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October 31, 2008
Excuses for why that book I checked out from the library is, like, six weeks overdue
-- I'm a super slow reader.
-- I couldn't figure out that "book drop" thing, what with the little metal flap and such.
-- What is time, really? Know what I'm sayin'?
-- See, I was gonna bring it back, but then, um, uh *runs away*
-- Oh ... I thought it was a gift.
Posted by teb at 12:53 PM | Email this entry
October 30, 2008
Love: A Timeline
So you meet someone. You date for a while, then you get engaged. You invite all your friends and family to the wedding. You rent an apartment together. Later, you buy a house. You have a kid.
Early on, your conversations are about your feelings. Over time, and out of necessity, they become more practical, though you still make time for heart-to-hearts.
Then there comes a moment -- about ten years into the marriage -- when you're forced to say the following: "I'm sure I heard the cat throw up this morning, I just don't know where."
Posted by teb at 11:28 AM | Email this entry
October 29, 2008
How to Wake Up
1. Set the alarm on your phone the night before.
2. Place the phone across the room so that you'll actually have to get out of bed in order to silence it.
3. When it goes off the next morning, leap from your bed and unplug it.
4. Go back to bed. Take the phone with you.
5. When it goes off again, five minutes later, hit snooze.
6. Hit snooze.
7. Hit snooze.
8. Hit snooze.
9. Decide to get up.
10. Hit snooze.
Posted by teb at 11:27 AM | Email this entry
October 28, 2008
News
-- From the Arizona Republic:
Mirror is best way to spot a socialist
They have no reflection.
-- From Forbes:
Savient Sinks On Safety
But rises on alliteration.
-- From the Orlando Sentinel:
Ex-President Clinton to join Obama in Kissimmee
I think he'd settle for supportimmee.
Posted by teb at 10:51 AM | Email this entry
October 27, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Recover from flu shot. Next time I'll take my chances with the real thing.
Try new "Soup Man" place. Apparently "Soup Nazi" was too inflammatory.
Search for plug at Starbucks. Your coffee sucks; at least let me recharge my laptop.
Idle.
See "The Playboy of the Western World" at Kennedy Center. Less nudity than I'd hoped for.
Posted by teb at 11:55 AM | Email this entry
October 23, 2008
What I learned from the Fisher-Price holiday catalog
Each Snuggle Kins comes with a handy mat and extra diaper.
Height-adjustable hoop rewards baskets with "signature voice phrases from ESPN announcer Dick Vitale!"
"Sitting babies can drop balls through mommy polar bear's hands."
"Manny responds with fun phrases in English and Spanish."
At the Bethlehem Inn play set "there's always room for fun and imagination!"
Posted by teb at 12:06 PM | Email this entry
October 22, 2008
Leaves. How I hate you.
You think you’re so golden and beautiful, a symbol of the changing seasons, the passage of time. But you know what I think you are? Trash. That’s right, I said it. You are trash that hangs most of the year in the trees waiting to rain down on my yard where you’ll stay for several weeks until I decide to waste a Saturday raking you up. I’ll have to place you in enormous garbage bags (which is a total pain) and then drag those bags to the sidewalk, where they’ll inevitably be blown over, spilling their leafy contents, which means I’ll have to rake you up again, cursing the whole time and wishing you would never come back. But I know you will! Because you suck!
Plus, you make me sneeze. Screw you, leaves.
Posted by teb at 01:33 PM | Email this entry
October 21, 2008
News
-- From US News:
Got an STD? Inform Your Partners by E-Card
The animated gif will cushion the blow.
-- From Fox News:
Rich vs. Poor
I've got my money on Rich.
-- From the AP:
Obama says McCain offers 'willful ignorance'
In fairness, I think he offers plain old ignorance, too.
Posted by teb at 04:35 PM | Email this entry
October 20, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Buy new jacket one day. Return it next. Stupid sleeves.
Visit farmer's market. Spend $17 on, like, four tomatoes and three apples.
Read Gladwell's article about late bloomers. There's hope for my fine art career yet.
Snaffle.
Finish box of Flax Plus Multigrain Cereal. Good, but sadly no marshmallows.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
October 17, 2008
MT Index
Total number of hours spent on a plane in the past week: 16
Percentage of that time that I got stuck with the middle seat: 100.
Number of minutes I waited impatiently at the wrong bag-return carousel: 12
How annoying it is, on a scale of 1 to 10, that US Airways no longer offers free beverages: 8.5
Number of times the elderly woman seated next to me elbowed me in the ribs: 3
Number of times she said "excuse me" or "whoops" or "sorry": 0
How glad I am, on a scale of 1 to 10, not to be leaving the sweet, sweet ground anytime soon: 10
Posted by teb at 01:52 PM | Email this entry
October 16, 2008
What I learned from SkyMall
"Boxing Grannies" are not suitable for children.
The woman using the rope ladder to escape from her burning house appears unfazed.
The lifesize WWII replica propeller is "grand."
The backyard dog agility course encourages dogs to run.
"Dry toilet paper is irritating and ineffective"
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry
October 14, 2008
News
-- From USA Today:
McCain to offer new economic plan
Interesting.
-- From the NY Times:
No New Economic Proposal Expected From McCain
Wha?
-- From MSNBC
Obama: McCain 'erratic and uncertain'
Ah.
Posted by teb at 10:37 AM | Email this entry
October 13, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Discover that water is necessary to sustain life. Who knew?
Re-watch last week's debate, my friends. I'm wonky.
Huff and puff on final stretch of run. That's why they call it Mount Rainier.
Plunk.
Make instant mashed potatoes. Be unduly proud of self.
Posted by teb at 03:51 PM | Email this entry
October 10, 2008
If the Hampton Inn's continental breakfast had a waiter …
On today's menu is a lukewarm circle of egg, which can be served on either a slice of wonderbread or a two-day-old bagel. We also have a tiny box of Cheerios in a ridiculous paper bowl with an annoyingly shallow plastic spoon. For fruit, you can choose either a not-ripe-yet green banana or some limp, watery peaches served in the same ridiculous paper bowl we use for the Cheerios. Can I get you started with some nasty coffee?
Posted by teb at 09:17 AM | Email this entry
October 09, 2008
Snide Comments That Toddlers Totally Won't Get
Um, yeah, the juice is in the fridge. That's pretty much where we keep it.
Ooh. I've never seen anyone spin before. That's amazing.
Yes, I'd love to read this book for the tenth time today.
Somebody soiled themselves. I'm not saying who, but I have a guess.
I believe Tigger has grown weary of your shenanigans.
Posted by teb at 12:43 PM | Email this entry
October 08, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led giddy, glad-handing people to this tenuous, treacherous blog
-- "the lucas boy"
is at it again.
-- "sounds like a dog barking in a sack"
You would know this … how?
-- "how to make tea in a microwave?"
First, steal a microwave …
-- "how much money do gatorade consumers make?"
I'm guessing it varies.
-- "how pronounce camille paglia"
I believe it's pronounced "crazy person."
-- "you suck football game cnn news to me"
Yeah, take that football game cnn news.
-- "spelling of 3-month-olds"
is notoriously lousy.
Posted by teb at 02:10 PM | Email this entry
October 07, 2008
News
-- From KOAA:
Non-traditional pets raising red flags
Showoffs.
-- From USA Today:
Disney Cruise Line to offer first cruises to Northern Europe
Welcome to Finland-land.
-- From Politicker:
Dukakis: Obama running a ‘much better campaign’ than I did in ‘88
Add a few more "muchs," Mike.
Posted by teb at 11:16 AM | Email this entry
October 06, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit warehouse full of antique knickknacks. Also known as: worst place ever to bring toddler.
See hippy teenager wearing McCain/Palin sticker. Really?
Jog around wealthy neighborhood. Decide that being rich wouldn’t be so bad.
Trifle.
Have chicken-and-mushroom pastie, mushy peas, and black tea for lunch. Righto.
Posted by teb at 02:17 PM | Email this entry
October 03, 2008
PROS and CONS: Squirrels
PROS:
-- Fluffy
-- Scampery
-- Easy to run over
CONS:
-- Ratty
-- Nibbly
-- Stealing your nuts
Posted by teb at 03:18 PM | Email this entry
October 02, 2008
In which a two-year-old issues a linguistic slapdown
Two-Year-Old: "Papa, what's this?
Father of Two-Year-Old: "That's a, uh -- it's a pinchy thing. You use it to pick up stuff."
Two-Year-Old: "It's tongs."
Posted by teb at 01:24 PM | Email this entry
October 01, 2008
What I learned from the Pottery Barn kids catalog
-- The Flower Princess costume includes cape and headband.
-- The Banana costume is imprinted with the words "Certified Organic."
-- The toy fridge has adjustable shelves and a faux thermometer.
-- The play table will "support your child's play."
-- The tepee cuckoo clock is a "fun design element."
-- The metal tea set comes inside a metal picnic-basket box that can be personalized.
Posted by teb at 10:11 AM | Email this entry