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January 31, 2008
An Ode to Raisinets
Shriveled grape
Dipped in chocolate
Sweet and delicious
Sort of nutritious
I do not think I'm being hasty
When I say that you are tasty
Your package is resealable
Yet I do not feel able to
Stop consuming you
For god's sake
Tummy ache
Posted by teb at 01:57 PM | Email this entry
January 30, 2008
News To Me
-- From the AP:
Giuliani to Exit Presidential Race Today
If only there were some previous difficult event he could cite during his concession speech as evidence that he can triumph over adversity …
-- From the New York Times:
Australia to Apologize to Aborigines
Sorry about that whole attempted genocide thing. Our bad.
-- From the AP:
Yahoo to Lay Off 1000 WorkersBoohoo.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
January 29, 2008
The Godiva catalog vs. the Bible
Godiva: "Capture affections and arouse temptations with an exciting collection of heart-shaped chocolates."
The Bible: "Lead us not into temptation."
Godiva: "To be savored slowly for the highest level of chocolate indulgence."
The Bible: "They have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more."
Godiva: "Each sinful piece is a more tempting sensation than the next."
The Bible: "The wages of sin is death."
Posted by teb at 09:40 AM | Email this entry
January 28, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Henry remove every item from kitchen cabinet. Consider the toddler straitjacket.
Fight off cold with zinc spray. Have hard time deciding which is nastier.
Feel previous fondness for Bill Clinton evaporate in one clip.
Remove items from U-Haul storage unit, place in shed. Next step: set aflame.
Posted by teb at 10:16 AM | Email this entry
January 25, 2008
News To Me
-- From Reuters:
Former President Bill Clinton said he might have gone too far in attacking Barack Obama ...
I did not mean to insult that man, Mr. Obama.
-- From USA Today:
There is never a moment's doubt that Rambo will save the day, so there isn't much need to pay close attention.
No spoiler alert? Come on!
-- From Reuters:
Pakistan's army chief dismissed on Friday fears that the country's nuclear weapons could fall into the hands of Islamist militants as the military test fired a nuclear-capable missile.
Well, as long as the leader of a corrupt army in a frighteningly fundamentalist country says it's okay ...
Posted by teb at 10:10 AM | Email this entry
January 24, 2008
Open Letter To The Person Who Threw a 24-Ounce Icehouse Beer Can On My Lawn Last Night
Look, I know you're busy. I wouldn't expect you -- after a long night of drinking and driving -- to find a proper trash receptacle for your beer can. It's so much easier to toss it out the window when you're speeding down a residential street at 3 a.m. I get that.
But Icehouse? Really? That stuff is undrinkable. Even Michelob is a step up. Icehouse's slogan, according to the slightly crushed can I picked up for you this morning and disposed of (you're welcome), is "Brewed Colder. Brewed Longer." You have to ask yourself this question: colder and longer than what? It's meaningless without a basis for comparison. Just keep that in mind when you're buying your jumbo-size cans of beer.
Also, if I were you, I would wrap the can in one of those can-size paper bags. That way people might assume you're drinking, like, a Miller Lite or something. Just a thought.
Posted by teb at 01:21 PM | Email this entry
January 23, 2008
A Poem: The Not-So-Bad Blues
My baby done left me
To go to the other room
She'll be back in a minute
With my ice-cream spoon
Posted by teb at 06:14 AM | Email this entry
January 22, 2008
A dialogue between Current Me and Future Me
Future Me: Hey, why are you leaving your hat there?
Current Me: I don't know.
FM: If you hang it up, I'll be able to find it when I need it.
CM: Yeah, I guess.
FM: You guess?
CM: Yeah.
FM: It would literally take you two seconds to do it the right way and likely save me ten minutes of searching for it.
CM: Uh-huh.
FM: So why don't you do it?
CM: Dunno.
FM: [seizes Current Me around the neck]
CM: What are you doing?
FM: I'm killing you.
CM: But, if I understand this far-fetched scenario, I am you, and therefore by strangling me you're committing suicide.
FM: [releases Current Me] I see your point.
CM: Good.
FM: I hate you so much.
CM: Whatever.
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry
January 21, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Put dishes in new magic box that cleans them for you. Wonder who else knows about this.
Dash outside -- coatless -- to put recycling in bin. Freeze solid.
Enjoy a delicious, piping-hot cup of Williams Sonoma Original Peppermint Hot Chocolate, made from bittersweet chocolate shavings infused with peppermint oil. So good I want to be their spokesman.
Discuss potato famine and current stock market dive with John, the guy who cuts my hair. Feel like I should be cutting his hair.
Spend hour chasing Henry around "The Shoe Warehouse." Or, as Henry calls it, "Shooooooooe."
Posted by teb at 01:59 PM | Email this entry
January 18, 2008
Here Are Some Facts (presidential campaign edition)
-- I had a friend in college whose last name was Huckabee. He was likable enough but kind of nuts. Just saying.
-- There's a candidate named "Duncan Hunter."
-- The combined weight of the three leading Democratic candidates is 478 pounds (approximate).
-- Bill Clinton is not, technically, running for president.
-- Nothing rhymes with Romney. Mitt, however, rhymes with lots of stuff.
Posted by teb at 11:07 AM | Email this entry
January 17, 2008
PROS and CONS: Snow
PROS:
-- flakes
-- men
-- angels
CONS:
-- drift
-- shovel
-- blindness
Posted by teb at 12:48 PM | Email this entry
January 16, 2008
How To Take Out Trash
1. As you're lying in bed think "I should get up and drag the trash cans to the curb."
2. Go to sleep.
3. Awaken to the "beep beep" of the garbage truck.
4. Feel around frantically for glasses. Where the hell are they?
5. There they are.
6. Throw on pants, shirt, shoes.
7. Leap over sleeping dog.
8. Fumble with backdoor lock.
9. Drag trash cans down sloping gravel driveway, arriving at curb mere moments before garbage truck pulls up. Victory!
10. Back to bed.
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
January 15, 2008
News To Me
-- From the New York Times:
Kucinich Should Be Allowed to Debate, Judge Rules
In a written opinion, the judge cited Kucinich's "super hot wife" and "hilarious alien stories."
-- From the Washington Post:
Chargers Stun Colts, Make Date With Pats
I know this is a sports story, but I wish it weren't.
-- From Fox News:
Texas Scientists Unveil "Super Carrot"
Worst. Superhero. Ever.
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
January 14, 2008
Conversation with Italian guy who was fixing my dishwasher this morning
Guy: Do you like apple?
Me: Um, yes.
Guy: It's good?
Me: They are good.
Guy: I am getting.
Me: You're getting apples?
Guy: Yes.
Me: Okay.
Guy: (points to my laptop) For computer. Not eat.
Me: Ah. Right.
Guy: You think eat?
Me: Yes. That's what I thought.
Guy: Ha ha.
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
January 11, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led tax-paying, law-abiding people to this tiny, tiny blog
-- "take off that child leash"
Sit, Henry. Good boy.
-- "how to wash dishes"
Glad to help.
-- "instant ear thermometer mascots"
Hey there, kids, I'm Eary!
-- "nba cheerleaders scantily clad"
I don't think you need those last two words.
-- "al qaeda is breaking up."
Creative differences, I'm sure.
-- "rotating dual disco balls"
are awesome.
Posted by teb at 11:14 AM | Email this entry
January 10, 2008
News To Me
-- From Bloomberg:
Apple to Allow ITunes Users to Rent Films, People Say
Well, if "people" said it, then it must be true.
-- From the Washington Post:
Exposure To Rabies Is Growing In Charles
I knew Charles had been acting funny.
-- From the Boston Globe:
John F. Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee in 2004, will endorse Barack Obama in this year's race, a source close to the Massachusetts senator said.
First New Hampshire, now this. Tough week for Barack.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
January 09, 2008
What I learned from the November 2004 Men's Journal I found on the sidewalk
-- The latest high-power chainsaws are easy to use.
-- Tom Brady is a really good quarterback.
-- This season's all-mountain boots have no-hassle features.
-- Ewan McGregor feels like he belongs on a big motorcycle.
-- The Zero Belly Diet will bust your gut.
Posted by teb at 09:57 AM | Email this entry
January 08, 2008
PROS and CONS: Trees
PROS:
-- Leafy
-- Woodsy
-- Choppable
CONS:
-- Splintery
-- Always falling in forests, leading to ridiculous philosophical conundrums
-- Full of squirrels
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
January 07, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Return YET ANOTHER lost dog to its owner, bringing one-week total to four. Seriously, people, close your gates.
Wash dishes in bathroom while kitchen is being remodeled. Discover that toothbrush makes great food-scraper.
Watch Obama's Iowa victory speech. Three times.
Set alarm for 8:30. Snooze until 9:30. Okay, fine: 10:30.
Watch Henry climb from ottoman to couch to radiator cover. Realize we're raising a mostly hairless monkey.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
January 04, 2008
What you don't want to hear from the guy who's remodeling your kitchen
-- You're planning to redo these floors anyway, right?
-- Hmm, I think they measured wrong.
-- Those are half-inch copper pipes. We'll need to get a plumber out here.
-- I'm gonna have to take out a chunk of this wall.
-- I've been doing this for – oh – about a year.
Posted by teb at 10:15 AM | Email this entry
January 03, 2008
This Is A True Story (except for the dialogue at the end)
I caught a mouse last night. It was a non-lethal trap that I baited with peanut butter and placed beneath the sink.
I took the mouse, still in the trap, to a nearby park. It was after midnight. I set the trap on the ground and slid back the cover. The mouse stayed there for a moment, looking up at me with his shiny black eyes.
"What kind of peanut butter was that?" the mouse asked.
"It's called Smart Balance," I replied.
"So it's healthy?"
"Yeah," I said. "And tasty, too."
"It is good," he said. "Then again, I'd eat pretty much whatever, seeing as how I'm a mouse and all."
"Right."
Then the mouse scampered off into the darkness, and I walked home.
THE END
Posted by teb at 10:49 AM | Email this entry
January 02, 2008
What I gleaned from the Christmas letter mistakenly sent to us by someone we don't know
-- Rachel and Jared got married.
-- So did Heidi and Patrick.
-- Jeannie's getting married in January.
-- Ellen and Steve recently celebrated 25 years of marriage.
-- The benefit gala was quite successful.
-- The lounge next to mom's bedroom has a little view of the bay.
-- Mom likes being wheeled to the water's edge to watch the boats.
-- Claire is having phone trouble.
Posted by teb at 12:58 AM | Email this entry
January 01, 2008
News To Me
-- From ABC News:
Mike Huckabee, a former Baptist minister riding a wave of support from fundamentalist Christians, tops Mitt Romney ...
I think that violates both of their religions.
-- Headline from the LA Times:
Jamie Lynn Spears is not the first teen to have a baby
I am intrigued by your thesis and wish to learn more.
-- Headline from the International Herald Tribune:
Smoking ban takes effect in French cafes, bars and restaurants
C'est what?
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry