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May 30, 2009
Ways to make monasteries more tourist-friendly
-- Rent-a-robe
-- Virgin Bloody Marys
-- Paint-a-Saint booth
-- Catacoaster
-- Thelonious Monks
Posted by teb at 05:42 PM | Email this entry
May 28, 2009
Corrections
Yesterday's entry should have said that the kitchen clock was slow, not fast. The royal we regret the error.
Also, the word "oubliette" was incorrectly used. It is not a female oubli.
It's Great Britain, not Okay Britain.
Bing Crosby was a singer and actor. Bing Cherry is an excellent dessert topping.
A caption misidentified the subject of a photograph. That was a tree.
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
May 27, 2009
How to miss the bus
1. Estimate how long it will take to get ready.
2. Glance at kitchen clock.
3. Do a quick mathematical calculation.
4. Determine that you will make it, barely.
5. Pack bag for work.
6. Whip up quick lunch for later.
7. Bid spouse and offspring a fond adieu.
8. Get outside in time to see bus disappear down the street.
9. Remember that kitchen clock is five minutes fast slow.
10. Slump shoulders, defeated.
Posted by teb at 01:35 PM | Email this entry
May 26, 2009
The Memorial weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Cook a huge pot of spinach. Eight-year-old me would be outraged.
Successfully bribe two-year-old by offering him three M&Ms. The price is only going up.
Take shelter from rain under tree, also known as “nature’s lousy umbrella.”
Braise
Find spot right across from Teaism, in Dupont, on a holiday. Thank you, Parking Jesus.
Posted by teb at 09:21 AM | Email this entry
May 22, 2009
I have thought long and hard and I have come up with a list of dentist's office names worse than "Adventure Dental" (which, I swear, really exists and is down the street from my house)
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Posted by teb at 08:06 PM | Email this entry
May 21, 2009
PROS and CONS: Moon
PROS:
-- Shiny
-- Cratery
-- Lunarrific
CONS:
-- Too bright
-- Too close
-- Evil
Posted by teb at 12:35 PM | Email this entry
May 20, 2009
News
-- From the Washington Post:
National Zoo Giant Panda Mei Xiang Is Not Pregnant, Officials Say
Mei Xiang insulted by question, officials add.
-- From Reuters:
Talk therapy key to conquering insomnia – study
Only if talk is really, really dull.
-- From the Chicago Sun-Times:
Senate OKs ban on texting, driving
ROFLMA … OMG!
Posted by teb at 09:02 AM | Email this entry
May 19, 2009
Running feature wherein I comb through the records to see what search terms have led slight, debt-ridden people to this coarse, unlucky blog
"happywash cost"
You pay extra for the happy.
"how to parent a two year old"
Yelling. Also, threats.
"cons for al gore"
maybe not the demographic he’s shooting for …
"tucker carlson loafers"
Those words go together nicely.
"a beautiful poem"
"shopping conversation can i help you try it on"
Dude, this line never works.
"how to summarize a jet ski"
It’s like regular skiing only jerkier.
Posted by teb at 10:19 AM | Email this entry
May 18, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Collect Sunday paper from lawn. Wonder how many more times I’ll do that.
Spend 15 bucks on mushrooms at farmer’s market. Mmm … fungi.
Get caught in downpour on run. Wish glasses had wipers.
Combobulate.
Watch “The Lost Mug” episode of Kipper a half-dozen times. Spoiler alert: they find the mug.
Posted by teb at 10:39 AM | Email this entry
May 14, 2009
Words of encouragement on a difficult day
When you feel like giving up, go with that feeling.
What doesn’t kill you only injures you severely.
If at first you don’t succeed that means you pretty much failed.
When the going gets tough, sometimes it’s nice to fix yourself some chamomile tea and have a good, long cry.
There is nothing to fear ... oh wait, there totally is.
Posted by teb at 10:01 AM | Email this entry
May 13, 2009
Nicknames to avoid
The Failster
Captain Obnoxious
Stinkbeard
Toeless Joe
Ol' Rashy
Posted by teb at 11:45 AM | Email this entry
May 12, 2009
News
-- From ESPN:
Clemens critical of new book
He thinks Christopher Buckley went too far.
-- From WM Experts:
Yet Another Zune Phone Rumor
Everything you didn’t want in a music player, now in a phone!
-- From the BBC:
Swine flu could hit one in three
Says Professor of Making Up Numbers for Reporters.
Posted by teb at 09:37 AM | Email this entry
May 11, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Attempt to dry out kitchen following the Great Faucet Disaster of 2009.
Pay $3 for tiny bunch of wild leeks at farmer’s market. Almost hear farmers snickering as I walk away.
Admit at dinner that the first CD I ever bought was Billy Joel’s “Storm Front.” Oh, the shame.
Feint.
Battle ant insurgents for control of utility room. This aggression will not stand.
Posted by teb at 09:07 AM | Email this entry
May 08, 2009
What I learned from the April 1994 edition of "Quake" magazine
-- Dalton James has definite star potential.
-- "Ian Ziering takes another opportunity to show off his pecs."
-- Evan Dando wears his hair long because it "feels good."
-- The Gillette Sensor is the finest razor ever created for the way a woman shaves.
-- Eric Nies and Marky Mark are "tight."
Posted by teb at 01:06 PM | Email this entry
May 07, 2009
Things that I yell at other drivers now that I'm not allowed to swear in the presence of my child
Hey, you're not obeying the posted advisories and/or restrictions!
You need further driving instruction in order to achieve competence!
Be advised that, when changing lanes, it is necessary to signal!
You drive as if you were a person of advanced years!
Oh goodness, I am steamed!
Posted by teb at 07:04 AM | Email this entry
May 05, 2009
CONSUMER E-MAIL: Purell
Dear Purell,
First of all, let me say how much I love your product. When I’m on the go, Purell is my go-to source for alcohol-based hand cleansing gels.
I did have a question. While obviously no one wants a pandemic to sweep the globe, is there a part of you that’s just the teensiest bit pleased? It’s okay to say yes -- I won’t tell. ;)
Swine!
All the best,
Tom
[CLICK 'CONTINUED' FOR REPLY]
Dear Tom:
Thank you for contacting Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies, Inc., makers of PURELL® Instant Hand Sanitizer. It is always important to hear from our consumers, and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.
We are pleased to learn that you have been satisfied with our products. We pride ourselves in providing only the highest quality products, and we are delighted to hear we are succeeding in meeting your needs. Your remarks will certainly be shared with the people responsible for bringing our products and services to you.
Your loyalty to our products is greatly appreciated.
Again, thank you for your interest in our company. Should you have any comments or questions in the future, please contact us via our website or by calling our toll-free number, 1-800-223-0182. Our specialists are available Monday through Friday between 8 AM and 8 PM EST and will be happy to assist you.
The Information Center
008200582A
Posted by teb at 09:31 AM | Email this entry
May 04, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Buy grass-like "herba stella" at farmer's market. Or, as wife calls it: side-of-the-road-a.
Stay away from sick-looking pigs.
Play hide-and-seek with toddler who insists on knowing, in advance, where you will hide.
Gainsay.
Visit seedy warehouse district to purchase … several prep bowls and a strainer. Yeah, I'm hardcore.
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
May 01, 2009
David Souter's real reasons for leaving the court
-- Scalia's constant phlegm hocking.
-- Wants to be boring in another location.
-- Tired of lawyer stink.
-- Ran out of opinions.
-- Robe makes him look fat.
Posted by teb at 11:17 AM | Email this entry