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April 30, 2008
What I learned from my new rice cooker's instruction manual
-- I am now the "proud owner" of an "extremely versatile appliance."
-- The rice cooker, along with cooking rice, can "even bake a cake!"
-- RANDOM capitalization makes FOR MORE interesting READING.
-- Dropping the rice cooker "may cause malfunction."
-- All ingredients "must be of superior excellence." Plain old excellence will not do.
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
April 29, 2008
News
-- From The New York Times:
The Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. has wriggled out from under sound bites and screen-grab loops to put himself into context in that most American of ways: on television.
That lead broke my brain.
-- From The Washington Post:
In fact, the atmosphere is so calming that Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff yesterday forgot to remove his shoes -- a major no-no -- while demonstrating the prototype checkpoint's screening process ...
Glad he's so detail-oriented.
-- From the Bucks County Courier Times:
Fungus could be spreading to bat caves in Pennsylvania
Well, there go my weekend plans.
Posted by teb at 10:26 AM | Email this entry
April 28, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Discover we're out of Cheerios, the food that sustains all life in household. Panic.
Drive to richer part of town, where the cars are shiny, the yards well-tended, and all the babies ride in high-end strollers.
Be amazed at the genius of the bubble wand.
Hang rug over fence and hit with broom. Yeah, take that.
Use new rice cooker. Best twelve dollars I've ever spent. Second best, anyway.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
April 25, 2008
Another insightful philosophical reflection
Earlier this week, part of our porch roof collapsed. This is not as dramatic as it sounds: we're talking about a very small part. Still, it created a mess and will now have to be repaired.
I knew, for months, that this would happen. There was a leak in the roof that would, if not given proper attention, result in structural failure. But I ignored it, mostly because fixing it would have impinged on my valuable reading-magazines-while-snacking time.
Anyway. Now that this interior portion of the roof has collapsed, I can clearly see how to patch the hole in the exterior portion. By ignoring the problem, I have made my task easier. For the record, the lesson here is obviously not that one should wait until disaster occurs before taking much-needed action.
Wait -- actually, that is the lesson. Never mind.
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | Email this entry
April 24, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led merciful, moneyed people to this spurious, spasmodic blog
-- "i wanna roo you what does roo mean"
Oh I think you know.
-- "markie post honest real nude pictures"
Yeah, no more fake Markie Post nudes. I hate those.
-- "how much does markie post weigh"
Clothed or un?
-- "a short story about something that happened to you recently try to include some of the adverbs in iran"
I'll get right on that.
-- "meaning of the word dasani"
-- "dukes of hazzard exploding arrows"
are way awesome.
-- "may i please email the sprouse twins i am asking you nicely"
The answer is still no.
Posted by teb at 12:08 PM | Email this entry
April 23, 2008
News To Me
-- From Reuters:
"There were a lot of folks who didn't think we could make this a close race when it started," Obama said in Evansville. "Six weeks later, we closed the gap. We rallied people of every age and race and background to our cause."
By "closed the gap" he means "lost by ten points."
-- From the Washington Post:
Clinton Chides Obama for Going 'So Negative'
Logic surrenders.
-- From the LA Times:
Barack Obama appears frustrated by his inability to shake Hillary Clinton
If only he could get close enough.
Posted by teb at 11:29 AM | Email this entry
April 22, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer
Dear Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer,
First of all, I want to thank you for making such a great product. It brings me one step closer to my ultimate goal of an odor-free home.
It works so well that sometimes I sprinkle it directly on the cats. Or the dog, for that matter. Heck, I even use it on myself. It's THAT good.
Anyway. You are, indeed, the odor-control experts.
Down with stink!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett:
Thank you for visiting our web site. We appreciate your interest in our company and our products. It is nice to know that you enjoy using ARM & HAMMER® Cat Litter Deodorizer.
At ARM & HAMMER®, we strive to manufacture products of high quality and performance that meet genuine consumer needs. It is gratifying to learn from you that our efforts are recognized and appreciated.
We appreciate your comments about alternative uses for the product, but we most advised that our only recommendations is for litter box deodorization.
We value your patronage and under separate cover, via the United States Postal Service, have sent a coupon for one of our products.
Again, thank you for taking the time and having the interest to contact us. It's always nice to hear from satisfied customers.
We hope you will visit our web site again at: WWW.CHURCHDWIGHT.COM; for information about our company, products, history, and financial information.
Sheila J. Cancel
Consumer Relations Specialist
Posted by teb at 01:01 PM | Email this entry
April 21, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit new Newseum. For 20 bucks you too can mourn a dying industry.
Give lawn first trim of the season. Be concerned that weeds now outnumber grass.
Dissipate
Have rare guest over to house, forcing us to actually -- what's the word? Oh yeah -- clean.
Discover that someone has filled my tea kettle with plastic blocks. I suspect Kellie.
Posted by teb at 11:50 AM | Email this entry
April 18, 2008
How To Microwave a Chicken Pot Pie
1. Open box to vent. Do not remove pie.
2. Place in microwave. Set for nine minutes.
3. Press start.
4. Read online debate coverage while waiting for chicken pot pie to cook. Be outraged at ABC's ridiculous questions (lapel pins? Are you kidding me?).
5. Six minutes left. Wow – time moves slowly.
6. Have some juice. Mmm. Juice.
7. Hear the phone ringing. Answer it.
8. Totally forget about the pie.
9. An hour later, remember that you were making yourself a chicken pot pie. Wonder if it'll still be good if you reheat it.
10. Nope.
Posted by teb at 12:47 PM | Email this entry
April 17, 2008
The upside of locking your keys in the car
-- Opportunity to meet a professional from our nation's locksmith industry.
-- Helpful reminder that minor mistake can screw-up morning.
-- Enjoy "me time" while waiting for locksmith to arrive.
-- Test that roadside-assistance coverage we pay for.
-- Keep self from feeling too smart.
Posted by teb at 12:22 PM | Email this entry
April 16, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Swiffer
Dear Swiffer,
First of all, let me say how much I love the Swiffer. It truly gives cleaning a whole new meaning.
What I like best about the Swiffer are the patented replacement cloths. You have to keep buying and buying them! It never, ever ends.
Anyway. I am saying "goodbye" to my old broom.
(Not literally. That would be weird.)
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team.
Thanks again for writing.
P&G Team
P.S. If you're a mom who likes learning about new products and sharing your opinions about them, we'd love to hear from you! Join Vocalpoint to preview and influence new products and services, as well as receive coupons and samples you can share with friends or family. Membership is free, always voluntary, and your privacy is guaranteed.
Posted by teb at 10:28 AM | Email this entry
April 15, 2008
News to Me
-- From Bloomberg:
Crocs Inc., the maker of the namesake colorful clogs, fell the most ever in Nasdaq trading after the company lowered its sales forecast and said it will fire 600 Canadian plant workers as retailers reduce orders.
Experts blame the shortfall on its ugly, blister-causing shoes.
-- From Voice of America:
Amnesty Says China is World's Leading Executioner
If only that were an Olympic sport ...
-- From ABC News:
Bill Clinton Keeps 'Bitter' Alive
I guess Hillary has a new nickname.
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
April 14, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Spot semi-famous blogger at library book sale. Be semi-star struck.
Eat substandard Baja Fresh burrito. Blah ha.
Be annoyed at suddenly-hot-then-cold-again weather.
Opine
Attempt to carry toddler, pizza, and shopping bag at same time. Fail.
Posted by teb at 11:57 AM | Email this entry
April 11, 2008
Three (more) brief book reviews
-- The Truck Book by Lawrence DiFiori
With his use of the definite article (it's not simply "a" truck book) DiFiori announces his ambition: This is going to be the truck book to end all truck books. The opus that will seal the genre. But intention must be followed by execution and, unlike the mail truck, DiFiori's writing ("Concrete to build the building comes out of the concrete mixer") fails to deliver.
-- Johnny The Fireman by Rebecca K. Sprinkle
The plot, such as it is, involves rosy-cheeked Johnny's two-week stay with his Aunt Jane in an unnamed "tiny little town." Sprinkle's idealized portrait of small-town life is oozing with city-dweller condescension. At the conclusion of the book, Johnny decides that he will become both a hardware-store man, like his father, and a volunteer fireman. I guess they can stop saving for college.
-- Three Ducks Went Wandering by Ron Roy
Three ducks go out into the world and narrowly avoid being horribly killed by numerous predators (foxes, a snake, a hawk). How do they accomplish this? By completely ignoring their surroundings, of course! The message seems to be obliviousness as a survival strategy. So go right ahead and play in the street, kids! Don't let those speeding cars worry you.
Posted by teb at 01:55 PM | Email this entry
April 10, 2008
This is not what I was planning to write
As I was writing today's entry, one of our cats crept quietly into the room and used the litter box that's near my desk. This happens with remarkable regularity. It's as if the cats see me at the desk and think "You know what? Now would be a terrific time to defecate."
Why, you might ask, is the litter box next to the desk? That's a great question. Thanks for asking. It's because there's no other place to put it. I don't want it in the kitchen, where we eat, or in the bedroom, where we sleep, or in the living room, where we entertain guests. Not that we have that many guests, but, you know, in theory.
Here's my point: I don't think I have one. Other than I'm pretty sure the cats hate me. And, trust me, it's mutual.
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
April 09, 2008
PROS AND CONS: Birds (from the archives)
Pros:
-- Good for watching
-- Useful as metaphors
-- Edible
Cons:
-- Too chirpy
-- Too pecky
-- Get all up in your trees
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
April 08, 2008
News To Me
-- From Reuters:
In a bid to reinvigorate lackluster U.S. traffic, Starbucks Corp will introduce a new, everyday brew called Pike Place Roast on Tuesday and for 30 minutes will hand out free 8-ounce (240 ml) samples.
First taste is free, man. You'll be back.
-- From the Washington Post:
Gator Blood May Be New Source of Antibiotics
If you'll just hold still for AAAAAAH!
-- From ABC News:
People with depression are more likely to later develop Alzheimer's disease, according to two studies published on Monday, and one team said that chronic stress may damage their brains.
That oughta cheer 'em up.
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
April 07, 2008
Library Story Time: A Report
Suspiciously Large Boy: No way that kid is under two. Possibly on HGH.
Pig-Tailed Girl: Just plain mean. Known to attack other children without provocation. Exhibits no remorse.
Runny-Nosed Boy: Steer clear at all costs. Kid is a mobile germ factory.
Fat-Cheeked Boy: Always heading toward the door, trying to escape. I feel his pain.
Girl w/ Barrette: Sneaky; often takes other children's toys. Future klepto.
Boy w/ Binky: Seems oddly blissed out. Future stoner.
Curly Haired Girl: Meaner than Pig-Tailed Girl. That would be a good fight.
Posted by teb at 12:18 PM | Email this entry
April 04, 2008
My pre-caffeine list of ideas for today's entry
-- Um … wait, I had something.
-- Silver-dollar pancakes are really just undersized pancakes.
--
-- I bet stump removal is a satisfying business.
-- I don’t understand the appeal of olives.
-- A mug is just a cup with a handle, right?
-- There is no “i” in “me.”
Posted by teb at 12:21 PM | Email this entry
April 03, 2008
Conversation at checkout counter
Lady: Oh, he's so cute.
Me: Henry, this lady thinks you're cute.
Henry: Fan. Turn.
Lady: He likes that fan.
Me: He's a fan fan.
Lady: I have a granddaughter he might like to meet.
Me: Okay, but he's not interested in anything serious. Just a fling.
Henry: Bye-bye.
Posted by teb at 11:23 AM | Email this entry
April 02, 2008
Toilet paper: An ode
You were on a roll
Until you weren't
Bathroom tissue
How I
Miss you
Two ply
I sigh
Posted by teb at 11:26 AM | Email this entry
April 01, 2008
News To Me
-- From CBS News:
Hillary's Secret Weapon For Rural America
I didn't think racism was secret.
-- From the New York Daily News:
A top British cancer expert says using hand-held phones for 10 years could double the risk of brain cancer.
I wonder how many people read this on their phone.
-- From the International Herald Tribune:
More Russia cult members abandon doomsday bunker
Whatever, man, more room for us.
Posted by teb at 11:21 AM | Email this entry