the alternative (wearing a hated shirt you really should just give away).
8. Decide you don't care about the shirt. It's fine.
9. Look down at your sockless feet.
10. Curse softly.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
October 16, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the NY Daily News:
It was double-barreled bad news for O.J. Simpson yesterday as two members of his alleged armed robbery posse struck deals with prosecutors to testify against him.
If his buddies talk, he must not walk. Or something like that.
-- From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
In her quest to reinvent her image, [Paris] Hilton's first stop is Rwanda. Accompanied by a children's charity called Playing for Good, she will visit schools and health care clinics as part of a five-day charity mission.
Haven't those poor people suffered enough?
From MSNBC:
Axe falls on 20% of AOL workers
You've got fail.
Posted by teb at 10:59 AM | Email this entry
October 15, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Walk dog to organic, vegetarian co-op. Purchase granola. Hippification is now complete.
Battle sudden fruit-fly infestation by swatting and cursing.
Defeat Chessmaster 3000 by tricking computer with bishop ploy. Experience nerd delight.
Repose
Send polite but annoyed e-mail to publication that hasn't paid me for article that ran more than two freaking months ago.
Quietly hum theme song from "A-team" for no reason.
Help Henry place paintbrushes in teapot. Help Henry remove paintbrushes from teapot. Help Henry place paintbrushes in teapot. Help Henry ....
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
October 12, 2007
Three short domestic scenes
1.
Husband: We're out of juice.
Wife: That's very sad for you.
Husband: It is. Pity me.
Wife: You are pitiful.
2.
Wife: Thank you for taking out the recycling.
Husband: Not a problem. You know, I am pretty great.
Wife: I wouldn't go that far.
3.
Wife: The cat threw up blood.
Husband: Gross. Really?
Wife: Yeah ...
[They both stare intently at red-colored mass]
Husband: That's strawberry.
Wife: Oh. So it is.
Posted by teb at 07:50 AM | Email this entry
October 11, 2007
I will now translate the text of a house flier I picked up yesterday
"charming classic" = old
"old style garage" = old
"just blocks to the arts district" = a good, long walk from two junk shops
"nice sized bedrooms" = tiny bedrooms
"original wooden doors" = nothing has been updated
"lush, landscaped" = overgrown
"perched on a hill" = well, at least it won't flood.
"new sump pump" = I take that back
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry
October 10, 2007
Things that occur to me while reading "The Mother Goose Board Book" to Henry for the umpteenth time
So ... let me get this straight: There is a man in the moon? Like, inside it? And he monitors bed times for children? What?
Peter the pumpkin-eater is a misogynist.
Well, obviously the horses wouldn't be able to help reassemble Humpty Dumpty.
Mary should get a restraining order against that lamb.
If the dish and the spoon were to have offspring, what would they be? Coasters?
No one likes the pease porridge nine days old. No one.
Posted by teb at 10:26 AM | Email this entry
October 09, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the WSJ:
What's really at issue here is whether U.S. officials are going to have even the most basic tools to interrogate America's enemies.
Basic tools such as hammers, drills, saws ...
-- From the BBC:
Stun guns 'safe', study suggests
Fine, go ahead and tase me, bro
-- From Bizjournals:
Miller Brewing to combine with Coors
Finally, a beer that's both watered-down and bitter.
Posted by teb at 12:14 PM | Email this entry
October 08, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Take Amtrak to Manhattan.
See man on street corner who is talking on his cell phone and looking at a piece of paper. Also, he has two giant snakes around his neck.
Watch some dude dressed as Batman dancing to a blues band on Broadway.
Pay $15 for a sandwich.
Be disturbed by number of billboards featuring Anderson Cooper's overly groomed mug.
See cab driver give bellhop the finger.
Blink grit from eyes. New York: it's still dirty.
Posted by teb at 10:21 AM | Email this entry
October 05, 2007
MT Index
Number of phones we have in the house: 4
Number I can find when the damn thing is ringing: 0
Number of times I’ve watched Jon Stewart eviscerate Chris Matthews in this interview: 17
Number of times I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it: 17
Number of milligrams of potassium in a serving of Cheerios: 170
Number of Cheerios boxes that happen to be next to the computer: 1
How random it is that I’m including that information in order to pad out this index, with “1” being not that random and “10” being pretty random: 8
Number of additional items I can think of to list: 0
Posted by teb at 09:38 AM | Email this entry
October 04, 2007
OFF LEASH: On books
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
So now I read that the Pope's cat, Chico, has written a book. This is not the first time that a book has been written from a celebrity pet’s point of view. Barbara Bush’s dog Millie pawed out a tome, as did Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, among others.
Seriously, is there anything more saccharine, more sickeningly precious, more flat-out nauseating than someone writing from the point of view of his or her pet? Yeah, we get it, you really love your dog/cat/whatever. And you think it’s SO FUNNY to pretend like a non-verbal animal has literary skill. All your commonplace observations and descriptions of the banal are suddenly infused with comic potential.
Yes, yes. Ha ha.
Also: where's my book deal already?
Posted by teb at 12:54 PM | Email this entry
October 03, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led honest, hard-working people to this smooth, low-salt blog
-- "little cute verses from the bible"
Then Jesus placed the kittens in a basket.
-- "flight attendant postmodernism"
-- "i want to see markie post nude"
At least you're honest.
-- "meaning of dream of huge Jacuzzi"
Your current jacuzzi is too small.
-- "cons against child leashes"
None.
-- "brit hume"
-- "ikea opening hours Minnesota"
They never close! Just knock real hard ...
-- "sarcastic dialogues"
First guy: Great Google search, man.
Second guy: Yeah. Good job with that.
Posted by teb at 12:17 PM | Email this entry
October 02, 2007
Morning papers, reviewed
-- From the Houston Chronicle:
Chertoff says sites for border fence still undecided
Canada or Mexico -- it's a toss-up.
-- From Reuters:
Most Americans oppose fully funding President George W. Bush's $190 billion request to fight the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan while a majority supports expanding a children's health care program he has threatened to veto ...
Meanwhile a minority of Americans apparently love war, hate sick kids.
-- From the LA Times:
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Democratic front-runner in the polls, reclaimed her lead in the money race, announcing today that she had surpassed her nearest rival by $7 million in the third quarter.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha
Posted by teb at 04:30 PM | Email this entry
October 01, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Into the Wild. Make mental note to always carry extra granola bar.
Attempt to give baby food he doesn’t want. Have that food thrown back in my face.
Be annoyed at length of hair, yet apparently not annoyed enough to get it cut.
Have “I ran, I ran so far away” stuck in head.
Visit crap fair. Sorry, I meant "craft."
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry