August 28, 2008
OFF LEASH: On hints
"Off Leash" is an occasional column by Fiddler. Past columns can be found here.
Look, I know everyone is busy. There's work to be done, a baby to take care of, a house to clean, etc. The promise of modernity – i.e., that it would free humanity from mindless drudgery and lead to nearly unlimited leisure – was nothing more than a cruel hoax. I get that.
But when you see me near the back door, spinning in circles, whimpering anxiously, and doing a little four-legged tap dance on the hardwood floor, I'm trying to tell you something. Something very simple. Something that should not even need to be stated. But let me state it anyway:
I need to go out. Right now.
So if you could turn the knob for me, that would be great. If, you know, it's not too much trouble. Thanks a bunch.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry
August 27, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
Ted Stevens Wins Primary in Alaska
Um, do they not get the news up there?
-- From the NY Times:
Microsoft Adds Privacy Tools to Internet Explorer 8
Will help users deal with embarrassment of using Internet Explorer.
-- From BBC News:
Mugabe 'to form government alone'
Promises to rule himself with an iron fist.
Posted by teb at 08:17 AM | Email this entry
August 26, 2008
Public Service Announcement
Each morning millions of people all over the world make themselves fruit smoothies. Or thousands, certainly. Let's just say a bunch.
And yet few of them realize what can happen if you accidentally knock your cup of smoothie onto the floor. It can, for instance, splash onto your jeans. And your shirt. Also, onto the cabinet. In addition, some of the smoothie can end up on the ceiling.
Don't ask me how. It just can.
Consequently, I urge everyone to be cautious. One slip of the hand, a single, careless moment, can turn a breakfast treat into a messy disaster.
In conclusion, let me add that I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
Posted by teb at 10:05 AM | Email this entry
August 25, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch Henry play in fountain. Or, as he put it: "I have an idea -- run around in water, get wet."
Realize that new, getting-up-early schedule does not mesh well with old, stay-up-late schedule.
Ponder.
Shop for end-of-season porch furniture. Be overwhelmed by wicker.
Hear Spoon album at three-year-old's birthday party. Better than the Wiggles (though, honestly, I like them, too).
Posted by teb at 08:42 AM | Email this entry
August 21, 2008
Another insightful philosophical reflection
Let's say you're walking down a city street at night, searching for an unfamiliar address. You're annoyed because the place you're searching for isn't where it should be, or where you think it should be. You looked at Google maps and everything before you left; you even looked at the satellite view so you could see the actual building. But somehow it's not there.
You walk up and down the block a couple of times, puzzling over the addresses, wishing you had printed that Google map, feeling increasingly frustrated, not to mention hungry and generally distracted. Just then a jolt of pain shoots up your leg. You have slammed your ankle into one of those stupid iron borders that surround urban shrubbery.
It really hurt. Your leg is, in fact, bleeding.
Here's the question. What does it say about you in particular, or human nature more broadly, that your first thought isn't "Gee, I hope I didn't hurt myself too badly" but instead "I sure hope no one saw me do that"?
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
August 20, 2008
What I learned from the Plow & Hearth Annual End-of-Season sales catalog
-- Tinkling toad stools come in three sizes.
-- You can enjoy the "enchanting presence" of wildlife with this "durable polyresin owl."
-- Bird thermometers are on sale for 34-percent off.
-- Hand-glazed house shrooms add a "woodsy accent" to your home.
-- "Life-size boot has a shiny green glaze and bottom drainage holes."
-- "Bring birds inside your home for 30-percent less"
-- Looking for a memento of that most special day? Consider the "personalized wedding crock."
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
August 19, 2008
News
-- From the NY Times:
Despite Assurances, McCain Wasn’t in a ‘Cone of Silence’
Such a cone "doesn't exist," experts say.
-- From the Rocky Mountain News:
GOP to open 'war room' during DNC
Plan to occupy convention with no clear plan for withdrawal.
-- From CNN Money:
Staples Warns Of Challenges, Issues Weak Outlooks
Repeated pressing of "Easy" button not having desired effect.
Posted by teb at 09:06 AM | Email this entry
August 18, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go to beach. Neglect to put sunscreen on tops of feet. Pay for it next day.
See "Tropic Thunder," a movie that is still funny despite including disembowelment, panda murder, a knife-wielding toddler, and Tom Cruise.
Clean utility room, also known as "the place where stuff accumulates as if by magic."
Continue several-week process of removing tree stump from backyard. Consider explosives.
Eat "crab flavored" chips. Regret it almost immediately.
Posted by teb at 10:57 AM | Email this entry
August 15, 2008
Three book reviews
Winnie the Pooh's Sleepytime Hum
I imagine that, at some point, the people who own the rights to Winnie the Pooh got together and said: "Hey, now that A.A. Milne is dead, let's write more stories using his characters, only without any trace of wit or heart." Mission accomplished!
Baby Fozzie Visits the Doctor
Naturally, Baby Fozzie is apprehensive about a visit to the doctor. But once he gets there, he discovers that the doctor is a hilarious man who wears joke glasses (with a funny nose and mustache!) and who, when the examination is over, allows Baby Fozzie to select a toy from a special prize box. This book does a terrific job of creating realistic expectations for young children regarding medical care.
More!
A shrill, demanding boy stomps upstairs when one of his many, many demands isn't met. Then a talking lion whisks him away to a magical world where all his dreams come true. Later, he returns to his home and his mother gives him a big hug. Moral: Act like a jerk and everything will turn out just super.
Posted by teb at 01:23 PM | Email this entry
August 14, 2008
News
-- From MacWorld:
Facebook continues to dominate social networking sites
Cue Friendster-like downfall in 3-2-1 ...
-- From Business Week:
Price increases boost JM Smucker 1Q results
They were in a jam before. Har.
-- From CNN:
Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, projects that housing prices could bottom out in 2009 - or maybe later - according to a news report.
Or not, he added.
Posted by teb at 09:32 AM | Email this entry
August 13, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Cheerios
Dear Cheerios,
First of all, let me say how much I love your product. Day or night, dry or swimming in milk, your toasted whole-grain oat cereal hits the spot. Every time!
Anyway. We eat a lot of Cheerios in our household. I consume -- I kid you not -- about three bowls a day. My almost-two-year-old son pops Cheerios like an addict. What I'm wondering is: should we try to cut back? Can you "o"verdose (get it?) on Cheerios? How much is too much?
Also, do you offer any bulk discounts?
"o"ver and out,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Mr. Bartlett:
Thank you for contacting General Mills with your inquiry.
Unfortunately, we do not have specific recommendations for you as we are not trained medically. We recommend checking further with your medical provider for your specific nutritional requirements.
On a one time basis as a gesture of goodwill, we will send you some cents off certificates to the address that you have provided. You should receive these in 7 to 10 business days.
We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.
Sincerely,
Nancy Jackson
Consumer Services
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry
August 12, 2008
Conversation between almost-two-year-old and mom
ATYO: Have a mint.
MOM: Not right now. You can have one when we get home.
ATYO: Have a mint right now.
MOM: I can't get them right now.
ATYO: Reach in the bag, get a mint, put it back in mouth.
MOM: That's good. That's how you get a mint.
ATYO: Mama do it. Have a mint?
MOM: You're very smart. But no.
Posted by teb at 08:56 AM | Email this entry
August 11, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch recording of Olympic opening ceremonies. Find it hard not to be impressed. Try anyway.
Spend rare baby-free afternoon browsing used bookstores, art gallery. Remember time in distant past when this wasn't such a big deal.
Laze.
Try new restaurant where employees are almost creepily friendly. I just want some food – not, like, a massage or anything.
Clean stairs with comb. Stupid pet hair.
Posted by teb at 11:41 AM | Email this entry
August 08, 2008
A true hypothetical story
Let's say it is raining. And let's further say that you decide, perhaps unwisely, to retrieve something from your car, which is parked only a few feet from your back door. As you dash to the car, you realize that this is not an ordinary thunderstorm, but rather a freak summer hailstorm. You are getting both soaked and pelted.
Item retrieved, you run back to the house and try the knob. It does not turn. You realize you are standing outside in a hailstorm with no jacket and no umbrella. The person who could help you is, at that moment, upstairs putting an almost-two-year-old down for his nap. You feel, shall we say, stupid.
Before running to the shed for shelter, you try the door again and discover it wasn't locked after all, only stuck. Less than five minutes later, the storm has passed. You are still wet.
Posted by teb at 11:48 AM | Email this entry
August 07, 2008
PROS and CONS: Apples
PROS:
-- Pie
-- Tart
-- Fritter
CONS:
-- Juice
-- Jelly
-- Sauce
Posted by teb at 12:09 PM | Email this entry
August 06, 2008
Things I suspect the guy at the parking garage thinks when he's parking my car
-- Can the seat possibly be any closer to the wheel? Is he hugging the thing or what?
-- Listening to Belle and Sebastian again. Not exactly a man's man, is he?
-- What's that smell? Bananas? Aftershave? Both?
-- Seriously, whose legs are this short?
-- Yeah, thanks for dollar tip, hot shot.
Posted by teb at 09:58 AM | Email this entry
August 05, 2008
News
-- From the AP:
John A. "Junior" Gotti has been arrested on charges linking him to three New York murders, a law enforcement official said Tuesday.
You don't want one of those "I'm definitely guilty" names.
-- From the Boston Globe:
Barack Obama and John McCain continue to hammer each other today on energy policy, both knowing that high gas prices have the attention of voters.
Pausing only to refuel their enormous planes.
-- From the NY Times:
McCain Woos Bikers
Meanwhile, Obama is trying to lock down the all-important skater vote.
Posted by teb at 12:21 PM | Email this entry
August 04, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch as a too-tall truck accidentally tears down five phone/cable lines on my street. Then drives off.
Break iPod headphones. Wonder how I'll survive without content being pumped into my ears at all times.
Finish installing kitchen back splash. That only took me, oh, six months.
Read this article about trolls. I prefer the under-the-bridge kind.
Kill six mosquitos in laundry room WITH BARE HANDS.
Posted by teb at 11:09 AM | Email this entry
August 01, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led clean, articulate people to this local, non-profit blog
-- "picture of a person licking a block of cheese"
Whatever works for you, man.
-- "tom bartlett home improvement"
My home does need improving ...
-- "are febreze noticeables safe for children"
They're the perfect snack!
-- "ikea ask anna feature is bogus live help"
Hold on -- she's not real?
-- "computer game i'm dying of starvation i'm bloated"
New for the PS3!
-- "as sad as a"
half-finished thought.
-- "i know my shapes."
Stop bragging.
-- "french bistro table dog clip art"
It starts out sophisticated, and then becomes less so.
-- "how to kill a sick man"
Wait.
Posted by teb at 11:01 AM | Email this entry