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March 31, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Disassemble broken fan. Struggle with the reassemble part.
Make early morning trip to funky local co-op. Less selection than Giant, but also less soul-crushing.
Link to spouse's awesome new blog.
Take Henry to library story time. Also known as Toddlers Gone Wild.
Pretend not to be sick anymore. Fool no one.
Posted by teb at 12:26 PM | Email this entry
March 28, 2008
Least Popular Fonts
Baskerville Old Wrinkle Face
Gothic Amateur
Arial Condensed Extra Illegible
Bold Kidnapper
Bad Times
Palamino
New Century Scrawl
Posted by teb at 12:17 PM | Email this entry
March 27, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led rational, fully employed people to this misleading, erratic blog
-- "when i move my knees and elbows it stings sometimes"
Check your pants for bees.
-- "markie post white house"
VP maybe?
-- "what can you do with help a can of crushed pineapple in 3 or less minutes"
throw it at people who ask silly questions.
-- "details of the job of a shampoo girl"
Lots of paperwork and meetings.
-- "chin chin toodles goodbye"
Same to you, my friend.
Posted by teb at 11:18 AM | Email this entry
March 26, 2008
Dreams I've Had Recently And What I'm Pretty Sure They Mean
-- Some wealthy hotel owner is explaining to me how he plans to remodel his lobby. "All of these walls will be gone," he says. "Replaced by heat-resistant glass." Among his other ideas is "rising platforms" instead of elevators.
Meaning: Rising platforms are the future of between-floor travel.
-- I'm running in a marathon or some kind of long-distance race. I'm doing very well until we come to a lake and everyone puts on their bathing suits and jumps in. I did not realize there would be swimming.
Meaning: I'm not a strong swimmer.
-- I'm on "Meet the Press," discussing the presidential race. James Carville is there, too, along with Peggy Noonan and Robert Novak. Everyone is very impressed by my insights. At one point, Peggy Noonan whispers "Nice one."
Meaning: I should be on "Meet the Press."
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
March 25, 2008
News To Me
-- From Newsday:
Gov. Paterson admits he used marijuana, cocaine
Okay, we get it, you can stop confessing stuff now.
-- From USA Today:
Ferraro says she was 'stunned' by attention paid to her comments about Obama
Yeah, why would implying that Obama's race is the only reason he's gotten this far generate controversy? Crazy!
-- Hillary, via ABC News:
"You know, I think that, a minor blip, you know, if I said something that, you know, I say a lot of things -- millions of words a day -- so, if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement."
Thanks for clearing that up.
Posted by teb at 10:50 AM | Email this entry
March 24, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Singlehandedly keep Kleenex people in business.
Curl up on couch and moan pitifully.
In feverish delirium, seriously consider making 3 a.m. trip to store for cranberry juice.
Cough up truly surprising amount of yuck.
Generally be a big fat baby about getting sick.
Posted by teb at 11:13 AM | Email this entry
March 21, 2008
Oh whatever, it's my blog
Posted by teb at 12:05 PM | Email this entry
March 20, 2008
How To Sleep
1. Lie down.
2. Stare at ceiling for 45 minutes.
3. Get up.
4. Read article about Britney Spears in the supposedly highbrow Atlantic Monthly.
5. Lie down.
6. Stare at ceiling for hour.
7. Get up.
8. Clean kitchen while listening to “Meet the Press.” Oh, Bill Bradley, how can anyone be so simultaneously dull and vicious?
9. Lie down. Stare at ceiling for another hour before drifting into a restless sleep.
10. Wake up in haze at noon.
Posted by teb at 01:43 PM | Email this entry
March 19, 2008
These questions recently occurred to me, no doubt due to jet lag and lack of sleep
Why do Scottish people need so much clear tape?
Do they make life pants to go with the vest?
Are there novelty sized checkbooks?
Posted by teb at 05:15 PM | Email this entry
March 18, 2008
News To Me
-- From The New York Times:
In an interview shown Monday on CNN, Mr. Clinton said the widespread interpretation of his remarks — comparing Senator Barack Obama to the Rev. Jesse Jackson — was "a total myth and a mugging."
Yeah, like "mugging" wasn't a deliberate word choice.
-- Headline from West Virginia Metro News:
Senator Hillary Clinton on Coal
Turns out, she was just talking about coal.
-- From The New York Daily News:
Former New Jersey governor James McGreevey's estranged wife Monday denied engaging in a seamy threesome with her "I am a gay American" husband and one of his aides.
As opposed to all those wholesome threesomes.
Posted by teb at 12:57 PM | Email this entry
March 17, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Be awakened by chorus of leaf blowers playing "Suburban Symphony" in E minor.
Nearly get run over by reckless SUV driver. Wish the English language contained stronger, more obscene curse words.
Find out that zoo charges $10 admission fee. Visit squirrels at the park instead.
Learn that own jealousy is rooted in deficiency of stature.
Debate whether building under-construction is new Starbucks, new Chik-fil-A, or some diabolical combination of the two. Chikbucks?
Posted by teb at 10:31 AM | Email this entry
March 14, 2008
PROS and CONS: Houston
PROS:
-- Freeways
-- Convenience stores
-- Strip malls
CONS:
-- Freeways
-- Convenience stores
-- Strip malls
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
March 13, 2008
Henry, translated
What He Says: "Cook"
What He Means: I noticed that you’re making something on the stove. If at all possible, I would enjoy being picked up so that I may see what you are cooking and perhaps stir and/or taste it.
What He Says: "Have"
What He Means: Please give me the remote control to the television. I would like to press all the buttons, reprogram the channels and then try to put it in my mouth.
What He Says: "Pee"
What He Means: I am currently peeing on the floor.
Posted by teb at 11:50 AM | Email this entry
March 12, 2008
A Few In-Flight Announcements
-- "You're free to stand up and prance around the cabin."
-- "We're going to be running into some turbulence. Might want to update those wills."
-- "If you look out the window to our left, you'll see a whole lot of nothing."
-- "We've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and so we're going to go ahead and switch off the engines."
-- "Once we're safely off the ground, our flight attendants will be coming around with complimentary hats."
Posted by teb at 10:30 AM | Email this entry
March 11, 2008
News To Me
-- From Newsday:
Here is the busy governor of New York, on the phone, working out who pays for the prostitute's use of the hotel minibar.
Man, those minibar prices are the real scandal.
-- From The Chicago Tribune:
NY Gov. Spitzer: 'I promised better'
Yes, I think we all remember well his "I will not sleep with $5,000-an-hour prostitutes" pledge.
-- From ABC News:
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer built his career on the moral high ground, but faces a fall suffered by Greek gods and Shakespearean characters through his own hubris or exaggerated sense of self-pride.
Spitzer will now either drink poison or be drowned in the River Styx.
Posted by teb at 12:08 PM | Email this entry
March 10, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Clean tub. Wonder if mine workers have been bathing in there.
Study delegate counts like I'll be tested later.
Experience brief power outage. Suffer instant Internet withdrawal.
Put toys Henry has outgrown in attic. Consider starting a day care up there.
Drive Subaru to Whole Foods for sushi. Yeah, I know.
Posted by teb at 01:22 PM | Email this entry
March 07, 2008
“The Temporary Bachelor”: A Short Play
Me: How about that Democratic nominating contest?
No One: [no response]
Me: Getting pretty ugly, huh?
No One: [no response]
Me: I’m thinking about making a smoothie. Maybe put some mango in there.
No One: [no response]
Me: That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Mango.
No One: [no response]
Me: Mango. Mango.
No One: [no response]
Me: Mango.
Posted by teb at 01:17 PM | Email this entry
March 06, 2008
The Lonesome Ballad of the Temporary Bachelor
Oh who will hear my witticisms
and criticisms?
Only the cats, and the dog,
and the mice in the walls.
Oh who will stop me drinking juice
from the container?
Can I make it plainer,
my misery?
If I play video games til three
There is none to care but me
So while I may bewail my fate
It is, in some ways, kind of great
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
March 05, 2008
Clouds: An Extremely Brief, Inaccurate Glossary
Cumulus: White and fluffy, these clouds often resemble Abraham Lincoln or a shoe, depending on who you are.
Cirrocumulus: Similar to cumulus, except with the word “cirro” stuck on the front.
Stratus: A mid-size, four-door sedan made by Dodge.
Posted by teb at 03:32 PM | Email this entry
March 04, 2008
News To Me
-- From The New York Times:
Senator Barack Obama might have worn a bee-keeper’s hat as he held a press conference in San Antonio and faced a hornet swarm of questions.
See, the questions are like hornets, which are like bees, and the hat would keep them out, if he were wearing it, figuratively, which he wasn't.
-- From The Associated Press:
"Should those who stepped forward to say we're going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the president say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you," he said.
If only Hallmark made a "Thanks For Spying On Us All Illegally" card.
-- New York Times headline:
A One-Eyed Invader in the Bedroom
Ahh! Ahh! Oh wait -- they mean TV and computers. False alarm.
Posted by teb at 11:43 AM | Email this entry
March 03, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Read article by woman who argues that women are dumb. She makes a strong case for one of them.
Think Henry can't bite into solid foam ball. Be proven wrong.
Do, like, eight loads of laundry. Wonder who is wearing all these clothes.
Digress
Turn down alma mater's donation request. If you educated me better, maybe I'd have money.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry