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April 30, 2009
Steps I'm taking to avoid swine flu
-- Stop inviting strangers to sneeze on me.
-- Abandon discarded-tissue collection.
-- Wash hands at least weekly.
-- Cut back on Mexican pig wrestling.
-- No more doorknob licking.
Posted by teb at 09:00 AM | Email this entry
April 29, 2009
A beautiful poem
First mosquito of the season
Why you be squeezin’
Through my window screen
Trying not to be seen?
I know you’re only first
That July will be the worst
Yet I hate you just the same
And wish you never came
Into existence at all
But I guess you never saw
(not that I try to be mean)
My rolled-up magazine
Posted by teb at 04:03 PM | Email this entry
April 28, 2009
News
-- From Fox News:
Government Urges Americans to Avoid 'Non-Essential' Travel to Mexico
Does this include my Mexican candy runs?
-- From Madison Messenger:
Be careful but don't panic, health officials say about swine-flu scare
Actually, they added, go ahead and panic.
-- From the Buffalo News:
Area health officials prepare to act
Oh good, they’re preparing to act. Now I feel all better.
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
April 27, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Replant azaleias, remembering this time to, ahem, massage the root ball.
Buy bagels from extremely grumpy Panera clerk. I didn’t know slicing them would be such a burden.
Try to resist making lame “cooking is hard wok” joke while using new stir-fry pan. Fail.
Forbear
Finally mow lawn. It was that or buy a machete.
Posted by teb at 09:10 AM | Email this entry
April 24, 2009
News
-- From the AP:
FAA: bird strikes more than double at big airports
We must capture and torture these terrorist birds.
-- From Reuters:
Germany worried over Taliban advance in Pakistan
Really? Just now?
-- From UPI:
Recession turns necessities into luxuries
Yeah, food is so 2006.
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
April 23, 2009
Suggested elevator banter
So … do you have a favorite floor?
Sometimes I want to just mash all the buttons. Mash mash mash.
[sing theme to The Jeffersons]
Man, I sure hope we don’t get stuck in here for several days with only the half a pack of Certs I have in my pocket and whatever perspiration we manage to lick up.
Wheeee!
Posted by teb at 12:02 PM | Email this entry
April 22, 2009
This is a true hypothetical story
Say you don’t like your current wok. So you start shopping for a new one. Quickly you’re aware that size isn’t the only consideration when purchasing a wok. Some woks come with lids and some do not. Some are flat-bottomed while others have a traditional rounded bottom. Stuff like that.
Then there are the handles. Traditional woks have two ring handles, but you can get woks with one ring handle and one stick handle, also referred to as a pau wok. Some handles are metal while others are wood while still others are made of a rubbery plastic material that some people think is great and others consider an abomination. So you read about a hundred online reviews, some of which seem to be written by people who simply cannot be satisfied by anything and stay up nights fuming about the shortcomings of their woks and posting their borderline insane screeds on the Internet.
And the biggest decision of all is whether you want non-stick, stainless-steel, carbon-steel or cast-iron. You rule out non-stick (potentially toxic) and cast-iron (too heavy) but there are pros and cons with both stainless and carbon steels but at a certain point WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO HARD I JUST WANT A FREAKING PAN TO HEAT UP FOOD IN AHHHHHHHHH! Also, AHHHHHHHH!
The end.
Posted by teb at 12:37 PM | Email this entry
April 21, 2009
What I learned from the Pajama Gram catalog
Daddio pajamas feature beatniks playing bongos.
The pretty pink bow lace chemise will fall mid-thigh.
Military style “Fatigued” pajamas available in infant sizes.
The “Go Ask Your Mother” pajama shirt is a fun way to illustrate the potentially destructive shifting of parental responsibility.
Personalization for dog’s pajamas can be added under bone.
Posted by teb at 01:56 PM | Email this entry
April 20, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Be shocked by lack of veggie options at stadium’s concession stand. Yeah, I know!
Try to be all "Well, I intended the yard to be overrun with dandelions."
Wonder what being waterboarded 183 times is if it isn’t torture.
Surveil.
Be concerned that two-year-old son always makes me play the female character.
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry
April 16, 2009
PROS and CONS: Worms
PROS:
-- Quiet
-- Wriggly
-- Good for bait
CONS:
-- Creepy
-- Faceless
-- Ruin your apple
Posted by teb at 11:32 AM | Email this entry
April 15, 2009
A two-year-old demonstrates the unreliability of secondary sources
TYO: What’s that?
Father of TYO: It’s a pedometer. It tells you how far you’ve walked.
TYO: Can I have it?
FOTYO: Here you go.
[a few minutes later]
Mother of TYO: What do you have?
TYO: It’s a monitor. It tells you how to walk.
Posted by teb at 09:46 AM | Email this entry
April 14, 2009
News
-- From Xinhua:
Facebook users get low GPA in college
Tom is 1.4
-- From MTV:
Chris Brown Not Dating Natalie Mejia Or Erica Jackson
Me neither.
-- From the AP:
Obama to outline state of economy in speech today
Ever-so-slightly less sucky.
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
April 13, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Carry sleeping toddler while grocery shopping. Should be Olympic event.
Hide plastic eggs. Many, many times.
Grab still-hot skillet with bare hand. Immediately regret.
Capitulate
Put boxes of books in attic. I want me a Kindle.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
April 09, 2009
A pants-related dilemma
You must leave in a hurry. Three pairs of jeans are available. None is ideal. You must pick one. Here are the choices:
1. This pair is slightly muddy. Earlier in the day, you were in the backyard playing with a two-year-old, which involved kneeling in the garden. Despite your best brushing-off efforts, the dirt stains are clearly visible.
2. This pair doesn’t fit right. You’re not sure why you still have them, but you do. They could be worn, if necessary, but they would annoy you all freaking day.
3. This pair is unwashed. While not visibly soiled, you’ve worn these jeans two days in a row and, as you know from experience, they will be itchy.
The first one is obviously unacceptable. The second is doable. In the end, though, number three is the best bad option. That or Porky Piggin' it.
Posted by teb at 03:55 PM | Email this entry
April 08, 2009
A Ratings Guide to My Cooking
***** Edible! This dish can totally be eaten by humans and they probably won’t get sick.
**** Food. This is food. You could eat this in a pinch.
*** You know what? I’m not hungry.
** [retching noises]
* Run!
Posted by teb at 10:10 AM | Email this entry
April 07, 2009
News
-- From the LA Times:
Ted Stevens' charges dismissed as judge excoriates prosecutors
I read that first as "exfoliates," which is infinitely more interesting.
-- From People:
Attorney: Howard K. Stern Innocent of 'Baseless' Allegations
Those with bases – yeah, he did that stuff.
-- From Reuters:
Google helps, not hurts, newspapers: executive
Because revenue is such a burden.
Posted by teb at 03:29 PM | Email this entry
April 06, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Eat so-called cinnamon "bagel" at Panera. Dude, that's a sweet roll.
Notice owner of organic grocery store smoking. You're doing it wrong.
Remember that spring means … RETURN OF THE ANTS.
Desist.
See no one under 50 at giant used book sale. Stupid blogs.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
April 04, 2009
Actual excerpts from the package of the "Cartoon Series Play Train" we saw in the toy store today
-- "special function magnetism connect!"
-- "contains 2 tree"
-- "car and car a magnetism conjunction"
-- "hi! be possessed of the cartoon track train yourself!"
-- "100% new enter"
Posted by teb at 11:44 PM | Email this entry
April 02, 2009
News
-- From CNN:
Sarkozy walkout threats at G-20, reports say
He's just eager to get home.
-- From Biz Journals:
Flame retardants found in Florida waters
Good to be cautious, I guess.
-- From USA Today:
Sen. McCain seeking a pardon for Jack Johnson
His music isn't that bad.
Posted by teb at 09:12 AM | Email this entry
April 01, 2009
A poem that almost works until the end
early morning
garbage truck
the noises you make
wake me up
the ribald talk
of uniformed men
rousts me from my
slumberin'
Groggily
I start to rise
then reconsider
and go back to sleep
Posted by teb at 09:15 AM | Email this entry