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June 30, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Henry terrorize pigeons.
Chase fly with rolled-up magazine. Trip over toy truck.
Spend the most ever filling up gas tank: $58. Start bike shopping.
Decide to clean out gutters now that plants are growing there.
Drink sweet tea at Smithsonian Folklife Festival's "Texas" exhibit. Ah, culture.
Posted by teb at 09:42 AM | Email this entry
June 27, 2008
Actual conversation between me and the salad place guy
Me: What's in the Autumn Harvest salad?
SPG: Yes.
Me: No. What's in it?
SPG: You want?
Me: I want to know the ingredients. Does it have chicken?
SPG: You want chicken?
Me: I don't want chicken.
SPG: Autumn Harvest, no chicken?
Me: Right, but what else is in it?
SPG: Yes.
Me:
SPG: You want?
Me: Fine.
SPG: Autumn Harvest!
Posted by teb at 05:41 PM | Email this entry
June 26, 2008
Three brief book reviews
You'll Soon Grow Into Them, Titch by Pat Hutchins
Young Titch needs new clothes. His older brother and sister offer him their old clothes, but they're too big. Titch -- who apparently has nothing else to wear -- puts them on anyway and is humiliated. Eventually, Titch's negligent parents realize that it is their responsibility to clothe all of their children properly, not just the older two. The kicker: When Titch's baby brother is born, he offers the infant his pants. In other words, he has learned nothing.
The Dynamic Dumper Truck by Anonymous
Here we have the saga of a heavy-equipment operator named Bill. We watch Bill drive his truck around a construction site. We see men mixing concrete, men pouring concrete and men looking at plans for a new building. Extraneous detail ("It carries loads backwards and forwards") is included, presumably, to add drama, but succeeds only in bogging down an already-leaden tale. At the end, the narrator asks if the reader can remember all the things Bill did today. Here's a question: Why would you want to?
The Little Red Wagon by Anonymous
Bendon bear notices that Billy Jo bunny's wagon is broken. Bendon offers to fix it and Billy Jo accepts his offer. Later, despite Bendon's warning, Billy Jo overloads the wagon and breaks one of its wheels. Again, Bendon fixes it. The moral of the story: Helping others will get you nowhere.
Posted by teb at 02:10 PM | Email this entry
June 25, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: York Peppermint Patties
Dear York Peppermint Patties,
First of all, let me say how much I love your patties. No other combination of sugar, corn syrup and semi-sweet chocolate even comes close. Mm-hmm!
Anyway. I did wonder where the name York came from. Perhaps there is an interesting story behind it (it doesn't have to be interesting--no pressure).
BE SENSATIONAL!
all the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Thank you for contacting The Hershey Company.
Hearing consumer comments like yours is important to us. The Hershey Company has been in business for many years because of consumers like you. You are one of the reasons for our continued success. We will share your comments with our Marketing Department. Please visit us online at www.hersheys.com for additional information about our products.
The information that you have requested is not available.
This email address is restricted for outgoing messages only. For that reason, please do not respond to this email as the inbox is not monitored.
We appreciate your loyalty as a consumer.
UPDATE: Reader JM writes in with this, from the Hershey website:
"Founded in the 1920s, the York Cone Company manufactured ice cream cones and waffles plus selected confectionery items in York, Pennsylvania. In 1940, YORK peppermint patties were introduced locally. Shortly thereafter, demand became so great that all other product lines were discontinued.
YORK peppermint patties were distributed only in the Northeast, Ohio, Indiana and Florida, and no consumer advertising was used until Peter Paul acquired the York Cone Company in July 1972. Production was expanded, and in 1975, the brand was launched nationally. In 1988, Hershey Foods Corporation acquired YORK peppermint patties as part of its purchase of Cadbury Schweppes' United States confectionery operations."
Posted by teb at 10:04 AM | Email this entry
June 24, 2008
News
-- From The Associated Press:
17 Pregnancies a 'Coincidence," Says Teen Mom
We just all happened to be incredibly stupid at the same time, she explained.
-- From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
Rhetorical gimmicks no substitute for oil exploration
Actually, wind power is promising.
-- From Bizjournals.com:
US Sugar reportedly selling 185000 acres to help Everglades
Sweet.
Posted by teb at 10:18 AM | Email this entry
June 23, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit Value Village. Which is neither valuable nor a village.
Be awakened in middle of night by revving motorcycles. Have Old Man Bartlett reaction (damn kids today, etc).
Shilly-shally
Make late-night run to Chik-Fil-A. Feel dirty.
Have odd conversation with stranger who, upon seeing Henry, says "Hey, I sure like to see reproduction in action." Umm ...
Posted by teb at 11:34 AM | Email this entry
June 20, 2008
PROs and CONS: Meetings
Pros:
-- Informative
-- Exciting
-- Fun
Cons:
-- Not long enough
-- Not frequent enough
-- Not sufficiently painful
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
June 19, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led sweet, sour people to this arrogant, amoral blog
-- “has tucker carlson ever done anything worthwhile”
getting cancelled was a start.
-- “william wordsworth/literally techniques”
Welcome, business majors.
-- “tom bartlette”
it’s the feminine me.
-- “markie post see thru”
She’s translucent now?
-- “tips writing with a baby”
-- “steve doocy shirtless”
Please no.
-- “Sorry”
That’s okay.
Posted by teb at 02:12 PM | Email this entry
June 18, 2008
Thoughts on the traditional bubble wand vs. the "Gazillion Bubbles" brand wand. This entry features multiple parenthetical clarifications and ends with an extremely cheap joke
First, a few facts. The traditional bubble wand has a single bubble opening, whereas the “Gazillion Bubbles” brand wand has many bubble openings (I guess “opening” is the right word. “Bubble hole” sounds weird). In theory, I guess, bubbles are good – why else would you purchase a wand? – and therefore more bubbles are better. But there is something unsatisfying about the Gazillion Bubbles wand. There are just too many bubbles. It’s overwhelming. Plus, part of the fun of the traditional bubble wand (at least for me) is the possibility of failure, i.e., sometimes no bubble is produced. With Gazillion Bubbles, you always get at least a few bubbles, often many more than a few (though not what I would deem a “gazillion”). Oddly, the sheer quantity of bubbles diminishes the quality of the experience. In other words, it blows.
Posted by teb at 12:53 PM | Email this entry
June 17, 2008
News
-- From ABC News:
Sen. Barack Obama has emerged from his bruising battle for the Democratic presidential nomination with only a six point lead over Sen. John McCain and claiming his Republican rival has been getting a "pass" from the media.
Or, to put it another way: 46-year-old African American freshman senator is already SIX POINTS ahead of one of the most famous politicians and war heroes of our time – and the race has barely even begun.
-- From MarketWatch:
Chiquita seeks to calm investors
Confidence has slipped as company loses appeal.
-- From the LA Times:
Gay marriages begin as California ruling takes effect
Society instantly collapses.
Posted by teb at 12:23 PM | Email this entry
June 16, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Ride steam train. Henry’s assessment: “Train! Big noise!”
Watch golf on high-def TV. Clearer and somehow even duller.
Snooze.
Feel excited by two-dollar-off toothpaste coupon. Resolve to lead more exciting life.
Clean cat hair from stair rug using small blade. Same as above.
Posted by teb at 01:13 PM | Email this entry
June 13, 2008
A Report From Toddler Music Class, pt. II
-- The teacher played her recently repaired guitar, which had been knocked over by a parent in another class. "It's never the kids," she said. "They're careful."
-- The parachute was brought out again to general acclaim.
-- After eagerly receiving a hand stamp from the teacher, a two-year-old immediately began licking it off.
-- An 11-month-old was clocked by an errant rubber ball. Seemed to recover quickly.
-- During the quiet time, when everyone is supposed to lie down and sing softly, Henry took center stage and demonstrated his funky, slow-groove moves.
Posted by teb at 10:29 AM | Email this entry
June 11, 2008
A brief, true story followed by a bad idea
Yesterday, I bought an air conditioner. As I was checking out, it began to rain. I decided to run to my car while holding the air conditioner, rather than pushing it in a cart, because this seemed faster. I also put my keys in my mouth. So I’m running across the parking lot, holding an air conditioner, my keys in my mouth, when I think: This should be an Olympic sport. It’s got everything – speed, coordination, timing. You’d lose points if your keys fell out of your mouth. If competitors tripped, they’d be disqualified. And so on.
It's as least as good as the one where you ski a long way and then shoot something.
Posted by teb at 02:05 PM | Email this entry
June 10, 2008
News
-- From The Boston Globe:
Elizabeth Edwards to have Obama's ear
[insert big-ear joke here]
-- From The Hickory Daily Record:
Obama pushes plan
In other news: Obama stating opinions
-- From Marketwatch:
So, it's no surprise that when the fallout from the subprime mortgage mess made the securities built from those toxic loans start wrecking balance sheets across Wall Street, Dick Fuld zigged when everyone else zagged.
That sounds dirty somehow.
Posted by teb at 10:59 AM | Email this entry
June 09, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit National Building Museum day after Clinton's concession. See workers carrying away "Hillary: We've Got Your Back!" posters.
Install window air-conditioning units. Wish they would invent some kind of, I don't know, "central" system.
Nap on floor, where it's cool.
Notice that Henry has added the word "now" to his favorite phrase: "Have it."
Melt.
Posted by teb at 10:40 AM | Email this entry
June 06, 2008
I will now, once again, describe the illustrations on boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea
Chamomile Mint Sleepytime Extra
A bear in a nightshirt and stocking cap has fallen asleep in his easy chair. On the table next to the chair is a lamp and an old-fashioned radio. The bear's head is tipped forward and his arms appear oddly rigid. Wait –- are we sure the bear's just asleep? What's in that tea anyway?
Teahouse Chai
A man is riding an elephant up the path of a snow-capped mountain. At the peak, there is a palace. The man is carrying a shovel. I hope he's also carrying a really big plastic bag.
Red Zinger
The sun is going down behind the ocean. Its magnificent rays reach out into the darkening sky. But what's this? Flowers are shooting out of the sun -- enormous, scary-looking flowers. Ahhh! Sun angry! Run!
Posted by teb at 01:29 PM | Email this entry
June 05, 2008
Things I Did While Waiting For Comcast To Fix My Internet Connection This Morning
-- Stared at "Server Not Found" message.
-- Hit "refresh" again and again.
-- Said "come on" in a low, threatening manner.
-- Cursed.
-- Rubbed forehead in agitation.
-- Felt helpless, like a child lost in the woods.
-- Wept.
Posted by teb at 11:37 AM | Email this entry
June 04, 2008
The look says it all
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
June 03, 2008
News
-- From The New York Daily News:
Bill Clinton boils over 'anger' charges
I'M PERFECTLY CALM!
-- From The Associated Press:
The man who designed the Pringles potato crisp packaging system was so proud of his accomplishment that a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the iconic cans.
Hey, these chips taste funny.
-- From The New York Times:
Cheney Apologizes to West Virginia
One down, 49 to go.
Posted by teb at 11:26 AM | Email this entry
June 02, 2008
Actual Phone Conversation
Me: "Hello."
Caller: "Why didn't you call me back?"
Me: "Because I was angry."
Caller: "You're the one who hung up!"
Me: "Well, what did you expect?"
Caller: "Wait. Who is this?"
Me: "I'm Tom."
Caller: "I'm sorry. I have the wrong number."
Me: "No problem."
Posted by teb at 01:09 PM | Email this entry