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November 30, 2007
Another insightful philosophical reflection
I was recently on an airplane. Rather than read my book, I took a minute to examine the safety card in the seatback pocket in front of me, as they say. It featured illustrations of people putting on oxygen masks, shooshing down inflatable slides, and -- in one case -- of a woman floating on an endless sea, her seat cushion clutched tight to her chest.
I stared at the floating woman for a long time. Her face betrayed no alarm. She wasn't happy, exactly, but she wasn't upset either. This even though she had barely escaped death in an air disaster and now faced the many dangers (sharks, hypothermia, drowning) of the ocean. She seemed fine with it. Perfectly Zen.
And it made me think how ridiculous it is when I get upset over trivial annoyances, like the pretzel bags being so hard to open. I could learn a lot from the illustration of that woman on the safety card.
Still, I hate those stupid little bags.
Posted by teb at 12:46 PM | Email this entry
November 29, 2007
News News News
-- From the Detroit News:
Short of a full-scale Beatles reunion, it's hard to imagine a hotter ticket than Hannah Montana.
Um, it's also hard to imagine a full-scale Beatles reunion.
-- From Variety:
Ron Shelton has been set by HBO Films to direct a pic about San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds that will air on HBO.
I'm sure it will be a great* movie.
-- From the Associated Press:
A truck driver pulled his 9-year-old son out of elementary school to help the father try to finagle his way through a drug test, police said.
See, children aren't totally useless.
Posted by teb at 10:17 AM | Email this entry
November 27, 2007
What I've learned from reading "Babybug," a monthly publication for babies
-- Dressed-up mice enjoy grapes.
-- Cats sell baked goods to birds.
-- Frogs require swim trunks.
-- "Neary" is a word.
-- Kittens should not be trusted with mittens.
Posted by teb at 05:51 PM | Email this entry
November 26, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Eat at Asian fusion restaurant, which is code for "Chinese food for people who don't like Chinese food."
Lollygag
Return throat spray with broken nozzle to store. Get replacement. Somehow lose second throat spray bottle on way home.
Battle teeming, bargain-hungry hordes at mall on day after Thanksgiving. After hour or so, admit defeat.
Dawdle
Watch reality show titled "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." Despair for culture/humanity ... but enjoy it anyway.
Posted by teb at 01:02 PM | Email this entry
November 23, 2007
OFF LEASH: On ethics (from the archives)
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Daily life is replete with ethical quandaries. These are not the well-worn examples trotted out in philosophy classes involving, say, two men clinging to a raft that can only support one of them. No, these are more trivial and yet also more relevant.
For instance, sometimes I am served two dinners. Perhaps there has been some miscommunication between the people who feed me. Or perhaps it has been decided that, on a given day, for reasons unknown yet potentially valid, I am deserving of a second dinner. There is no way to be sure.
How, then, should I respond? I could refuse to eat the second dinner, of course. But my refusal might be interpreted as ingratitude -- and that's the last thing I'd want. Also, I tend to err on the side of eating.
Posted by teb at 12:46 PM | Email this entry
November 22, 2007
PROS and CONS: Turkey
PROS:
-- Warm
-- Tender
-- L-tryptophane
CONS:
-- Stringy
-- Birdy
-- Gets stuck in your teeth
Posted by teb at 08:21 AM | Email this entry
November 21, 2007
News News News
-- Vladimir Putin, quoted in Forbes:
"They want to go out into the streets, they've learnt from Western specialists. They've trained in neighbouring republics. Now they want to cause provocations," he added.
And by "provocations" he means "democracy."
-- From the Sydney Morning Herald:
Bush misled me, says former aide
Join the club.
-- From Fox News:
Lack of Sleep Linked to Weight Gain For New Moms, Study Says
Yeah, new moms, just get some sleep! What's wrong with you?
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry
November 20, 2007
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Saran Wrap
Dear Saran Wrap,
First of all, let me say how much I enjoy your product. From meats to fruits, popovers to leftovers, Saran Wrap does the job. It stretches to seal!
I have a story. One time, I couldn't find a top to a Tupperware container, so I used Saran Wrap instead. Unfortunately I forgot about the container and, when I came across it a few weeks later, the food was completely spoiled. Green pasta – blech!
Anyway. Wrap on!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Tom,
How thoughtful of you to tell us how much you like SARAN™ Premium. I'm happy to hear you find so many great uses for our product. It's delightful to receive such wonderful feedback and we will happily share your comments with the appropriate people in our company.
To thank you for getting in touch with us, we're sending you a complimentary coupon for a SARAN™ product of your choice. We hope you like whatever you choose!
Regards,
Laura
Consumer Relationship Center
SC Johnson, A Family Company
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
November 19, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Try to un-catch cold.
Consume enough zinc to start a mine.
Sweep porch/kitchen/hallway. Wish pets were hairless.
Feel guilty about canceling newspaper subscription. Do it anyway.
Eat entire container of blueberries. Turn into Violet Beauregarde.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
November 16, 2007
What I learned from the Holiday 2007 Plow & Hearth catalog
-- "If you're a retiree, vacationer or one of those lucky people who don't have hourly appointments to keep, the Day Clock is for you."
All the expense of a clock, minus the accuracy.
-- "Tucked inside each glycerin soap is a real snow globe."
Wash yourself with tchotchkes!
-- "Stash this compact, leather-covered travel alarm and reading magnifier anywhere – it takes up less space than a ping pong ball!"
Finally, I can ditch that ping pong ball I've been carrying around.
-- "Saint Francis of Assisi, patron of the environment and animals, offers seed to the birds in your yard."
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry
November 15, 2007
Yet more lines that I've excised from my forthcoming novel
As the light faded from the horizon, the robot cowboys sang together in eerily perfect harmony.
"Granola," she mused.
The road was long and twisty, like the handlebar mustache of former Oakland A's relief pitcher Rollie Fingers.
The alarm sounded and Philip emerged from beneath the bed, clad only in a headband, a single red sock, and clutching a dog-earred Bible to his chest.
"Senators," he hollered, "let's dance!"
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
November 14, 2007
Some personal slogans our cat, Huxley, may be considering
“Technically Obese, But Totally Fine With It”
“No One Hates The Dog More”
“I’d Rather Be Sleeping Right Now”
“Who Are You Looking At, Punk?”
“Ignoring Pretty Much Everyone Since 1999”
Posted by teb at 12:20 PM | Email this entry
November 13, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the Wall Street Journal:
Why FCC Head Aims to Broaden
Hat too small?
-- From the New York Daily News:
Pope Benedict to tour Ground Zero, Yank stadium in April
He then plans to buy one of those extra-big pretzels and get his picture taken with that naked cowboy guy.
-- From the LA Times:
The brains of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder develop more slowly than those of other children but eventually catch up, according to a government study published Monday that suggests ADHD may be a transient condition, at least for some.
I hope I catch up soon ...
Posted by teb at 09:26 AM | Email this entry
November 12, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Order "crispy chicken snacker" at KFC. Regret it almost immediately.
Inform telemarketer that "Sorry, I am not the decision-maker in my household."
Randomly come across this Jesus and Mary Chain video. Consider changing own hairstyle.
Listen to "Meet The Press" podcast with Barack Obama. Wish he was just a little bit better.
Run for first time in weeks. Suck wind.
Chase Henry around department store. Suck wind.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
November 09, 2007
PROS and CONS: Recycling
PROS:
-- Reduces waste
-- Fewer landfills
-- Helps save the earth
CONS:
-- Dragging heavy yellow buckets to curb at midnight
-- Dragging heavy yellow buckets to curb at midnight
-- Dragging heavy yellow buckets to curb at midnight
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
November 08, 2007
How to toast a bagel
1. Procure bagel.
2. Look up word "procure" to make sure that you've spelled it correctly.
3. You have.
4. Remove knife from wooden block. No, that's the big one – use the little one. There you go.
5. Hold bagel in left hand. Use the knife to slice the bagel in half lengthwise. Note: Knives are sharp and fingers are useful.
6. Attempt to place the two halves in the toaster. Discover that they are too thick.
7. Smush bagel halves together and try again.
8. Wait. This time can be used for activities such as worrying about money.
9. Ding! That sound indicates that your bagel is ready to eat. Remove bagel from toaster and slather in cream cheese. If cream cheese is not available, use butter. If butter is not available, you're screwed.
10. Enjoy.
Posted by teb at 11:00 AM | Email this entry
November 07, 2007
No, I'm not a "daddy blogger" -- at least not totally
Things Henry Likes
-- Shoes
-- Running water
-- The book What's Wrong, Little Pookie?
Things Henry Dislikes
-- The sound of the oven timer
-- The sound of the vacuum cleaner
-- The book Each Peach Pear Plum
Things To Which Henry Is Utterly Indifferent
-- Money
-- Politics
-- Books that only have words in them
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
November 06, 2007
The morning papers, reviewed
-- From the New York Times:
The personal computer is climbing off its desktop perch and hopping into the pockets of millions of people.
Intel: It's in your pants.
-- From USA Today:
Queen Elizabeth II outlines agenda for next year
Polish crown. Ride around in fancy carriage. Wave more.
-- From the Telegraph:
Even Fred Thompson doesn’t think he will become president.
Done done.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
November 05, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go to Apple store. Feel like signing over paycheck to Steve Jobs.
Go to World Market, Toys "R" Us, Giant, Target. Remember that money is required for so-called necessities.
Continue work on never-ending bookshelf project. Manage yet again to avoid harming self with power tools.
Have brunch at nearby coffee shop with semi-surly employees. Receive dirty look when asking for a spoon.
Hear woman on sidewalk remark "Hello there handsome!" Realize, somewhat disappointedly, that she's referring to the baby.
Posted by teb at 09:38 AM | Email this entry
November 02, 2007
This Is A True Story
So I was washing dishes. I usually start with the silverware, then the bowls and plates, and finally the cups and mugs. Pots and pans are left for last, on the theory that if I don't get around to finishing, Kellie will be stuck with them. Ha ha.
Anyway. One fork in particular was hard to get clean. Caked on its tines was a hardened red substance, which appeared to be dehydrated spaghetti sauce. The fork had been left in the sink for a couple of days, sandwiched between two dirty plates. Forgotten. Forlorn.
I scrubbed it first with the sponge. Nothing. Then I used the stiff-bristled brush. A slight improvement, but still yucky as hell. This was going to be a serious job, one that would involve prolonged soaking coupled with intense scraping. It was, I realized, a job I had no interest in.
I turned off the water and looked around. Kellie and Henry were both upstairs. I walked over to the trash can, stepped on the pedal that opens the lid, and dropped the fork inside.
THE END
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
November 01, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led respectable, fully dressed people to this unctuous, well-meaning blog
-- "short slogans"
Compensating with oversized egos since the dawn of time.
-- "can milk bone treats harm squirrels?"
Depends on how hard you throw them.
-- "baby crying check list"
Glad to help.
-- "astronaut helmet make or build your own"
I'd go with the store-bought.
-- "unnecessary censorships"
I can't think of any.
-- "slept with the sprint guy"
Can you feel me now?
-- "marky post naked pictures"
Dude, at least learn to spell her name.
-- "markie post breasts"
That's better.
-- "how do you eat a whole wheel of cheese?"
One bite at a time.
-- "i don't like it when we fight"
me neither, baby, come here.
Posted by teb at 11:08 AM | Email this entry