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November 27, 2008
Forgotten Yogurt Cup: A Poem
Abandoned
In the trunk
You languished
There
Buried
Beneath a coat
Unrefrigerated
Unlucky
Unloved
Your sell by
Oh my
You are way past it
Posted by teb at 11:44 AM | Email this entry
November 26, 2008
A toddler reviews the songs of rapper/would-be crooner Kanye West
-- “Love Lockdown”
Pumps fists, stomps around. Seems especially pleased by the drums on the chorus.
-- “Family Business”
“This is good music.”
-- “Stronger”
Disturbed at first by the robot voice intro, but settles into it.
-- “Jesus Walks”
Waves arms, tilts head to one side.
-- “Good Life” feat. T-Pain
“Turn off the music! Right now!”
Posted by teb at 12:32 PM | Email this entry
November 25, 2008
News
-- From the AP:
Astronauts tinker with urine-to-water machine
Tinker? Really?
-- From the Jerusalem Post:
Jordan seals nuclear deal with China
I didn't even know he ... oh, the country.
-- From FluxMedia:
Chinese State Media Is Against New Guns N’ Roses Album
That makes two of us.
Posted by teb at 09:00 AM | Email this entry
November 24, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Spend $160 on groceries yet still have nothing to eat. How does that happen?
Walk dog on frigid morning. Remember why cats are better.
Locate trench coat and pork-pie hat for Great Depression II.
Susurrate.
Let toddler have some milk in a regular (non-sippy) cup. Regret it almost immediately.
Posted by teb at 12:32 PM | Email this entry
November 21, 2008
What I learned from the grandinroad holiday catalog
-- "Impressively sized reindeer look like hand-carved wood."
-- The pre-lit gold cone trees add a sophisticated touch.
-- "Our Personalized Fireplace Grate accepts your name or customized saying."
-- The handcrafted totes are inspired by lizards.
-- "Sometimes you just need to go over the top – and our Cascading Garland will take you there."
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
November 20, 2008
A template for all of my discussions with the people fixing my car, plumbing, heating system, etc.
Me: [something knowledgeable-sounding but actually ignorant]
Tradesperson: [something I don't understand]
Me: [something vaguely skeptical of the thing I don't understand]
Tradesperson: [more things I don't understand]
Me: [cross arms and nod, trying not to appear befuddled]
Tradesperson: [more things I don't understand]
Me: Sounds good.
Tradesperson: That'll be $600, please.
Posted by teb at 02:48 PM | Email this entry
November 19, 2008
Facebook status updates likely to arouse suspicion
… shouldn't drink when he's angry.
… is dragging something.
… is casting his eyes about furtively.
… prays he doesn't get pulled over.
… is on a secluded bridge.
… wonders if seltzer water really does remove blood stains.
… is whistling like nothing happened.
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
November 18, 2008
News
-- From CNBC:
Congress To Big Three: Get Your Act Together!
Big Three to Congress: Ditto!
-- From Fox News:
Bill Clinton's Foreign Affairs Could Cost Hillary Secretary Post
I thought they were all domestic.
-- From CNN:
How astronauts stay fit, on and off the planet
Tang. Lots and lots of Tang.
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
November 17, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Drop off wife, kid, and two enormous suitcases at airport.
Walk around empty house. Sob.
Recover. Realize you can do whatever you want! Oh yeah!
Try to figure out what it is you want to do.
Discover that it mostly involves eating Pepperidge Farm Snack Sticks and re-watching episodes of 30 Rock.
Posted by teb at 02:19 PM | Email this entry
November 13, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led poor, poor people to this rich, rich blog
-- "how many time per day does must an old english sheepdog allowed to urinate and pass stoles"
Are we talking mink stoles or what?
-- "why does james frey capitalize nouns"
Because he's Pretentious and a Fraud.
-- "cons of child leashes"
None. Seriously. They're awesome.
-- "how koala bear defends itself"
it uses its natural cuteness.
-- "things to write in thinking of you cards"
-- "spoon and fork differences"
If you're not sure, try the "jab test."
Posted by teb at 01:14 PM | Email this entry
November 12, 2008
PROS and CONS: Toddlers
PROS:
-- Washable
-- Tossable
-- Easy to fool
CONS:
-- Talky
-- Bitey
-- Eat all your cheese
Posted by teb at 12:03 PM | Email this entry
November 11, 2008
News
-- From the Boston Globe:
Palin presses her case
And by "case" she means Louis Vuitton handbag.
-- From CNN:
Ted Turner: 'I'm not chased by demons'
Good to know.
-- From CNN:
Obama launches Web site to reach public
Ah, so that's why he did it.
Posted by teb at 02:12 PM | Email this entry
November 10, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Wash jeans. With wallet still in pocket.
Discover that they don’t have ketchup at Teaism. Dude, how else am I gonna choke down this veggie burger?
Fillip.
Wonder what happens if you just decide not to rake.
Read right-wing bloggers dealing with post-election blues. Ha ha.
Posted by teb at 11:49 AM | Email this entry
November 07, 2008
This is a true hypothetical story
Let's say you're washing a sippy cup. As you're washing the sippy cup, a toddler – for whom, incidentally, the sippy cup is being washed – is hitting you on the leg with a large metal spoon.
The following conversation ensues:
You: "Please don't do that, buddy."
Toddler: [hits]
You: "Seriously. Not cool."
Toddler: [hits]
You: "Hey, we don't hit."
Toddler: [hits]
At which point you squirt the vicious, pint-sized assailant with the sink sprayer. The toddler is momentarily stunned and ceases his aggression. You almost feel bad. And then the toddler screams delightedly: "Do it again! Do it again!"
Posted by teb at 12:19 PM | Email this entry
November 06, 2008
News
-- From the TimesOnline UK:
President Bush: America should be proud of Barack Obama
He added, "Of me, though, not so much."
-- From CNN:
White House: Mideast peace deal 'unlikely' soon
Oh, and here I thought that was almost wrapped up.
-- From the AP:
Pope meets with Muslims, urges better ties
Muslims, in turn, urge better hats.
Posted by teb at 01:02 PM | Email this entry
November 05, 2008
An historic night
As the votes were counted, and the results went from likely to certain, the enormity of what we were witnessing began to sink in. Was this really happening? We rubbed our eyes. We pinched ourselves. We pinched each other. We pinched each other back. There was a lot of pinching.
But it wasn’t a dream, it was a glorious reality: Joe Biden had become the first Delawarean elected to national office.
Hard to believe, but true. There was no denying it. So we all asked ourselves: If a man from Delaware, our nation’s crappiest state, can ascend to the second-highest office in the land, is anything really impossible?
Yes, actually. Plenty of things. Still, though – pretty cool.
Posted by teb at 12:12 PM | Email this entry
November 04, 2008
Things I Imagine Might Taste Ever-So-Slightly Better Than Stale "Organic Ginger Snap" Cookies
-- Poker chips
-- Bark
-- Those clay discs you shoot with shotguns
-- Dog biscuits
-- Fresh organic ginger snap cookies
Posted by teb at 08:53 AM | Email this entry
November 03, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Watch "Back to the Future" for the first time since the eighties. Be kinda disturbed by the incest motif.
Visit farmer's market. You want HOW MUCH for a tomato?!?
Demur.
Be unable to stop reading state polls. Is this thing over yet?
Swipe two-year-old's trick-or-treating candy. As easy as saying suggests.
Posted by teb at 10:04 AM | Email this entry