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February 29, 2008
This Is A True Story
I was attempting to write a check recently. This is not unusual as I am very rich and often write checks for large sums. Partway through filling out the check, my pen ran out of ink. I had already written the amount in words (ten dollars and forty-six cents) but had yet to fill in the numerals or sign my name.
Following a brief search, I located another pen and completed the check. But then I noticed that the first pen's ink was blue; the second, black. I imagined the recipient of this check (the lucky soul who is now $10.46 more prosperous) wondering what calamity had befallen the first pen. So I wrote "first pen ran out of ink" in the memo section at the bottom left-hand corner.
My point is this: I prefer pencils.
Posted by teb at 01:00 PM | Email this entry
February 28, 2008
Things Non-Parents Rarely Say
-- Please don't dump juice in my lap.
-- We don't bite the table.
-- Give Bun-Bun the Bunny a hug.
-- Let's put your pants on and then we can go look at the moon.
-- Did you poop?
Posted by teb at 12:40 PM | Email this entry
February 27, 2008
What I learned from the Pfaltzgraff Spring 2008 catalog
-- "Now you can enjoy the soothing sound of trickling water inside your house all year round."
Thanks to our broken faucet, I already enjoy that.
-- "These rugs are able to withstand heavy foot traffic."
Finally, a rug you can walk on.
-- "Combine romance with a bit of country ... "
... and you get inbreeding.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
February 26, 2008
News To Me
-- From CBS News:
Sen. Hillary Clinton risks appearing negative as she makes "do or die" attacks against Sen. Barack Obama ahead of the Texas and Ohio primaries.
That's the tricky thing about "do or die" attacks.
-- From the Las Vegas Review Journal:
Gennifer Flowers sings the song, "Why Haven't I Heard From You" while making telephone gestures with her hand back in 1998 at an infomercial awards dinner sponsored by the Electronic Retailing Association in Las Vegas.
Best. caption. ever.
-- From the Washington Times:
The e-mail from Sen. Chris Dodd came a few minutes ago as we await the press conference where he formally will endorse Sen. Barack Obama.
The forwarded message from Dodd, who is 63, contained several limericks along with photographs of cats in unlikely places.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
February 25, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
See "There Will Be Blood." Think it should be renamed "There Will Be No Payoff."
Go to the dump. Or, as it's euphemistically called, the "landfill" -- as if the land needed a bunch of junk.
Work out ... on ... elliptical ... machine ...
See that Hillary Clinton's new strategy is sarcasm. Yeah, that'll work.
Enjoy a burrito from Qdoba, which is Spanish for "We totally ripped this idea off from Chipotle."
Posted by teb at 11:33 AM | Email this entry
February 22, 2008
Yet More Trenchant Observations
We had two packages delivered this morning. One was from UPS, the other from FedEx. The two delivery guys happened to arrive at the same time and it was odd to see them together, wearing their respective uniforms, carrying their respective packages.
The UPS uniform is hands-down classier. It seems more formal somehow, yet still active and tough. In my experience, UPS guys are friendly and upbeat while FedEx guys seem harried and distracted. The UPS guys are rushing around, too, but they seem to take it in stride.
As for the trucks, I'd again have to give the advantage to UPS. The enormous purple-and-green FedEx ground logo seems like it's trying too hard. The UPS truck's design is subtle, confident, classic.
"See you next time," the chipper UPS guy called out. The FedEx guy, clearly beaten, managed only a half-hearted wave.
Posted by teb at 12:30 PM | Email this entry
February 21, 2008
Warnings Which Are Ineffective Against Babies
-- Your recent actions (e.g., standing on the couch) may result in severe repercussions and/or grievous bodily harm.
-- The cat(s) will be certainly unreceptive and potentially hostile to your physical advances.
-- Your apparent desire to consume chalk is ill-advised.
-- If this behavior continues unabated, further sanctions – including possible curtailment of privileges -- may be imposed.
-- I'm going to sue you.
Posted by teb at 12:36 PM | Email this entry
February 19, 2008
News To Me
-- From The Street:
Verizon Wireless ... is known for charging some of the highest rates in the U.S. for its wireless services.
Can you fleece me now?
-- From ABC News:
Food Safety Experts Say Recalled Beef Poses Little Risk to Humans
Thanks, but I'll still have the veggie burger ...
-- From the Associated Press:
Andy bares soul in media session
Pettite's soul appeared suspiciously large and well-defined ...
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
February 18, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit National Portrait Gallery, also known as "The Place Where All Parents Bring Their Babies For Some Reason."
Shower. Forget you've showered. Shower again.
Install energy-saving fluorescent bulbs. Feel new appreciation for old incandescents.
Realize that Henry can say about 100 words. Brace self for coming verbal onslaught.
Posted by teb at 02:28 PM | Email this entry
February 15, 2008
OFF LEASH: On age
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Age is not, as has often been stated, just a number. My age, for example, is unknown. Seven? Ten? Older? No one knows.
But this much is certain: I'm no puppy. While less-mature dogs pursue their tails tirelessly, I prefer to wile away my days on the couch, or the rug next to the radiator.
Which is not to say that I don't have my moments of youthful exuberance. Like just before my walk in the morning. Or when chicken is being served. Or when the UPS guy arrives mid-morning, interrupting my nap, and rings the doorbell, forcing me to snarl like a starved, taunted Doberman with a taste for blood and an appetite for human flesh.
You're never too old for that.
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
February 14, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led clean, well-dressed people to this wretched, filthy blog
-- "tweaks on how to hide plagiarism"
Mispell teh werds.
-- "how to make tea"
-- "pee for cleaning up split battery acid"
I think that just adds to the mess.
-- "markie post plaid dress"
For some reason, that bothers me more than all the "markie post nude" searches.
-- 6 month old stares at hand
"Dude," he thinks, "I've got two of them."
Posted by teb at 11:38 AM | Email this entry
February 13, 2008
"Untitled 2" by Henry, age 17 months
Where have we been? Where are we going? Does it even matter?
These are just a few of the questions raised by his latest creation, a stunning mixed-media collage/sculpture that forces viewers to reconsider their penny-ante bourgeois notions of “art” and “truth.” Built on a foundation of small, multicolor boxes, we are left to wonder what is inside them (if anything) and, by implication, what is inside our so-called souls. Then, suddenly, we are confronted with a boot, a reference no doubt to the unwise military actions of our nation’s recent past. Atop the boot, there is a paper plate and a Tupperware container, an obvious dual signifier pointing to the disposable nature of our 21st century sell-ciety. The cultural logic of late capitalism, indeed.
When asked about the meaning of his work, the artist replied “mama” and “milk,” reminding us yet again how we all suckle mindlessly at the golden teat of indifference.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
February 12, 2008
News To Me
-- From CNN:
Ex-Florida prison boss: Drunken orgies tainted system
They tend to do that.
-- From eFluxMedia:
Healthy Lifestyle Is the Secret to Longer Life, Researchers Say
Also, not dying deemed helpful.
-- From Fox News:
Despite what the poll numbers suggest, Clinton’s strategists argued that she would be the stronger competitor against McCain because she has stared down Republicans throughout her career in politics and public service.
See, the fact that people dislike her is a good thing because … um … [runs away]
Posted by teb at 01:03 PM | Email this entry
February 11, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Clean bird crap from windshield. Weren't you guys supposed to fly south?
Start making PBJ only to discover we're out of J. Discard.
Install cabinet locks. Wonder how many minutes it will take Henry to defeat.
Fritter
Place scrambled eggs in freezer to cool them. Behold: the Egg Cube.
Posted by teb at 01:44 PM | Email this entry
February 08, 2008
Things My GPS Unit Wishes It Could Tell Me
-- No, the other left, genius.
-- It's exit "d" as in dumbass.
-- Are you kidding me? What did I just say?
-- Go ahead, follow your instincts. I'm sure they're better than multi-million-dollar satellites.
-- You suck.
Posted by teb at 11:45 AM | Email this entry
February 07, 2008
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part thirteen
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hey, how about those Super Tuesday results?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: Not into politics, huh?
Anna: I'm not here to talk about history or politics, sorry.
Me: What about philosophy?
Anna: Happiness depends upon ourselves. Do you have any questions regarding IKEA.
Me: On ourselves? Are you sure?
Anna: I can't give a 100% definitive answer to that. If you need to clarify anything you've been told here, please contact Customer Service. You'll find more details on the following web page.
Me: Just guess.
Anna: Sorry, but I'm not here to play games. Please ask me something about IKEA.
Me: I think I just got served.
Anna: Sometimes you have to trust your feelings, sometimes no...
Me: Is that some kind of cryptic Zen koan?
Anna: This is a subject I'd rather not discuss to be honest.
Me: I hear ya.
Anna: OK. I'm glad that we are communicating successfully.
Me: So am I, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 08:28 AM | Email this entry
February 06, 2008
What I learned from the Bra Smyth catalog
-- Effortless full containment cups with comfy wide shoulder straps that don't dig.
-- Body Sculpt Chantelle is available in white, chocolate, and toffee.
-- Bra-lellujah Front Closure Bra is the most comfortable bra you'll ever own.
-- The IBra is stitchless, seamless and tagless.
-- The hipster boyshort comes in mint.
Posted by teb at 07:07 AM | Email this entry
February 05, 2008
News To Me
-- From Reuters:
For smokers, getting a good night's sleep is no slumber party, scientists said on Monday.
Are we sure that’s what scientists said?
-- From Reuters:
Bassist Phil Lesh, 67, said he met Obama, who told him he has some Grateful Dead songs on his iPod music player, last year.
Oh -- it’s a music player. Glad we clarified.
-- From the Associated Press:
Two men are accused of burning down the birthplace of the woman made famous by the nursery rhyme "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
Fortunately, the lamb was with Mary at the time of the incident.
Posted by teb at 12:06 PM | Email this entry
February 04, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Make multiple trips to Goodwill. Slogan: "Where Fiberboard Goes To Die."
Eat half a loaf of sister's patented pumpkin bread, commonly regarded as the heroin of the bread world.
Tune in for second half of football game. Apparently, it was kind of a big deal.
Listen to "Curious George" soundtrack, oh, about ten times.
Push stroller and walk dog at same time. Consider adding third trick and taking act on road.
Posted by teb at 11:52 AM | Email this entry
February 01, 2008
Things My New Dentist Said To Me During My First Appointment
-- "I give everyone the same introduction. Some guy said he was a $700 an hour attorney. I told him I don't care."
-- "Floss in the shower. That's what I tell everybody. Floss in the shower."
-- "Go into a nursing home. You want to know where their teeth are? In a drawer, that's where."
-- "I even floss when I'm in Vegas."
-- "So the name of this build-up -- and you've probably heard this before because it gets a lot of play in the news media -- is plaque."
Posted by teb at 03:03 PM | Email this entry