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July 31, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
China Angered by Lobbying on Rights
Yeah, basic human rights make me mad, too.
-- From the AP:
McCain camp compares Obama to Spears, Hilton
I'm surprised they didn't compare him to Rita Hayworth and Vivien Leigh.
-- Also from the AP:
McCain campaign accuses Obama of playing race card
They added that comparing him to two young white women was just a coincidence.
Posted by teb at 11:56 AM | Email this entry
July 30, 2008
I will now list some actual items with prices from the "Chasing Fireflies" kid's catalog followed by my reactions to those prices
Spiderweb t-shirt: $44
What?
Twig crayons: $150
[baffled look]
Baby unicorn gift basket: $110
No!
Sterling silver bubble wand: $198
You. are. kidding. me.
Personalized keepsake school bear: $240
$%&$-A
Posted by teb at 09:10 AM | Email this entry
July 29, 2008
This is a true hypothetical story
Let's say you've been stuck in traffic. Let's further say that, while stuck in traffic, you consumed one liter (1 QT, 1.8 FL OZ) of bottled water. If this were the case, you might be searching for, let us say, a pit stop. So you pull off the highway and begin looking. You pass manila office buildings, gated apartment complexes, and featureless storage units. Nothing. You grow increasingly desperate.
Then -- can it be? Yes! -- a Seven-Eleven, the convenience store that has been the salvation of many an overly hydrated traveler. You park and hurriedly walk in, certain that your prayers have been answered, that all will soon be right with the world. That is, until you see the sign, Sharpie-on-paper, affixed with tape to the Employees Only swinging door: "No Public Restrooms."
It is then that you realize: there is no God.
Posted by teb at 09:02 AM | Email this entry
July 28, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Chop down tree in backyard. Manage, just barely, to avoid crushing neighbor's car.
Spend hour looking at listings for houses I can't afford, i.e., real-estate porn.
Bask
Successfully use new ice-cream maker. Successfully eat the results.
Be amused that, when he soils himself, Henry will sometimes call out: "Fresh diaper please!"
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | Email this entry
July 25, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
Hole in Fuselage Forces Qantas Jet to Land
Yeah, that'll do it.
-- From Fox News:
McCain Ignored by Mainstream Press?
Asks mainstream press.
-- From the AP:
Catholics to pope: Lift the birth control ban
Pope to Catholics: Nah.
Posted by teb at 12:33 PM | Email this entry
July 24, 2008
What I learned this morning from the ADT security technician
-- He is extremely allergic to cats
-- "You hear that beeping? That's not good."
-- "If someone wanted to cut your telephone line, this is where they'd cut it."
-- "Basically, this code 94 -- actually, I'm not sure what that is."
-- George Foreman has a line of men's briefs.
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
July 23, 2008
OFF LEASH: On teamwork
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
So far the baby – if that is still the correct term for the small, bipedal being who sometimes “pets” me by vigorously tugging my ears – has proven of limited use. He cannot, for example, open the pull-tab on a can of ALPO Beef Selects. Or take me to the park. Or do much else of interest.
But he can, as it turns out, open the backyard gate. I learned this recently when he, of his own accord, flipped the latch, permitting me to dash out, down the driveway and across the street where -- surprised by my sudden freedom -- I happily peed.
Of course I returned. And now that this security flaw has been exposed it will no doubt be remedied. Still, it’s nice to have an ally.
Posted by teb at 12:13 PM | Email this entry
July 22, 2008
Actual Phone Conversation
Caller: Hello. May I speak to Henry Bartlett?
Me: Henry Bartlett?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Can I tell him who's calling?
Caller: Yes, I am calling from Wonder Time magazine regarding his subscription.
Me: Actually he's sleeping right now.
Caller: Okay, is there a good time for me to call back?
Me: Well, he takes a couple of naps a day. So it's hard to tell.
Caller: Okay.
Me: To be honest, I'm not sure how much help he's going to be.
Caller: Oh. Okay.
Me: He could tell you about his trucks. He really likes trucks.
Caller: I'll try back later.
Me: Okay.
Posted by teb at 09:14 AM | Email this entry
July 21, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Be reminded that water is necessary to sustain human life. Also, that heat stroke sucks.
Eat too many homemade chocolate-chip cookies. And by "too many" I mean "not enough."
Watch Tom Brokaw grill Al Gore for seemingly no reason.
Have last numeral of age change from "3" to "4"
Get hair cut by stylist named Gloretta who tells me she "can't stand indecisive people." Fortunately, I know what I want, hair-wise.
Posted by teb at 01:09 PM | Email this entry
July 17, 2008
The subtle shift in greetings from service workers as you drive north from NC to DC
Hi there, sweetie, how are you? What can I get for you today?
Hi, honey, what would you like?
Hey, what are we having?
Can I take your order?
What do you want?
What?
[vacant stare]
Posted by teb at 10:44 AM | Email this entry
July 15, 2008
News
-- From The San Francisco Chronicle:
No trace of cougar, no evidence of attack
The harmless, invisible cougar strikes again.
-- From Buzzflash:
Report: Bush officials "can't recall" details of Tillman, Lynch cases
I wonder if coercive interrogation might help.
-- From The New York Times:
Bush Acts on Drilling, Challenging Democrats
Maybe he should challenge them first.
Posted by teb at 12:55 PM | Email this entry
July 14, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go on five-mile hike with 25-pound baby. That last mile's a killer.
Order large sweet tea, y'all.
Get sunburned. Remember that I'm very, very white.
Purchase CD called "Banjos and Bagpipes." It is as advertised.
Sit in hot tub for three hours. Serve over wild rice.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
July 12, 2008
I will now summarize the front page of "The Avery Post," the local paper in the town we're visiting
-- A car struck a utility pole.
-- There were fireworks on July 4th.
-- A burglar who bears a "marked resemblance to actor Leonardo DiCaprio" was apprehended.
-- "Town Will Use Bicycles, Golf Carts"
-- Troy and Bette Clark won a motorcycle in the fire department's annual raffle.
-- A state official checked local gas pumps for possible price gouging. He wouldn't say what he found.
Posted by teb at 12:53 AM | Email this entry
July 11, 2008
Less Popular Mountain Trail Names
-- Heart Attack Loop
-- Sudden Fenceless Overlook
-- Rusty Fork
-- Furious Otter Cascades
-- Blister Cove
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry
July 10, 2008
Four Jokes From An Almost-Two-Year-Old
ATYO: Eat a car?
Adult: You don’t eat a car!
ATYO: Hahahaha.
ATYO: Eat a tree?
Adult: You don’t eat a tree!
ATYO: Hahahaha.
ATYO: Eat a fire truck?
Adult: You don’t eat a fire truck!
ATYO: Hahahaha.
ATYO: Eat an apple?
Adult: Do you want some apple?
ATYO: No. Hahahaha.
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
July 08, 2008
News
-- From The New York Times:
Fed to Clamp Down on Exotic and Subprime Loans
Horse gone. Close barn door.
-- From Newsweek:
Four Myths of Obama's Money Machine
1. Not actual machine.
-- From FOXNews:
Baby's Smile Has Addictive Drug-Like Qualities for Moms
Dude, don't bogart the baby.
Posted by teb at 12:47 PM | Email this entry
July 07, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Huey Lewis perform (on TV) as part of 4th of July celebration. Pretend not to enjoy it.
Find box of letters friends have sent over the years. Written on actual paper. With actual pens.
Fret
Venture into the attic, the place where most of our stuff lives.
Drag old, sodden, shag rug to curb. Also: it was green.
Posted by teb at 12:58 PM | Email this entry
July 03, 2008
How To Dry a Wet Cellar
1. Open the cellar doors so air can circulate.
2. Place a fan at the cellar's entrance.
3. Go away for a while.
4. Notice that it's raining.
5. Forget that the cellar doors are open.
6. Happen to walk by the cellar and see that it's now more or less flooded.
7. Curse softly.
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | Email this entry
July 02, 2008
News
-- From Xinhua:
French television channel France 3 has announced the launch of an internal investigation with a view to determining how an unofficial video showing an out-of-place President Nicolas Sarkozy ended up on the Internet.
They will also work to return the French president to place.
-- From the LA Times:
Poll: Voters fear John McCain will follow George Bush's policies
McCain: I will follow George Bush's policies
-- From FOX News:
Survey Finds US Leads World in Substance Abuse
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Posted by teb at 01:35 PM | Email this entry
July 01, 2008
This is a true story
A fly is loose in the kitchen. It is dive-bombing me noisily – bzzt! – while I'm trying to work on the computer. Okay, I’m not really working. I’m aimlessly reading blogs. But still.
I attempt to get him -- it, whatever -- with a rolled-up copy of New York (which is, by the way, a surprisingly terrific magazine). No luck. So I grab a bottle of the citrus spray we use to clean the counter. When my tormentor alights on the faucet, I spray. The fly hesitates, seemingly stunned, then takes off.
The next time the fly zooms past, I notice something: he is completely silent. The bzzt is gone. The fly has not been killed, only lubricated.
Posted by teb at 03:55 PM | Email this entry