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September 30, 2008
News
-- From Bloomberg:
Consumer Confidence in US Unexpectedly Increased in September
Yeah, I'm gonna guess that's changed.
-- From The Week:
Biden won't moose-bait Palin
Phew. I was worried he might.
-- From BBC News:
Glass to make opera about Disney
Will be repetitive and saccharine.
Posted by teb at 10:58 AM | Email this entry
September 29, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Paint the awful, awful lime green trim on the stairs. Why did we wait four years to do that?
Nod politely when old woman in store says, re Henry: "She has such fair skin!"
Wonder if Palin's Couric interview was an attempt to lower expectations for Thursday's debate. If so: nicely done.
Flex.
Clean catboxes after I-don't-know-how-long. Sorry, cats.
Posted by teb at 01:41 AM | Email this entry
September 26, 2008
What to write inside "I'm thinking of you ..." greeting cards to make them more creepy
... very late at night.
... over and over again.
... when I'm alone.
... inside my fevered brain.
... while chanting your name.
... and staring at your photograph.
... if you know what I mean.
Posted by teb at 10:49 AM | Email this entry
September 25, 2008
A chapter summary of the novel “Charles In-Charge, Again” (Scholastic, 1987), based on the popular television program starring Scott Baio
As the book opens, Charles and his appropriately named sidekick Buddy are returning from a vacation in the mountains. The amount of time they have been gone is not specified (a weekend? A month? Longer?). However, upon their return, they discover that things have changed.
The Pembrokes -- the family Charles is “in-charge” of -- are moving to Seattle. Consequently, they will be renting their house to the Powells, all of whom, Mrs. Pembroke assures Charles, are “very nice.”
We also learn that Buddy has been wearing a fake cast in order to attract sympathy from women he's interested in dating. Mrs. Pembroke, rather than chastising Buddy for his deception, confesses that she once stuffed her bra.
In our next installment: Will Charles stay in the house now that it has changed hands, or will he get an apartment with his injury-faking friend?
Posted by teb at 01:22 PM | Email this entry
September 24, 2008
News
-- From E! Online:
Clay Aiken Comes Out
Wait – he was in?
-- From the NY Times:
Economy Overshadows Bush’s Agenda as His Term Winds Down
Wait – he has an agenda?
-- From One News Now:
McCain urged to 'pin the tail on the donkey'
Blindfolded candidate responds: "This isn't funny, guys."
Posted by teb at 12:39 PM | Email this entry
September 23, 2008
Thoughts on my current cold, in chronological order
There's no way I have a cold.
It's probably allergies.
Bad allergies, but still.
I have a touch of something, but I'll fight it off.
A little sick, sure, but I'll be fine in the morning.
Nothing some DayQuil can't fix.
Ugh.
Kill me.
Please.
Posted by teb at 12:51 PM | Email this entry
September 22, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch opening of Emmy awards. Reality sucks; gimme fiction.
Nod as Jiffy Lube guy explains the rear differential. Have no clue what he's talking about.
Continue reading appreciations of DFW. Mostly lame. Worthy ones here and here.
Read autobio of billionaire. Just because you're rich doesn't mean you're interesting.
Agree with Henry that "It's a pretty nice day."
Posted by teb at 02:17 PM | Email this entry
September 19, 2008
Morning Symphony: A Poem
The coarse words
Of the city worker
Outside my window
The electric bzzt
Of the mosquito
Circling my ear
The violent retch
Of a beloved cat
Beneath my bed
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
September 18, 2008
What I learned from a longish profile of Christie Brinkley in New York magazine
-- She thinks she's best-known for her environmental work.
-- She's unbelievably rich.
-- She's been relearning to surf.
-- She says "wow" a lot.
-- She doesn't consider herself thin.
-- She loves America. Especially the coastline.
-- According to one source, she is a "believable human being."
Posted by teb at 01:07 PM | Email this entry
September 17, 2008
Thoughts on aging from the 60-ish guy sitting next to me at the barbershop
Guy: “There are no more mysteries. I know everything I need to know. Things happen. There’s nothing you can do about it. That’s what I like about getting to this stage in life. I understand things and I appreciate them”.
Barber: “That’s nice.”
Guy: “The physical systems are failing, though.”
Barber: “Really?”
Guy: “Oh yeah. Look at me – I’m decrepit as hell.”
Posted by teb at 04:46 PM | Email this entry
September 16, 2008
News
-- From the AP:
McCain: Commission should look at economic crisis
Ooh! A commission! Problem solved!
-- Also from the AP:
Barbra Streisand headlines fundraiser for Obama
Democrats. Democrats who need … money … are the luckiest Democrats …
-- From CNN:
Palin charms American heartland
American headland still unimpressed.
Posted by teb at 10:43 AM | Email this entry
September 15, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Find out that the funniest/smartest/footnote-iest writer in the country offed himself. The guy who wrote this and this. Also, see him here.*
Change flat tire. Check task off man list.
Have cup of twig tea. Like regular tea, only twiggier.
Watch Tina Fey's dead-on Sarah Palin impression. Feel slightly better about world.
Hear gunshots. Consider buying place in country.
*sad
Posted by teb at 06:54 PM | Email this entry
September 12, 2008
These Things Occur To Me Mid-Shower
Have I shampooed my hair yet, or did I just wet it? I guess I could re-shampoo it. No harm, no foul. Although I wish I didn't have to use this Herbal Essence with rose hips and jojoba. I bet "jojoba" isn't even a real ingredient; it just sounds all tropical and exotic. Ooh, now with jojoba! Please. They really think we're suckers, don't they? Jojoba. Come on!
I want manly shampoo with, like, pumice and paint stripper. Something tough. No more of this la-la-la flower-scented stuff. I don't want my hair to smell nice. I don't want my hair to smell at all. Unless it's, say, peppermint.
Posted by teb at 01:23 PM | Email this entry
September 11, 2008
Actual phone conversation I had this morning
Caller With Foreign Accent: Hello. I would like to speak to Tom Bartlett.
Me: May I tell him who's calling?
CWFA: This is Sum Technologies.
Me: Yeah, but who are you?
CWFA: I am David from Brooklyn.
Me: Really? What part of Brooklyn?
CWFA: We have over 10,000 coupons ...
Me: No. What part of Brooklyn are you from? I'm curious.
CWFA: ... and we'd like to offer you ...
Me: First tell me what part of Brooklyn you're from.
CWFA: You are $%&*#.
Me: Park Slope, maybe?
CWFA: [dial tone]
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
September 10, 2008
News
-- From MTV News:
Can Britney Spears Ever Be 'Britney Spears' Again?
Dude, you just blew my mind.
-- From eFluxMedia:
The Risk of Obesity Can Be Blunted Through Regular Physical Activity
Now they tell us.
-- Actual Drudge headline:
"World did not end …"
Developing ...
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
September 09, 2008
Actual differences between pit bulls and hockey moms
-- A hockey mom’s jaws are not particularly powerful.
-- A pit bull cannot drive a minivan.
-- Michael Vick was not holding illegal hockey mom fights.
-- Pit bulls cannot give birth to human children.
-- No jurisdiction currently bans hockey moms.
Posted by teb at 12:59 PM | Email this entry
September 08, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Canoe on ankle-deep river. Simpler just to walk.
Drive to cabin out of GPS range. Feel helpless without electronic lady voice.
Slumber
Watch "No Country for Old Men." Challenge strangers to coin flip.
Hear two-year-old remark: "I like mama and books." Agree on both counts.
Posted by teb at 10:07 AM | Email this entry
September 05, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led smooth, sweaty people to this bitter, backwoods blog
-- "removing tree stumps with jelly"
effective and tasty.
-- "markie post and hilary Clinton"
Please no.
-- "thomas bartlett mug shot"
It wasn't me, I swear.
-- "summarization of a hug from a teenage boy"
Awkward.
-- "are forks better than spoons"
For self-defense.
-- "celebrity bangs"
You're talking about hair, right?
-- "cons of babies"
See also: toddler swindles
Posted by teb at 09:07 AM | Email this entry
September 04, 2008
An Open Letter to my Gastrointestinal Tract
Let me start by saying how sorry I am. Last night, when I downed a couple of greasy spring rolls, followed up by barbecue, mashed potatoes, a cookie, and half a beer, I knew I wasn't doing you any favors. And I regretted it almost immediately.
I don't blame you for getting upset. I know you're sensitive. This wasn't your fault -- it was mine.
While I can't undo the past, I can strive to do better in the future. So, on that note, who wants some yogurt? Or herbal tea? How about a breakfast taco?
Kidding about that last one. Sorry.
Sincerely,
The rest of me
Posted by teb at 09:05 AM | Email this entry
September 03, 2008
News
-- From the Independent:
McCain's his own man, says Bush
Unlike me, the president added.
-- From the NY Times:
Coca-Cola buys Chinese juice maker for $2.5 billion
Shouldn't that be the other way around?
-- From NY Daily News:
BABY DADDY IS 'PSYCHED' TO BE A FATHER, SAYS PAL
Teen is "stoked" about end of social life.
Posted by teb at 08:49 AM | Email this entry
September 02, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Worry that Apple has permanently devalued the word "genius."
Eat mushroom fajitas at Austin Grill. Pine for the actual Austin.
Ride Metro with almost-two-year-old who really, really likes tunnels for some reason.
Consider adopting Rafael Nadal's sleeveless look.
Become convinced that Joe Biden fathered Sarah Palin's baby.
Posted by teb at 10:35 AM | Email this entry