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July 30, 2009
Hey
Hey, sneezy guy: could you stand over there please?
Hey, lemon: why are you so freakin’ hard to peel?
Hey, enormous dude who flushed my radiator: I’ve never seen anyone sweat like that.
Hey, faucet: did you really have to explode twice in six months?
Hey, loud noise at 2 a.m.: You suck.
Posted by teb at 12:55 PM | Email this entry
July 29, 2009
Possible titles for the abstract masterpiece I’m painting
Feelings, no. 3
The Comeuppance of Colonel Squeak
"."
Moon Whistle
Untitled (Extra Paint)
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
July 28, 2009
Assertions that can be made both about Tom Bartlett, me, and Tom Bartlett, Elvis impersonator
We both move like the King.
We both appeal to all ages.
We're both willing to perform worldwide.
We both own jumpsuits.
We ain't nothing but hound dogs.
Posted by teb at 03:05 PM | Email this entry
July 27, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Transform five great local tomatoes into really mediocre pasta sauce. Magic!
Take shower in dark after power outage. Harder than expected.
Drop knife behind stove. Couldn't be more gone.
Inveigh
Celebrate third totally ant-free week. Thanks, poison!
Posted by teb at 11:04 AM | Email this entry
July 24, 2009
Suggested answers to the question “Does the package contain anything liquid, flammable, perishable or potentially hazardous?”
Are hamsters flammable?
Define hazardous.
Does exploding fruit count?
Yes, yes, no, and yes.
Not really.
Posted by teb at 05:26 PM | Email this entry
July 22, 2009
News
-- From Bloomberg:
US Home Prices Have Smallest Decline in 10 Months
Things are slightly less bad!
-- From the Wall Street Journal:
Delta Air Loses $257M In 2Q; Liquidity Improves
That’s semi-good, too, right?
-- From Bloomberg:
Bernanke Says Commercial Property May Pose Risk for Economy
Eh, we’re still screwed.
Posted by teb at 02:47 PM | Email this entry
July 21, 2009
What Google calendar could say instead of "You have no events scheduled today"
You have nothing, absolutely nothing going on.
Other people have lives; you, not so much.
Wow. Huh. Well, have fun, I guess.
Remember when you had goals?
Hello, loser.
Posted by teb at 10:51 AM | Email this entry
July 17, 2009
Household Tips
Have trouble keeping things organized? Purchase a second house to store the things you don't need.
Hate your noisy alarm clock? Hire someone to stand by your bed and blow gently in your ear.
Tired of doing the dishes? Just eat off the dirty ones.
Lingering pet odor got you down? Sprinkle them with potpourri.
Sick of mowing the lawn? Try fire.
Posted by teb at 02:52 PM | Email this entry
July 16, 2009
Least popular ringtones
Ketchupbottlealmostempty
Squirreltrappedindryer
Chorusofkazoos
Arethafranklinyellingprofanities
Colickybaby
Posted by teb at 11:36 AM | Email this entry
July 15, 2009
Hey
Hey, tourist in the FBI t-shirt: everyone will think you're a real agent!
Hey, guy next door with the really loud laugh: you're like a studio audience from Leave it to Beaver.
Hey, cookies from 7-11: you're kind of stale but that's not stopping me.
Hey, jazz: I want to dig you more than I do.
Hey, bug that flew into my mouth while I was running: that was unpleasant for both of us.
Posted by teb at 12:01 PM | Email this entry
July 14, 2009
News
-- From ABC News:
Jessica Simpson Single, but 'On Top of World'
Soon World will want to see other people.
-- From the AP:
France debates wider Sunday store opening hours
May also have fewer wine-and-cheese breaks.
-- From Scientific American:
Cat Call Coerces Can Opening
Also: Petting Leads to Purring
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry
July 13, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Find out that, from a toddler's perspective, there is nothing more terrifying/wonderful than a moonbounce.
Eat veggie burger at baseball game. It's like eating a real burger at a tennis match.
Find out that nearby Starbucks has closed. Be unsure how to feel about that.
Quail.
Take two naps in one day. Soon: the trifecta.
Posted by teb at 12:29 PM | Email this entry
July 10, 2009
I will now explain my exercise routine to a prehistoric man
Me: So I lift heavy things sometimes.
Prehistoric Man: Ah. Because you need to move them?
Me: No. I’m just practicing moving heavy things in case I need to move heavy things later.
PM: Okay.
Me: And I run.
PM: So you’re being chased by a lion?
Me: No.
PM: A bear?
Me: No. Nothing’s chasing me.
PM: So you’re the one doing the chasing?
Me: No. I just like to run around, listening to my iPod.
PM: Have you heard that new Death Cab EP?
Me: Yeah, it’s good.
PM: Hey, do you have any raw meat?
Me: Sorry, no.
Posted by teb at 09:53 AM | Email this entry
July 09, 2009
What cell phone conversations with me are like now that my dying battery lasts for, like, three seconds total
-- Hey, meet me at the
-- So then I said
-- Wait my phone is gonna
-- something just beeped. I wonder
-- I hate this stupid fu
Posted by teb at 11:49 AM | Email this entry
July 08, 2009
Statements made by a prematurely world-weary toddler
-- Well, we have a lot of digging to do.
-- This is going to take a long time.
-- I'm getting thirstier and thirstier.
-- Whoa, this is hard work.
-- Okay, okay, I guess.
Posted by teb at 11:47 AM | Email this entry
July 07, 2009
News
-- From USA Today:
Rangers demote Davis; Cubs' Lee is on fire
That second item seems more important than the first.
-- From Information Week:
CompuServe Shuttered By AOL
In other news, AOL still around.
-- From the Wall Street Journal:
Palin Says She's a Fighter, Not a Quitter
Except for the whole quitting-not-fighting thing.
Posted by teb at 10:55 AM | Email this entry
July 06, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Feel bad for millionaire tennis guy who’s dating a really hot model. Better luck next time, Andy.
Attempt to feed nutella-and-strawberry crepe to toddler in public. Mess.
Wonder if Barry Manilow’s face is biodegradable.
Be unreasonably pleased at finding good parking place. Yeah, baby! Touchdown!
Get awakened by something wet on bottom of foot. Dog nose.
Posted by teb at 12:11 PM | Email this entry
July 02, 2009
Questions I'm tempted to ask the librarians at the Library of Congress
-- Do you have any GOOD books?
-- Do you serve coffee?
-- Where do you keep the Cliff's Notes?
-- Can I tear out the pages I need?
-- Would you read this to me, please?
Posted by teb at 04:18 PM | Email this entry
July 01, 2009
I Will Now Reveal the Contents of my Wallet
-- Business card of someone I don't remember meeting.
-- Gift card that I used six months ago.
-- Chop't frequent chop'r card. Five more salads and I get pie.
-- Dog-eared and totally illegible insurance card that can be presented to medical personnel in the event of an emergency.
-- Twelve dollars. In cash. Oh yeah.
Posted by teb at 12:49 PM | Email this entry