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March 31, 2009
PROS and CONS: Other People
PROS:
-- Useful
-- Bipedal
-- Nice enough
CONS:
-- Talky
-- Crowdy
-- Malodorous
Posted by teb at 12:33 PM | Email this entry
March 30, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit arboretum. From the Latin meaning "park that closes early."
Go for long run. Forget you then have to run back.
Visit Bed, Bath and Beyond. Purchase some beyond.
Assay
Make scrambled tofu. Like scrambled eggs, only not good.
Posted by teb at 12:01 PM | Email this entry
March 27, 2009
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led confused, confusing people to this terse, unhelpful blog
"fake nude photos of markie post"
What's wrong with the real ones?
"as sad as a.."
... half-formed ellipsis.
"thoughts on aging"
I can't remember them.
"teal rawhide lamp shades"
Please no.
"buddah paintings from pier 1"
Welcome posers!
"topical humor"
apply liberally.
"soul deadening jargon"
Utilize this.
Posted by teb at 01:31 PM | Email this entry
March 26, 2009
Subway conversation starters
-- This train is fast, huh?
-- So … you like public transportation?
-- Take my seat – it’s warm.
-- Our legs are touching a little bit.
-- Did you know we’re underground right now?
Posted by teb at 12:06 PM | Email this entry
March 25, 2009
How to pack a lunch
1. Purchase ingredients: romaine lettuce, tomatoes, walnuts, apples.
2. Wash lettuce, tomatoes, apples (no need to wash walnuts).
3. Chop tomatoes and apples.
4. Tear lettuce into smaller pieces.
5. Mix all ingredients.
6. Add dressing.
7. Mix again.
8. Pour into Tupperware container.
9. Place container on counter so you won’t forget it.
10. Forget it.
Posted by teb at 12:44 PM | Email this entry
March 24, 2009
News
-- From CBS News:
Taxpayers Could Lose Money in Treasury Buying Plan
Doesn't that go without saying at this point?
-- From Reuters:
Robin Williams recovering from heart surgery
What he needs is a clownish doctor to cheer him up.
-- From the AP:
Astana says Armstrong will be in Tour de Framce
Should be easier than the one with an "n."
Posted by teb at 11:59 AM | Email this entry
March 23, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Give car its annual washing. Thanks, nice weather.
Store extra box-spring in shed. Have at it, spiders.
Slacken
Watch Tyler Cowen dismantle Peter Singer. Take that, utilitarian boy!
Struggle with lid on jar of tahini. Open, sesame.
Posted by teb at 09:57 AM | Email this entry
March 19, 2009
Actual excerpts from a recent letter I received from the bank, followed by my translation
"Please read this letter carefully …"
Prepare to get screwed.
"Bank of America periodically reviews the value of property …"
We think your house is worth nothing now.
"We have suspended use of your Home Equity account … "
No more free money for you, ace.
"Please call if you have any questions."
Please don't call.
"Sincerely"
Bite us.
Posted by teb at 10:20 AM | Email this entry
March 18, 2009
Three brief book reviews
Thomas, Terence, and the Snow
It goes like this: Thomas the Tank Engine is snotty to Terence the Tractor. Then Thomas is snotty to his driver, refusing to put on the snow plow, then wrecking the plow once he has put it on. In the end, Terence saves Thomas after he gets stuck in the snow. The lesson: Just keep being rude and everything will work out fine.
Tommy’s Tooth
Young Tommy has a loose tooth. He talks about it, worries about it. While he’s eating a cookie, the tooth comes out. His teacher, his mother and his father all propagate the blatant lie that a supernatural being will sneak into his bedroom and replace the lost tooth with a very small amount of money. The book elides the actual event: We see Tommy go to sleep and we see Tommy wake up with a shiny dime. What happened in the interim? Apparently that’s left up to our “imaginations.” Lame.
The Taxi That Hurried
A mother and son have to catch a train. They hop in a taxi and the mother informs the driver, Bill, that they are late. She then proceeds to browbeat him the entire trip, insisting that he go faster and violate laws in order to make up for her poor planning. Of course they make it just in the nick of time. The son says “We made it because we had such a speedy taxi.” No, you made it because your mother is a jerk.
Posted by teb at 04:53 PM | Email this entry
March 17, 2009
News
-- From ABC News:
Celebrate St. Patrick's Day With Irish Pizza
That's what they call potatoes.
-- From the AP:
Cheney: US achieved much of what it wanted in Iraq
So the plan all along was to destabilize the region and kill a bunch of people for no good reason?
-- From the AP:
Wisconsin's new slogan faces some pushback
"We're next to Minnesota!"
Posted by teb at 08:53 AM | Email this entry
March 16, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Clean house for overnight guests. Because, obviously, cleaning just for ourselves isn't worth it.
Be amused by two-year-old's frequent use of "actually" and "of course." Already he's got an attitude.
Get caught in rain. Glasses need tiny wiper blades.
Evanesce.
Visit attic. Wonder where all that stuff came from.
Posted by teb at 11:22 AM | Email this entry
March 12, 2009
Ways I'm answering the phone now
-- Let the conversing begin.
-- This is Carlos.
-- [sigh]
-- How may I provide you with excellent service?
-- Speak, memory!
Posted by teb at 04:32 PM | Email this entry
March 11, 2009
Tom Bartlett Updates Followed By Analysis
-- I recently received a Facebook message asking if I was the Tom Bartlett from Sandy Creek. I replied that I was not but that, like all Tom Bartletts, I assumed he was an excellent individual.
-- Someone from a title company left a message on my answering machine offering "our" Tom Bartlett a job. Other Tom Bartletts, presumably, are excluded.
-- A woman named Bonnie in New Zealand sent me five photographs of a table Tom Bartlett is trying to sell. I wrote back asking the dimensions of the table, but Bonnie said she did not have those figures.
All in all, Tom Bartletts seem to be doing well. Old friends get in-touch with us. Employers offer us jobs. And we are selling useful items on the open market. Even in this troubled economy, the international brotherhood of Tom Bartletts continues not just to survive, but indeed to prosper.
Click below for more photos of the table.
Posted by teb at 02:13 AM | Email this entry
March 09, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit Kiddieland. Slogan: Your headquarters for rusty, unsafe fun since 1952.
Watch documentary on flourishing marijanua trade in northern California. Consider career change.
Enjoy 80-degree temps in central Texas. Wonder what I'm doing in Maryland.
Chillax.
Order "Berry Berry Good" smoothie. Feel like idiot.
Posted by teb at 02:02 PM | Email this entry
March 05, 2009
What I learned at the zoo
-- A group of lions is referred to as a "bunch."
-- Meerkats communicate with soft grunts and Post-its.
-- A rhino's horn is filled with delicious juice.
-- A herpetarium is not what you think.
-- Dikdik
Posted by teb at 06:43 PM | Email this entry
March 04, 2009
News
-- From the BBC:
Call to give up texting for Lent
WWJLMAO
-- From FOXNews:
Dead Mice, Feces Found at Salmonella Plant
They shouldn't be making salmonella to start with.
-- From NY Daily News:
Design-a-kid clinic puts offer on hold
I want one with stripes.
Posted by teb at 08:38 PM | Email this entry
March 03, 2009
How to unload the dishwasher
1. Remove dishes from dishwasher.
2. Put them where they go (e.g., shelves or drawers).
3. Think, while putting a glass away: "This still looks dirty."
4. Wash that glass by hand. Put it away.
5. Find another slightly dirty glass.
6. This dishwasher sucks.
7. Think about buying a new dishwasher.
8. Then it occurs to you: It hadn't been run yet.
9. Crap.
10. Remove dishes from shelves/drawers, place back in dishwasher.
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry
March 02, 2009
Weather Update
Frozen water continues to fall from the sky this morning, adding to the frozen water that fell overnight, covering the ground and other things that are outside, such as trees. The substance is cold to the touch and can be easily rolled into balls and thrown, though doing so serves no useful purpose. It could, in theory, be used to form impromptu sculptures – a rudimentary "man," for example – though, again, this would be pointless. There is no indication that the stuff will ever stop falling and, if it continues unabated, then soon all houses and other buildings will be buried, trapping us inside and transforming our once lush, verdant planet into an icy, uninhabitable wasteland. This might be the end. Though it probably isn't.
Posted by teb at 11:03 AM | Email this entry