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December 31, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Purchase Sunday New York Times at grocery store. Take receipt, but totally forget paper.
Return three -- count 'em, three -- lost dogs to their owners in one day. I must smell like steak.
Tarry
Attempt to purchase gas at two different gas stations. Encounter broken pumps both times. Curse and sigh.
Find mysterious dried substance on floor. Wonder which little beast -- dog, cat, baby -- vomited.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
December 28, 2007
I will now describe the illustrations on the boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea bags (from the archives)
Cinnamon Apple Spice
A woman is picking apples and placing them in a basket. The basket, curiously, has no handle and so she has to kind of cradle it under one arm. This can't be comfortable. But she seems happy enough. I wonder why she doesn't set the basket down as she's picking. That's what I would do. Also, there is a golden retriever in the background that appears to have three tails.
Gingerbread Spice
A gingerbread man and a gingerbread lady are skating on a frozen pond. But instead of regular ice skates, guess what they're using? Candy canes! How precious is that? There is a wooden sign that says "Thin Icing" -- an indication that the seemingly carefree gingerbread couple is in serious, life-threatening peril.
Country Peach Passion
A man is kissing a woman on the cheek. The woman does what women in black-and-white movies do when kissed, i.e., she sort of kicks one leg back, bending at the knee. Do women really do that? And if so, why? And if not, why do they do it movies and in this illustration? Anybody?
Oh, and the man is leaning on an enormous, waist-high peach. The thing must weigh, like, 200 pounds. Imagine the tree that produced this peach. If this peach fell on you, you would die. Instantly. I'm serious. This is one big freaking peach.
Posted by teb at 08:24 AM | Email this entry
December 27, 2007
Excuses for why this post is sub-par (from the archives)
I stayed up all night writing an article. *
It's hard for me to think straight at the moment and, also, my hands are bound. #
The Guatemalan man I employ to write most of my posts is taking a well-deserved holiday. ^
No one's paying me to write this crap. ~
Dwarves. They have stolen my sacks. I will find them. Oh yes, I will find them. +
* true statement
# partially true statement
^ outright lie
~ mild swearing
+ total nonsense
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
December 26, 2007
PROS and CONS: Grapes (from the archives)
PROS:
-- Edible
-- Portable
-- Sweet
CONS:
-- Bunchy
-- Peely
-- Wrathful
Posted by teb at 09:01 AM | Email this entry
December 25, 2007
Actual excerpts from a journal I kept in third grade (misspellings, lack of punctuation and capitalization all sic) (from the archives)
Today was okay I practiclly got beat up in resios by forth graders. other wise it was boaring
today was boaring. it is friday. that is all for now
today was so so. I rode my bike. I was cold.
today was great. I rode my bike.
today was boaring. I rode my bike. it rained. that is all.
Today was alright. hard but alright. in reading we had a sub. that's the "main idea" of today
resios was alright. reading was alright. math was okay. everything else went terrible.
today was a regular boaring day at school. make up math test today. when I get home I'll play basketball. well have to go now bye
Posted by teb at 11:11 AM | Email this entry
December 24, 2007
How to respond when a stranger, upon seeing your six-month-old baby, says "aww, how cute" (from the archives)
-- Well, he's had a lot of work done.
-- Sure, but he's not too bright.
-- What? Oh the baby. Yeah, I guess.
-- You change his diaper then.
-- He should be, considering what we paid for him.
Posted by teb at 09:05 AM | Email this entry
December 21, 2007
MT Index
Minimum number of cats in the house at any one time: 3
Maximum number: 4
Ideal number: 0
Number of white socks I could find this morning: 1
Number of black socks I could find this morning: 1
Henry's current weight: 22.5 pounds
How much it hurts when, without warning, he dives onto your stomach, on a scale of 1 to 10, with "1" being not that much and "10" being a whole helluva lot: 8
Number of seconds it takes to forgive him when he looks up at you all happy and smiling: 1
Posted by teb at 12:00 PM | Email this entry
December 20, 2007
This Story Doesn’t Really Go Anywhere, But It Does Have A Mostly Toothless Guy and a Burrrrrgh Sound
I don't much enjoy the holidays. Christmas does nothing for me. Likewise, Thanksgiving. Easter is about getting dressed-up and looking for stuff -- neither of which ranks high on my list.
I do, however, look forward to at least one annual event: the arrival of the leaf truck. The leaf truck, as the name I've given it suggests, sucks up leaves. It's essentially a vacuum cleaner on wheels, with a big tube coming out of the back. The guy who drives it in our neighborhood is a friendly, mostly toothless fellow who seems to like his job. Two other guys walk beside the leaf truck, directing the tube toward the leaves. It makes a wonderful burrrrrgh sound. I love it.
Earlier this week, Henry and I stood outside and watched the truck do its work. The mostly toothless driver waved at us. We waved at him. He seemed pleased to have an audience.
THE END
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
December 19, 2007
What I learned from the Jockey Holiday 2007 catalog
-- "Imagine bras that fit and feel as good as your favorite t-shirt"
I could imagine it the other way -- but I'd rather not.
-- "Equipped with a fabrication and fit perfect for your on-the-go lifestyle."
What about those of us with on-the-chair lifestyles?
-- "Enjoy a weekend state of mind – every day."
And get fired from your job.
-- "Choose buttery soft or the cotton-like breathable ease of modal."
I don't think the words "underwear" and "buttery" should go together.
-- "These tanks are the basic everyday fashion accessory that you cannot live without."
Wait, is that a threat?
Posted by teb at 11:29 AM | Email this entry
December 18, 2007
The News
-- From the Daily Mail:
"He didn't find himself a mate because he was a short man and never had money," Oksana believes.
For the record, a few of us poor, short guys do get lucky.
-- From the LA Times:
McCain tries to turn a corner in NH
Also, McCain's blinker is still on and he's going about 10 mph.
-- From Computerworld:
Almost half of US Internet users 'Google' themselves
I would never do that. (Note: The Elvis impersonator is not me, but I did talk to him once.)
Posted by teb at 10:47 AM | Email this entry
December 17, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Fail to finish year-old bookshelf project, which has gone beyond "totally absurd" to "absolutely pathetic."
Be amazed that dog is excited for her walk even when it's really, really cold outside.
Watch the best one-liner of the presidential campaign so far. Like, 50 times.
Nap for 20 minutes. Okay, fine – two hours.
Try unsuccessfully to pry phone out of baby's hands. Worry that he's taking steroids.
Posted by teb at 12:29 PM | Email this entry
December 14, 2007
How To Wash Dishes
1. Allow dishes to pile up in sink for approximately three days, or until sink is unusable, whichever comes first.
2. Use paper plates for a while.
3. At around midnight decide that, damn it, these dishes need to get done.
4. Watch several videos on YouTube.
5. Now it's 12:15. Time to get started.
6. First, locate a sponge. The one you were using before is probably buried in the enormous stack of dishes. Try to find it without tipping over the Pisa-like tower of plates. Fail.
7. Get a new sponge. Where do we keep those? I thought they were in that drawer ... but apparently not.
8. At long last locate a sponge.
9. Wet sponge. Put soap on the sponge. Wait -- are we out of soap?
10. Decide it can wait until tomorrow.
Posted by teb at 09:50 AM | Email this entry
December 13, 2007
PROS and CONS: Money
PROS:
-- Foldable
-- Rollable
-- Can buy stuff with it
CONS:
-- Mo problems
-- Root of all evil
-- Eddie
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
December 12, 2007
News News News
-- From Wired News:
The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform released a draft report Monday alleging that the Bush administration "engaged in a systematic effort to manipulate climate change science and mislead policymakers and the public about the dangers of global warming."
Yet more mendacity solid work from an utterly venal ethical administration.
-- From Reuters:
"w00t," an expression of joy coined by online gamers, was crowned word of the year on Tuesday by the publisher of a leading U.S. dictionary.
Webster's got pwned.
-- Headline from E! Online:
Alex Trebek Jeopardized by Heart Attack
I'll take "Some Journalists Are Insensitive Jerks" for $200, Alex.
Posted by teb at 10:34 AM | Email this entry
December 11, 2007
"Untitled" by Henry, age 15 months, phone on cat-food cans
Obviously it's about modernity or, rather, post-modernity. The sedimentary layers of our civilization are laid bare as the artist assumes the role of cultural archaeologist. The cans contain cat food -- but what is cat food, really, but the mushed-up bodies of other animals, the ultimate symbol of man's barbarity? The pages of our history, as we know too well, are brimming with death and with gore, yet the cans themselves are brightly colored, reminding us of the lies we tell ourselves, the clever ways we paper over our inner angst. It is simultaneously subtle and blunt, complex and brutally simple. It is a kick in the teeth followed by a kiss on the cheek.
When asked what his creation meant, what purpose it served, what message he was delivering to our corrupt society, the artist merely turned and left the room, a toy car in one hand, a sippy cup in the other.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
December 10, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Read friend's Modern Love column in the New York Times, which features the old guy who cuts my hair.
Dig half-eaten grapes out of crevice in high chair. Or at least I hope those are grapes.
Eat at Wawa, a sandwich place that lets you order on a touch screen. Think how much better life would be without human interaction.
Bow to the genius of Louis C.K.
Get pulled over by cop who explains "zero tolerance" policy for speeding. Consider telling cop about my new "zero acceptance" policy for tickets.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
December 07, 2007
What I learned from the "Last Chance" 2007 Hammacher Schlemmer catalog
-- "The Rotating Dual Disco Ball"
Now with double the disco power!
-- "The Nutcracker Suite March Porcelain Musical Egg"
Perfect for the porcelain musical egg lover on your list.
-- " ... a friend mode in which the robot tells jokes."
And an enemy mode in which the robot tries to kill us all.
-- "The Far Infrared Heated Pants"
Shoot, I forgot to plug my pants in again.
" ... earned the highest marks in Hammacher Schlemmer Institute's tests for consistency of toasting ... "
Oh please. Who tests toasters?
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
December 06, 2007
OFF LEASH: On Dogster
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
In this morning's New York Times, there is an article about Dogster, a social networking site for dogs. Most people, no doubt, will see this site as a cute diversion. "Oh look! Mr. Fluffers has his own web page! How precious!"
I, however, view it as yet another example of the mindless personification of canines. We are not people; we are dogs. If you wish to waste your time "friending" total strangers, or giving each other virtual "pokes," then that's your business. But leave us out of it.
Okay, fine. Go here if you want to leave me a virtual bone or become my "pup pal." I give up.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry
December 05, 2007
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led discreet, underemployed people to this soft, slack-jawed blog
-- "is this normal behavior for a 10 year old boy to pretend to be a cat and eat off of the floor"
I'd worry when he starts marking his territory.
-- "our pop machine has 6 different flavors of pop. it can hold a total of 156 cans of pop. how many does it hold for each flavor?
Ms. Cole? Is that you?
-- "how to get dressed in the morning"
Glad to help.
-- "why does my cat bang his head"
Because Metallica RULEZ!!!
-- "dora the explorer character impersonators in atlanta Georgia"
For the right price, I'll fly down.
-- "chords and lyrics ukulele i can t get no satisfaction"
Dude, your parties suck.
-- "i m going to gut you like a fish"
That's a cliché.
-- "i m going to gut you like a cornish game hen"
Now you're talking.
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry
December 04, 2007
News News News
-- From TMZ:
Her movie "Awake" appears to have gone to sleep at the box office, but Jessica Alba got a lift over the weekend -- by shopping for bras with her mom!
Later they bought socks!
-- From Time:
Putin remains the overwhelmingly popular leader in Russia today.
Probably has nothing to do with the fact that he controls the news media and that his biggest critics tend to turn up, you know, dead.
-- From ABC News:
In a memory competition of man versus chimp, Japanese researchers found that chimpanzees performed better than humans.
That's ridiculous. Where are my keys?
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
December 03, 2007
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Eat at lame Mexican restaurant. Send back cold enchiladas. Get them back somehow even colder.
Get out rake and place it near back door; fail to actually rake anything. That's progress, though, right?
Swing baby around in laundry basket. Apparently, if you're a baby, this is the best. thing. ever.
Stroll around Georgetown. Wonder how yuppies got all that money.
Attend local craft fair. Wonder how hippies got all that pottery.
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry