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May 30, 2008
Henry, translated
"Lick a foot"
I want the dog to lick my foot. Or, possibly, the dog just licked my foot and I'm upset about it.
"Milky books"
I wish to be fed and read to simultaneously.
"Get a mint."
I want someone to feed me little bits of a York Peppermint Pattie. If you refuse, I will push a chair over to the cabinet where I know the mints are kept and attempt to retrieve them myself.
"Firetruck siren woo-woo"
During our recent trip to the store, I saw a firetruck with its siren on and it was, without a doubt, the most exciting thing that has ever happened.
"I like it."
I like it.
Posted by teb at 01:10 PM | Email this entry
May 28, 2008
News
-- From BBC News:
Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan has said US President George W Bush was not "open and forthright" on Iraq and rushed to an unnecessary war.
Now you tell us.
-- From the San Jose Mercury News:
Childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau, a potentially significant development in the battle against excessive weight gain among children.
The plateau is expected to buckle under the collective weight of the enormous children.
-- From USA Today:
Sears says the rapper's clothing will be a "aspirational label" for customers who want "authentic streetwear."
"Yo," added Sears.
Posted by teb at 08:59 AM | Email this entry
May 27, 2008
The Memorial weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Fail to attend a single barbecue.
Discover that strawberry plants produce free strawberries.
Finally get rid of accursed shag rug. It was that or get a lava lamp.
Assure Henry that ladybugs won't hurt him.
But that Asian Tiger mosquitoes most certainly will. Damn them.
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
May 23, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led quiet, querulous people to this tepid, tremulous blog
-- "markie post attempts suicide on night court"
Wow. I must have missed that episode.
-- "koala bear reaction to eating eucalyptus leaves"
"Yum," I'd guess.
-- "whats wrong with the song head should knees and toes"
everything.
-- "hanes premium boxer-briefs"
-- "cursing to a minor is it illegal?"
It depends on what the little bastard did.
Posted by teb at 12:31 PM | Email this entry
May 22, 2008
PROS and CONS: Pens
PROS:
-- Chewable
-- Bite-able
-- Easy to gnaw
CONS:
-- Dirty
-- Flimsy
-- Inky
Posted by teb at 05:21 PM | Email this entry
May 21, 2008
News
-- From Reuters:
Bush plans Europe trip in June
President said to be inspired by mid-80s Chevy Chase movie.
-- From The Denver Post:
Forecast includes risk of fire, flood, lightning, hail and snow
Time to bust out the kevlar umbrellas.
-- From the LA Times:
US ranks in lower half of Global Peace Index
Experts think attacking another country for no good reason possibly to blame.
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
May 20, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Orville, pt. III
Tom,
I trust your Orville Redenbacher popcorn package made it to your doorstep. As always, we welcome feedback and would love to hear how you are enjoying it!
Once again we hope you enjoyed your popcorn bowl, samples and coupons! I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks,
Amanda
Orville Redenbacher's Popcorn Team & ConAgra Foods
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
It did indeed! There’s nothing quite like having popcorn delivered to your doorstep – particularly when it’s Orville Redenbacher Popping Corn, a division of ConAgra Foods, one of North America’s largest packaged food companies.
The bowl is everything I hoped for and will be enjoyed for years to come (heirloom!). Likewise, the two sample packets and money-saving coupons are a real plus, particularly in these difficult economic times.
I would be willing to mention other ConAgra products if, you know, I received the proper -- what's the word? -- encouragement.
All the best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 04:50 PM | Email this entry
May 19, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Get rid of couch we've had for ... wow, 10 years. I'm old.
Re-watch best episode of best TV show (possibly) ever.
Teach Henry important little boy skill: pretend burping.
Freewheel
Work on draining basement. Consider just stocking it with bass.
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
May 16, 2008
MT Index
Number of cat-ruined arm chairs I've placed on the curb for the bulk trash people: 1
Amount of money I paid for that chair when I bought it used: $25
Number of cats we have: 3
Ideal number of cats:
Number of days straight it has rained: 7
Inches of water in our basement at this moment: 2
The level of dread I feel when I think about spending a chunk of my weekend using the wet-vac to suck up that water, with "1" being no dread and "10" being over-the-top dreadful: 8
Posted by teb at 11:26 AM | Email this entry
May 15, 2008
A Report From Toddler Music Class
-- Egg-shaped rattles were placed on a gym mat causing class-wide pandemonium.
-- The boy who likes to tap shoulders and run away continued his reign of terror.
-- The guitar-wearing teacher stated that bouncing balls are a perennial favorite. "No matter what I do, everyone loves the balls," she said.
-- Parents were reminded that repetition is important at this age. Parents were reminded that repetition is important at this age.
-- The correct pronunciation of "sonnez les matines" was debated. No firm conclusion was reached.
Posted by teb at 12:30 PM | Email this entry
May 14, 2008
News
-- From MSNBC:
"The president swallows the microphone every time he opens his mouth," Davis said.
Better than talking into it.
-- From The LA Times:
Pastor John Hagee, who heads the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, said in a letter made public Tuesday that he now knew the terms he used to describe the church, such as "the great whore," were "rhetorical devices long employed in anti-Catholic literature."
He meant "great whore" as a compliment.
-- From The Washington Times:
Clinton sweeps West Virginia
State still dirty.
Posted by teb at 12:53 PM | Email this entry
May 13, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Orville, pt. II
Tom,
While looking online for influential bloggers with whom we could connect, we came across your post from last year about your love for Orville Popcorn. As a thank you for sharing we would gladly send you a sampling of our current popcorn, with our compliments. Just give us the green light, and the samples will be shipped to your doorstep
Thanks again for your post! We can’t wait to hear from you.
Nutritiously yours,
Amanda
Orville Redenbacher’s Popcorn Team & ConAgra Foods
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Amanda,
Consider it given. The green light, I mean. My love for Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn knows no bounds. It's yet another high-quality product from ConAgra, a leading, value-added food company.
As an influential blogger, I try to inform my many, many readers about the range of consumer options available to them in today's global marketplace. I see no reason that I couldn't mention Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn again (wink) if the spirit (wink) so moved (wink) me.
Wink.
all the best,
Tom
Posted by teb at 11:12 AM | Email this entry
May 12, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Wonder if constant rain is God’s punishment for not water-sealing the basement.
Brace self/skin for coming mosquito onslaught.
Spend afternoon at IKEA. Considering just moving there permanently.
Vacillate.
Read Fiasco, Thomas Ricks’ book on the Iraq War. Cry.
Posted by teb at 05:37 PM | Email this entry
May 09, 2008
These are the kinds of romantic conversations you have after nearly 10 years of marriage
K: I think I know why the bathtub is moldy.
T: Why?
K: That showerhead is leaking.
T: Ah. I guess that explains why I keep bleaching it and it keeps coming back.
K: I think we just need to tighten it.
T: I'd really like to redo the bathroom.
K: Yeah, that's kind of low on my list.
T: Hmm.
K: Do you want some pasta? I just made some.
T: Nah. I think I'm gonna go for a run.
K: Okay. Love you.
T: Love you, too.
Posted by teb at 01:07 PM | Email this entry
May 08, 2008
OFF LEASH: On sleep
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
I am a heavy sleeper. Each evening around midnight, I find a spot, usually on the living-room floor, and I make it my bed. I don't circle three times like most dogs; that is waste of time and energy, not to mention stupid.
Instead I flop down, sans ceremony, and lapse into coma-like state. During this time, you can step over me, rustle magazines, turn on and off the light. I don't care. I am sleeping. Do as you please.
In the morning, however, I am attuned to the sounds indicating that a walk is imminent. The turn of the knob. The rattle of the leash. It's odd how certain stimuli elicit such a strong reaction. Pavlovian, even.
Posted by teb at 04:24 AM | Email this entry
May 07, 2008
This Is A True Story That Ends With A Sudden Digression Into Class Politics
I recently purchased some Hanes boxer-briefs from Target. I am a fan of boxer-briefs, mostly because they appeal to my indecisive nature.
Now, I had purchased Hanes boxer-briefs before and found them to be satisfactory. And yet these new boxer-briefs were, um, not. They felt weird. I compared them to my other Hanes boxer-briefs and discovered that they're made of different material. What gives?
As it turns out, there are Hanes "premium" boxer-briefs and there are regular Hanes boxer-briefs. The former cost twice as much; I had purchased the latter at Target. This, I would argue, is yet more proof of what John Edwards so rightly called "Two Americas." I want to live in a country where all men – and, I guess, women if they want -- can afford premium boxer-briefs.
If I believe anything, I believe this: No one deserves an itchy waistband.
Posted by teb at 11:51 AM | Email this entry
May 06, 2008
News
-- From ABC News:
Sen. Barack Obama Addresses Wright Controversy, Clinton's Claims
For the eleventy-billionth time.
-- From PC World:
After a pricing spat with Apple led NBC to pull its video content from iTunes, the broadcaster has struck a deal with Microsoft's Zune online store.
Dozens of Zune owners rejoice.
-- From The New York Times:
What the work was, [Mrs. Clinton] does not say in these speeches. (A campaign representative said she baby-sat, did research for a professor and supervised a park.)
The research was on the response of babies to parks.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
May 05, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Pay $48.04 to fill up car. Regret choosing the "turbo" option.
Suffer rare exposure to cable news. Actually feel mind growing numb.
Plant garden. Let the wilting begin!
Luxuriate
Purchase cheap boxer-briefs at Target. Itch.
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
May 02, 2008
Early Morning Phone Call: A Poem
It's a little past seven
but I'm still in
heaven
Curled up
and dreaming
when the telephone starts
ringing
Hello?
Hell no!
I'm going back to bed
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
May 01, 2008
A guide to the dangers of BPA
An additive in some plastics, called bisphenol A or simply BPA, has been linked to cancer and fertility problems. Here are some guidelines to protecting you and your family:
Avoid plastic containers with the recycling number 7. Not all containers with the number 7 contain BPA, but some do, and it’s impossible to tell the difference. In addition, some containers are not marked. Containers with the number 3 also contain BPA, or may contain it, not everyone agrees. Some experts recommend using containers made of other materials, like metal.
However, metal containers may be lined with plastic that contains BPA, but there’s no way to tell. That’s why it’s best to consume only rainwater you catch in your hands, but wash them first, as they may contain traces of BPA, a compound that may or may not actually hurt you, no one is sure.
Hope that helps.
Posted by teb at 01:19 PM | Email this entry