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February 27, 2009
What I learned from listening to the Conservative Political Action Conference on C-Span radio
-- Ron Paul hates the Federal Reserve. Like, a lot.
-- Liberals are "suicidal."
-- If you don't have principles then you can't have policies and if don't have polices then you can't have an ideology. Or something like that.
-- We should all be terrified of Obamunism.
-- We should also be terrified of funding for STD prevention.
-- The key to restoring the Republican Party to power is -- brace yourself -- text-messaging. Of course!
Posted by teb at 05:03 PM | Email this entry
February 25, 2009
News
-- From Reuters:
Obama taps former governor Locke as commerce chief
No, not “taps.”
-- From MSNBC::
Obama names Locke to head Commerce
Try again.
-- From the Washington Times:
Obama picks Locke for Commerce
There you go.
Posted by teb at 01:56 PM | Email this entry
February 24, 2009
Suggestions for improving the bus stop near my house
-- Hot chocolate dispenser
-- On-site masseuse
-- Restroom
-- High-def TV screen(s)
-- A bench
Posted by teb at 11:56 AM | Email this entry
February 23, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Be overly pleased by good deal on spinach.
Watch Oscars. Slumdog? Really?
Literally step in paint pan. It's like I'm Buster Keaton over here.
Doze.
Be perplexed by this question posed by a two-year-old: "Can you paint the sound of a gorilla on the wall?"
Posted by teb at 02:36 PM | Email this entry
February 20, 2009
What I learned from the Crow's Nest Trading Company catalog
-- The tiers on the brown ruffle skirt add drama.
-- Rawhide lampshades come in teal, amber or buckskin.
-- The stag sconce creates Bavarian ambiance for your powder room or foyer.
-- "Native Americans have fascinated the world for decades."
-- Elvis boots are available in half-sizes.
Posted by teb at 09:04 AM | Email this entry
February 19, 2009
Actual excerpts from the letter I sent appealing a recent parking fine (an appeal which, incidentally, was denied)
-- It was not intentional; I simply misread the sign. Then again, you know what's paved with good intentions? Yeah, neither do I.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: Good men must not obey the laws too well. I think old RWE had a point there, don't you?
-- If you choose to disregard this explanation and exact the fine in its entirety, I will pay promptly and without a trace of bitterness. Okay, maybe a trace.
Posted by teb at 04:16 PM | Email this entry
February 18, 2009
News
-- From USA Today:
Greenspan says Obama administration may need to nationalize some banks
Then it almost certainly won't happen.
-- From Drudge:
New York senator moves guns from under her bed.
Note to thieves: they're in the closet now.
-- From CNN:
GOP senators say Obama off to bad start
A month in and he's already passed one of the largest pieces of legislation in U.S. history. Loser.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
February 17, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
See "The Wrestler." Have staple gun nightmare.
Visit art gallery with toddler. Do more chasing than appreciating.
Visit chain organic store rather than neighborhood co-op. Feels like cheating.
Wane
Learn -- on Sunday -- that Monday is a holiday. Who knew?
Posted by teb at 08:47 AM | Email this entry
February 13, 2009
An Open Note to Mice
Look, I know you're trying to stay warm. So you see an old house like mine and think "Perfect! I'll live in the walls, have lots of mouse babies and then, when everybody goes to sleep, I'll sneak out and search for food."
But, see, here's the flaw in your plan: We have three cats – four if you count the neighbor's cat who sleeps in our laundry room. These cats have nothing to do all day and would love to play with a mouse. And by "play" I mean bat and bite until it ceases to move.
Don't be a victim. For both our sakes, find a cat-free house. That way I won't have to dispose of your body and you won't have to be dead. Thanks.
Posted by teb at 11:15 AM | Email this entry
February 12, 2009
PROS and CONS: Wind
PROS:
-- Mills
-- Socks
-- Tunnels
CONS:
-- Chill
-- Blows
-- y
Posted by teb at 01:14 PM | Email this entry
February 11, 2009
Generic barbershop banter
You must hate bald people, right?
Let’s go with one sideburn today.
I’m thinking Robert Redford, circa Sundance Kid.
I’m gonna need a lollipop after this.
No worries -- I usually wear a hat.
Posted by teb at 02:23 PM | Email this entry
February 10, 2009
News
-- From CNBC:
Financial Plan to Focus on Consumer, Business Aid
That about covers it.
-- From Reuters:
"Struggling" octuplets mom looks to God for help
I think we can safely take struggling out of quotes.
-- From Newsday:
Tips for people without health insurance
1. Don't ever get sick.
Posted by teb at 11:06 AM | Email this entry
February 09, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Purchase "Corn Squares" cereal. They saved money by not thinking up a name.
Do seven loads of laundry. Consider switching to body paint.
Attempt to make quick trip to IKEA. No such thing.
Have odd encounter with guy dropping off Chinese menu. I don't want to shake your hand, dude.
Sit on porch. Here's to you, seasonally inappropriate weather.
Posted by teb at 11:32 AM | Email this entry
February 05, 2009
How I, Personally, Plan To Save Money During This Time Of Economic Uncertainty
-- Carry smaller roll of hundreds in my pocket.
-- Wash dishes rather than simply throwing them away.
-- Only tip waiters and bellhops, not random strangers.
-- Turn off ignition when car is parked overnight.
-- Eat less gold.
Posted by teb at 01:00 PM | Email this entry
February 04, 2009
News
-- From ABC News:
New TARP Rules: Curb Pay, Bonuses, Parachutes
Also: Don't forget to tie it down.
-- From The Street:
Wells Fargo Cancels Vegas Junket
Oh craps.
-- From NY Times:
With Attention, and Cookies, Obama Woos the Opposition
Also works for toddlers.
Posted by teb at 02:17 PM | Email this entry
February 03, 2009
Actual conversation between two-year-old and parent of two-year-old
TYO: Would you get me a ladle?
POTYO: Why do you want a ladle?
TYO: I want to chase the cat.
POTYO: You're going to chase the cat?
TYO: Yes.
POTYO: And poke it with the ladle?
TYO: Yes.
POTYO: Do you think that's a good idea?
TYO: Yes.
POTYO: Are you sure?
TYO: Yes.
POTYO: I don't think the cat likes that.
TYO: [silence]
POTYO: We shouldn't poke the cat with a ladle.
TYO: [silence]
POTYO: Do you understand?
TYO: Yes.
POTYO: Good. Thank you.
TYO: Would you get me a ladle?
Posted by teb at 02:02 AM | Email this entry
February 02, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Consume vast quantities of NyQuil.
Wander, zombie-like, through house.
Venture outside only once, to purchase soup.
Fall asleep briefly in kitchen chair.
Milk sympathy from spouse.
Posted by teb at 12:27 PM | Email this entry