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December 30, 2008
I Will Now Answer Unanswered Wiki Questions
-- Do all novels HAVE to be 500 pages at the least?
No. Some can be 400.
-- What do you do with your girlfriend?
You play checkers with her. "Checkers" is slang for "Parcheesi."
-- Is there a cat heaven?
It's called hell.
-- Why can't I sleep when I think about you?
Because I'm high in caffeine.
-- Is Dave cool?
Nah.
-- How do you create a bearville for your bear?
First, get a ville. Second, put your bear in it.
-- Fluff is cook?
Yes.
Posted by teb at 11:22 PM | Email this entry
December 29, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Have couch rejected as too ratty by Goodwill. Salvation Army's standards are, apparently, less exacting.
Notice that, like cats, toddlers enjoy the boxes as much as the presents.
Realize that the theme from the "New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" is stuck in your head. Worry that that's a bad sign.
Frazzle.
Paint room with "desert plateau" from the "suede" family of Ralph Lauren colors. Beige, in other words.
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
December 27, 2008
Three things I've said recently that, upon reflection, I should definitely have kept to myself
"You know what they do with juicer manuals that don’t sell? They pulp 'em."
After seeing a dictionary of foreign terms: "There's no need to read it all the way through -- you can just begin in medias res."
"You know what they call an owl mystery novel? A hoot done it."
Posted by teb at 05:15 PM | Email this entry
December 25, 2008
Christmas instructions mash-up
-- Why is my juicer clogged?
Make sure the pressure seal between the tire gauge and the valve stem is free from any leaks.
-- What is the diameter of the feed chute?
Unit of measurement and target numbers for both tires light up and stay for about two seconds.
-- How can I get berry juice to come out of the receptacle?
Press "set" button to activate all digits until "0.0" appears (Default unit of measurement is PSI).
-- How can I make smoothies if you cannot add milk or bananas to the power juicer?
Hold gauge on valve stem until you hear a "beep."
Posted by teb at 02:44 PM | Email this entry
December 24, 2008
PROS and CONS: Winnie the Pooh
PROS:
-- Willy
-- Nilly
-- Silly
CONS:
-- Gullible
-- Danger prone
-- Fat
Posted by teb at 11:25 AM | Email this entry
December 23, 2008
News
-- From the Mormon Times:
What will you give Jesus for Christmas?
He's so hard to shop for.
-- From Reuters:
EXCLUSIVE-Drastic discounts appeal to holiday shoppers
You heard it here first.
-- From the Christian Science Monitor:
Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas?
I prefer "Winter Wishes."
Posted by teb at 09:33 AM | Email this entry
December 22, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Eat at very average Mexican restaurant. They call queso "cheese dip."
Listen to album of Bach concertos as played on a synthesizer. Somehow makes even genius sound lame.
Ensconce.
Drop off plastic toys at Goodwill. Purchase more plastic toys to replace them.
Make soup. Edible! More or less!
Posted by teb at 08:43 PM | Email this entry
December 20, 2008
In which a toddler demonstrates his surprising grasp of entomology to an unsuspecting neighbor
Neighbor: You look just like a ladybug in your red jacket!
Toddler: What do ladybugs eat?
Neighbor: Oh dear, I'm not sure I know the answer to that one.
Toddler: They eat tiny bugs called aphids.
Posted by teb at 03:12 PM | Email this entry
December 18, 2008
Proposed brochure copy for the National Museum of American History's kid area
-- Your children will enjoy seeing classic toys like Tonka trucks and silly putty. All of these toys will be sealed behind plexiglass for maximum frustration.
-- Television monitors will be strategically placed because kids don't get enough TV at home.
-- Red-aproned attendants will know nothing about the exhibits and will not interact with children.
-- Exhibits explain to older children how things are made using soul-deadening jargon like "visualization phase" and "implementing the new product for commercialization."
-- Our one fun thing is a windsurfing simulator. It is broken.
Posted by teb at 10:43 AM | Email this entry
December 17, 2008
News
-- From Slate:
Bush Shows Off Ducking Skills
Presidenting skills, not so much.
-- From People:
Tom Cruise Gushes Over Suri's Incredible Vocabulary
Say "Dianetics" again, sweetie.
-- From the AP:
Obama to tackle foreign, domestic matters
That should cover it.
Posted by teb at 12:49 AM | Email this entry
December 15, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Place tarp on leaky roof. Classy.
Buy two books for $1.60. Man, I love the thrift store.
Make up song about wagon for toddler with the chorus "wagety wag wagon." Definite hit potential.
Effervesce.
Go see Milk. Not, as it turns out, a history of the dairy industry.
Posted by teb at 09:42 PM | Email this entry
December 12, 2008
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led slender, nearsighted people to this confusing, inconsistent blog
-- "what to write inside christmas cards"
Santa's watching you. Always. Even at night.
-- "senator hillary clinton marky post"
First of all it's "Markie" and secondly: What the hell is wrong with you people?
-- "how to stop my big dog from swatting at my little dog"
Cover your little dog with quills.
-- "how to have romantic conversations online"
UR GR8. <3
-- "pros and cons of god"
-- "a short story about somting that happened to you recently with adverbs"
I slept soundly.
-- "the cons of working with toddlers"
They're never on time.
-- "in a commercial you may have seen what did a woman do in her bedroom after a new bathroom tissue was introduced as the only one of its kind?"
I'm not sure I want to know.
Posted by teb at 10:06 AM | Email this entry
December 11, 2008
Words one never expects to utter prior to procreating, but then once one has uttered them, the disturbing/irrational image is forever burned into one's mind
Oh, does Fire Truck have a poopy diaper? Would you like Santa Claus to change it?
Posted by teb at 11:47 AM | Email this entry
December 10, 2008
Dialogue inspired by my cell phone tones
"Blues 12 Bar"
Old Bluesy Dude #1: That sure is some generic blues you're playing there.
Old Bluesy Dude #2: What's that supposed to mean?
Old Bluesy Dude #1: Oh, nothing.
"Alert Bells"
Angel #1: I guess somebody just got his wings.
Angel #2: I've never understood that rule.
Angel #1: Me neither.
"Alarm Flute"
Forest Sprite #1: Did you hear that?
Forest Sprite #2: The wizard king is upon us!
Forest Sprite #1: Saddle the unicorns!
Posted by teb at 01:00 PM | Email this entry
December 09, 2008
News
-- From Scientific American:
What is Guinea Worm Disease?
Please, please don't tell me.
-- From the AP:
OJ judge known for stern lectures, stiff sentences
Also favors black robes.
-- From the BBC:
'Obama too British' case rejected
The president-elect issued a statement calling the case "bollocks."
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
December 08, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Go for run in brief sleet/snow storm. Do arms-up victory thing like Rocky at the museum.
Blow out second tire in less than three months. Consider walking from now on.
Dither
Eat quiche. Whatever, I'm still a real man.
Watch football. See – that's manly. Kind of.
Posted by teb at 11:32 AM | Email this entry
December 05, 2008
Actual “tips to enhance your enjoyment of your drink ware product”
“Do not use bleach or chlorine to clean.”
“Be careful when securing lid.”
“When filled with hot liquids, keep out of reach of children.”
“Do not place on stove top or other heat source.”
“Always check to make sure your lid is secured before drinking.”
“Hot liquids can scald user.”
“Do not overfill.”
Posted by teb at 01:16 PM | Email this entry
December 04, 2008
News
-- From the Palm Beach Post:
Bush's interest in Senate seat excites strategists
What the ... oh, Jeb. Still.
-- From the Guardian:
Capital One to buy Chevy Chase
He should be cheap these days.
-- From CNN:
Guns N' Roses lashes out at Dr Pepper
In related news, Skid Row hates Mr. Pibb.
Posted by teb at 10:08 AM | Email this entry
December 03, 2008
How Bush can avoid letting the door hit him on the way out
-- Ask someone to hold it for him.
-- Have the door removed from its hinges prior to exiting.
-- Climb through a window.
-- Leave through a sliding-glass door or other egress that does not swing closed.
-- Get rescued from the White House roof by a helicopter, Saigon-style.
-- Walk briskly away, never ever to return.
Posted by teb at 10:33 AM | Email this entry
December 02, 2008
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Pepperidge Farm Snack Sticks
Dear Pepperidge Farm Snack Sticks,
First of all, let me say how much I love your product. Whether it's an afternoon pick-me-up or late-night hunger pangs, Pepperidge Farm Baked Naturals Artisan Cheese Snack Sticks do the trick ... naturally!
Each snack stick is like a tiny baguette, one that might be carried by a tiny French person who is walking along a miniature Seine smoking an extremely small cigarette, thinking about existentialism and surrender. You know what I mean.
Viva la republique!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Mr Bartlett, we received your message and appreciate your taking the time to contact Pepperidge Farm regarding our Pepperidge Farm Artisan Cheese Snack Sticks.
The "Never Have an Ordinary Day" concept extends to all that we do, so we are happy to hear that our product brought some joy to your day.
Our founder, Margaret Rudkin, created our company by making a healthy, high quality bread for her son. From that point on, superior quality in product design, taste and ingredients has been the cornerstone of our products. We put a lot of time and effort into maintaining these standards, and we certainly appreciate when consumers such as you take the time to let us know. I will forward your comments along to the rest of the team so that they too may know that their efforts are appreciated.
We will be happy to send you coupons via the mail that are redeemable for any Pepperidge Farm item. Please respond to this message with your complete mailing address. I hope you will give us another opportunity to delight you and remember, with Pepperidge Farm products, "Good is in the Details."
Thank you for visiting the Pepperidge Farm website.
Pepperidge Farm Web Team sad
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Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
December 01, 2008
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Bolster sagging economy by buying lots (and lots) (and lots) of Thomas the Tank Engine paraphernalia.
Watch "The Empire Strikes Back." Puppets hold up better than CG.
Re-caulk tub after scraping out old caulk with screwdriver. As fun as it sounds.
Try to see sold-out movie -- twice. Apparently there's something called Fandango ...
Enjoy apple pie actually made by mom. Feel patriotic.
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry